Subject: Daily Dose - 080520 - big-busted organist, BIZARRE NEWS, benefits, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so astringent they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday".

(Thanks Jim...)

______________________________

BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Love STORIES

Peter the Great had his wife's lover executed and his head put into a jar of alcohol. She had to keep it in her bedroom.

After having a two year affair with Catherine the Great, Gregory Aleksandrovich Potemkin remained a valued advisor to Catherine. He even helped her pick out future lovers.

Cleopatra married two of her brothers and was the mistress of both Caesar and Mark Antony.

Fernade Olivier lived with Picasso for seven years. They wanted to marry but Olivier couldn't find her estranged husband to divorce him. In the 1940's she found out he had died right after she met Picasso - 40 years earlier.

***

Wienermobile can't cut muster on ice

MANSFIELD, N.Y. - An Oscar Mayer Wienermobile had to be fished out of the median of a New York highway after spinning out in a weekend snowstorm.

The vehicle's two occupants, Emily Volpini, 22, of Lexington, Ky., and Caylen Goudie, 22, of Hinsdale, Ill., were unhurt in the accident on Route 15 about 2 miles from Mansfield, state Trooper Rex Johnson said Sunday. The duo were just coming out of the worst of the storm when they lost control, the Elmira (N.Y.) Star-Gazette reported.

"We thought we had come out of the blizzard," Goudie said. "We thought we were through it. Then we hit a patch of ice. The Wienermobile weighs 7,000 pounds, so usually ice and snow isn't much of a problem. It was this time."

Police contacted Dave Kurzejewski of Costy's Truck and Auto Mart, who brought along a heavy four-wheel-drive vehicle and some chains to haul the frozen wiener back onto the highway.

Kurzejewski, who has performed hundreds of tows over the years, said Sunday's experience was a new one. "I've pulled out a lot of vehicles," he said. "But that's the first wiener I've ever pulled out."

***

Lesbian sues after being denied dog

STOCKHOLM , Sweden - A Stockholm, Sweden, court has ruled in favor of a woman who sued a kennel owner after she was barred from buying a puppy because she is a lesbian.

The appeals court upheld a previous ruling in favor of the woman, who sued a kennel owner in the Stockholm suburb of Varmdo for discrimination and harassment after she was not allowed to buy the dog, The Local reported Monday. The kennel owner, who is also a woman, was ordered to pay $3,000 in damages to the plaintiff.

The owner had told the woman she does not trust homosexuals with animals because she had read that transvestites have been connected to animal pornography. The woman reported the kennel owner to the ombudsman against discrimination on grounds of sexual orientation, which brought the case to the courts.

The defendant was also fined $7,000 for legal fees.

***

Alleged robber fails to prove insanity

TAMPA, Fla. - A judge in Florida decided a robbery suspect's pocketful of feces didn't pass the smell test for mental incompetency.

The feces incident was Robert Sinclaire Lee's latest in a string of alleged attempts to show himself unfit to stand trial in Tampa, first hiding a razor in his mouth and using it to cut his wrist in court, and later smearing feces on his face and licking it, The St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported Monday.

In his most recent attempt, he hid human waste in his jail jumpsuit pocket, but it was in vain as Circuit Judge Robert Foster agreed with doctors who said Lee, 27, is competent and malingering. The judge ordered jury selection to begin.

"Take care of his personal hygiene between now and then," the judge said. "I can smell him up here."

Lee is charged with attempted murder, attempted armed robbery and aggravated assault among other things, for allegedly trying to rob a Panda Express restaurant at gunpoint.

______________________________

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."

"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

______________________________

DDL

There was a young man of Rangoon

Whose farts could be heard on the moon.

When you least would expect them,

They'd burst from his rectum,

Like the roar of a double bassoon.

______________________________

"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away... if your car could go straight upwards."

--Sir Fred Hoyle

***

"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', but did anyone ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'?!"

--Socrates

***

"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life."

--George Carlin

______________________________

News from the British Tabloids

Anti-crime youth centre stolen

Plans for a new youth centre to tackle teenage delinquency and crime have had to be put on hold - after the building was stolen.

The prepacked building was delivered in boxes to the Austrian village of Traismauer ready to be put up the next day but were stolen by the time workers arrived to erect it. A recent wave of vandalism, theft and burglaries in the area had been blamed on youths and local authorities met to try and find a way to keep them off the streets.

Mayor Johann Gorth said the new youth centre planned to give kids something else to do and get them involved in something positive.

Police are investigating but fear some of the children that the youth centre was aimed at helping may have been involved in the theft.

A spokesman said: "Of course there is a possibility that the thieves were youngsters who were well aware of the plans for the youth centre."

**********

T5's £90k cappuccinos

A businesswoman drank four cappuccinos in Heathrow's troubled Terminal 5 - and was hit with a £360,000 bill.

Terri Patsalides, 59, who was waiting to meet a traveller, was handed the huge print-out at the Giraffe Juice Bar. She told The Sun: "The baggage delay was so long I finished off four coffees. When I got the print-out I told the waitress that although they were very nice, I thought £90,000 a cup was a bit over the top. She went bright red when she saw my bill was £361,514.97 and said it should have been £12."

Ms Patsalides, of Ealing, West London, works for Chiswick Auctions and was waiting to meet a client arriving from Hong Kong.

A Giraffe Juice Bar worker said: "It was just a glitch on the computer system. The bill was cancelled and everyone had a laugh."

**********

Woman sues over hospital boobs

A German woman is suing doctors after she checked in to have wrinkles removed - and woke up with a new pair of breasts.

Ingrid Bruelling, 33, had the operation in the German city of Kassel. She wanted to give herself firmer skin and remove the wrinkles after losing 16 stone on a crash diet.

But when she woke up after the operation she found doctors had put two silicone implants into her breasts, increasing their size from a C cup to a D.

Doctors said the woman should not complain as the best way to tighten the skin and remove the wrinkles was to make her breasts bigger.

______________________________

Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Breakfast of Champions

Folks want to know where they can get their hands on this new and already famous bacon—so I asked the person who forwarded me this picture, our own Aaron Edge, where he got it. And, uh, perhaps I should’ve asked Aaron that before I posted this picture. Anyway, Edge found it at How To Avoid the Bummer Life, which found the chocolate at Marini’s in Santa Cruz.