Subject: Daily Dose - 080506 - prisoner is out again, BIZARRE NEWS, Consent, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"  

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. Therefore, what we do is put the prisoner in the prison. Then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him.

"After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!

"The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

"Limply turning his head, he YELLS at her, "Hey, it is not a life sentence!"

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Cat predicts deaths at nursing home

PROVIDENCE, R.I. - Doctors at a Providence, R.I., nursing home say a cat that keeps the patients company seems to be able to predict their deaths.

Staff at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center said the 2-year-old feline, named Oscar, will go into the room of a patient whose end is near, curl up next to them and purr, WebMD reported Thursday. David Dosa, who submitted an essay on the cat to The New England Journal of Medicine -- which published the paper Thursday -- said the vigilant cat has been present for the deaths of more than 25 residents and often serves as a fill-in for family members who cannot be present at their loved one's bedside.

"As people would pass, the question (among staff) was always, 'Was Oscar at the bedside?'" Dosa said. "And the answer was invariably 'yes.' This is an end-stage dementia unit. Deaths are common."

As for how the cat knows when a patient is near death, experts say there are a number of possibilities ranging from sense of smell to mimicking the behavior of humans who care for the dying patients.

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No more allowance for 61-year-old son

CALTAGIRONE, Italy - A 61-year-old man from Caltagirone, Italy, turned up at the local police station with his 81-year-old mother after she cut off his weekly allowance.

The man's mother also took his house keys away after he did not come home when he was supposed to and did not tell her where he was going when he went out, ANSA reported Thursday. The 81-year-old woman also went to police in an attempt to convince her "hard-headed" son to "behave correctly with his mama."

The son said his mother was the one behaving badly, adding, "My weekly allowance isn't enough... and she doesn't even cook well." The mother told police: "My son doesn't respect me, he never tells me where he goes at night and comes home at all hours." She added: "I was forced to punish him by taking away his keys after he yet again came home late at night. And he always complains about my cooking. This just couldn't go on."

A local police officer convinced the mother and son to return home together where the 81-year-old mother gave her son back his keys and allowance.

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Crank caller clocks in 2,000 pranks to 911

VALLEJO, Calif. - Emergency dispatchers in Vallejo, Calif., are trying to come up with a solution to take care of "Nomar," a prank caller who has plagued them since March.

The serial crank caller has already tallied almost 2,000 fake emergency calls to the Vallejo 911, the San Jose Mercury news reported Monday. They believe that Nomar, who has also gone by "Steve," "Willie Davis," "David" and "Mike," is most likely a homeless man from San Francisco who calls in the emergencies from a donated cell phone.

"He can be quite convincing and he definitely knows the geography of Vallejo," said a frustrated Bill Powell, manager of Vallejo police communications. "If we can't determine it's a false call, we'll send people out."

And, believe it or not, Nomar isn't their worst prank 911 caller. An unidentified man from Hayward has actually called the California Highway Patrol 5,000 times since May, usually just breathing deeply or giggling.

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Researcher: Humans will wed robots

MAASTRICHT , Netherlands - The University of Maastricht in the Netherlands is awarding a doctorate to a researcher who wrote a paper on marriages between humans and robots.

David Levy, a British artificial intelligence researcher at the college, wrote in his thesis, "Intimate Relationships with Artificial Partners," that trends in robotics and shifting attitudes on marriage are likely to result in sophisticated robots that will eventually be seen as suitable marriage partners.

Levy's conclusion was based on about 450 publications in the fields of psychology, sexology, sociology, robotics, materials science, artificial intelligence, gender studies and computer-human interaction. The thesis examines human attitudes toward affection, love and sexuality and concluded that the findings are just as applicable to human interaction with robots of the future as they are to the relationships between humans of today.

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Consent

Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."

Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."

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DDL

"Bathroom fixtures are costly" said Ron,

"And my budget is now nearly gone."

So he sat down and wrote,

Sears and Roebucks a note,

Complaining about his dear john.

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"Some public schools now will be serving sushi. Well, if you love cafeteria meatloaf, you're going to really love cafeteria sushi!"

-Dave Letterman

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"Scientists in China say they have found a dolphin they previously thought was extinct. Scientists say the dolphin is rare, beautiful, and delicious with hot mustard sauce."

--Conan O'Brien

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"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now suing a local pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth control patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches. The good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day."

--Jay Leno

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News from the British Tabloids

Lorry driver had no hands

Police who pulled up an overloaded lorry in China were amazed to find the driver had no hands. The lorry was stopped for carrying five times its permitted load of six tonnes, reports Bandao Metropolis News.

"When we came to the cab window, we were surprised to see the driver was handless," says a Jimo city traffic police spokesman.

The driver, Zhang, was handling the unadapted lorry with the stumps on his wrists - and didn't even have a driving licence. Zhang insists there is no problem with his driving, and that the only reason he has no licence is his disability. His hands were blown off by firecrackers when he was 12.

"I went to six driving schools, but none of them would take me as a student," he said. "I drive very well, and took part in racing games before."

After graduating from university, Zhang couldn't find a job because of his disability, so he opened a beverage company in Qingdao city. He employs a driver to make deliveries - but sometimes had to stand in for him when he is absent because of illness.

Zhang asked for leniency from the police, who finally only gave him a £15 ticket. He risked a fine of up to £150 and 15 days in jail.

He has promised he will never drive again.

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Aussie politician proposes toad destruction day

An Australian politician wants to designate a special day for residents and their children to hunt and kill what he calls one of the world's most unpleasant creatures: the poisonous cane toad.

The toads were imported from South America to Australia's northeastern state of Queensland in 1935 in a failed attempt to control beetles on sugar cane plantations, and they now threaten many local species.

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has said it backs the plan by state lawmaker Shane Knuth to launch 'Toad Day Out,' but only if the creatures are killed in a humane way, such as euthanizing them in a freezer.

'Obviously we're not idiots. We understand a lot people will be highly reluctant to fill their fridges and freezers with dying cane toads, but at the moment that is the only humane way that we can recommend,' said Michael Beatty, the society's spokesman.

Knuth said Wednesday that he wanted 'a special day that Queenslanders, especially children, could all play their part,' similar to days set aside to clean up garbage.

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Groin man kicked into jail

A man in Canada has been jailed for approaching seven different women and asking them to kick him in the groin.

Jarrett Loft, 28, of Guelph, Ontario, approached the women over a period in April and May last year, requesting that they kick him in the groin.

One woman, who said she was scared of what Loft would do if she refused, complied, kicking him repeatedly in the privates. Loft then thanked her, and cycled away on his bike. Which can't have been easy, given that he'd just been kicked in the nads.

Loft told the court that he had been acting out of curiosity.

Sentencing him to 60 days in jail, to be served at weekends, Judge Bruce Frazer expressed dissatisfaction that the presentencing report failed to shed any light on why Loft wanted to be kicked in the goolies. 'It's remarkable for what it doesn't say,' he harrumphed.

In addition to the 60 days in jail, Loft has been banned from parks, schoolyards and playgrounds, and from accessing the internet.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Massive eggs marks the spot

Square meal: The fried eggs take up Wilhelmina Square in Leeuwarden, in the northern Dutch state of Friesland and are proving a big attraction for visitors

Talk about out of the frying pan... when controversial Dutch artist Henk Hofstra does public art he really goes for it – in fact you could say he really has the eggs factor.

His extraordinary – or should that be eggs-ordinary – series of giant fried eggs has been unveiled in Leeuwarden in Holland.

Hofstra's new work, apparently inspired by his breakfast, is appropriately called Art Eggcident, and features eggs most of which are more than 30m wide.

Some have nice plump yellow mounds, 2.3m high, where the yoke is supposed to be while another has cut figures which appear to be drowning in the yoke.

Hofstra, 55, plans the eggs, to be in situ for the next six months.

Good enough to eat: One of the fried eggs is examined up close

And the work has already proved a hit with the public, with children clambering on top the yokes and with readers of blogs.

One commentator hoped the eggs would be picked up by Google maps, while another said: 'I love it, but it does need bacon. And toast. And coffee.'

Previously, Hofstra was best known for Water is Life which he unveiled in November last year.

In it, he used more than 4000 litres of bright blue paint to cover an entire a kilometre of a road in Drachten, Holland, and even dismantled a car so that it looked as though it had plunged into a river. The road had once been a canal.

Other prime examples of his work include giant, but somewhat unsettling, heads of Friesian cows painted on the sides of walls, and prints of the quintessential Dutch flower, the tulip.