Subject: Daily Dose - 080505 - family way, BIZARRE NEWS, Dumbo, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

Conswelo, a Mexican maid announced to her boss, Mrs. Blanco that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in the family way."

The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who the father could be.

The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."

Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.

"Well," Conswelo explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm in the family way and I quit."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre (and Stupid) Criminals

Washington D.C. - A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Ionia, Michigan - When two service station attendants refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

Radnor, Pennsylvania - Police interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Toronto, Canada - A gas station attendant had no trouble identifying a robber for police, even though the man had worn a pair of women's panties over his head as a disguise. The thief, who later admitted that his mind was clouded by intoxicants, had stuck his face through one of the leg-holes so he could see.

Modesto, CA - Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Virginia Beach - A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants."

Los Angeles, California - Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

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Mall guards accused of strange stealing

ROSEDALE, Minn. - Three Rosedale, Minn., security guards were charged with stealing a bizarre assortment of items -- including shoelaces, boxer shorts and a pink rubber duck.

The three Rosedale Center mall guards -- Paul Thomas Fransen, Corey Lewis Woodhams and Ryan Mitchell Schwerin -- were charged Thursday with stealing the items in addition to Bath & Body Works lotions, skateboards, cell phones, a flat-screen television, a margarita machine, cuff links, a tea kettle and other goods totaling about $20,000 in value from the mall, the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported Friday.

Court documents say boxes of stolen items were found during searches of the suspects' Minneapolis and Roseville apartments. The documents say some of the items were sold on eBay, fenced or returned to stores for cash refunds while others were used by the suspected thieves themselves.

"They were essentially living off stolen property," said Roseville police Capt. Rick Mathwig. "What investigators took surpassed what they left (behind)," Mathwig said of the apartment raids.

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British teacher doubles as hooker

BIRMINGHAM, England - It has been revealed a British teacher allegedly also runs an adult Web site and sells herself as a prostitute.

Diane Hutton, 50, of Birmingham runs an explicit Internet site where she advertises herself as "Seductive Selina," The Sun reported Monday. She reportedly poses nude and in bras and thongs on her Web site, the London newspaper said, and also invites clients to call her cell phone to possibly set up a hotel date for which she would charge $1,279 an hour.

"I suppose I'll get the sack when it comes out, but I don't see how it affects my ability to teach kids," she said when confronted about the after-hours business. "It's my private life and I keep it completely separate from my teaching career."

She said she is a hooker "half for fun and half for the money," and added she likes "to have a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship with my clients with lots of kissing and cuddling before sex."

An inquiry has been launched into Hutton's private after-class life.

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...But I'm a Screamer, Baby!

SACRAMENTO - A California amusement park has instituted a no-screaming policy on a ride so scary it is known as The Screamer.

The problem was the neighbors of the Family Fun Center in Sacramento, KXTV-TV reported. They complained about the volume of screams coming from the ride.

Park managers say the new policy is working. If someone does scream, the ride is stopped immediately and the guilty party is ordered off. Those who want to try again have to wait in line.

Some neighbors are still unhappy. They say that The Screamer, with arms that lift riders high into the air, gives a view of their backyards, interfering with their privacy.

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I was the nurse caring for a couple's newborn first child, a son, after his cesarean birth. Since the mother was asleep under general anesthesia we took our tiny charge directly to the newborn nursery to introduce him to his daddy. While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby's ears conspicuously standing out from his head. He expressed his concern that some kids might call his son names like "Dumbo." The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy, the ears could be easily corrected during childhood.

The father still worried about his wife's reaction to those large protruding ears. "She doesn't take things as easily as I do," he worried.

By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her precious son. I placed the tiny bundle in his mother's arms and eased the blanket back so that she could gaze upon her child for the first time.

She took one look at her baby's face and looked to her husband and gasped, "Oh, Honey! Look! He has your ears!"

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DDL

A eunuch who came from Port Said,

Had a jolly good time in bed.

Nor could any sultana

Detect from his manner

That he used a banana instead.

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"The identity of New York Gov Eliot Spitzer's prostitute has been revealed. She says she doesn't want to be thought of as a monster. She said unless of course, someone has $4,000 and they're into role playing."

-Conan O'Brien

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"Eliot Spitzer, who got caught up in a high-end prostitution ring, announced his resignation today. They're saying he may have spent $80,000 in prostitutes over the years. Is that a lot?"

-Jimmy Kimmel

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"These two guys are now trying to clone human genes into cows, so that you'd get cows that would give human milk. Or maybe you'd get girls with four really big tits. I'm sure they think, 'Either way, big improvement.'"

-Cathryn Michon

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News from the British Tabloids

Man 'targeted by aliens'

A Bosnian man whose home has been hit an incredible five times by meteorites believes he is being targeted by aliens.

Experts at Belgrade University have confirmed that all the rocks Radivoje Lajic has handed over were meteorites. They are now investigating local magnetic fields to try and work out what makes the property so attractive to the heavenly bodies.

But Mr Lajic, who has had a steel girder reinforced roof put on the house he owns in the northern village of Gornja Lamovite, has an alternative explanation.

He said: "I am obviously being targeted by extraterrestrials. I don't know what I have done to annoy them but there is no other explanation that makes sense. The chance of being hit by a meteorite is so small that getting hit five times has to be deliberate."

The first meteorite fell on his house in November last year and since then a further four have smashed into his home. The strikes always happen when it is raining heavily, never when there are clear skies.

He said: "I did not know what the strange-looking stones were at first but I have since had them all confirmed as meteorites by experts at Belgrade University. I am being targeted by aliens. They are playing games with me. I don't know why they are doing this. When it rains I can't sleep for worrying about another strike."

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Road kill diet

A Kent man is vowing to eat nothing but wild food he can forage, including road kill, for a year.

Fergus Drennan, 36, will gather his food within a ten-mile radius of his home in Broad Oak, near Canterbury, reports the Daily Mail. He will be seeking out field mushrooms, berries, nuts, bark, herbs, plants such as dandelions and daisies, and even road kill.

Dead squirrels, foxes, badgers and rabbits he comes across will become his dinner and their skins used for clothing. Coffee will be made from acorns.

Mr Drennan, 36, will be living at home and has allowed himself the use of a fridge, freezer and cooker but will not resort to additional ingredients such as flour or eggs. He hopes that by cutting out processed foods his overall health and well-being will improve dramatically.

"I did a month-long trial run where I only ate wild food that I'd foraged and felt absolutely wonderful for it at the end," he said. "It wasn't as hard as I thought so I made the decision to attempt a full year eating purely wild food. When you are hungry, you look harder and always find something to eat."

Mr Drennan has been interested in foraging since he was a child and has learned to recognise what wild food is not poisonous to humans. He is a successful chef specialising in dishes made from such food, but usually uses pasta and rice to bulk up meals.

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Heart Transplant Recipient Commits Suicide Just Like Donor

SONNY Graham was dying. His heart was giving out. But there came a call. The good news was that Terry Cottle had died first. He’d committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. Sonny could have Terry’s heart.

Operation arranged. Operation a success.

Mr Graham, 69, wanted to thank the donor’s family. He began writing to Mr Cottle’s widow, Cheryl, 39. They fell in love. In 2004, they married.

Said Mrs Graham: “It helped me so much. Meeting Sonny made it easier for me, knowing something so good came from something so bad."

"I felt like I had known her for years,” Mr Graham said. “I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. I just stared.”

Now 12 years on, Mrs Graham is grieving once more. Mr Graham is dead. He has killed himself with a shotgun.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Japanese Face Cream Made From Nightingale Droppings

Smooth as a baby's bottom - thanks to what comes out of a bird's bottom

If you've ever wanted to get shi*t-faced without drinking a drop, then ladies, we've got what you need. It's called "Uguisu no Fun", and I would have to agree... how much fun could it be to plaster your face with bird excrement?

"Uguisu" is the famous Japanese nightingale whose distinctive call adds an exotic note to any forest walk or mountain hike. The noble nightingale was and is appreciated for another, less obvious reason. Somehow, and I can't even imagine how or why it first happened, nightingale poop became a beauty enhancer for women. No BS... well, at least not the kind that comes from bulls.

The straight poop on Geisha make-up

Uguisu no Fun's main effect - that being bleaching and exfoliating the skin - is a result of Guanine, a naturally occurring enzyme found in nightingale droppings. Kabuki actors and high-ranking geisha girls have always prized it as the best way to remove their heavy makeup while leaving their high-priced skin smooth and supple.

Word of the unusual yet effective face treatment has spread to other countries as well. "We have been trying the nightingale facial out and it has been an unbelievable success for treating tortured, dull and sun-damaged skin." So says Hari Salem, owner of Hari's in Knightsbridge, West London. "The droppings, which are applied as a mask with Japanese white clay, are completely safe and treated under UV light to remove bacteria." They are also (supposedly) "fragrance free"... thank goodness for small blessings!

Going to the source...

If you want to go to the source... no, not by following nightingales around, but by shopping in Japan, Uguisu no Fun is available at Japanese cosmetic stores though it's not cheep, er, cheap.

Odd though, if Japan really is concerned about the nation's dropping (sorry) birthrate, does it really need women slathering bird poop on their faces? Seems like hubby-san will be hard pressed to give his wife much more than a "peck" on the cheek... no matter how smooth it is.