Subject: Daily Dose - 080514 - Retirement Dinner, BIZARRE NEWS, virgin, DDL, Rotten News

Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien's Retirement Dinner

At a dinner thrown in her husband's honour, a man turned to Madame Chretien and said, "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure with such a busy schedule.  How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these  retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame Aline Chretien.

A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer yet no one knew what to say next.

Jean leaned over to his wife and said, "Aline, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, "Appiness".

(Thanks Sonia...)

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Golf balls removed from snake sell on eBay

CURRUMBIN, Australia - An Australian carpet python's mistake will help other animals now that the golf balls it swallowed have been sold on eBay. The high bid was $1,401 Australian ($1,253 U.S.), the Gold Coast Bulletin reported. The money will go to help build an animal hospital at the Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary.

The winner gets the still-unwashed balls, as well as X-rays and photographs of the python before and after successful surgery to remove them.

The python, newly named Augusta, swallowed the golf balls during a visit to a hen house last month. The owner had placed the balls in a brood hen's nest to encourage egg laying. Veterinarians at Currumbin determined that the python would not simply eliminate the golf balls and decided to operate to save the snake's life.

"Augusta the snake has received wide-spread media coverage, and his eBay items have proved just as intriguing as the story of how he swallowed the golf balls," said David Luxton, the sanctuary's marketing manager.

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Suspect tracked using trail of poo

DURHAM, N.C. - Police in Durham, N.C., said they were led to a suspect by the trail of fresh dog-doo he left after stepping into a pile while fleeing. Authorities said Josue Herrios-Coronilla, 18, crashed his car into the yard of Bill McDonald, who owns four dogs, after driving the wrong way down the street, the Durham Herald Sun reported.

Officers discovered the wrecked car, crushed bushes and a pile of dog feces with a fresh shoe print. Durham police Sgt. Dale Gunter followed the smelly trail until he encountered a white van driving in his direction. He asked the passenger of the van to exit the vehicle and noted the odoriferous evidence on his shoes and the smell of alcohol on his breath.

Herrios-Coronilla was charged with underage drinking and driving while impaired.

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Principal offers reward for food fighters

COLUMBIA, Md. - A lunchroom food fight at a Maryland high school went too far -- and the school's principal offered a reward to anyone naming the participants. The offer of a $30 reward -- which wasn't paid -- drew criticism from Wilde Lake High School students.

Now school officials are rethinking whether such a monetary offer was a good idea, The Baltimore Sun reported Thursday.

The editor of the high school's newspaper said in a commentary the need to assign blame has had the unintended effect of "immortalizing the incident."

Principal Restia Whitaker posted the $30 incentive for information on those who flung food in the December incident, which officials said escalated to an unsafe -- and quite messy -- situation. Food wasn't the only projectile zipping around the the Columbia, Md., school lunchroom.

"There were water bottles, trays and utensils," Howard County school system spokeswoman Patti Caplan said. "It got to be very dangerous."

The issue of offering a cash reward would be on the agenda at the district's next principals' meeting.

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A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room with four portraits.

"Who is this?" asks the padre.

"Oh, that's the Virgin of Guadalupe"

"And this portrait?"

"That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi"

"Who is this third one?"

"That is the Virgin of Ishia"

"And the final portrait, what virgin is she?"

"Oh, that's no virgin, that's the Mother Superior."

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DDL

An ardent Scots lass in Rangoon

Went down on a Burmese quadroon.

While the rising wind rasped

Round the temple, she gasped,

"What a night for a blow! Come, mon-soon!"

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"If you enjoy your alcohol, remember this: If you put your old, rotten liver under your pillow, the Beer Fairy will leave you a keg."

--Paul Tomkins

***

"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."

-P. J. O'Rourke  

***

"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three branches of government. Well, that's because the three stooges are more likely to get something done."

-David Letterman

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Rotten News....  (true)

Indonesian masseuses told to padlock pants

Thu Apr 10, 2:06 AM ET

JAKARTA (Reuters) - A bid by a local government in Indonesia's East Java province to curb prostitution by asking masseuses to wear a padlock on their pants was an insult, a newspaper quoted the minister for women's empowerment as saying.

The recently implemented policy in the tourist area of Batu was misguided, State Minister for Women's Empowerment Meuthia Hatta told the Jakarta Post on Thursday.

"It is not the right way to prevent promiscuity. It insults women as if they are the ones in the wrong," Hatta said.

The paper showed a photograph of a masseuse with a padlock on the waist band of her trousers and said the local administration's move was aimed at curbing prostitution and maintaining Batu's image as a popular tourist destination.

The best way to curb prostitution in massage parlours was to improve security systems including installing CCTV, Hatta said.

Batu, 75 km (46 miles) south of Indonesia's second-biggest city, Surabaya, is a popular tourist destination for its cool climate, hot springs and mountain scenery.

Indonesia has a flourishing sex industry and massage parlours are frequently a front for prostitution. But there has been a vigorous debate over morality in recent years, exposing deep divisions in the Southeast Asian Muslim-majority nation.

Last month, Indonesia passed a bill to restrict access to pornographic and violent sites on the Internet, while parliament has yet to pass a controversial pornography bill that aims to shield the young from pornographic material and lewd acts.

Earlier draft versions contained provisions that could jail people for kissing in public and criminalise many forms of art or traditional culture that hinge on sensuality, sparking criticism it could curb freedoms and hurt Indonesia's tolerant traditions.

(Reporting by Mita Valina Liem and Telly Nathalia, editing by Ed Davies and Michael Perry)

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Pensioner collects just 5 cents for UBS chairman

Thu Apr 10, 2:39 AM ET

ZURICH (Reuters) - A pensioner has been collecting sympathy money for UBS AG's departing chairman Marcel Ospel on a village square, local press reported -- but secured just 5 cents from passers-by.

Once well-respected but now widely lampooned, Ospel said he decided to quit UBS -- the bank worst-hit by the meltdown in U.S. mortgages with $37 billion (18.7 billion pound) written down -- last week after extensive criticism for letting Switzerland's flagship bank sail blithely into dangerous waters.

"Every day the newspapers are full of reports about Ospel. But to do something for him? That is something different," Braun told Swiss newspaper Blick.

Ospel is not a well-loved figure in Switzerland and Blick -- the country's biggest-selling daily newspaper -- ran a highly critical front page story in 2006 publicising his high salary, a reported 26 million Swiss francs (13 million pounds).

"Unfortunately I only collected 5 rappen (0.02 pounds)," laughed Braun, who was collecting donations in a wicker basket in the village of Haegendorf, west of Zurich.

"Of course I took the 5 rappen to the nearest UBS branch immediately."

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Assessor complains about his assessment

Wed Apr 9, 11:08 PM ET

GARDEN CITY, N.Y. - Harvey Levinson might be the last person his neighbors would expect to complain about the assessment on his condominium. After all, he's the county assessor.

But Levinson has asked the Nassau County Assessment Review Commission to knock more than $200,000 off the $502,080 value his own office set for his two-bedroom condo in an upscale Long Island development. If approved, the change would shave an estimated $1,700 off his $13,000 property tax bill for 2009-2010.

Levinson said he was simply trying to point up a clerical error that caused a 75-percent spike in his assessment.

The county Board of Assessors, which he chairs, has asked the review commission to correct the problem for 1,600 condominiums, including Levinson's. But he said he filed a separate grievance because he "wanted to be open about this."

The assessor — who collects a $166,300 annual salary and a $72,000-a-year state pension for serving 27 years as a county prosecutor — added that he expects to retire, sell the condo and move to Florida before the requested reduction might take effect and trim his taxes.

"The new owner will get the benefit," said Levinson, 68.

Review Commission Chairman John Pegullian said the assessor would be treated as any other taxpayer.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Cheeky way to boost ass-ets

A US psychologist has patented a bra for the bum which she claims restores pertness to sagging buttocks.

Featuring straps worn around the waist and under the buttocks, the garment claims to instantly shape and add tone to the behind.

Creator Karin Hart came up with the buttock-clenching idea after noticing her own bottom wasn't as pert as it used to be.

"The Biniki buttocks support idea came to me at a moment of personal need," she says. "One look in the mirror after some rapid weight loss showed me the unhappy truth, my bottom was sagging."

Dr Hart set about developing designs for a wearable item that would do the same job as a surgical bottom lift.

"Trying to find a design led me to buy some self-adhesive tape," Dr Hart explains. "Then working with a mirror and adjusting the tape into several configurations I found one that resulted in just the right support in the right places."

She patented her invention and now sells what she has dubbed the "butt bra" through her US-based company for about £15.

There's also a £20 version for men, the Maniki, and a Throng, a £15 thong which claims the same uplifting effect.