Subject: Daily Dose - 080424 - dwarf,
THIS is TRUE, oral sex, DDL, Rotten News
On my way to work this morning I rear ended the car in front of me , I obviously wasn't paying attention to the road ...
anyway this guy gets out of his car ... he was a dwarf !!!
He said "I'm not happy !"
"Well" I replied "Which dwarf are you??
(Thanks Jim...)
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THIS is TRUE...
HOW DRY I AM: Calls for more stringent drunk-driving laws in Ireland have brought resistance -- from Roman Catholic priests. The current .08 percent limit is fine, but tightening it any more than that isn't, the priests say, because they often have to celebrate mass more than once a day, which includes communion. "You could be over the limit trying to travel between maybe two or three churches on a Sunday morning and coming back again," complained Fr. Brian D'Arcy, rector of the Passionist Monastery in Enniskillen. (Reuters)
...I always thought it was a "sip", not a whole bottle.
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DON'T GO THERE: "Jody was Dayne's best friend," said Jessica Harris, 15. "That's why it escalated the way it did." She was referring to what happened when Dayne Simons, 17, confronted Jody Ross, 19. Police in Leesburg, Fla., say Simons beat Ross with an ax, using both the blunt and blade sides. Ross survived; Simons has been charged with attempted homicide. What provoked the attack? Simons became upset when he discovered Ross was dating Maria Mines, 35. Mines is Simons' mother. (Orlando Sentinel)
...It wasn't just the dating, but more Ross's taunts of "Who's yer daddy!?"
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BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE: The operator of Britain's National Lottery issued a new scratch-and-win game. The theme of the "Cool Cash" game was winter temperatures: tickets were winners if the scratched-off temperature was lower than the figure shown on the card. But players couldn't figure out whether or not they had won. "I phoned [the lottery] and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher, not lower, than -8," complained one woman, "but I'm not having it." The lottery got so many similar calls that they gave up and canceled the game. (Manchester Evening News)
...Dumb: Players not understanding basic math. Dumber: A lottery operator which doesn't already know players aren't any good at math.
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A (DOUBLE) BARREL OF FUN: A man in South Kitsap, Wash., had been working on his car, and needed to remove a wheel. One lug nut was too tight to budge, so he chose an unconventional tool to loosen it: a shotgun. The 00-buck from the round ricocheted, carrying with it chunks of metal from the wheel. The do-it-yourselfer was hospitalized with "severe but not life-threatening" injuries from his shins to his chin. The unidentified 66-year-old man "wasn't intoxicated," a sheriff's spokesman said, and didn't say why he resorted to a shotgun. "I don't think he was in any condition to say anything," the spokesman said. "The pain was so severe." (Kitsap Sun)
...Stupidity should hurt.
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ARDON THE RING: "'Shut Up' Is Hit Ringtone in Spain"
-- AFP headline
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Mary: I finally had to tell my ex that my mother had forbidden me from ever having oral sex.
Jill: What do you mean?
Mary: I told him that my mother had taught me not to put small things into my mouth for fear of a choking hazard.
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DDL
A naked young tart named Roselle
Walked the streets while ringing a bell;
When asked why she rang it
She answered, 'Gol dang it!
Can't you see I have something to sell?'
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"The government is now going to hand out rebate checks to try to restore confidence in the U.S. economy. The bad news is, half the people want the money in euros, and half want the money in pesos."
-Jay Leno
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"It's National Pancake Day! To celebrate, the International House of Pancakes is giving away pancakes until 10 p.m. I went earlier but someone had eaten all the pancakes. Damn you, Drew Carey!"
-Craig Ferguson
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"Exciting news from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology. The Norwegians released a study today that says having a sense of humor can help people live longer. In other words, if you don't laugh at this monologue tonight, you're going to die."
-Jimmy Kimmel
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Rotten News.... (true)
Model police officer arrested for extortion
Thu Feb 14, 12:17 PM ET
MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - A two-time Mexico City "policeman of the year" has been arrested on suspicion of extorting money from illegal "car-watchers" who demand tips for curbside parking.
Police said Alejandro Garnino, who was awarded Mexico City's highest police honor in 2005 and 2006, is suspected of charging up to 1,000 pesos ($94) to allow dozens of car-watchers to operate outside one of Mexico's largest stadiums.
"It is a shock to all of us. His conduct was such a shining example," an official at Mexico City's police force said on Wednesday. He said Garnino turned himself in on Monday night.
Corruption plagues Mexico's underpaid police forces, where officers regularly take bribes to turn a blind eye to offenses from traffic violations to kidnapping and drug dealing.
In Mexico's most violent drug hotspots near the U.S. border, President Felipe Calderon has sent the army to clean up police, but army generals say corruption is so deep that cleansing the forces could take years.
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Blow-up doll stands in for groom
Fri Feb 15, 10:33 PM ET
GROVE CITY, Ohio - If one bride felt lighter than air in her wedding gown, her groom certainly felt like air itself as 19 couples renewed their vows near Columbus.
Sheila Smith's husband, Bob, had to go away on business and couldn't make the Valentine's Day recommitment service at Grove City United Methodist Church. So friends brought a life-size inflatable doll to serve as a stand-in.
They dressed Blow-up Bob in dress pants, a shirt and tie, and taped on a head-shot photo of the real Bob Smith.
His wife was blown away, because she thought she'd only be serving as matron of honor for four of her friends. After Sheila Smith phoned her husband to tell him about his air-filled alter ego, she wiped away tears as she told how he laughed so hard he couldn't speak.
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Driver abandons bus with Texas parolees
Fri Feb 15, 2:07 AM ET
CORSICANA, Texas - A driver who apparently took her work rules very seriously abandoned a bus full of former prisoners along a highway because her hours for the day were over, police said.
The 40 passengers had been paroled or released from the state prison in Huntsville. Some wore ankle bracelet monitors. They were aboard a charter bus that was headed Thursday to a terminal in Dallas but wound up 60 miles short.
Police said the bus was chartered from Greyhound Bus Lines Inc. The driver pulled over in front of a convenience store around 4 p.m. and told the passengers her allotted driving time was up and another driver was on the way.
A clerk in the convenience store called police. Officers arrived to find the former prisoners milling around the bus. Dispatchers exchanged several phone calls with Greyhound and prison officials while Lawhon and two other officers stayed with the bus and the passengers.
Just before 7 p.m., a second bus arrived with three drivers — including the one who had abandoned her passengers in the first place, Lawhon said.
Greyhound spokesman Dustin Clark said company officials were investigating the incident. "It is a very serious matter," he said. Clark said drivers have to follow strict guidelines on consecutive working hours and rest periods.
Police said there were no incidents involving the passengers while they were stranded.
"Their behavior was exemplary," Officer Travis Wallace said.
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
Lunt villagers sick of graffiti
A campaign has been launched in the historic village of Lunt to change its name because vandals keep defacing road signs.
The not-so-witty pranksters constantly change the village's name to an extremely rude swear word, reports the Daily Telegraph. However, the proposal is dividing villagers in the Merseyside community who say they should not have to give up a name that has been around since the 13th century.
Martyn Ball, a retired police officer and prospective Conservative councillor, is urging residents to support the move because he is fed up with the graffiti which greets visitors to the village.
He said: "We are all painfully aware of the repeated times our village sign is defaced by mindless yobs who change the L to a C. Drive in every day and you see a very offensive word."
Dr Ball has suggested Launt as an alternative name, which he says would be pronounced the same. However, others in the village say the vandals should not be allowed to ruin their heritage.
Steward Dobson, 84, a parish councillor, said: "This village is very, very old and people don't want the name changed."
David Roughley, whose family has farmed in Lunt since 1851, added: "At the end of the day we live in Lunt and we don't want to change because of a few yobs. It is the vandals who should change, not the village."