Subject: Daily Dose - 080416 - pay increase, BIZARRE NEWS, professor of logic, DDL, Rotten News

The Maid wanted a pay increase.  Madam was very upset about this and asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: " Well Madam, there are 3 reasons why I want an increase. First, I iron better than you."

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria, "The Master said so."

Madam: "Oh"

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Madam: "Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?"

Maria: "The Master did."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Madam: ( very upset now ) "Did the Master say that as well?"

Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

(SHE GOT THE RAISE)

(Thanks Jim...)

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Turkey Facts

Ben Franklin, in a letter to his daughter, proposed the turkey as the official United States bird.

The heaviest turkey ever raised was 86 pounds, about the size of a large dog.

Wild turkeys can fly for short distances up to 55 miles per hour.

Tom turkeys have beards. This is black, hairlike feathers on their breast. Hens sometimes have beards, too.

Turkeys’ heads change colors when they become excited.

Turkeys can see movement almost a hundred yards away.

Gobbling turkeys can be heard a mile away on a quiet day.

Turkeys don't really have ears like ours, but they have very good hearing.

Turkeys can have heart attacks. The United States Air Force was doing test runs and breaking the sound barrier. Nearby turkeys dropped dead from heart attacks.

Wild turkeys spend the night in trees. They especially like oak trees.

In England, 200 years ago, turkeys were walked to market in herds. They wore booties to protect their feet.

Turkeys have a long, red, fleshy area called a snood that grows from the forehead over the bill.

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Overweight spouse can't emigrate

LONDON - A British man forced to shed pounds so he could emigrate to New Zealand is hoping his overweight wife can do the same in time for Christmas.

Richie Trezise was originally rejected by New Zealand because his body mass index of 42 meant he was morbidly obese, The Daily Telegraph reported Monday. Trezise, a submarine cable specialist, went on a crash diet and shed two inches from his waist, enough to meed immigration requirements.

"My doctor laughed at me," Trezise said. " He said he'd never seen anything more ridiculous in his whole life. He said not every overweight person is unhealthy or unfit."

Though New Zealand is critically short of skilled workers, a government spokeswoman says it cannot afford to import anyone who might be a significant drain on its health resources.

Trezise was recruited to supervise the Southern Cross Cable that links New Zealand with Australia and the west coast of the United States. He says if his wife, Rowan, fails to lose enough weight, he'll return to England and forget about emigrating.

Any BMI above 35 is considered obese. The report did not give the couple's weights.

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No. 13 unlucky ball in British lottery

LONDON - Officials of Britain's National Lottery say No. 13 has been the unluckiest ball since the game began in 1994.

The No. 13 ball has popped up 146 times -- eight times fewer than any other ball, Britain's Daily Mail reported Monday. No. 38 is the luckiest ball, having hit 217 times.

The numbers mean little, however since the odds against hitting the jackpot are always 13,983,816-to-1, the Mail reported.

Thirteen is considered bad luck in many cultures. The disciple Judas, who betrayed Jesus, was the 13th person at the table during the Last Supper, and the 13th card of the Major Arcana in a Tarot deck is Death.

Lottery officials, however, report some good news about the number: About 13 new millionaires have been created each month in the 13 years since the National Lottery began, and a syndicate of 13 taxi drivers from Littlehampton won a total of $1.4 million in drawings in 2002 and February of this year.

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Landlady accused of extortion

PANAMA CITY, Fla. - Police arrested a Panama City, Fla., landlady who allegedly threatened to release a sex tape if past-due rent payments were not promptly paid.

Jill Marita Munger, 31, was charged with extortion, police said.

Investigators said Munger allegedly told a tenant she had planted cameras in a condo she runs, and had videotaped the tenant having sex, the Northwest Florida Daily News reported Monday. The tenant, who was not identified, had moved out and Munger was trying to collect overdue payments, police said.

Investigators said Munger threatened to sell the video and publish the tenant's Social Security number if payment was not made, the newspaper reported. However, the victim went to police and Munger was arrested after an undercover sting.

Officers saw the landlady hand over a videotape in exchange for what she thought was the money she was owed, police said. The tape was found to be blank. police said.

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A dottering, old professor of logic asked his College class a question.

"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angeles is 2000 miles from Chicago, and the Moon is 239,000 miles from Earth, how old am I?"

A student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said, "Professor, you're 70."

The old professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said, "It's easy, I have a brother, he's 35, and he's half nuts."

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DDL

A conservative priest from Poughkeepsie

Made the error of becoming quite tipsy.

He was fired from his post

For defaming the Host,

While involved with three nuns and a gypsy.

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"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time. I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no idea it's bad for you."

-Jay Leno

***

"As kids, instead of building sandcastles, we'd make sand sculptures of naked women. It was tricky though, cause we didn't know what naked women looked like. I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. I was 24 before I saw a woman with her coat off. I thought a cardigan was an erogenous zone."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"Today was actually a very lucky day for me. I woke up this morning, and I got an unbelievable e-mail. Apparently, a Nigerian prince left me $47 million. And all I have to do to claim it, is pay a $500 filing fee. So you won't have me to kick around anymore."

-Jimmy Kimmel

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Rotten News....  (true)

March 6, 2008 

Brazilian boy surprises lawyers by passing law school entrance test

By Tales Azzoni, THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

SAO PAULO, Brazil - An eight-year-old boy with dreams of becoming a judge has passed a law school entrance exam, shocking Brazil's legal profession and prompting a federal investigation.

The Universidade Paulista, a multi-campus private university, issued a statement acknowledging that Joao Victor Portellinha de Oliveira had passed the entrance exam and that it initially enrolled him. But he was turned away from classes when he showed up on Thursday with his father.

The school said that the fifth grader has to graduate from high school before he can enter the university.

The university said one of its employees erred in accepting Oliveira's enrolment and said it would return his fees to the family. The Brazilian Bar Association said the boy's achievement should be a warning about the low standards of some of the country's law schools. Education Minister Fernando Haddad expressed concern and said he had ordered an investigation.

Oliveira is two grade levels ahead of normal for his age, but his mother says he's not a cloistered genius.

"My dream is to be a federal judge," the boy said, according to Globo TV's website. "So I decided to take the test to see how I would do ... It was easy. I studied a week before the test."

Brazil requires every student to take an entrance exam before being admitted to college. Each university administers its own test, and the exams from private institutions are usually considered to be easier than those of public universities, which are free and attract more candidates.

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March 6, 2008 

Minnesota bars thwart smoking ban by making everyone an actor

By Gregg Aamot, THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

MAPLEWOOD, Minn. - All the world's a stage at some of Minnesota's bars.

A new state ban on smoking in restaurants and other nightspots contains an exception for performers in theatrical productions. So some bars are getting around the ban by printing up playbills, encouraging customers to come in costume, and pronouncing them "actors."

The customers are playing right along, merrily puffing away and sometimes speaking in funny accents and doing a little improvisation, too.

The state Health Department is threatening to bring the curtain down on these sham productions. But for now, it's on with the show.

At The Rock, a hard-rock and heavy-metal bar in suburban St. Paul, the "actors" during "theatre night" do little more than sit around, drink, smoke and listen to the earsplitting music.

"They're playing themselves before Oct. 1. You know, before there was a smoking ban," owner Brian Bauman explained. Shaping the words in the air with his hands, like a producer envisioning the marquee, he said: "We call the production, 'Before the Ban!' "

About 30 bars in Minnesota have been exploiting the loophole by staging the faux theatre productions and pronouncing cigarettes props, according to an anti-smoking group.

"The law was enacted to protect Minnesotans from the serious health effects of secondhand smoke," Minnesota Health Commissioner Sanne Magnan said. "It is time for the curtain to fall on these theatrics."

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Uncle beheads 15-month-old nephew in Saudi supermarket: report

Mon Mar 3, 6:05 AM

RIYADH (AFP) - A man beheaded his 15-month-old nephew in front of his mother in a supermarket in Saudi Arabia apparently after a family dispute, newspapers reported Monday.

The 25-year-old Syrian national picked up a knife from the store in the Red Sea city of Jeddah on Sunday and decapitated the little boy in full view of shoppers, Arab News said. The man apparently killed him following a dispute with his sister and brother-in-law, the English-language daily said.

"He chopped off the boy's head in front of the mother to get back at her," a police officer was quoted as saying. The mother fainted and was taken to hospital.

Murder is punishable by death in ultra-conservative Muslim Saudi Arabia, where the death sentence is usually carried out by beheading.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Mustang Collector Starts ‘Mustang Church Of America’

Charles Ales, a minister a non-denominational Christian, loves classic Fords so much that he’s building the Mustang Church of America.

Charles, who is retired from 34 years of teaching math has built a 100-by-70-foot building to house his Mustangs, the Church and living quarters for himself. 

Charles and his adopted son Robert Brunch are ordained ministers and will be presiding over the Sunday services under a non-denominational category.  He has also come up with a logo to represent the Church that includes the traditional Christian fish symbol with a Mustang running horse in the middle.

“The Mustang museum will be open daily, and we’ll have car shows, swaps and two Mustang blessings a year,” Ales said. “Services will be on Sunday, and the church will be non-denominational. I’ll preach goodness and helping my fellow humankind. I’ll preach what we’re supposed to do - make this a better world than we found it.”