Subject: Daily Dose - 080409 - hell rooms, News from the British Tabloids, Great Quotes in Cubs History, DDL, Rotten News

Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms."

"I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks.

He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a captain's every whim. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's flight attendants' hell."

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News from the British Tabloids....

Firm warns of 'sharp loo paper'

Bosses at Jones Lang LaSalle's finance firm in Sheffield are warning staff of dangerous "sharp edges" on their loo paper.

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Italian police busted for mozzarella bribes

Italian investigators have busted a ring of cheese-loving cops who demanded mozzarella bribes from motorists.

Police officers in the Campagnia region, famous for its mozzarella, stopped cheese delivery vans and forced them to hand over cheese or face a hefty fine. The police are thought to have used the cheese for their own consumption.

The Italian Interior Ministry said four officers had been arrested and five more were under investigation.

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Journalists in Al Qaeda Airlines hoax

Two journalists walked into a Romanian airport wearing Al Qaeda Airline uniforms and put fake bombs on planes. An investigation has been launched after the pair entered Baneasa Airport in Bucharest dressed in hats and overalls marked "Al Qaeda Airlines".

Alexandru Cautis and Catalin Prisacaru, from the Academia Catavencu newspaper, drove into a supposedly secure staff car park unchallenged. They put fake bombs on passenger planes before going to a section of the airport which is used by the military.

They walked around a Hercules plane being prepared for take-off before leaving, again unchecked by anyone.

They said: "We heard from people who used this airport that the security is very lax and wanted to prove it. We could have had a bazooka in our car and as much dynamite as we wanted."

The transport ministry has now started an investigation.

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Group Selling Rhino Poop To Fund Conservation Efforts

YULEE, Fla. -- Stumped about what to give that special someone this Christmas? How about some rhino poop.

The International Rhino Foundation is auctioning separately on eBay four pieces of dung from the endangered species and will use the proceeds to fund conservation efforts. The pieces come from four of the five types of rhino: white, black, Indian and Sumatran. The Javan rhino is so rare, a sample could not be collected.

Each piece is dried, mounted in a clear trophy case and marked with the type of rhino that produced it.

The auction ends Sunday and as of Thursday afternoon bidding had been light, with the top bid for Sumatran rhino poop standing at $500. Black rhino poop was standing at $255, Indian was at $250 and white was at $122.50.

The foundation, which is based at the White Oak Conservation Center, says only about 17,500 rhinos remain in the wild with another 1,200 living in captivity.

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Polly-phonic

A Huddersfield man says he's had to change his ringtone five times - because his parrot keeps copying them.

Stuart McNae says Billy waits until he leaves the room, then mimics the sound of a call - and laughs when he dashes back to answer. Every time Stuart, 54, changes his ringtone the cheeky blue-fronted Amazon picks up the new one, reports The Sun.

He's gone through the Nokia theme, Lou Bega's Mambo Number 5, the BBC Match of the Day tune, Soul Limbo by Booker T and the MGs and Bob Marley's No Woman No Cry.

He said: "I now have the theme from A Fistful of Dollars. Won't be long before he's got that, too. He waits for me to leave the room before he does it. I'll rush downstairs to find it's Billy."

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Great Quotes in Cubs History

"Noise pollution can't be that much of a problem [at Wrigley]. There's nothing to cheer about."

-State Rep. John F. Dunn, arguing for the installation of lights at Wrigley Field

"If I managed the Cubs, I'd be an alcoholic."

--Whitey Herzog

"There's nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more hitting couldn't help."

--Bill Buckner

"You get tired of looking at garbage in your own backyard."

--Cubs manager Lee Elia in 1983 about why the Cubs got rid of so many players. Elia was fired later that same season.

"The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter."

--Radio deejay

"The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep my season tickets."

--Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman

"Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 4-0 in the 7th inning."

--Radio deejay

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DDL

He smiled at her curved little pinky

Then said, "Here's another small drinky."

But he was a gent -

The guy really meant:

"When you're drunk we'll do something kinky."

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"Happy Groundhog Day! Here in New York City, we don't have groundhogs. Here's what happens: Down at the Hello Deli, a rat pokes his head out of a club sandwich."

-David Letterman

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"If Sen. John McCain wins, he will be the oldest president to take office. But the good news? At age 71, he would be eligible for pre-boarding on Air Force One."

-Jay Leno

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"McDonald's is trying to compete with Starbuck's, so they're going to start serving lattes and cappuccinos. McDonald's say both drinks go great with their new vente hazelnut McRib."

-Conan O'Brien

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Rotten News....  (true)

Voters are told pen had 'invisible ink'

February 6, 2008

When it comes to election shenanigans, Chicago has been accused of just about everything. But invisible ink?

Twenty voters at a Far North Side precinct who found their ink pens not working were told by election judges not to worry. It's invisible ink, officials said. The scanner will count it.

But their votes weren't recorded after all.

"Part of me was thinking it does sound stupid enough to be true,'' said Amy Carlton, who had serious doubts but went ahead and voted anyway.

As it turns out, Carlton was one of 20 voters at the precinct who were given the wrong pen to use. They were also then told, apparently by a misinformed judge, that the pens have invisible ink, elections officials said.

As a result, the votes were not counted. But officials insisted there were no dirty tricks involved.

"This one defies logic,'' said Jim Allen, a spokesman for the Chicago Board of Elections. "You try to anticipate everything. But certain things just ... they go beyond any kind of planning you can perform.''

By late afternoon, five voters had been contacted and told to come back to the polling place to vote again. And elections staff had left messages at the homes of the rest, Allen said.

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January 18, 2008 

Founder of California anti-gun group pleads no contest to weapons charges

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

LOS ANGELES - A former Los Angeles gang member who founded an anti-violence group called No Guns has pleaded no contest to federal weapons charges.

Hector (Big Weasel) Marroquin, 51, and co-defendant Sylvia Arrellano, 25, entered pleas Thursday for three counts of manufacture, distribution and transport for sale of an unlawful assault weapon.

Arrellano also pleaded no contest to machine-gun conversion and possessing a silencer and acknowledged the crime was committed for the benefit of a criminal street gang. She was given until Tuesday to surrender for sentencing and would likely be sentenced to four years in prison, prosecutors said.

Marroquin founded No Guns in 1996, ostensibly to reduce gang and gun violence. The group received $1.5 million from the city as a subcontractor on anti-gang efforts but its contract was cancelled last year after authorities learned Marroquin had hired relatives, including his son, Hector (Little Weasel) Marroquin.

The son is an acknowledged 18th Street gang member who pleaded no contest in June 2007 to home-invasion robbery and was sentenced to nine years in state prison.

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Thai referee gets a beating by entire soccer team

Thu Feb 7, 11:51 PM ET

BANGKOK (Reuters) - A Thai soccer referee was beaten up by an entire team after sending off three of their players during a match to decide promotion to country's second division, local media reported on Friday.

Referee Prakong Sukguamala needed 50 stitches and also broke a finger after being attacked by the Kuiburi FC squad, furious at being shown three red cards during a 4-1 loss to Kasem Bundit on Thursday, the Thai-language Thai Rath newspaper said.

The angry players charged into Prakong's dressing room at the stadium in Ayutthaya, north of Bangkok, and started to kick and punch him. They dispersed after police fired gunshots into the air. The players then chased Prakong into the stadium's office, where the hapless official ran into a mirror, leaving him with cuts all over his body.

Prakong told Channel 3 television he was forced to lock himself in the room to escape his attackers.

In the same interview, Kuiburi's coach accused Prakong of biased refereeing but said he had urged his players to show restraint when tempers flared.

Prakong, covered in bruises, insisted he had refereed the game fairly and had been told by Thailand's soccer federation to press charges against the Kuiburi team.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Who's a f***ing pretty boy then?

Meet Barney, the parrot with a mouth so foul he'd make pirate captain Jack Sparrow blush.

Barney sharing his love of bad language

Bad boy Barney – who once told a vicar to f*** off – has taught a pair of impressionable pals at his animal sanctuary how to swear.

Staff had been careful to mind their p's and q's so parrots Sam and Charlie would not turn the air African blue.  But owner Geoff Grewcock said: 'It sounds like a builders' yard sometimes when we come in here, what with all the abuse flying about.

'They just sit there swearing at each other now, all kind of foul language – it's unbelievable. I am obviously going to have to be very careful about introducing other birds into the house now I know we have got a secret teacher.'

He said the terrible trio's favourite rude words were 'f*** off', 'boll*cks' and 't*ts'.

'We also have to turn the television up a lot of the time because we can't hear it over all the swearing', he added.

Macaw Barney's most shocking outburst was when he told a mayoress, vicar and two police officers to 'f*** off' and called them 'w*nkers' when they visited Warwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary in Nuneaton. He was put in solitary confinement as punishment but the seven-year-old has refused to clean up his act – despite being taken to a language specialist.

Mr Grewcock added: 'These birds can live until they are 70 so there are potentially another 60 years of this to contend with.'

Parrot expert Rob Harvey said birds usually talk to get the attention of their owners. He added: 'This case is so unusual because parrots are copying another parrot.'