Subject: Daily Dose - 080515 - Monkey Business, BIZARRE NEWS, Recent Study, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

Monkey Business

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."

"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Religious Facts

Camel is considered unclean meat in the Bible.

In 1631, two London bible printers accidentally left the word "not" out of the seventh commandment, which then read, "Thou shalt commit adultery." This book is now referred to as the "Wicked Bible."

Over eleven thousand people have visited a tortilla chip in New Mexico that appeared to have the face of Jesus Christ burned into it.

John Bunyan, a popular writer from the 1700's, was sent to prison for twelve years for preaching.

Parts of the Dead Sea Scrolls appeared for sale in the June 1, 1954 issue of the Wall Street Journal.

A temple located in Sri Lanka is dedicated to a tooth of the Buddha and is called "Temple of the Tooth."

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Theft victim confesses to selling weed

ST. PAUL, Minn. - An alleged drug dealer called Apple Valley, Minn., police to his home after his stash of marijuana and $3,200 in cash were stolen.

Alarmed by a break-in at his home, the man contacted police on New Year's Day to report a break in, saying that it was unclear if anything had been stolen, the St Paul (Minn.) Pioneer Press reported Monday.

One the police showed up the man conceded that the thief had made off with his marijuana stash, breaking into a locked closet to complete the deed. An officer also reported scraps of paper with names, amounts and weights in another closet. He questioned the homeowner, who then allegedly said the burglar made off with baggies of marijuana and $3,200 cash.

"He also implied that his drug dealing was all right, stating, 'I just sell to my friends,'" said the police report.

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Fort Wort fights to stop sagging pants

FORT WORTH, Texas - The Fort Worth, Texas, City Council was to vote Tuesday on a resolution supporting a campaign against sagging pants.

The "Pull 'Em Up" campaign was begun by Dallas Councilman Dwaine Caraway and the activist group Hip Hop Government to get youths to pull up their own pants, the Fort Worth Star Telegram reported Monday. An ordinance outlawing saggy pants was originally considered but was dropped in favor of billboards promoting anti-sagging messages.

City Councilman Frank Moss said he's concerned that too many young people are being labeled because of how they dress. "There's stereotyping that all the kids who walk around with their pants hanging down are kids that are unruly, bad kids, and they're involved in crime and other kinds of things," he said. "Many of these kids are extremely good kids; they just think they're making a fashion statement."

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Clouds said to calm vandals in Britain

BRIGHTON, England - Police in Brighton, England, have handed out almost $4,000 to an artist to paint clouds on the walls of a rundown bar in an attempt to keep its patrons "calm."

Sussex police and Brighton and Hove City Council brought in artist Stig Evans to paint blue skies and fluffy clouds on the windows of the derelict pub, which had become a magnet for rude behavior and allegedly was even used a crack house, The Daily Mail reported Monday. City officials claim the artwork in Brighton cheers up vandals by making them think of sunny days instead of going on a wrecking spree.

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Lady beats cyclist for running red light

LONDON - An 84-year-old British baroness used her handbag to strike a cyclist after he nearly ran her down while zipping through a red light near Parliament in London.

Lady Sharples said in an address to Parliament she wished she had hit the cyclist harder, requesting the government consider forcing cyclists to put registration plates on their bikes, the Daily Mail reported Monday.

"I had a bag and I swiped him. I did not hit him hard enough," recalled Sharples as she recounted her story.

She added that she had been endangered by cyclists three times recently on the capital's streets. "They are a ruddy nuisance," she added. "I know they need to get to work and a lot of them behave properly, but an increasing number just don't obey the lights and it's not fair on pedestrians."

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Recent Study

A recent study showed the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about 37 minutes each week.

Well, yeah, I can believe that. I mean, just how long does it take to say, "What?", "Uh-huh," or "Yes dear," or "I'm sorry"?

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DDL

There was a young lady named Mable

Who liked to sprawl out on the table,

Then cry to her man,

'Stuff in all you can -

Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able.'

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"According to USA Today, Starbucks in going to market an energy drink. It's for people who get tired while waiting in line at Starbucks."

--Conan O'Brien

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"It's time to pay your income tax. My accountant wants me to move the show to the Cayman Islands."

-David Letterman

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"John McCain is in Iraq this week. He said his goal as president would be to introduce the Iraqi people to the concept of the early bird special."

-Jay Leno

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News from the British Tabloids

Farmer used live missile as anvil

Romanian firefighters were shocked after a farmer was spotted using an unexploded missile as an anvil.

The 122mm calibre missile, discovered by the man in his garden in Puieni village, Giurgiu county,a few months ago, had been used for sharpening hoes and scythes. Explosive specialists said the missile was still active and endangered not only the farmer's family but also his neighbours.

A spokesman for the firefighters said: "We've had many problems because of these unexploded bombs which have been in the ground since the Second World War but this is really crazy. How can you hit a bomb with the hammer? It could have exploded any time."

The missile was destroyed in a controlled explosion by an army bomb squad.

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Fireman 'started blazes to earn overtime'

A teenage Polish fireman accused of going on an arson spree to notch up enough overtime to buy his girlfriend a present is facing ten years in jail.

Pawol Leszek, 18, allegedly set fire to a barn in Studzianki and then went to the local fire station where he earned £2 an hour as a voluntary fire fighter. Police say he then torched two other barns over the next week in a bid to get even more money, but was caught out when a local saw him setting fire to another barn.

Leszek has been charged with arson and endangering public safety.

A police spokesman said: "He said he just wanted to get money to buy his girlfriend a birthday present."

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Dead man jailed

A Belgian judge has sentenced a dead man to eight months in prison and a £430 fine.

Joey Van den Broeck, 21, had been charged with assaulting his girlfriend and resisting arrest. But he subsequently died in hospital in Antwerp after a road crash in Merksem, reports GVA.

A spokesman for Antwerp court said: "Unfortunately, he had been summoned to appear in court shortly before for beating up his girlfriend. When he didn't show up, the case went ahead without him. We didn't know about his death or the case would have expired."

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

It tastes of beef and it's non-alcoholic, but this beer is strictly for the dogs

Talk about hair of the dog ... Now man's best friend could become his best drinking buddy, too, thanks to a beer designed especially for dogs. Sold in a glass bottle with a contented German Shepherd pictured on the label, beef-flavoured Dog Beer is being pioneered at a Derby pet shop.

Non-alcoholic and said to have nutritional value by retailer Pets at Home, the drink is proving popular with customers at the Meteor Centre store, according to manager Mike Hall.

Pooch hooch: A dog laps up the so-called 'tail-wagging beer'

"There's potassium, protein and fats in there. There's nothing in there to harm them, that's for sure. People are going to sit and watch the football and have a beer with the dog. We've had quite a lot of repeat business - people coming back for more because their pets really enjoyed it."

The Derby store was chosen as the place to test the drink's popularity before Pets at Home launched it nationwide.

Imported from Holland, where it is called Kwispelbier - "tail-wagging beer" - it is being sold at £1.99 for a 33cl bottle. Made using a traditional brewing process, the drink contains malt barley extract.

A spokesman for Pets at Home said: "While initially people may think of the drink as a novelty, it makes a delicious treat for a thirsty dog. It also encourages drinking, which is good for the kidneys, and is a great source of vitamin B. It means pets are even more a part of family life as they can enjoy a beer, too."