Subject: Daily Dose - 080430 - burial
bag, News from the British Tabloids, Ohio, DDL, Rotten News
Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle. They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.
Of course he did pass away and the "boys" remembered to keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more".
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.
Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do". The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears!
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel."
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News from the British Tabloids....
Anti-vandalism protester arrested
A Polish man who pasted a notice on a bus stop asking vandals to stop vandalising it was arrested - for vandalism.
Janusz Nowak, 61, was arrested as he pasted the message on a pavement in the southern Polish town of Sosnowiec. His notice read: "Dear Vandals - please stop destroying the bus-stop."
A police spokesman said: "Although the man had good intentions and wanted to express his indignation towards hooligans' behaviour in the neighbourhood he unfortunately broke the law himself."
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Balloon leads to litter letter
A New Year reveller who let off a balloon in Sussex has received a letter from France accusing her of littering.
Heidi Lebers, 39, from Heathfield, released the balloon with a message reading: "Happy New Year to whoever finds this when it lands". Six weeks later she received a letter from Toucy, 200 miles south of Paris, accusing her of littering, reports The Times.
She said: "I had no idea that I would get this kind of response."
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Half of UK men would swap sex for 50 inch TV
LONDON (Reuters) - Nearly half of British men surveyed would give up sex for six months in return for a 50-inch plasma TV, a survey -- perhaps unsurprisingly carried out for a firm selling televisions -- said on Friday.
Electrical retailer Comet surveyed 2,000 Britons, asking them what they would give up for a large television, one of the latest consumer "must-haves". The firm found 47 percent of men would give up sex for half a year, compared to just over a third of women.
"It seems that size really does matter more for men than women," the firm said.
A quarter of people said they would give up smoking, with roughly the same proportion willing to give up chocolate.
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Singapore Teaches Lessons In Seduction
IN Singapore, the government is offering students lessons in seduction. The city state’s flagging birth rates need upping.
Says 18-year-old mechanical engineering student, Isabel Seet, in the Straits Times newspaper: “My teacher said if a guy looks into my eyes for more than five seconds, it could mean that he is attracted to me and I stand a chance. It’s very interesting, and if I have a boyfriend in future, I’ll know how to cope with any problems we may have.”
Specifically, if said lover, most likely an optician, has cataracts, myopia or mad staring eyes.
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Woman robs bank with chocolates
A shopping mall in Olathe, Kansas, was evacuated after a woman robbed a bank with a box of chocolates.
The woman walked up to a cashier at the Capitol Federal Bank and said the box contained an explosive and demanded money.
She got away with an undisclosed sum, but after X-raying the package, the bomb squad discovered it contained chocolates and harmless wires.
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Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know, the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on the moon was from Ohio."
"Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio," he observed.
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DDL
There was an old puzzler, Ben Ross,
Who died - doing crosswords, of course.
He was buried, poor Ben,
With eraser and pen
In a box, six feet down, three across.
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How come it takes 6 men to carry a man to his grave but only one woman to put him there?
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Paddy the electrician was recently sacked for refusing to service the electric chair at the prison where he worked. He claimed it was a death trap.
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
***
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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Rotten News.... (true)
What are you doing here? - man asks wife at brothel
WARSAW (Reuters) - A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment's employees.
Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.
"I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming," the husband told the newspaper on Wednesday.
The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing, the newspaper reported.
(Writing by Chris Borowski, Editing by Matthew Jones)
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Germans lose jobs after S&M holiday
Thu Jan 10, 2:53 PM ET
BERLIN (Reuters) - A man and a woman in Germany lost their jobs after pretending to be on a training course while taking an S&M sex holiday at their employer's expense.
"We've never had a case quite like this before," said a spokeswoman for a labour court in Dortmund on Thursday.
The pair who worked at a Dortmund retirement home said they had been at a further education seminar in eastern Germany, for which their employer duly paid. But after a tip-off, the home found out the middle-aged couple had actually taken a holiday apartment used by devotees of sado-masochistic sex near the Dutch border.
When the couple denied they had skipped the seminar, their employers took them to court. The pair agreed to resign when it was found that the training course had never taken place.
(Reporting by Dave Graham; Editing by Giles Elgood)
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Macedonian court convicts bear of stealing honey
Thu Mar 13, 3:18 PM ET
SKOPJE (Reuters) - A Macedonian court convicted a bear of theft and damage for stealing honey from a beekeeper who fought off the attacks with thumping "turbo-folk" music.
"I tried to distract the bear with lights and music because I heard bears are afraid of that," Zoran Kiseloski told top-selling daily Dnevnik after the year-long case of the bear vs. the beekeeper ended in the beekeeper's favour. "So I bought a generator, lit up the area and put on songs of (Serbian 'turbo-folk' star) Ceca."
The bear stayed away for a few weeks, but came back when the generator ran out of power and the music fell silent, Kiseloski said, adding, "it attacked the beehives again."
A court in the city of Bitola found the bear guilty, and since it had no owner and belonged to a protected species, ordered the state to pay the 140,000 denars (1,726 pounds) damage it caused to the hives.
There was no information on the whereabouts of the bear.
(Reporting by Ljilja Cvekic; Editing by Ellie Tzortzi and Mary Gabriel)
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
John Cleese 'silly walks' into Poland
A Polish town has invited John Cleese to judge a special silly walks competition organised in his honour.
The Monty Python comedian is enjoying new found fame in the country as the star of a new advert on Polish TV for local bank BZ WBK. It features him trying to persuade the bank to let him open an account - and claiming that though he has no Polish address his aunt came from the town of Pcim.
Cleese has already agreed to promote the town of Pcim by letting it use his image on billboards, and now the town's mayor has invited him to a summer festival and invited him to judge a silly walks competition.
Daniel Obajtek, Pcim mayor, said: "We have asked him to come and are waiting for his reply. We have set up billboards with Cleese's picture on the roads into the village and we plan to make this a huge event."
The mayor had originally been angry when he saw the advert on TV and said: "Thanks to Cleese everyone wants to laugh at our town and nobody wants to hear about our achievements. The name of our town is coming out of the mouth of someone who has made a joke of everything, his whole life."
But he was reportedly persuaded to change his opinion after an advertising agency said the town could benefit from linking itself with the comedy star.