Subject: Daily Dose - 080428 - genie, BIZARRE NEWS, Tucson newspaper, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Celebrity Complaints

"I've always said that if anyone ever thought I was straight they must need glasses -- but when I finally came out and said, 'Yes, I do sleep with men and I'm gay,' yeah, I lost record sales. There's no question -- big, big time."

-Boy George

"It costs a lot of money to look this cheap."

-Dolly Parton (about herself)

"Just standing around looking beautiful is so boring, really boring, so boring."

-Michelle Pfeiffer

"The one thing I do not want to be called is First Lady. It sounds like a saddle horse."

-Jacqueline Kennedy

"It's a drag having to wear socks during matches, because the tan, like, stops at the ankles. I can never get my skin, like, color coordinated."

-Monica Seles

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

-Joan Rivers

"It was no great tragedy being Judy Garland's daughter. I had tremendously interesting childhood years--except they had little to do with being a child."

-Liza Minnelli

"I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, 'I'm in here when you're walking around like that?'"

-Robin Williams, about his body hair

"Don't tell anyone. I'm supposed to be dumb."

-Former supermodel Helena Christensen admits she can speak six languages

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Kid hits button, foams airport hanger

PHILADELPHIA - A curious kid just couldn't resist temptation and hit an emergency button that triggered a sea of fire suppression foam at a Philadelphia airport hanger. The expanse of white foam not only filled the hanger Saturday but it spilled out onto the tarmac where the wind blew puffs of it into the air like a snow storm.

The incident at Northeast Airport occurred during Agusta Aerospace's family day outing. Authorities said an employee's child hit a button that said "Don't hit button unless in an emergency" WPVI-TV in Philadelphia reported.

The Philadelphia Fire Department was called out to clean up the mess. There was no word on any damage to the helicopter inside the hanger.

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Man survives high-speed boat fall

LAND O'LAKES, Fla. - A Florida man escaped serious injury when he was thrown from a speedboat traveling in excess of 90 miles per hour.

James Helmintoller of Land O'Lakes was piloting the 353 Fastech speedboat down the Anclote River Channel when the craft hit a wake and the ensuing jolt ejected him into the channel, the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported Wednesday. U.S. Coast Guard personnel rescued Helmintoller from the water and he later checked himself into Helen Ellis Hospital for treatment of injuries described by officials as non-life threatening.

Helmintoller's runaway boat continued to travel more than a mile until it hit the shore and ripped through 500 feet of beach before coming to a halt.

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Mountain lion ruins hot tub session

DEADWOOD, S.D. - A South Dakota woman eased into her outdoor hot tub and cornered a mountain lion crouching less than a foot from her head.

Marlene Todd told the Rapid City (S.D.) Journal that as she settled into the warm swirling water she heard a rustling noise and saw the big cat looking at her from outside the tub. The animal was apparently as startled as she was, the newspaper reported Sunday.

Todd said she had the encounter with the mountain lion Thursday. She said the cat was trapped between the tub and the stairs to her deck and had to jump up onto the edge of the tub to escape.

"We locked eyes, and it kicked off of the hot tub and ran away." Todd called police, who said the cat was likely either stalking deer or had sought out the radiating warmth of the hot tub on a cold morning.

"It could have been way bad if it would have slipped and fell in the tub with me," Todd said. "I now know what a goldfish feels like in a bowl when the cat is looking at it."

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During a tour at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, a New York City woman mentioned that she was raising a type of cactus in a pot on her apartment balcony. Another tourist asked her how she kept from watering it too much, because the cactus would die if over watered.

"I subscribe to the Tucson newspaper," replied the New Yorker. "Every time I read that it rained in the desert, I give my plant some water."

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DDL

There was a young man from Port Said,

Whose penis grew tattered and frayed.

Thus earning the jeers

Of his sadistic peers,

And complaints from the women he'd laid.

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"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all said that they are the person who should answer the phone at the White House if it rings at 3 a.m. Meanwhile, most Americans think that the White House should just get a receptionist."

-Conan O'Brien

***

And remember... Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 per cent probability you'll get it wrong.

***

"New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for my driver."

-Dave Letterman

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News from the British Tabloids

Pensioners flee floater in pool

Horrified pensioners fled a swimming pool in Manchester after spotting excrement in the water.

Management at Urmston Leisure Centre removed the unwanted floater then informed swimmers that as it was not diarrhoea they would not clean the pool, close it or offer a refund to those affected.

Friends Raymond Lockett and Ken Mills, both 71, made the unpleasant discovery this week whilst on their usual Monday afternoon over-40s swim.

Ken said: "I was swimming along when I noticed it on the bottom of the pool and got hold of the attendants. It does turn you off from swimming there. Last time this happened the pool was closed and we feel this should have happened this time. We feel it should have been closed down and cleaned properly and at least offered a refund, especially after swimming costs have risen by 100 per cent recently - you expect a bit of cleanliness," Raymond added.

A Trafford Community Leisure Trust spokesperson said: "There was an incident at Urmston Pool regarding solid faeces at around 1.40 in the afternoon. part of the stool in one area of the pool was removed by a member of the public with no consent or knowledge of the lifeguards. As soon as the lifeguards were alerted to the issue, the pool was emptied of customers and the remaining stool was removed by the lifeguards, following this a pool test was conducted and showed that the pool was well within the safe parameters. As such the pool did not need to be closed."

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Beanz meanz lean

An Essex man has lost 10 stone in nine months - by eating six cans of baked beans a day.

Neil King, 40, has munched his way through more than half a tonne of beans in that time, reports the Daily Mirror. The mechanic serves them up for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and his weight has fallen from 30st in June to just under 20st today.

But the dad of four claims downing more than 1,500 cans of beans has not given him wind. At least not since he stopped eating them on toast.

Neil, from Halstead, Essex, said: "When people first heard I think they were scared to light a match nearby but I think my body has just got used to it. Beans on white bread had me trumping non-stop so I gave that up and I haven't looked back. Some people think I'm mad but I love the taste and the weight has been dropping off."

Neil used to eat a pack of biscuits for breakfast, two Mars bars for a mid-morning snack and a full English breakfast for lunch. He would then snack on two packets of crisps and have a roast dinner for tea. After that he would down up to eight pints of lager in the pub and grab a kebab on the way home.

He decided to diet after doctors told him he risked bowel cancer, which killed his mother.

Wife Cheryl said: "He's like a new man."

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Girl, 3, threw out family savings

A Chinese couple are distraught after their three year old daughter threw their savings out of the window of their 17th floor flat. The little girl threw the equivalent of £700 out of the window of their rented apartment in Shenzen while her parents were asleep.

"When I woke up, she wasn't beside me, and my purse was on the bed, open, and with a thick wad of money missing," said the mother, Mrs. Huang.

Mrs Huang says she immediately asked her daughter what had happened, but the girl said she didn't know.

"I looked everywhere, then I noticed there were two notes on the windowsill, and another two on the window sill one floor down," she added.

The owner of a restaurant on the first floor of the building told her that money had been raining down on to the street, and that passers-by had gone crazy trying to catch it. Mrs Huang said she spent the whole day in tears as £400 of the money had belonged to other people.

"We're now hoping for magic, and that the people with our money will bring it back," she said.

The parents have now installed wire mesh on all of their windows, reports Southern Metropolis News.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Tiny teenager from India is smallest girl in the world

A teenager from India who stands at a tiny 1ft 11in (58cm) tall is the smallest girl in the world. Jyoti Amge, 14, is shorter than the average two-year-old child and only weighs 11lb (5kg).

Jyoti is smaller than the average two-year-old child

She has a form of dwarfism called achondroplasia and won't grow any taller than her current height.

Due to her size, Jyoti has to have clothes and jewellery made for her. She sleeps in a tiny bed and uses special plates and cutlery to eat, as normal-sized utensils are too big. Despite this, she goes to a regular school in Nagpur, central India, where she has her own small desk and chair, and her classmates treat her like any other student.

Jyoti sits at her mini-desk and chair at school

Jyoti also shares common interests with other teenagers, with a love for DVDs and fashionable dresses.

She said: 'I am proud of being small. I love all the attention I get. I'm not scared of being small and I don't regret it. I'm just the same as other people. I eat like you, dream like you. I don't feel any different.'

Jyoti is treated like a mini-celebrity in her home town, where people flock to meet her and some even treat her like a goddess. She will even be releasing an album with her favourite Indian pop star, the bhangra/rap star Mika Singh.

Jyoti lines up with her classmates

Her mum, Ranjana Amge, 45, said: 'When Jyoti was born, she seemed quite normal. We came to know about her disorder when she was five. We consulted a specialist and he said she will be this size all of her life. Jyoti is small, yet cute, and we love her very much.'

Jyoti is ambitious and hopes to work as a Bollywood actress one day. She said: 'I would love to work in a big city like Mumbai, act in films and travel to London and America.

Jyoti chats to her friends on her phone, just like any other teenager

'I'm proud of being small. I love all the attention I get because of it.'

Her dad, Kishanji Amge, 52, said: 'I can't separate myself from her even for a single day. I love her very much.  She makes me proud. Lots of gurus come to see and bless her. They pray for her happiness and long life.'