Subject: Daily Dose - 080330 -
parachuting, BIZARRE NEWS, cup of tea, DDL, News from the British Tabloids
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
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BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Church Bulletin Messages
[The following are actual messages inserted in church bulletins.]
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped my pledge - now up yours."
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 P.M. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
A the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell"? Come early and listen to the choir practice.
Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Tuesday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.
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5 deer traipse into Md. swimming pool
WOODSTOCK, Md. - A Maryland couple watched in amazement as five deer wandered into their suburban Baltimore swimming pool.
Bob Olwine of Woodstock told The Baltimore Sun the deer were the first he and his wife, Judi, have seen since they moved into the house about two months ago. He said two deer came into the yard as he and his wife were closing the pool for the winter Sunday, and simply climbed down the steps. A few minutes later, three smaller deer followed.
Baltimore County police, somewhat puzzled by the emergency call, came equipped with a snatch pole. The pole is normally used to round up stray dogs, but police were able to get four of the deer out of the pool. The fifth climbed up on one of the other deer to escape.
"They probably just figured it was a small pond and they could swim across," said Brian Eyler, a biologist with the Maryland Department of Natural Resources. "I've heard of deer getting stuck in pools before, but don't know anyone who actually saw them walk in."
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Boston jail becomes posh hotel
BOSTON - Boston's famous Charles Street Jail, once home to the likes of Malcolm X and anarchists Sacco and Vanzetti, has been turned into a posh hotel. The jailhouse built in 1851 is now known as the Liberty Hotel and room prices range from $375 for a regular room to $5,500 a night for the presidential suite, The Chicago Tribune reported Friday.
Architect Gary Johnson designed the $150 million transformation that included construction of a 16-story tower where most of the hotel rooms are located.
"It's always been a residential use," quipped Johnson. "We're just charging more for it now."
When it was first constructed, the Charles Street jail was state of the art for the 19th century with a cool granite exterior and four wings branching off from a central rotunda. Each 8-by-10 foot cell held one prisoner and featured large windows to let in ample air and light.
Among the celebrated "guests" were a German U-boat captain who committed suicide in his cell and a group of suffragettes jailed for disrupting a speech by President Woodrow Wilson.
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Motel chain afflicted by nude sleepwalkers
LONDON - A high incidence of nude sleepwalkers prompted a budget motel chain in Britain to train staff on addressing the situation.
During the last 12 months, Travelodge reported more than 400 cases of nude sleepwalking, almost all involving men, the Times of London reported Thursday. The unaware guests usually wind up in at the front desk, hotel official said, asking for a newspaper or trying to check out.
The hotel group said it believed stress, alcohol abuse and lack of sleep were at the root for the phenomenon. Among the ways to handle the situation is a suggestion that towels be kept by the front desk to protect guests' modesty.
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One day a mother was out and the dad was in charge. The little one was maybe one and a half years old. Someone had given her a little tea set as a gift and it was one of her favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the toddler bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, here comes baby down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
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DDL
There was a young man of Bagdad,
Who was dreaming that he was a shad.
He dreamt he was spawning,
And then, the next morning,
He found that, by Allah, he had!
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"These two guys are now trying to clone human genes into cows, so that you'd get cows that would give human milk. Or maybe you'd get girls with four really big tits. I'm sure they think, 'Either way, big improvement.'"
-Cathryn Michon
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"But how about Christmas? It's exciting, isn't it? Isn't it? I was up shopping at Bloomingdale's today and I was in the elevator and they were playing – Kenny G was playing in the elevator and I gave him a nice tip."
--Dave Letterman
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"Over 250 people got sick after eating at an Indiana Olive Garden restaurant. People are afraid this will ruin Indiana's reputation for fine Italian food."
--Conan O'Brien
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News from the British Tabloids
Teen's party causes £10,000 damage
A police helicopter, 30 officers and a dog squad were needed to break up a teenager's party in Australia which caused £10,000 of damage.
Corey Delaney, 16, of Melbourne, could face a bill to pay for the havoc but insists it was still "the best party ever".
However, his parents, who were away on holiday at the time, are taking a different view, reports the Guardian.
Delaney was hoping the mess could be cleared up by the time they returned home from their break in Queensland but huge media coverage has ruled that out. But Delaney didn't seem too scared when a television interviewer asked him what advice he had for other teenagers planning a home alone party.
Sporting bleached blond hair, yellow outsized sunglasses and a bare chest, he replied: "Get me to do it for you. Best party ever, that's what everyone's saying."
The teenager is reported to have advertised his party on the internet and by text messages and blames gatecrashers for causing all the trouble. Police were called by worried neighbours. When officers arrived they were greeted with a barrage of bottles and rocks. The guests were eventually dispersed with the help of a police helicopter.
Victoria state's police commissioner, Christine Nixon, told a news conference: "He needs to learn a lesson, and one way or another we will be making sure that happens."
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January 11, 2008
Motion on Church of England draws number 666
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
LONDON (AP) — The beast of the Book of Revelation intruded into the banter of the House of Commons on Thursday when a motion calling for the disestablishment of the Church of England was numbered 666.
The last book of the Bible says 666 is the number of a beast that “had two horns like a lamb, and ... spake as a dragon,” and that “doeth great wonders, so that he maketh fire come down from heaven on the earth in the sight of men.”
“It is incredible that a motion like this should have, by chance, acquired this significant number,” said Bob Russell, a Liberal Democrat lawmaker. It looks as though God or the devil have been moving in mysterious ways,” he said.
The motion simply states: “That this House calls for the disestablishment of the Church of England” — in other words ending its status as the country’s legally established, official faith.
Such motions rarely result in any action, but are used by members to publicize issues. Other members may sign the motion as an indication of support. By Thursday afternoon, the number of the signers was three.
The Church of England, created by King Henry VIII’s breach with Rome, is the legally established faith in England. The monarch, by law, is obliged to be a member, and has the title of Supreme Governor of the church.
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Mouse foot in pickles 'normal'
A Slovenian woman who found a mouse foot in a jar of pickles was shocked to be told it was "completely normal".
Lenka Komparova contacted the Health Ministry as she prepared to sue the company producing the food. But, instead of supporting her claim for compensation, officials said she should see the mouse foot as a "special additive".
Ministry spokeswoman Vivijan Potocnik said: "It is completely normal in big factories to have mice wandering around, and yes, every now and then they get caught amongst the machines and do get bottled, seasoned, preserved and even make it in one piece to consumers. Although not very pleasant to see, however, they pose no health threat at all.
"During the preservation process even traces of any salmonella bacteria are eliminated in food. A mice-foot therefore could be classified as a special additive to the pickles."
Komparova said after she received the response: "I couldn't believe it. I don't know what they eat at the ministry - but finding dead animals in jars of food isn't normal."
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
Making Sweaters From Loved Ones And Dogs
WHEN Kara and Penny died, they left behind a little of themselves on the carpet of Beth and Brian Willis’s home.
Whooa! This is no tale of murder most foul. It is a tale of two dogs, albeit with human names. We are a nation of dog enthusiasts but not all dog deaths are investigated by the police. The world of vets has to produce a Harold Shipman. Not yet.
What Kate and Penny left behind was hair. And Beth and Brian set about combing it from their carpet. They spun it. And they turned the yarn into jumpers.
Says Brian: “They are extremely warm and pretty much waterproof. Unless it is banging it down it is fine. I’ve always got a sweat on by the time I get from the bus to the shops.”
Indeed, it cannot be easy keeping up with your jumper at 73-years-of-age, should the garment have retained elements of the creature’s personality. And then there is the tail chasing, sniffing and urinating.
A picture of Beth and Brian in the Sun shows her to be a woman with workable grey hair and Brian to possess a goatee beard.
There is every reason to believe that should one of them perish – be run over by car, say – the other can kept he love alive in the form of a hat or lined vest…