Subject: Daily Dose - 080529 - what's worse, THIS is TRUE, Definitions, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

Recently a man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his penis.

Seems his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket, and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

(Thanks Sonia...)

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THIS is TRUE...

STELLA WANNA-BE: Helen Trueman, 62, admitted she "lost count after the 14th vodka" celebrating the new year in 2000, and was out walking when she tripped over a fence in a park in Portlethen, Aberdeen, Scotland. She says she reached for a guard rail, but missed it and fell and injured herself. She sued the owner of the park, the Shire of Aberdeen, and agreed on 35,000 pounds (US$69,750) in damages. But after Trueman was held 80 percent responsible for her own injuries, the award was reduced to 7,000 pounds (US$13,950). "I deserve a lot more money," she complained after the decision. "It's the council's fault." (Edinburgh Scotsman)

...For not forcing her into treatment?

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DEADBEAT GRANDDAD: H.E. Miller Sr. owns a company in Oak Lawn, Ill, and his son works for him. Per a court order, Miller deducts $82 per week from his son's pay for child support -- but he hasn't been forwarding the money to the state for his granddaughter. Lenora Miller, his former daughter-in-law, sued him for the back child support that her ex-husband paid, but she never got. Mr. Miller lost, and appealed the standard fine of $100 per day for each late payment -- going back more than six years by the time it got through court. But "Miller, by his own admission, violated the Withholding Act on 11,721 occasions," ruled the Illinois Supreme Court. It ordered him to pay the statutory fines, noting that he could have avoided them had he simply forwarded the payments he knew he owed, adding "lawmakers are under no obligation to make unlawful conduct affordable." Thus, in addition to the $10,496 in held-back support payments, the court ordered Miller to pay the accumulated fines: $1.172 million. (Tinley Park Daily Southtown) ...So there.

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OFFENSIVE LINE: Alabama state representative Alvin Holmes was outraged when he didn't get his customary two free tickets to the Iron Bowl, the annual football game between Auburn University and the University of Alabama, held in late November. "I did a survey with other members of the Legislature to determine whether they got their tickets, and they did," Holmes whined. He announced to the media that he intended to file suit against Auburn for the slight, and to compel Auburn's president, Jay Gogue, to testify about why Holmes was omitted. However, Gogue says Holmes was sent tickets, along with a pass for free preferred parking, just like every other legislator, which prompted the state's newspapers to look into the practice. They found it costs the host university about $100,000 per year to offer the freebies to lawmakers, leading to editorials decrying the ethical implications and demanding that the giveaways be halted. (Huntsville Times)

...Threats to sue over not getting unethical freebies? All hail the newly crowned king of entitlement!

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DON'T TALK BACK: "Greek Police Threaten 'Illegally Parked' Parrot: Report"

-- AFP headline

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Definitions

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and later kills you with his bills.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water power.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Rumour : News that travels more than the speed of sound.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Dictionary : The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelors degree and woman gains her masters.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually, sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

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DDL

Sir Arthur's new PC machine

Is slick as a dyke's Vaseline;

And like a whore purring

The thing just keeps whirring,

While spewing out limericks, obscene!

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"As if we don't have enough problems. Fifteen different prescription drugs in our drinking water. Fifteen! Honest to God, you need a doctor's prescription to turn on the faucet."

-David Letterman

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"Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a work place anymore. They think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee--and then you go home."

--Jerry Seinfeld

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"At a recent speech to hundreds of university professors, Bill Gates said it's puzzling why more kids don't want to become computer programmers. Gee, I don't know, you think maybe it's because at some point they'd actually like to have a girlfriend."

--Jay Leno

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News from the British Tabloids

Unpaid bills result in Hitler warning

An energy company in Ukraine has had hundreds of outstanding bills settled after it used images of Hitler to threaten customers.

Posters by utility Donetskgorteploset show the Führer spiked on a Soviet soldier's bayonet with the words: 'Those who don't pay for their heating will be punished!'

The company said the strong-arm tactics in Donetsk showed 'debtors were the enemy'.

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Man not insured for failure to use karate on dogs

An insurance firm in China has told a man bitten by two dogs it was his own fault for not learning karate.

Wang Zhiqing of Meishan needed stitches in his hand and a rabies jab after being attacked by wild dogs. But when he filed a claim, the China Pacific Insurance Group said: 'You should have fought the dogs off.

'If you had learned a martial art like karate you would have avoided the problem.'

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Love lessons bid to boost birth rate

Singapore is offering students lessons in seduction in an attempt to boost the city state's declining birth rate.

Students at two polytechnics can earn credits towards their final degree by choosing the love course. Activities include watching romantic films, holding hands and "love song analysis", reports the Daily Telegraph.

Besides "love and sexuality", the curriculum also deals with the importance of family life.

The trainers are provided by the Social Development Unit, a government match-making agency that has married off 33,000 people since it was established in 1984.

Mechanical engineering student, Isabel Seet, 18, told the Straits Times: "My teacher said if a guy looks into my eyes for more than five seconds, it could mean that he is attracted to me and I stand a chance. It's very interesting, and if I have a boyfriend in future, I'll know how to cope with any problems we may have."

Government minister Yu-Foo Yee Shoon recently warned young people not to put their career before establishing a family "because if you wait until then, sometimes it'll be a little too late".

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

In the deluxe doghouse

Supermodel Rachel Hunter has splashed out on a mansion - for her pet dogs!

The deluxe doghouse is a scaled down version of Rod Stewart's ex-wife's own Californian home.

She commissioned La Petite Maison, which makes homes for pampered pooches for up to £25,000, to build it with terra cotta floors and wrought iron balconies.

The elaborate doghouses are created by builder Alan Mowrer and interior designer Michelle Pollak, who conceived the idea after several years making children's playhouses.

Mrs Pollak said: "I mentioned half jokingly to our builder that we should build a luxury doghouse, and it went from there. I think people go to these lengths for their pets because they are considered part of the family now.

"Many of our clients have pets but don't have children, so they're doted upon and treated just as well as kids would be.

"Almost anything is available by way of accessories - air conditioning, custom beds, running water and interior design."

Other styles of doghouses built by the US firm have included country cottages, lavish colonial mansions and an Alpine chalet for the owner of a St Bernard.

The homes can take from a few weeks to a year to build, using bricks, timber, plaster, stone, and tiles.

The most basic doghouses start at around £3,000 but clients can spend up to £25,000 on getting their pet on the property ladder.