Subject: Daily Dose - 080518 - Check Up,
BIZARRE NEWS, Curious, DDL, News from the British Tabloids
Check Up
A blonde walks in to the doctor's office for her yearly check up. When the doctor examines her hands, he notices she has a hole in her left one. When the doctor questions her on this, she replies:
"Well, things aren't going to well, and I decided to commit suicide. So there I am down in my basement with the note wrote out and a gun to my breast. Then I got to thinking, if I shoot myself here, then I would ruin my $5,000.00 boob job, so I held the gun up to my nose. Then I got to thinking again. If I shoot myself here, I would ruin my $2,000.00 nose job, so I held the gun up to my ear. Well, I don't like noise, so I put my left hand over it."
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BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Inventions
In the 1980's, French women Dominique Peignoux, Yvette Guys and Francoise Dekan marketed a musical napkin that was placed inside a baby's diaper and played "When the Saints Go Marching In" as soon as it became wet.
William A. Calderwood of Peoria, Arizona patented helium filled furniture that would float to the ceiling when not in use to allow extra floor space and be pulled back down by a rope as needed.
It was in 1966 that America's Thomas J. Bayard invented a vibrating toilet seat, acting on the belief that physical stimulation of the buttocks is effective in relieving constipation.
James Moreau developed a brassiere in 1988 which surrounds the breasts with water, so that a buoyant force provides improved and independent support for each breast. A transparent version is suggested for those who wish to make a fashion statement.
In 1984, Inventor Timothy Zell developed a method of growing unicorns that are of higher intelligence and physical attributes, They are also said to be useful as a guard animal. What you may not want to know is the method involves surgical alteration of a one-week old goat, so that its two horn buds will grow together.
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SpongeBob balloon causes blackout in Mass.
YARMOUTH, Mass. - About 4,000 customers lost electric power in Yarmouth, Mass., after a metallic SpongeBob SquarePants balloon got hung up in power lines.
The balloon got caught in high-tension wires behind the Yarmouth Police station, resulting in a loud explosion and causing two of the three wires to fall to the ground, said police and NStar spokesmen, The Cape Cop (Mass.) Times reported.
Nstar, which transmits and delivers electricity and natural gas to residential and business customers throughout eastern Massachusetts, restored power to most customers within five or six minutes, but some 235 customers were without power from about two hours Sunday afternoon, reported Cape Cod Today.
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Canadian teen wins big at poker
WATERLOO, Ontario - An 18-year-old Canadian man with just six months background playing poker has earned $1.4 million in a German tournament.
Mike McDonald of Waterloo, Ontario, northwest of Toronto, is too young to play legally in most Canadian provinces and the United States, but since turning 18 in September, he has racked up some impressive wins in London, Prague, Macau and Aruba, his mother told the Waterloo Record.
Saturday night was the biggest win for McDonald, who saw through repeated bluffs by German poker veteran Andreas Gulunay in Dortmund, the report said. Speaking to the newspaper by telephone, the teenager said he'll continue playing until he's had enough. "I see these guys who are playing 60 hours a week when they're old, and none of them seem very happy," McDonald said. "I don't want to make this my long-term career... I might like to go back to school and get a real job."
He said he'd like to buy a used car, although he hasn't got his drivers license yet, the report said.
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Police turn down drunken drug addict
BURNLEY, England - A serial thief and drug addict in northern England, allegedly called police to come and arrest him, but was turned down.
Liam Tomlinson, 21, is said to have called police after breaking into the Rossendale United FC clubhouse in Newham and stealing two bottle of spirits, only to be told there were no available patrol cars to come pick him up, the Daily Mail reported Monday. Instead Tomlinson, a heroin addict who had eight previous convictions for burglary, was allowed to continue his crime spree, robbing two more places before finally being brought into court, the British newspaper said.
Tomlinson pleaded guilty in court in Burnley to two counts of burglary, one count of burglary with intent to cause damage and failing to surrender. But magistrates refused to send him to prison and instead gave him an suspended eight-month jail sentence.
Lancashire County police Inspector Dave Hodson claimed officers went to the scene almost immediately, but Tomlinson had already fled and it wasn't until two hours later that someone called in a drunken state trying to turn himself in. By then officers were working on another case, he added.
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Curious
"I'm really curious," said the fellow to his buddy. "Level with me, Did you somehow manage to get laid last night on your date with the Siamese twins?"
"To be frank with you," replied the buddy, "yes and no."
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DDL
A lady of South Madagascar
Wears a bag on her head; it's to mask her.
A bottle of scotch
Might loosen her crotch.
Wait here, I'll go over and ask her.
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"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
- Albert Einstein
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What do blow jobs and flowers have in common?
After the first year they are only given on special occasions.
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What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?
A woman's mouth
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News from the British Tabloids
Oh dear, it's another article about the 'smoking turtle'
A charity has appealed for nicotine patches to help Wai the smoking turtle kick his habit.
Jilin City Animal Protection Association wants small patches to stick under Wai's chin. But owner Li Yun, of Shanxi province, is torn.
Tobacco companies have offered money to paint their names on Wai's shell.
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Marathon runners told not to hunt
Six African warriors running the London Marathon have been warned not to hunt farm animals. The Maasai tribesman have also been warned to keep their private parts covered up, reports The Sun.
Greenforce charity workers have issued the group with a guide telling them not to follow their hunting instincts if they see a cow, pig or sheep in a field.
It says: "It is important to remember these animals are owned by someone and are looked after."
The men from a remote village in Tanzania will do the 26-mile run on April 13 in robes and carrying shields and spears. They are raising money for life-saving supplies back home.
The guide tells them: "It is illegal to show certain parts of the body so it is important to wear underpants."
And it says that when nature calls they should find a toilet rather than a bush.
Perhaps most helpfully of all, the guide warns that Brits "seem sillier" when they drink alcohol.
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Belly dancer slithers out of fine
A belly dancer was let off after parking on a double yellow line with her engine running to keep her snakes warm. She said she had to keep them cosy so they would not fall asleep before she took them on stage for her act.
The woman, from London, claimed it was a genuine excuse for parking illegally outside the venue as she unloaded her gear.
Caroline Shepherd, head of the National Parking Adjudication Service, told the story on Radio Five Live as a new parking fines system came into force. Presenter Nicky Campbell asked whether the unnamed woman had lost her appeal against the fine.
But Ms Shepherd replied: "No, she won."
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
Voyeur News: Man Boobs Are Not Sexual
IT is legal to ogle a man’s breasts bit not woman’s judges rule:
Care worker Kevin Bassett, 44, was found guilty last year after using a video camera hidden in a plastic bag to take shots of a swimmer. Yesterday, his conviction was quashed at the Court of Appeal after Lord Justice Hughes, Mr Justice Treacy and Sir Paul Cresswell ruled that a man’s bare torso did not count as ‘private parts’.
The 2003 Sexual Offences Act specifies that “private parts” must be exposed for voyeurism to have taken place. Only women, it seems, have breasts that can be seen in a sexual light.
Lord Justice Hughes explained: “The intention of Parliament was to mean female breasts and not an exposed male chest. The former are still private amongst 21st century bathers, the second is not.”
Says Mr Bassett: “It has made me ill over the years. I want to be like everyone else.”