Subject: Daily Dose - 080413 - Delta
Air Lines Pilot, BIZARRE NEWS, don't leave me, DDL, News from the British
Tabloids, Rotten News
Entering heaven a priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?
"The guy replies, I'm Peter, retired Delta Air Lines Pilot from Atlanta."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot,"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood staff. How can this be?"
"Up here - - we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you preached - - people slept; when he flew - people prayed."
(Thanks George...)
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BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Stories From the News
* An Alaskan assemblyman authored legislation to punish "public flatulence, crepitation, gaseous emission, and miasmic effluence," with a $100 penalty.
* Firefighters in Thurston, Washington slept through a fire in their own station. A passing police officer noticed the blaze and called in the alarm.
* In 1986, firefighters used wire cutters and pliers to free a San Jose, California woman from a tight pair of designer jeans.
* In the 1988 Massachusetts Democratic primary, Herbert Connolly dashed from a late campaign appearance to the polling place to cast his ballot. He got there fifteen minutes late, and lost his seat on the Governor's council. The final tally: 14,716 to 14,715.
* The Internal Revenue Service fined George Wittmeier $159.78 for not paying all of his taxes. He was a penny short on his return.
***
Man hits the jackpot at local car wash
NEWCASTLE, Ind. - A man in New Castle, Ind., hit the jackpot at a local car wash when coin-changing machine spouted more than $250 worth of quarters at him. But, Eldon McCammack, 71, decided to turn his "winnings" over to the New Castle Police Department, the Muncie (Ind.) Star Press reported Monday.
McCammack told police he was attempting to use the coin changer at the Trojan Car Wash Saturday when it began to "dump quarters" -- around 1,042 of the 25-cent pieces -- into his hands.
The New Castle Police Department has notified the car wash's owner, the Star Press said.
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Teen breaks into bank, makes foul deposit
WYANDOTTE, Mich. - A suburban Detroit teenager allegedly broke into a bank, created several thousand dollars in damage and left a foul deposit on the floor.
The 16-year-old told police he was high and bored when he came up with the caper early Sunday, The Detroit Free Press reported Tuesday. The youth didn't take anything from the Monroe Bank & Trust, a police report filed in juvenile court said.
He did, however, smash an ATM outside the bank, smash through the glass back door and enter the facility where he climbed up to the second floor. There, he shed most of his clothing, sat on the balcony and defecated over the rail onto the first floor, the report said.
The youth, who has a pretrial hearing Dec. 6, reportedly told police he was bored and high on Xanax. Tests also showed marijuana in his system, the Free Press said.
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Ring found after 90 years on ocean bottom
LONDON - An engagement ring lost nearly 90 years ago in the sinking of a British ship is to be given to a museum commemorating the naval tragedy.
The HMS Opal sank off the Orkney Islands after running aground in a snowstorm Jan. 12, 1918. Stanley Cubiss, 25, was one of the 189 sailors who drowned in the disaster. Two months ago, amateur divers on a routine dive around the Opal found a gold band perfectly preserved and engraved "To Stanley from Flo, March 1916," Britain's Daily Mail reported Monday.
The divers found the ship's casualty list on the Internet and tracked down Stanley's 78-year-old nephew, Malcolm Cubiss, who lives near York.
"Florence gave it to my uncle in 1916 and they were married the following year," Cubiss told the Daily Mail, "but you would assume it had been lost for ever when the ship went down."
Cubiss plans to donate the ring and photos of the couple to a naval museum in the Orkneys which collects artifacts from the Opal.
"It is fitting that they are kept in a museum so people remember the events of that night," he said.
***
Consultant becomes waffleman
NEW YORK - A New York man has quit his job as a consultant for IBM to sell Belgian waffles from a mobile food truck.
Thomas DeGeest, 37, said he decided to chuck the corporate life in order to make waffles that taste like the kind he had as a child in his native Belgium, The New York Post reported Monday. DeGeest said he saw a niche in the market and decided to take advantage.
"All over the country I had been suffering through Waffle House and IHOP waffles," DeGeest told the Post.
He traded in his suit and a six-figure salary for an apron, a set of waffle irons and some wheels. Customers who approach his yellow "Wafels and Dinges" truck can choose between a traditional Brussels waffle or a chewier version that's flavored with vanilla or cinnamon, the newspaper said. Prices range from $4 to $7 depending on the toppings.
"A waffle makes people smile," DeGeest said. "I basically sell smiles."
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"Please don't leave me," he pleaded. "I can't live without you. You know I'm putty in your hands."
"Exactly," she replied.
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DDL
There were two brothers named Baird,
Who thought all things should be shared.
With tits, which are two,
Their arrangement would do,
But with c*nts, which is one, 'twas absurd.
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My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth on vacation. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is costing us $300 a day - and you sit there reading a book!"
***
"Archaeologists in Hungary say they've discovered a forest of trees that is 8 million years old. They say they haven't seen wood this old since the last time Larry King watched porn."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Hillary Clinton is having money problems. To keep her campaign alive, she had to spend $5 million of her family's money. Bill Clinton was very upset. Five million dollars is two months at the strip club. He said, 'Damn it, Hillary I want that money back...and I want it in singles.'"
-Craig Ferguson
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News from the British Tabloids
Pastor tells flock to have sex - every day
A Florida church leader is challenging married members of his congregation to have sex every day for a month.
The challenge for single parishioners is slightly different, though - to abstain from sex for 30 days, reports Sky News.
Paul Wirth, head pastor of the Relevant Church in Ybor City, said the marathon undertaking could help cut high divorce rates.
He said: "Couples across America are struggling in their relationships, both married and single people. For married people it seems like the sex is great up front but then for some reason life happens. But when you're single it's like you're always thinking about it and you're like, man I'd like to have it as much as possible. And sometimes that prevents them from having a great really healthy relationship later on when you do get married."
The Relevant Church describes itself as "a casual, contemporary Christian church" and says its services are designed "specifically for urban professionals and young families".
Mr Wirth's previous sermons have included using hit film Shrek The Third to explain "what happens when we trust God".
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Police blame ghosts for damage
Romanian cops have closed a vandalism investigation that left local houses in ruins by concluding ghosts were to blame.
Families living in Lilieci reported windows broken, bicycles flying through the air, objects moving on tables and candles blown out when there is no wind. When they complained they were being hounded by evil spirits to police they were laughed at.
But after officers saw the evidence with their own eyes they filed a report saying that ghosts were to blame.
Mircea Hadimbu, 68, who says his house has now been completely wrecked, said: "The windows started to break one by one. I saw two bicycles moving through the air on their own."
His sister Melentina Bocancea, 78, who lives nearby, added: "There were cups flying around the house and candles I lit were blown out as soon as I put a match to them even though there was not a breath of wind in the house."
A police spokesman said: "There were bottles and things flying around. I did not know what to dodge first. We can find nothing to suggest it was anything other than what the people claim."
A priest has been called in to perform exorcisms of houses in the town in the hope that the attacks will finally stop.
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Robbers pick wrong bar
Armed robbers picked the wrong target when they raided an Australian bar where a biker gang was holding a meeting.
Machete wielding masked bandits burst into the Regents Park Sporting Club in Sydney and ordered people at the bar to lie on the floor. But the robbers failed to notice 50 members of the Southern Cross Cruiser Club enjoying a drink in the next room, reports the Sydney Morning Herald.
"Fifty of us jumped out of our seats and raced out to the main bar," said club president Jerry 'Jester' van Cornewal.
Biker club founder Noel 'Bear' Mannix added the robbers appeared to be regretting the heist as soon as they saw the bikers.
"It was very hard to see the expression on their faces because of the balaclavas, but I imagine it was something along lines of 'Oh s***, what have we done here?' ," he said.
One of the robbers charged through a locked glass door, leapt off a 16ft balcony and ran through a bowling green to escape. The other ran through an exit behind the bar but members of the gang ran around the back and caught up with him.
"He came out the door wielding what I thought was a tyre lever, but was actually a samurai sword. I raced in and tackled him to the ground, footy-style, onto the concrete," Mr van Cornewal said.
They tied up the man and waited for police to arrive. Police soon also located the second robber nearby. A 20-year-old man and a 16-year-old were charged with attempted robbery.
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
Real life Garfield
A two-and-a-half stone cat has been hailed a real life Garfield in Italy.
Orazio looks like not only the cat that got the cream but who ate the whole cow too. Just like lasagne loving Garfield, this fat cat grew to such a gargantuan size by guzzling all the food treats that his native Italy can provide.
The three-year-old tabby is such a food fanatic that owner Laura Santarelli finds it impossible to get him to slim down. The flabby feline is now so large that it's a struggle for Laura just to pick him up.
And, should any of Laura's other five cats get in his way at dinner time at his home in Eupilio, the results can be catastrophic...