Subject: Daily Dose - 080407 - Irish fishing, News from the British Tabloids, political issues, DDL, News from the British Tabloids, Rotten News

Paddy and Murphy are sitting in the pub one day having a quiet drink when a bloke walks in and slaps a 46lb trout on the bar.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" said Paddy. "Where'd you get that?"

"Well" said the man "I go to the part of the river by the bridge and get a friend to dangle me off the side. I can just reach the water and so when a fish comes near - I grab it!"

"Aaaaaaah" exclaimed Murphy, "We will try it tomorrow!"

So the next day Paddy and Murphy set off to the bridge by the river.

Murphy is dangling Paddy over the side and after about 10 minutes Paddy yells "QUICK! Pull me up!"

"Why, have you caught a fish?" asks Murphy.

Paddy replies "No, but there's a bloody train coming!!"

______________________________

News from the British Tabloids....

Falling builder makes an impression

A Croatian builder made a big impression when he fell from the third floor of a building and landed in a pool of freshly-poured concrete.

Milan Krajnic, 27, who was one of the managers at the project, was completely unharmed after he fell 35 feet into the liquid concrete. It happened on the construction site for a new building in Krapinske Toplice in northern Croatia.

He said: "I found out later that the only reason the concrete was still liquid was because it hadn't been mixed right by one of the workers I was employing. Normally I'd be furious - but in this case I'll let him off."

***

MEPs mix up their Birminghams

Tory MEPs put a picture of Birmingham, Alabama, on their website instead of the West Midlands city they represent. Visitors to the site were stunned to see skyscrapers towering over a southern US sprawl, reports the Daily Mirror.

Labour MP Tom Watson said: "These MEPs are obviously spending so long in Brussels they've forgotten what Britain's second city looks like. If they can spare the time to come back I would gladly give them a tour to remind them of the place. If they are lucky they may even get to meet a Tory voter."

The gaffe, on the website of Philip Bradbourn, Malcolm Harbour and Philip Bushell-Matthews, has now been changed.

Their spokeswoman said: "Mistakes happen. Our web designer got his Birminghams mixed up."

***

Twins Separated At Birth Marry

REPORTED: “A pair of twins who were adopted by separate families as babies got married without knowing they were brother and sister, a peer told the House of Lords.

A court annulled the British couple’s union after they discovered their true relationship, Lord Alton said. The peer - who was told of the case by a High Court judge involved - said the twins felt an “inevitable attraction”.

The former Liberal Democrat MP raised the couple’s case during a House of Lords debate on the Human Fertility and Embryology Bill in December.

“They were never told that they were twins,” he told the Lords. “They met later in life and felt an inevitable attraction, and the judge had to deal with the consequences of the marriage that they entered into and all the issues of their separation.

***

Chinese School Enforces Pig Rearing

A Chinese middle school has ordered children to feed pigs three times a day, angering parents who complained it was denying their children a proper education, state media said Monday amid worries over soaring pork prices.

“Besides raising pigs, the students must also grow vegetables as part of a compulsory class,” the Beijing News says.

This is surely the future. Look out for Jamie’s Pig School and Ramsay’s Classroom Nightmares on a telly near you soon…

***

Petrol-spitting man in largely predictable fire

Kaboom It's one of those unwritten rules of life: never mix smoking cigarettes with drinking petrol.

A German man in the northeastern town of Gross Godems was being treated for serious burns Monday after accidentally setting his apartment ablaze when he mixed up a bottle of petrol with alcohol, police said.

The 56-year-old apparently grabbed the wrong bottle and took a swig from the gasoline flask. Realising his mistake, he quickly spat the liquid out again. Unfortunately for him, the petrol hit a lit cigarette, sparking the fire, police said.

The man's name was not released.

______________________________

Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides.

Finally, one says to the other: "Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?"

The other agrees enthusiastically and they part.

Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, "That was a sporting offer you made."

"Not really," says the second. "This is the third time I've done this today."

______________________________

DDL

A There was a young bounder named Link,

Who possessed a very tart dink.

To sweeten it some

He steeped it in rum,

And he's driven the ladies to drink.

______________________________

"The Spice Girls say they want to play for Nelson Mandela's 90 birthday party. When he heard this he said, 'No thanks, I'd rather go back to prison.'"

-Conan O'Brien

***

"For three whole hours today, the whole world stood still. Starbucks in America closed for three hours — every single one! Starbucks says the training will 'transform the customer experience.' You know what they should do if they want to transform the customer experience? How about not charging five bucks for a cup of coffee?"

-Craig Ferguson

***

"It was a tough day for America. From 5:30 to 8:30 tonight, every Starbucks was closed. Fortunately, President Bush gave FEMA the go-ahead to tap into the nation’s mochaccino reserve."

-Jimmy Kimmel

______________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

Pro Golfer Charged With Killing Protected Bird With Golf Ball

POSTED: 12:58 pm EST March 6, 2008

ORLANDO, Fla. -- PGA tour golfer Tripp Isenhour has been charged in Orlando with intentionally killing a protected bird with a golf shot from about 75 yards away.

The incident happened in December at Grand Cypress Golf Club while Isenhour, 39, was filming a video segment for his television show "Shoot Like A Pro." Prosecutors said a red-shouldered hawk was making noise, forcing a video crew to film another take. 

Isenhour, who earned nearly $500,000 on the PGA tour in 2007, initially attempted to hit the bird from about 300 yards away, according to a Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission report obtained by Web site The Smoking Gun. Those attempts failed, but the hawk flew to a tree closer to Isenhour and again began chirping, prompting Isenhour to say, "I'll get him now," according to the report.

After about 10 shots, Isenhour struck the hawk, knocking it out of the tree and about 30 feet to the ground, the report stated. According to the report, Isenhour said "I didn't think I would hit it" after striking the hawk.

A witness said the bird fell to the ground, bleeding from both its nostrils. The species is protected as a migratory bird. The golfer, whose real name is John Henry Isenhour III, was charged with cruelty to animals and killing a migratory bird.

**********

Angry wife accused of burning 400 phones

Fri Mar 7, 10:35 PM ET

BEIJING - A spurned Chinese wife set fire to more than 400 cell phones owned by her and her husband after he walked out on their marriage, a news agency reported Friday. The official Xinhua News Agency said the 37-year-old woman, identified only by her surname Wang, was arrested for arson.

The couple had owned a successful retail phone business in Weifang, the eastern province of Shandong. However, their shaky relationship hit rock bottom when her husband left her on March 3, the news agency reported, citing the local Qilu Evening News.

Overcome with despair, the woman gathered up their entire stock of more than 400 new mobile phones, reportedly valued at more than 300,000 yuan ($42,000), and set them on fire, before walking out of the house, the report said.

Neighbors who saw smoke coming from the house called firefighters, who quickly extinguished the blaze.

**********

Bank Mistakenly Starts Foreclosure Process On Wrong House In Kissimmee

POSTED: 8:03 am EST March 7, 2008

KISSIMMEE, Fla. -- A Kissimmee homeowner was in England when he learned a Florida bank had mistakenly started foreclosure proceedings on his house.

As it turns out, Denroy Bell didn't even have a mortgage with the bank, Citi-Residential. The bank admitted that it's dealing with so many foreclosures in Central Florida that it made a mistake. Bell's neighbor called him when she saw the locks being changed and the pool empty.

"It was like the army came up and took over the house," Esther Goshop, a neighbor, said.

Bell lives primarily in London and rents out his home when he's not in Florida. He said the bank apologized for the inconvenience. Bell wants the company to pay to clean up the pool and change the locks back.

______________________________

Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Feel Peachy With Japan’s Placenta Drink

JAPAN’S Nihon Sofuken company has brought to market the last word in looking good and feeling terrific: placenta juice.

The placentas are taken from Japanese pigs. The afterbirth is screened to rid it of all traces of blood, hormones and bits off piglet.

The screening also removes the taste and smell. This means Nihon Sofuken can sell placeta in a Peach flavour.

What a real placenta tastes like only a happy few can say, but we are told that it is not all that unlike a condensed tofu steeped in a gravy of Pedigree Chum and used dental floss with a whiff of Rebecca Loos’ handcream…