Subject: Daily Dose - 080525 - black condom, BIZARRE NEWS, Great Son, DDL, Rotten News

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago and her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit. But now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer you my deepest condolences!"

(Thanks, George...)

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Church Bulletin Messages

The following are actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those wishing to become little mothers, please meet the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.

A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belser.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

***

Seized Elvis memorabilia returned

EDINBURGH, Scotland - Scottish police have returned almost $7,800 worth of Elvis memorabilia mistakenly seized during a drug raid on an Edinburgh home. The confiscated items included a poster advertising a gig in February 1956, a signed photograph and a gold plated RCA disc from March 1956, although no drugs were found, the Edinburgh Evening News reported Monday.

The memorabilia has been returned to Ralph Miller, 28, who had left the memorabilia at his friend's flat in the Old Town.

"The police raided (a friend's) flat looking for drugs. They didn't find any but they did find the Elvis stuff and decided to seize it on the assumption it had been stolen," he said, adding that he had been unaware how much the collection was worth.

"Now it's going up for sale. We've just arranged to get it valued and then we're going to put it up for auction."

***

Homemade sub nearly seaworthy

MARATHON, Fla. - A Marathon, Fla., man who has spent 11 years building a homemade yellow submarine says his project is nearly complete.

Duane Shelton, an engineer for Sea Air Land Technologies, said his 92-foot, 100-ton steel submarine, which is currently parked in a canal off the island of Boot Key in Marathon, is nearly ready to voyage under the sea, the Key West (Fla.) Citizen reported Monday.

The engineer said he faced a number of financial obstacles on his path to constructing an underwater vessel, beginning with a Chicago scrap yard that wanted more than $100,000 for the steel tube he needed to serve as the submarine's hull. He said he managed to haggle the price down to about $10,000, but the problems didn't end there.

"Then I had to figure out how to get it down here," he said.

Shelton transported the pipe using a series of trains, trucks and barges. He said he is facing another financial hurdle, this time from the U.S. government, which requires at least $750,000 to apply for federal permission to put his vessel to its intended use -- transport for dive and educational tours in Honduras.

***

Man uses GPS to chase down stolen truck

UNIVERSITY CITY, Mo. - The night manager at a University City, Mo., tow truck service used a global positioning system locater to chase down a stolen truck and nab an alleged thief.

Michael Filius, the night manager of Hartmann Towing and a former corrections officer, said he was inside the garage at about 2:45 a.m. Saturday when he noticed that he could no longer hear the truck he had left idling outside, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported Monday. Filius said the theft surprised and angered him to the point where he decided to track the vehicle down before it could be stripped by the thieves. He switched on the truck's GPS and contacted AAA to have the service monitor the truck's location and give him updates on his cell phone.

He said he saw two men who appeared to be in their 30s flee from the truck when he approached it, and he managed to run the vehicle off the road and kept the driver from fleeing until police arrived. Police cautioned that victims of car theft should phone the authorities instead of setting out to find the vehicles on their own.

However, Filius said he was fed up with criminals. "I have to see these little hoodlums every day," he said. "There's a point I'm not going to take it anymore."

***

Grad student invents gravity lamp

BLACKSBURG, Va. - A U.S. graduate student won second place in a "Greener Gadgets Conference" competition inventing a floor lamp powered by gravity. Clay Moulton of Springfield, Va., who received his master's of science degree last year from Virginia Tech, created the lamp as a part of his master's thesis.

The LED lamp, named Gravia, is an acrylic column a little more than 4 feet high. The entire column glows when activated by electricity generated by the slow, silent fall of a mass that spins a rotor. The light output of 600-800 lumens lasts about four hours.

To "turn on" the lamp, the user moves weights from the bottom to the top of the lamp and into a mass sled near the top. The sled begins its gentle glide down and, within a few seconds, the LEDs are illuminated.

"It's more complicated than flipping a switch," said Moulton, "but can be an acceptable, even enjoyable routine, like winding a beautiful clock or making good coffee."

Moulton estimates Gravia's mechanisms will last more than 200 years. A patent is pending on the Gravia lamp.

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Great Son!

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

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DDL

When raped by four apes in Rangoon,

A torrid young tourist named June

Said, "I dug the wild screwing

Those heathens were doing,

But why did they all come so soon?"

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"In a stunning announcement, Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey Jr., who had said he would remain neutral, has endorsed Barack Obama. He said he did it because his four young daughters told him they wanted Obama for president. Which also explains his choice for vice president: Hannah Montana."

-Jay Leno

***

"This week, Barack Obama tried bowling. His score was a terrible 37. Afterwards, Obama told the press, 'That's it — no more white guy sports for me.'"

--Conan O'Brien

***

"An aide to the prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron. Well that's not fair. Here's a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his Dad's money, lost the popular vote and ended up president. That's not a moron, that's genius!"

- Jay Leno

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Rotten News....  (true)

Serb farmer cuts property in two to give to ex-wife

BELGRADE (Reuters) - A Serb farmer used a grinding machine to cut in half his farm tools and machines to comply with a court ruling that he must share all his property with his ex-wife, local media reported on Thursday.

Branko Zivkov, 76, told Belgrade daily Kurir he had been ready to give his wife Vukadinka her equal share of everything earned during their 45-year marriage, but was furious at being asked to give away half his farming equipment. Instead, he bought a grinder and cut in two all his tools, including large items such as cattle scales, a harrow and a sowing machine.

"I still haven't decided how to split the cow," he told the newspaper. "She should just say what she wants -- the part with the horns or the part with the tail."

**********

Pouring A Cold One Counts As Final Grade In Beer-Brewing Class

POSTED: 8:04 am EDT April 3, 2008

MIAMI -- It's not a stretch to say that most college students would choose beer over writing a term paper. Some lucky students at Florida International University will get graded on their beer skills if they choose handing in a cold one over handing in a paper.

FIU has offered a beer-brewing class for the last three years. It's taught by analytical chemist and wine expert Barry Gump. Gump says the class helps round out his students' knowledge of the food and beverage industry.

Instead of writing a paper or cramming for a final exam, Gump's students can spend some time in a teaching kitchen to brew beer for a grade.

Yes, all the students are at least 21 years old. Each must agree to be serious about beer brewing and tasting.

Some of Gump's students say they plan to work in the wine industry or open microbreweries. Others say the class has made them more discerning at the bar.

**********

Malaysian man gets double whammy divorce

Wed Apr 2, 1:53 AM ET

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - When Roslan Ngah took a second wife, he might have wondered if she would get along with his first.

He need not have worried. The two women got on so well they decided to leave him at the same time.

Faced with their united stand, Roslan, a 44-year-old Malaysian Muslim, divorced his two wives, aged 46 and 35, in an Islamic Shariah Court in northeastern Terengganu state on Tuesday, a lawyer said Wednesday.

According to Islamic law, a woman can submit a request to leave her husband, but the pronouncement of divorce must come from the man or a court. Islam allows a man to have four wives.

Salwa Mansor, the second wife's lawyer, said the wives cited irreconcilable differences and other complaints. The Star daily quoted Roslan as saying that he was aware his two wives had become close over the years.

"They are like good friends but I never imagined that both of them had collectively decided to divorce me," Roslan was quoted him as saying. "I never expected our marriages to end in this manner."

Roslan reportedly said he would marry again, "God willing. If my fate says so, I have no qualms and this time I hope that my marriage will last forever," The Star quoted him as saying.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Introducing Britain’s most dangerous tortoise

If you see this tortoise, do not approach him. He may be unarmed but he is certainly dangerous. Rupert, who has attacked children and dogs, is on the run after escaping through a hole in a fence.

The sprightly 60-year-old is always one step ahead of the law – or rather 77-year-old owner Jean Pogson – because he legs it at 4mph before she can grab him.

Mrs Pogson's daughter, Joyce Thomas, says the North African spur-thighed pet gets extremely aggressive and is warning neighbours in Gosport, Hampshire not to go near him.

'He has quite a temper and has been known to bite children plus dogs and other animals,' said Mrs Thomas, 47. 'I would advise people to exercise extreme caution when going near him because he may nip. Most of the time he is OK but if he is in a bad mood there's no telling what he may do,' she added.

Rupert, who has a hole in his shell caused by a run-in with a garden fork, was once introduced to children visiting from Chernobyl – and rather spoiled the proceedings.

'They'd not seen a tortoise before and he bit one of them,' said Mrs Thomas.

Meanwhile, Rupert's disappearance has led Fred, his tortoise friend of 43 years to mope about and not eat properly.