Subject: Daily Dose - 080420 - pray for my hearing, BIZARRE NEWS, Can you read this, DDL, Rotten News

Bubba goes to  the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher  asks anyone with needs to come  forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to  pray about?"

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.  After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next  Wednesday."

(Thanks Jim...)

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Doctors' Notes

[These are actual notes taken from patient charts.]

"The patient complains of a dry cough that hurts when he coughs and also when he takes deep breaths for 4 days."

"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home."

"Patient had waffles for breakfast, and anorexia for lunch."

"The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet."

"Patient was alert and unresponsive."

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

"The patient has no past history of suicides."

"The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints."

"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

"The other foot has the missing toe."

***

Man tries to open account with $1M bill

CLEARWATER, S.C. - A Georgia man was arrested at a bank where he tried to open an account at a South Carolina bank with a counterfeit $1 million bill.

Alexander Smith of Augusta, Ga., faces charges that include disorderly conduct and forgery, The Aiken (S.C.) Standard reported.

The U.S. Treasury has never printed bills as large in denomination as $1 million. The highest denomination bill ever, the 1934 $100,000 Series E Gold Standard, was used only for government-to-government transactions and no bills larger than $100 have been printed for decades.

Smith allegedly presented his $1 million bill Monday to a Regions bank branch in Clearwater. When employees refused to accept it, he cursed at them.

Aiken County sheriff's deputies say that Smith also used a stolen check to buy cartons of cigarettes from a store near the bank on Sunday. He allegedly returned to the store Monday with another check but the manager refused to accept it.

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Student sues for honors

CHICAGO - A former student has sued Chicago's DePaul University to force the school to categorize him as an honor student -- despite his grades.

Michael Walters claimed that although some of his grades were too low to qualify for the school's honors program, he should be given the designation because the university's "grade forgiveness" program allowed him to bring his grade point average to slightly more than 3.5, the cutoff point for honors, the Arlington Heights (Ill.) Daily Herald reported Monday.

The suit claimed DePaul refused to give Walters the honors designation despite his qualifying GPA after some grades were given. James Koch, a lawyer for Walters, said DePaul never gave indication that Walters' GPA after forgiveness wouldn't include the same benefits as a normal GPA.

"If that's the case, then tell people that (up front)," Koch said.

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Student driver abandoned during test

READING, England - A student driver in England says she was abandoned during her driving test by an examiner who "just wandered off."

Faye Rivers, 17, said the examiner left after a problem with the handbrake on the car she was driving, the Daily Mail reported Monday. Apparently, Rivers was trying to start the engine on a hill but the handbrake failed so she kept her foot on the brake pedal and the examiner left to call for help.

"But he came back and said he couldn't get through. Then he said there was nothing else he could do and told me to phone my driving instructor to come and get me, before walking off," she said. "I didn't know what to do and for all I knew, the car was about to blow up. But he just wandered off. "I was so angry. It took 20 minutes for my instructor to find me. I was pressing the brake pedal so hard with my foot, it went numb."

Keith Riley, the teenager's instructor at Reading Driving Academy, said the ordeal gave Rivers experience she may need when she becomes a licensed driver.

"This could have happened when Faye was driving around on her own ... without me to come and get her," he said.

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Australian wins Swedish Santa competition

GALLIVARE, Sweden - Australian Santa Dave Downey emerged from the chimney as the No. 1 Santa in Gallivare, Sweden, at the international Santa Games.

Downey was awarded a gold medal and a hand-crafted Santa sculpture as the fifth annual Snoyran snow show ended Sunday, Sweden's The Local reported. It was the third try for Downey in the Santa Claus pentathlon, which consists of chimney climbing, reindeer racing, kick sled, porridge eating and Santa's Christmas Eve.

"Last year I fell off the reindeer and got porridge stuck in my beard," Downey told The Local.

Tournament organizer Elisabeth Landby said Downey had to pull out all the stops to defeat prospective Santas from "places like Poland, Estonia and a wild card from Gallivare."

"He really impressed during the chimney climbing, where he got good points for style. He was also very good with the children," she told The Local.

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Can you read this?

Don't even think about using spell check!!!!!!!!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

ONLY FORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS

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DDL

A Southern Alberta Rotarian

Was possessed of a long and a hairy 'un.

It was always erect

And is why, we suspect,

He was known as "Bone-on the Calgarian".

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Chivalry has changed from the days of Sir Walter Raleigh, but contrary to rumor, it hasn't died out altogether: A man will still lay his coat at the feet of a pretty girl; the difference is that nowadays it's intended to keep her back from getting dirty.

***

"Last night, Barack Obama won a Grammy for his audio book. He beat four nominees, including Bill Clinton's audio book. I've heard Bill's audio book — it's not that good. It's two hours of heavy breathing."

-Craig Ferguson

***

I remember one time being outside a topless bar watching a demonstration by feminists. They were marching around, holding signs, and chanting, "FREE WOMEN! FREE WOMEN!"

As I went into the bar I asked one lady, "Do you deliver?"

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Rotten News....  (true)

Mr. Rude is French and flatulent?

By Georgina Cooper

Thu Feb 14, 12:19 PM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - Zut alors! The popular British cartoon and television series "Mr. Men" has come up with a malodorous Mr. Rude who speaks with a bad French accent.

"Pardon me," says Mr. Rude in comedy Franglais as he breaks wind when his finger is pulled on a game played on the television show's website www.mrmen.com.

"Ohhh, don't seem so surpriiised," Mr Rude exclaims when loud noises and a noxious-looking gas erupt from his behind. "I'll geeve you rude," he tells children as he blows a raspberry in a promotion for the new series which runs on British television as of February 25.

The French embassy in London declined to comment to Reuters on whether the coarse Mr. Men character, the only one on the show with a foreign accent, would offend. But a source at the embassy told Britain's Daily Telegraph newspaper that this kind of humor won't go any distance toward easing a centuries-old rivalry between the two nations.

"It is obviously meant in a light-hearted way, but it won't improve Anglo-French relations," the source said.

A spokeswoman for Channel Five, which is airing the show, said the Mr. Rude character was just a bit of fun that is not meant to offend France or the more than 300,000 French citizens who live and work in Britain.

Chorion, which makes the show, said it is looking to sell the series to France, among other countries. But the company could not say whether the French version of Mr. Rude would have a British accent or not.

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Dial-a-marriage, eh!

Islamic law allows phone nuptials, which enables Muslims to sponsor loved ones to Canada

By TOM GODFREY -- Sun Media The Toronto Sun

Long-distance telephone marriages can be dialled up under sharia law and then used to sponsor loved ones into Canada, Muslim leaders say.

Two Muslim leaders have told the Toronto Sun telephone marriages are permissible under Islamic law and require two witnesses and imams here and abroad to conduct the vows, which may have the bride in Pakistan and the groom in Toronto. Once completed, a marriage certificate is obtained abroad legitimately in Muslim countries and can be used by the groom for sponsoring his new wife to Canada, one Mississauga imam said.

"These telephone marriages are taking place but are not widespread," said the former lawyer for the Ontario attorney-general's office. "The parties must know each other and have developed a relationship. Most of the times the couple have been introduced by family members," Ali said. "In many cases one person may not be able to leave the country."

Immigration spokesman Karen Shadd-Evelyn said her officials are aware of the telephone marriages.

"In spousal sponsorship applications, the validity of all marriages is evaluated," Shadd-Evelyn said. "It is incumbent on the applicant to prove the relationship was not entered into to benefit from immigration."

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Vanity plate sold for $14 million in UAE

Sat Feb 16, 10:51 PM ET

ABU DHABI, United Arab Emirates - A license plate with nothing but the number "1" on it went for a record $14 million at a charity auction Saturday.

Saeed Khouri, a member of a wealthy Abu Dhabi family, wouldn't say how many automobiles he owned or which of them might carry the record-breaking single-digit plate.

"I bought it because it's the best number," said Khouri, whose family made its fortune in real estate. "I bought it because I want to be the best in the world."

Ordinary automobile license plates issued to drivers here — and even most other vanity series plates — carry both Arabic and Western numerals and script, defining the issuing city and country.

Khouri's plate, however, has only the Western numeral and no letters.

The record sale surpassed the $6.8 million that was paid for an Emirati license plate at an earlier auction with the Western number 5 on it — also without Arabic numerals or letters.

Proceeds from the auctions, which are held in a lavish hotel here, go to a rehabilitation center for victims of traffic accidents. On Saturday, 90 license plates were auctioned off in all, raising a total of $24 million. The previous five such events raised more than $50 million.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Pictures: The wacky Pope souvenirs on sale in the US to mark his visit

Souvenir sellers are trying to cash in on Pope Benedict XVI's trip to the US with a series of wacky mementos. A G-string emblazoned with the words 'I love the Pope', 'Pope soap on a rope' and 'The Pope's Cologne' are among the bizarre gifts being sold to commemorate his visit.

You can also buy a Pope nutcracker, t-shirts, baseball caps, mugs, badges and lots lots more.

“Pope on a Rope” soap….

“I Love the Pope” G-String….

Pope Teddy Bear

Papal Cologne