Subject: Daily Dose - 080423 - slow
group of golfers, BIZARRE NEWS, genie, DDL, Rotten News
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
"Whats with these guys", says the engineer "We must have been waiting for over 25 minutes!!".
"I don't know" answers the doctor, "but I've never seen such ineptitude!!".
"Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Lets have a word with him, and find out who these guys are". says the priest, who then turns around and says "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us, they are rather slow, aren't they?"
George: "Oh yes. Thats a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sights while saving our club house last year. So we let them play anytime free of charge!
.... Silence...
"That's so sad" says the priest, "I'll say a special prayer for them tonight".
"Good idea", replies the doctor "And I am going to contact my Opthalmologist buddy and ask him if there's anything he can do for them."
"That's all well and good," says the engineer, "but why can't these guys just play at night?"
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BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Crimes of the 20th Century
In 1901, a thief robbed a post train in New Orleans and stole 12,568 Christmas cards.
In 1910, a man known as John Smith decided to rob a bank. He put on women's tights and entered the office. All clients and the security started laughing, but it did not stop Smith from approaching the cash desk and withdrawing $10,000 from his own account. Laughing police officers took the bizarre thief away.
In 1936, a prisoner sentenced to death penalty escaped during his own execution. He ran away together with the electric chair, to which he was fixed. The prisoner hoped to cross the Mexican border and sell the electric chair in Mexico. The police nabbed the fugitive near the prison gate.
In 1966, a group of gypsies stole an elephant in the city of Arkhangelsk, Russia. They failed to sell the animal and had to bring it back to the zoo.
In 1975, a married couple of thieves went to court when they could not agree on how to split what they had stolen before. The court put them both in jail.
In 1980, two perpetrators tried to rob a bank in New York. They disarmed the security, told them to take all money and other metal things out of their pockets and stole all that. No one even bothered to catch them.
In 1982, a criminal broke into a flat of a Russian elderly lady and stole a replica of Da Vinci's Mona Lisa. The lady cut that picture out from a very old magazine - it was the only thing that the criminal stole.
In 1986, a thief broke into a casino in Atlantic City. Yielding a gun, the man stole a bag of quarters. The thief ran about ten meters away from the cash desk, sat down at one of the gambling machines and started playing. Hardly had he lost a half of the money to the machine, when the police nabbed him.
In 1998, the largest theft of punched cards took place in the Moscow region in 1998. Three years later it became known that someone had stolen about 20 train cars of punched cards. It is still a mystery who stole the cards, what for and where such a large number of cards came from. Furthermore, no one even reported the disappearance of 20 cars.
In 1999, a group of Russian soldiers robbed a beer kiosk not far from their quarters. A company of soldiers stopped near the kiosk, a sergeant called three military men from the line and ordered them to rob it.
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Man saved by wedding band
JACKSON, Miss. - A Jackson, Miss., business owner evaded serious injury or death when a bullet fired by a robber bounced off of his wedding ring on its way to his head.
Donnie Register said he raised his hand to protect his head during the Saturday robbery at his Fondren antique shop and a shot fired from one of the two robbers -- described by police as black men -- was deflected by his ring, WAPT-TV, Jackson, Miss., reported Monday. Police credited the ring with saving Register's life.
"The bullet managed to go through two of his fingers without severing the bone. A part of the bullet broke off and is in his middle finger. The other part is in his neck, lodged in the muscle tissue. But it's not life-threatening," Register's wife, Darlene, told the Jackson Clarion-Ledger.
Jackson police spokesman Sgt. Jeffery Scott said the suspects made off with "a substantial amount of cash."
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Pampered pooch draws death threats
NEW YORK - The Maltese pup that inherited $12 million from Leona Helmsley has been forced to flee Helmsley's Connecticut estate after receiving dozens of death threats.
The petite pooch called Trouble was flown under an assumed name to a Helmsley property in Florida several months ago, The New York Post reported Monday.
"We've had problems keeping her identity confidential, and we had to change her name even to take her on the aircraft," said John Codey, the Helmsley executive in charge of Trouble's $12 million trust fund.
Trouble has a rotating security team, which accompanied her to Florida. The dog's penchant for biting people has earned her a lot of enemies over the years but Codey says he is astonished by the animosity towards the pooch. At a yearly cost estimated at more than $300,000, Trouble lives better than most Americans with meals prepared by chefs, expert medical care and frequent grooming.
Helmsley's will called for Trouble to be cared for by her brother but he declined to take the pooch saddling Helmsley employees with the job.
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Doughnuts fly during Wis. police chase
MADISON, Wis. - A man was charged with leading police on a high-speed chase through Madison, Wis. -- in a stolen Krispy Kreme truck.
Police said Warren G. Whitelightning was driving without a license, which had been revoked after his fourth drunken driving charge. The truck, which had doughnuts flying out of the back during the chase, rammed a University of Wisconsin police car, police said. No injuries were reported.
Various charges against Whitelightning included theft of the truck, attempting to elude pursuing police and stealing eight red-hot pickled sausages, the Capitol Times reported. Whitelightning could face up to 9 1/2 years in prison, authorities said.
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Once upon a time a man was walking down the street. He saw an ancient oil lamp in an ash can and, thinking of the Aladdin legend, he picked up and rubbed it. Sure enough, out popped a genie.
This genie sounded more like Pauly Shore than Robin Williams. "Master, I shall now grant you one wish." The man spoke, his eyes bulging with desire. "I wanna be rock hard and get plenty of ass for the rest of my life!"
The genie obediently turned him into a toilet.
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DDL
One midnight, old D.G. Rossetti
Remarked to Miss Sidall: 'Oh, Betty,
I wish that you'd stop
Shouting "F*ck me, you wop!"
It turna da tool to spaghetti!'
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"Senator Larry Craig... you know, America's favorite rest-room enthusiast, is now seeking intern applications for the summer term. In fact, the first question he asks when you go in for the interview is, 'You're not a cop, are you?'"
-Jay Leno
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Sign on condom machine in Men's Room:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
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"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too can become great. "
--Mark Twain
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"According to Entertainment Weekly the new term for gay lovers is 'manpanions'. Well, at least it doesn't sound gay."
--Jay Leno
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Rotten News.... (true)
Moses was high on drugs: Israeli researcher
JERUSALEM (AFP) - High on Mount Sinai, Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments, an Israeli researcher claimed in a study published this week.
Such mind-altering substances formed an integral part of the religious rites of Israelites in biblical times, Benny Shanon, a professor of cognitive psychology at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem wrote in the Time and Mind journal of philosophy.
"As far Moses on Mount Sinai is concerned, it was either a supernatural cosmic event, which I don't believe, or a legend, which I don't believe either, or finally, and this is very probable, an event that joined Moses and the people of Israel under the effect of narcotics," Shanon told Israeli public radio on Tuesday.
Moses was probably also on drugs when he saw the "burning bush," suggested Shanon, who said he himself has dabbled with such substances.
"The Bible says people see sounds, and that is a clasic phenomenon," he said citing the example of religious ceremonies in the Amazon in which drugs are used that induce people to "see music."
He mentioned his own experience when he used ayahuasca, a powerful psychotropic plant, during a religious ceremony in Brazil's Amazon forest in 1991. "I experienced visions that had spiritual-religious connotations," Shanon said.
He said the psychedelic effects of ayahuasca were comparable to those produced by concoctions based on bark of the acacia tree, that is frequently mentioned in the Bible.
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"Winning" Super Bowl shirts end up in Nicaragua
Fri Feb 15, 11:08 AM ET
MANAGUA (Reuters) - Shirts and caps proclaiming the victory of the New England Patriots -- when the American football team actually lost the latest Super Bowl -- have ended up in the hands of poor Nicaraguan children.
Hundreds of shirts and caps, which had been manufactured in advance to celebrate the Patriots' expected victory over the New York Giants, were handed over to children in the southern city of Diriamba.
World Vision has links with the National Football League, or NFL, and every year helps out poor children in Latin America and Africa with the unwanted "winners" shirts of the team that actually loses the Super Bowl.
Winners' shirts and other garments are produced in advance so players and fans can put them on to celebrate immediately after the final whistle of the game. Garments of the losing team are obviously unwanted. The Giants stunned the previously undefeated Patriots 17-14 in this year's Super Bowl.
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Stop thief, why are you wearing that hanger?
Wed Feb 27, 3:31 PM ET
BERLIN (Reuters) - An elderly German who hid a stolen suit under his clothes was caught because he forgot to take it off the hanger, police said Wednesday.
A sales assistant at a men's outfitter in the western city of Aachen noticed the hanger bulging out when the man told her he had decided against buying anything.
"Only a sign saying 'stop me, I'm a thief!' would have made the thief look more unprofessional," police said in a statement.
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
Tai cheese, anyone?
A dairy farmer who believes a happy cow is a productive cow has discovered an unusual way to relax his herd and increase milk yields – tai chi.
Cool cattle: Rob Taverner performs tai chi in front of his cows every morning because he believes it relaxes them and they produce more milk
Rob Taverner performs the ancient martial art in front of his 100 cows every morning to get them in the right moo-d to produce lots of milk. The 44-year-old organic farmer visits the animals at 9am each day to run through his ten-minute routine of slow movements and breathing techniques – dressed in his distinctive overalls and wellies.
He said: 'Tai chi is all about leaving your problems behind and getting into a better zone and my mood definitely transfers to the cows. Like all animals, they are very receptive to human emotions and can sense feelings such as relaxation, calmness and happiness. Some people think what I do is ridiculous but I have some very content cows and I would do anything to keep them that way. As any good dairy farmer will tell you, a happy cow is a productive cow.'
Lunch break: The cows enjoy a bite to eat during another relaxing tai chi session
Mr Taverner, who runs the farm near Exeter, Devon, with his 41-year-old wife, Helen, and their children Charlie, 16, William, 14 and 12-year-old Katie, said there were many similarities between tai chi and organic farming.
He added: 'Organic farming, just like tai chi, is all about maintaining a balance. Being an organic dairy farmer is hard work and I just want to make sure I am as relaxed and focused as possible. I enjoy it.'
Tai chi is a Chinese martial art involving a series of slow, controlled movements which can help developing strength, balance, posture and a feeling of calm.