Subject: Daily Dose - 080504 - relaxing oral sex, BIZARRE NEWS, horsefly, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

The other day, I was accosted by a hooker. She asked, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50."

"No way!" I responded. "I'm married!"

"So? What difference does that make?" asked the hooker.

So I told her, "The difference is...My wife will do it for only $25."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Hollywood Insults

On Julie Andrews: "Working with her is like being hit over the head with a Valentine's card."

-Christopher Plummer

On Richard Gere: "I'm always trying to find diplomatic ways to talk about Richard and the movie 'An Officer and a Gentleman.' I liked him before we started but that is the last time I can remember talking to him."

-Debra Winger

On Marilyn Monroe: "It's like kissing Hitler."

-Tony Curtis

On Esther Williams: "Wet she's a star. Dry, she ain't."

-Fanny Brice

On Jayne Mansfield: "Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater."

-Bette Davis

On Rex Harrison: "The most brilliant actor that I have ever worked with. I've liked others very much more."

-Anna Neagle.

On Margaret O'Brien: "If that child had been born in the Middle Ages, she'd have been burned as a witch."

-Lionel Barrymore

On Marlon Brando: "He has preserved the mentality of an adolescent. When he doesn't try and someone's speaking to him, it's like a blank wall. In fact it's even less interesting because behind a blank wall you can always suppose that there's something interesting there."

-Burt Reynolds

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Day at ballgame clears murder suspect

LOS ANGELES - A Los Angeles man with a good-as-gold TV alibi has been awarded $320,000 in a wrong-man murder charge.

Juan Catalan, 28, who spent five months in jail in the 2003 slaying of a 16-year-old Sun Valley girl, sued the L.A. City Council for police misconduct after his attorney produced irrefutable evidence he couldn't have done it.

Catalan had insisted he was innocent and that he was at a L.A. Dodgers game with his 6-year-old daughter at the time. Unable to find any trace of him in the game tape, attorney Todd Melnik learned the HBO comedy "Curb Your Enthusiasm" had been shooting at the ball park that day. There, among the discarded, unused tape was Castalan eating a hot dog in the background.

Catalan was not a fan of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" before his time in jail, attorney Gary Casselman said. "He is now."

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Man Arrested For Losing Pants in Airport

MANILA, Philippines, A German man accused of stripping at a Philippines airport after being annoyed by airport security was arrested for lasciviousness.

Hans Jurgen Oskar von Naguschewski was asked by Manila Airport security to go through the X-ray machine a second time, the BBC reported Monday.

"He must have been annoyed that he was asked to walk through the X-ray twice so he took off his pants," Angel Atutubo, chief of security at the airport, told the BBC. "He actually didn't say much, unlike Filipino passengers who would talk a lot,"

Police Superintendent Atilano Morada said. "He was clearly irked and he showed it by disrobing."

Naguschewski could face up to six years in jail if convicted of the charges, the BBC said.

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Man Arrested Fighting With Shrubbery

HILTON ISLAND, S.C. A man was charged with public disorderly conduct in Hilton Island, S.C. after being observed "in a physical confrontation with shrubs" by a deputy.

The Beaufort County Detention Center's online log said the 23-year-old man, whose name was not released, smelled of alcohol and was taken to the detention center to await prosecution, the Hilton Head Island Packet reported.

The deputy that took the man in said he was responding to a complaint the man had attempted to get into someone else's car. When the deputy arrived on the scene the man allegedly had moved on to beating the vegetation.

The police report said the man ran across the street to get in one last kick on a bush before talking to police.

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Aussie cat gets bank credit card

MELBOURNE, Australia - An Australian bank apologized for granting a credit card to a customer's pet cat.

Katherine Campbell told the Australian Broadcasting Corp. that the Bank of Queensland sent a card, attached to her existing account, for her cat "Messiah." She says she was testing the bank's identity screening process.

Asked for comment, a bank official said people who apply for credit cards must sign to confirm the information they have provided is true and not misleading.

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Nothing rattles my father-in-law, especially when the St. Louis Cardinals are on TV.

One day we were watching a game, when my mother-in-law shrieked from the kitchen, "Jim, there's a horsefly in here!"

Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked back, "Give it some cough syrup."

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DDL

There was a young maiden named Rose

With erogenous zones in her toes.

She remained onanistic

Till a foot-fetishistic

Young man became one of her beaus.

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"Tragic news today — Herb Peterson passed away. He was the creator of the Egg McMuffin. He was 89. He said the secret to a long life was to never eat Egg McMuffins."

-Jimmy Kimmel

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"The U.N has announced they have concrete evidence of global warming. And right now they are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it."

-Dave Letterman

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"Scientists have said they may have figured out a way to travel through time. For years now I've known of a potion that can let you travel through time..it's called tequila."

-Craig Ferguson

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News from the British Tabloids

What a knob

A Hungarian farmer almost killed one of his labourers after wiring his barn door to the mains to stop crooks stealing animal food at night.

Laszlo Miklos, 57, from Bekes county, said he had been plagued by thieves for the last month who would break into a barn and steal food meant for sheep and cows.

He said: "I have no idea who would want to steal animal food from me but I was losing money and the thefts were driving me mad. I have an electric fence around parts of my farm to stop the animals getting out and that gave me an idea that I could use electricity to stop the thieves getting in, but I forgot to tell my staff."

Doctors who treated the 51-year-old labourer at a local hospital said he had suffered a heart attack that left him in intensive care and severe burns to his hand and arm.

A hospital spokesman said: "Only the insulated effects of his thick boots saved him from certain death. He is lucky to still be alive."

Miklos is now facing GBH charges over the incident.

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Welsh sheep meet Al Jazeera

A Welsh language channel is to collaborate with Al Jazeera to produce a new series about an extended family of 'all-singing, all-dancing, multi-racial sheep'.

S4C and Cynhyrchiadau Ceidiog Creations will team up with the children's channel of the Arabic language broadcaster to produce a high-definition second series of Baaas. The three companies will produce 52 15-minute episodes of new series of the pre-school show, after the first series was sold to Al Jazeera in 2006.

Baaas is expected to be shown under the title of Meees on S4C in the autumn.

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Student flashes Taj Mahal

A Dutch student has provoked an international incident by posting on YouTube a clip of him flashing his penis at the Taj Mahal.

The director of his school, the Euro College in Rotterdam, has formally apologised to the Indian Ambassador to Holland. And the school is also considering legal action against the student for damaging their proud reputation, reports GVA.

The young man is seen on the clip giggling as he takes his penis out of his trousers. The camera then pans around to show the famous backdrop.

The student was suspended immediately when teachers found out about the incident which happened during a school trip to India.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Face of Jesus appears on cider bottle to amazement of pub drinkers

As miracles go, it is hardly in the same league as turning water into wine. But Michael Cartwright was still pretty impressed when Jesus appeared in the foil wrapping of his cider bottle down at the pub.

Michael Cartwright discovered the face of Jesus on his bottle of cider

"When I saw it I got goose pimples," 35-year-old Mr Cartwright said yesterday. "I have no doubt it is the face of Jesus. You can even see his beard and hair."

Mr Cartwright, a taxi driver from Darlington, noticed the extraordinary image while drinking with a group of friends at his local, the Tanners Hall.

"As the barmaid removed the cap to the cider I suddenly realised what was staring back at me," he added.

One of Mr Cartwright's friends took a photograph. It was only the following morning that he realised how clear the image was. But by then it was too late to retrieve the bottle.

"It ended up getting collected by a barmaid when no one was paying attention and thrown away," said Mr Cartwright.

Drinkers at the Darlington pub were amazed to see the face at the top of the cider bottle

"I'm not sure what message Jesus was sending and maybe now we'll never know."

Had they only held on to the bottle it could have been worth considerably more than the £2.49 it cost over the bar.

Four years ago on eBay, American Diana Duyser sold a piece of ten-year-old toasted cheese sandwich - which appeared to feature the face of the Virgin Mary - for £15,000.