Subject: Daily Dose - 080327 - Veranda,
THIS is TRUE, mushrooms, DDL, News from the British Tabloids
Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax. In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis... When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again."
The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?"
Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."
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THIS is TRUE...
DO IT YOURSELF: A man who went through the self-checkout station at a Home Depot store in Seattle, Wash., accidentally punched the button on the computer for Spanish. The man then apparently became "frustrated that the machine was speaking Spanish" to him, the resulting police report said. The first item he was trying to buy: a pry bar. He used it to smash the computer, dropped the pry bar in his shopping cart, and walked out. The store said the man, who was not found by police, caused $10,000 in damage. (Seattle Post-Intelligencer)
...Good thing he wasn't buying a chainsaw.
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FREE PARKING: A security guard at the newly reopened Mustang Ranch brothel heard a child crying in the parking lot. He investigated and found a 2-year-old girl left alone in a car parked there. He brought her inside and called the sheriff. Deputies say the girl was probably left for two hours in the car in 95-degree heat. She was treated for dehydration at a local hospital. Once the father, Lucien Hoffman of Bend, Ore., finally emerged from the brothel, he was arrested on charges of child neglect. (Reno Gazette-Journal)
...How can a guy that stupid afford two hours in a brothel?
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TO PROTECT AND TO SERVE: "I was just walking along the pavement and heard the police car siren coming behind us," says Daniel Horne, 28. He was walking in Beddau, Wales, on the sidewalk, and the police car jumped up off the roadway and hit him. "The car hit my right leg and I fell over, with my foot being crushed under the front wheel of the patrol car." The apologetic officer took Horne to the hospital, stayed with him for three hours as his foot was put in a cast, and then gave him a ride home. But Horne's ordeal wasn't over: the officer cited him for "criminal damage" -- denting the police car -- which carried an 80 pound (US$160) fine. He has hired a lawyer to fight the fine -- and sue the police. A police spokesman says they have "received a complaint from Mr. Horne, and are looking into it." (London Daily Mail)
...And will charge a mere 80 pound "investigative fee" for that.
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SOMETHING FISHY'S GOING ON HERE: The state of Colorado, assisted by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, have been working since the 1970s to try to restore the Colorado State Fish, the greenback cutthroat trout, to rivers in the Rockies. The University of Colorado just did a study to see how they're doing. The result: DNA analysis shows that the fish being stocked in the rivers all that time isn't the greenback cutthroat trout, but rather the Colorado River cutthroat trout. (Denver Rocky Mountain News)
...In related news, the Colorado legislature has introduced a bill to name the Colorado River cutthroat trout the state's Official Fish.
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WHAT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF: "Detective Posed as Corpse to Catch Funeral Parlour Vandals"
-- London Daily Mail headline
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While hiking in the country, my friend Eve and I spotted a huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered a large basketful and sauteed them that night. My husband Phil refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous. Two weeks later, Eve and I gathered some more mushrooms. This time, Phil joined us.
"How is it that you're eating these mushrooms tonight," I asked, "when you wouldn't touch the ones we brought home two weeks ago? What changed your mind?"
"I thought about it," Phil explained seriously, "and I figured it would be better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women in my home."
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DDL
So long is my stretch limousine,
My chauffeur - I think his name's Gene -
Sits so far from me
But no stranger, he,
For on U TURNS his face I have seen.
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"The Wall Street Journal reports this week that the candy industry is so worried about falling candy sales they are now adding caffeine to their candy. Well, that's every parent's worst nightmare — a fat kid who’s up all night."
-Jay Leno
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"I want to get this off my chest: For the past 20 years, I have been using performance-enhancing vodka."
-David Letterman
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"Good news for Barack Obama. The founders of Ben & Jerry's ice cream are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary Clinton. Which makes sense, because 'BaRocky Road' is a much catchier name than 'Pantsuits & Cream.'"
-Conan O'Brien
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News from the British Tabloids
Venice to install speed cameras on canals
Venice is planning to introduce speed cameras on its canals to stop motor boats from churning up the water.
For years, the waves caused by motor boats have battered the city's foundations and eroded its channels. Now the city wants to install speed cameras similar to those found on motorways, reports the Daily Telegraph.
Michele Vianello, the deputy mayor, said: "We want to swap all registration plates on motor boats in the city with ones with a microchip inside,"
Last year Venice introduced a system called Argos, named after the 100-eyed dog of Greek myth, to monitor boats on the Grand Canal and curb congestion.
But, Mr Vianello said: "It is not possible to use Argos in the narrower canals, and this technology is more appropriate. Whatever offences occur can be checked in real time."
He said the monitors would be installed in every canal and could eventually also be used to limit traffic.
"Just the fact of knowing that you are under surveillance at all times should be an excellent deterrent," he said.
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Prisoner changes name to Obi-Wan Kenobi
Exclusive by Jeremy Armstrong 14/01/2008
A Star Wars-mad prisoner doing life for attempted murder has changed his name to Obi-Wan Kenobi.
The "highly dangerous" inmate, formerly Daniel House, 27, was jailed in 2001 for a savage knife attack on a young woman. He told doctors he dreamt of committing murder and has been judged a deadly threat to fellow prisoners and warders, who now have to call him Mr Kenobi or Obi-Wan.
An insider at the high-security jail in Wakefield, West Yorks, where "Obi-Wan" is prisoner EB6712, said: "We can't say, 'Stop that, Kenobi.' It's considered discourteous. But calling him Mr Kenobi takes a bit of getting used to."
An official confirmed the inmate changed his name by deed poll to the film character once played by Alec Guinness. The official added: "Our guidelines mean he would be called Mr or by his first name."
The inmate, who carried out his "appalling attack" in his home town Yeovil, Somerset, is thought to have Star Wars memorabilia in his cell and is unlikely ever to be released.
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Jumbo pets banned
The Government has banned Brits from keeping elephants in their back gardens.
It has rejected an online petition to Number 10 calling for pet shops to be allowed to sell elephants. Some 650 people signed the petition, said to have been started by 12-year-old Jack Smithies, reports The Sun.
The petition said: "We believe that every child in the UK would benefit from owning an elephant. It was my dream as a child to care for these magnificent creatures but at the age of twelve I find that nobody takes me seriously. Elephants are creatures that children could learn about better by owning their own and keeping them in easily and cheaply converted sheds."
The Government agreed that keeping a pet had many benefits but did not think elephants would make good pets.
Downing Street's response continued: "They are very large animals that are not used to being kept as pets, and have welfare needs that would be impossible to meet in pet shops or people's homes. Elephants can also be dangerous, and it would not be safe for people to be able to keep them in their back yard."
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
Is this the world's craziest runway?
Plane crazy ... landing in St Barts It's not every day you nearly get a haircut by a passing aeroplane - but on St Barts things are a little different. .
Although the clearance is supposed to be 20ft, scooter riders and a man sitting in a car instinctively duck as a plane flies overhead. Pilots need a special licence to land at the small landing strip on the island of Saint-Barthélemy, or St Barts, in the French West Indies.
Despite the apparent dangers, there have been only two fatal accidents at the airport over the years.
At 2,133ft, the runway is one of the shortest in the world -- equivalent in length to five football pitches.
Tourist websites are upbeat about arriving by plane, with one saying: 'The landing, especially on a windy day, is an adventure in itself.'
The island, with a population of just 8,400, has become a hideaway for the rich and famous. Visitors include the actor Harrison Ford and singer P Diddy.