Subject: Daily Dose - 080507 - where do
babies come from, THIS is TRUE, I got a bite, DDL, News from the British
Tabloids
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.)
That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but last night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
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THIS is TRUE...
EXCUSES, EXCUSES: When a man sauntered up to an undercover police officer in Worcester, Mass., working a prostitution detail and offered $40 for "everything," he was quickly arrested. The man insisted he was a doctor "gathering information" on infectious diseases. Sure enough, Dr. Peter A. Rice, 65, specializes in infectious diseases and immunology at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. Investigators aren't buying the excuse and filed soliciting charges. "He's got a rational explanation for what he was doing there," said his lawyer, Anthony Salerno. It wasn't research, since "Research is a technical medical term," but rather "it was information gathering that he would later use for research" -- information that "he couldn't get from lab reports or periodicals." (Worcester Telegram)
...Obviously he hasn't been buying the right magazines.
***
FAHRENHEIT 451, THE NEXT GENERATION: Michael Chalk, 40, is a teacher in Melbourne, Vic., Australia. He was in Cairns, Qld., for an education conference when he went to Shenannigans for a drink. There was dancing, so Chalk decided to put his book down and join the fun. That's when a bouncer escorted him out: other patrons were upset at the book he was reading, "The Unknown Terrorist". The book is about a man who is mistaken for a terrorist and is persecuted by paranoid people making false accusations. "I was wondering whether I'm in a place where everyone is in the grip of fear where they see danger everywhere," Chalk said later, "or the sort of place where a vigilante group might hunt me down for reading a book." (Cairns Post)
...Yes, and yes.
***
LIQUID COURAGE: Deborah Thompson, 54, admits she had been drinking from a bottle of whiskey and was "being silly" when she decided to stand on the railroad tracks in Marysville, Calif., and try to stop an oncoming train. "She thought she could move faster than the train," said police Sgt. Phil Spadini. She couldn't: the engineer saw her and hit the brakes, but Thompson was hit and thrown 20-30 feet. She survived, but was flown to a regional hospital in critical condition. (Marysville Appeal-Democrat)
...During which flight she had to be stopped from trying to stop the chopper blades.
***
NOT ON THE MENU: Looking for publicity, Serendipity 3, a restaurant in New York, N.Y., announced it was offering the world's most expensive dessert: a $25,000 Frrrozen Haute Chocolate. Indeed the headlines flashed around the world, but that may have reminded the city's Department of Health and Mental Hygiene that the restaurant was due for another health inspection, since it had failed one previously. Inspectors came in, found "rodent and fly infestation and conditions conducive to pest infestation, including stagnant water in the basement." The inspector found a live mouse, mouse droppings in multiple locations, flies and cockroaches. Having failed a second time, the restaurant was ordered closed until it could pass. "We will re-open as soon as possible," a restaurant spokesman said. "It is unfortunate that published reports have exaggerated the situation and may be leading to certain misperceptions." (New York Times)
...Huh: that's similar to what happened when they started offering the $25,000 Frrrozen Haute Chocolate.
***
DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL: "Channel Surfing Leads to Stabbing"
-- Seattle Post-Intelligencer headline
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Fred and his blonde wife went fishing in Alaska. In the middle of nowhere where the place is filled with nothing but white snow, they finally found a lake so they cast their lines.
After an hour or two Fred's wife yelled, "Honey come quick! I got a bite!" So Fred rushed to his wife only to find out her line is lying flat and wasn't showing any movement.
He said, "Your line's not moving, no one is biting."
"I got a bite," she insist.
"Where?", ask Fred.
"My foot. I got a frost bite."
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DDL
An incredibly lecherous rooster,
Was arrested for ardor in Worcester.
He had not been let loose,
Since an indignant moose,
Swore that, given a boost, he had goosed her.
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"Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling is threatening to sue one of her biggest fans because he's trying to put out a Harry Potter encyclopedia. The man says he's not happy about being sued by Rowling — but at least it's technically some form of contact with a girl."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren't listening anyway."
-Jay Leno
***
"Steven Segal is blaming the FBI for ruining his movie career. He said he's not getting the movie roles that he wants because of a false FBI investigation. The FBI issued a response and said, 'It is our job to stop people from making bombs.'"
-Craig Ferguson
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News from the British Tabloids
Knickers to the dead
The dead need lingerie too - at least, according to some people in Malaysia. And who are we to say they're wrong?
Ethnic Chinese in Malaysia have bought huge quantities of mock bras and panties, some with leopard prints, to burn as offerings for the deceased during the Qing Ming festival Friday, The Star newspaper reported.
It is customary among the Chinese to burn fake money and small scale or life-size models of material goods such as refrigerators, cars, clothes and shoes during the festival. They believe their ancestors will receive these items for use in the afterlife. Offering of clothes have generally been limited to outerwear, and the lingerie trend appears to be a new.
'Most customers find them cute and would usually add a few sets (of underwear) to go with other paper clothing .. for their female family members to use in the other world,' Tay Lay Nah, a shop owner in the northern Penang island, was quoted as saying.
Tay said many underwear items made of cardboard have been sold out.
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Woman pulls gun in shoe spat
In a great example of a restrained and proportionate response, a woman in Texas ended an argument with two furniture deliverymen who wouldn't remove their shoes by pulling a gun on them.
The men were making a delivery to her house in Beaumont, TX, last Friday, when the spat ensued after the homeowner asked them to take off their shoes. When the deliverymen pointed out that it was against their company policy to remove their shoes – but that they were wearing protective overshoes to prevent carpet damage - the spat developed into a tiff.
According to the Beaumont Enterprise, the woman expanded the original shoe-related tiff into a broader tiff, detailing other issues she had with the quality of the furniture store's service. It was at this point that the woman went and got a gun, escalating the tiff into a kerfuffle.
While the deliverymen say that the woman never pointed the gun directly at them, they decided that running away was the better part of valour and left. They also called the police.
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Radioactive cat mistaken for bomb
A US driver was stopped on suspicion of being a terrorist after his radioactive cat was mistaken for a bomb.
Anti-terror cops using specialist radiation detectors on motorway traffic flagged down the man. But a search of his car revealed only his cat who had undergone radiotherapy for cancer three days earlier.
Deputy chief border agent Joe Giuliano revealed details of the incident to a meeting of San Juan Islanders, reports the Seattle Times.
"Vehicle goes by at 70mph," he said. "Agent is in the median, a good 80 feet away from the traffic. Signal went off and identified an isotope. The agent raced after the car, pulling it over not far from the monitoring spot. The agent questioned the driver, then searched the car. Turned out to be a cat with cancer that had undergone a radiological treatment three days earlier," Giuliano said.
"That's the type of technology we have that's going on in the background. You don't see it. If I hadn't told you about it, you'd never know it was there."
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
EBay: P-Nut For Trader Joefs Cashew No.4 Art Work
FOR sale on EBay: Stevenfs gTrader Joefs Cashew #4 sculpture & print 1/1 - once in a lifetime piece up for auction:
I donft know why I stopped at this particular cashew as I was eating my Trader Joefs sweet, savory & tart trail mix, but as an artist the unexplainable happens often. My body is a vessel of creation and expression in tune with everything around me, including what you would see as gjust another cashewh
No, something about the shape of this particular cashew reflects the shape of our society. As the artist, I have split and re-glued the cashew as an expression of the gcracksh that have been ggluedh in modern life. It is a complete work of art in every way. Famed art critic Richard Barokavov had this to say about the piece:
gStevenfs eTrader Joefs Cashew #4f is such a complete and absolute brutally dissecting view of the industrial conflict between capitalism and modernism that is is hard for even the most verbose of critics to add too. Regardless of Stevenfs relation to me as a colleague and studiomate, the intense complexity I feel for this work is also complete and absolute.h
Again, I donft expect most to fully understand the complexity of the form but as you can see it is quite powerful.