Subject: Daily Dose - 080503 - I/We, BIZARRE NEWS, up for a raise, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

I/We

At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray. She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."

The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as "our" not "your."

Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be rimmed. She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've noticed that your... I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed."

The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing. She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.

Another few days passed, and the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit.  The whole parish was in an uproar of cleaning, etc. On the day the bishop arrived, the nun came down the front stairs yelling, "Father, Father, I found the watch!!"

The bishop said, "How wonderful my child."

After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said, "I found it under our bed."

______________________________

BIZARRE NEWS...

'Spider-Man' scales London building

LONDON - French "Spider-Man" Alain Robert has scaled the more than 20-story Portland House building in London to raise awareness about global warming. Robert, sporting a T-shirt advertising the Web site thesolutionissimple.org, was arrested after he climbed the 331-foot-tall building, The Times of London reported Wednesday.

Police, who cordoned off the area during Robert's stunt, arrested the climber, once he completed his assent, on suspicion of criminal damage and wasting police time. He was being held Tuesday in a London police station.

Robert has climbed more than 70 of the world's tallest and most famous structures, including Eiffel Tower in Paris, the Empire State Building in New York and the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur.

The climber, who was given the nickname "Spider-Man" for his wall-scaling abilities, performs the feats with no equipment or safety nets.

***

Flight attendant suspended over muffin

LONDON - A British flight attendant was suspended for helping himself to an uneaten muffin while busing a passenger's tray. British Airways said the move was made because the employee was suspected of theft and the incident was being taken "extremely seriously."

The Sun reported Wednesday the suspension had many British Airways employees up in arms as well. Some called it an overreaction to an incident involving a muffin that was headed for the trash bin.

Others said the airline had become increasingly "heavy-handed" in its treatment of its employees.

***

Wild ending to school Christmas pageant

HIGH POINT, N.C. - Parents videotaping a North Carolina school Christmas pageant got a bonus of sorts when a wild fight broke out in the audience.

WGHP-TV in High Point, N.C., said Wednesday that several parents sent in their video footage after the Tuesday night event at Oak Hill Elementary School degenerated into name-calling and fisticuffs, not to mention hair-pulling and a few thrown chairs.

Some parents said the fight broke out among three women who had a long history of disdain for one another. More adults either joined in or were trying to separate the combatants. Police were summoned but most everyone had split by the time the squad cars arrived.

"We were there to see our children," Marseddez Lopez told WGHP. "It's not fair to them."

***

Scissors beat paper

LONDON - Britain's New Scientist magazine has announced the strategy most likely to win a game of rock, paper, scissors -- throw scissors first.

The magazine said research shows that rock is considered the post popular choice in the game, so an opponent is likely to start with paper, assuming that rock will be the first move thrown, The Daily Telegraph reported Wednesday. The publication offered alternate strategies for if the game continues past the first round.

"You could try the double bluff, where you tell your opponent what you are going to throw -- then do it," New Scientist said. "No one believes you'll do it, so they won't play the throw that beats the throw you are playing."

The Telegraph said the scissors-first approach helped auction house Christie's defeat rival house Sotheby's for a $20 million deal in 2005. Representatives of Christie's, on the advice of an 11-year-old girl, threw scissors against the Sotheby's team, which threw paper. The two houses were instructed to face one another in the game by a Japanese art collector who could not decide which auction service to use.

______________________________

For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.

A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise.

His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.

______________________________

DDL

Yelled a anarchist, "Down with the Pope

And all the crowned heads of Europe!

Equal rights is our creed,

What more do we need?"

Then somebody shouted out, "Soap".

______________________________

"They were celebrating St. Patrick's Day in Washington. President Bush was a little confused. He came out onto the White House lawn and pardoned the corn beef."

-Dave Letterman

***

"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the bottom."

-Jay Leno

***

"Disney announced that they're banning smoking from all their movies. Which means they won't be buying the scripts I wrote. I wrote a script for Disney called 'Smoke-ahontas'. And another one, the follow-up, 'Cigarella.'"

-Craig Ferguson

______________________________

News from the British Tabloids

Statistic: we don't trust statistics

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Only a third of people trust official statistics, according to official statistics.

Figures from an Office for National Statistics poll of more than 1,000 adults also found the majority thought figures were manipulated for political purposes. According to the research, just 36% of people believed official statistics were accurate. And 84% said the Government twisted figures when talking about its policies.

The figure of 36% confidence in official statistics represents a 1% decline since 2005, when 37% of people trusted official statistics, according to statistics.

Road casualty totals were thought to be the most reliable, with statistics on hospital waiting lists the least trusted, the poll revealed. It also found that television was the most powerful source of opinion-forming media, with the internet growing in influence.

The findings were released as the ONS prepares to become independent of ministerial control. It will become the new UK Statistics Authority, answering directly to Parliament, in a bid to boost public confidence in its role.

(I love the irony in this story...)

**********

A 55-Year Old Woman’s Cancer Baby And What It Means For You

“MUM TO BE AGE 55 WAS TOLD HER BUMP WAS CANCER.”

The Mail’s front page features Susan Tollefsen, age 57. She “feared the worst when she was sent to hospital for a scan on her growing bump”. And was told by the sonographer: “Congratulations, you’re almost 30 weeks pregnant.”

“I was lying on the examination table thinking, ‘I’m going to die’ when the sonographer turned round to me and said ‘Congratulations’,” says Susan. “My initial reaction was to think, ‘What a terrible way to tell me I’ve got ovarian cancer’. When he then said, ‘You’re pregnant’ I was literally speechless.

It turns out that the “Easter miracle” is a combination of IVF treatment, luck and perseverance.

Susan we learn is a special needs teacher. She is now with Nick but was married to Bruno, an Italian restaurateur.

Nick’s job is not given. And Mail readers are surely interested to know what it is Nick does. The Mail begins each interview by extending a gloved hand and asking: “So, what is it you do?” How did Nick escape?

In harvesting job titles, the Mail can provide context to stories, coming up with news such as today’s headline maker: “Financial adviser arrested and forced to give DNA sample after spraying neighbour with garden hose.”

Financial advisors can debate if they are more likely to spray a neighbour with a garden hose, just as special needs teachers once married to Italian restauranteurs can wonder if they have ovarian cancer, billed as the “silent killer”?

But statistics rely on facts and until Nick’s job is specified, we fear many 57-year-old women with distended stomachs will be uncertain how they fit into the picture.

And if being married to a sales executive for a biscuit company increases or reduces their chances of conception, or a row with the neighbours?

(tongue and cheek statistics again...)

**********

Flat has bath in kitchen

A Brighton flat is on the market with a bath in the kitchen and the only toilet on the balcony.

The property in Hanover Street, Brighton, one of the most unusual in the country, is expected to fetch between £100,000 and £130,000 at auction next month. The four room flat boasts the innovative kitchen space-saving feature of a bath with a hinged worktop, reports the Brighton Argus.

Auction manager Nick Muston, of estate agents Austin Gray, said: "It's an extraordinary place. I couldn't quite believe it when I went inside. I've been in about 15,000 properties in my career as an auctioneer and I've never before come across a property with a bath in the kitchen."

It also features the original outside loo on the balcony, which is the only one that serves the flat. The building, which is believed to date from the 1820s, has a red brick front and a cast iron staircase and it still has 103 years to run on its lease.

Apart from its obvious quirks, Mr Muston said the property could make a nice project for DIY enthusiasts.

Similar flats in the area that have been brought up to modern living standards have been known to sell in the region of £150,000.

______________________________

Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Seattle's pigeons shot with darts at risk of painful death

This pigeon is among those shot in downtown Seattle.

Someone is impaling pigeons in downtown Seattle with metal darts, and the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is putting up $2,000 to help find out who.

Several Seattle residents have called PETA in the past two weeks to report seeing three injured pigeons fluttering around with needlelike projectiles — about 3 to 4 inches long — piercing their heads, said Tori Perry, cruelty case worker for the Norfolk, Virginia-based organization. The birds were spotted in the 1400 block of Third Avenue and at the corner of Third Avenue and Union Street, she added. The darts were fired from a blow gun, lodging directly behind the birds' eyes without penetrating their brains, Perry said.

The longer the darts remain, the higher the chance for the injury to get worse and infection to set in, she said. The end result: "a very, very painful death," Perry said.

"This is just a horrifying case," she said. "Someone who would do this to an animal is a short step away from doing this to a human being."

Authorities at the Seattle Animal Shelter said they have also gotten several complaints about the darted pigeons. And, they add, it's been difficult to track and capture the birds to get them proper treatment.

"They are quite athletic, good fliers," said Don Baxter, enforcement supervisor. "They're not hanging around waiting for an officer to get close" to take them to a veterinarian, he said.

Anyone with information is asked to contact the Seattle Animal Shelter at 206-386-7387.