Subject: Daily Dose - 080326 - Conceiving Problems, News from the British Tabloids, Co-Passenger, DDL, Rotten News

Conceiving Problems

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.

But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

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News from the British Tabloids....

Woman frozen to rail track

A Russian woman was frozen to a railway track after she slipped and fell in temperatures of minus 30 Celsius and grabbed the metal track with her bare hands.

Irina Ivanova, 62, slipped as she walked across railway tracks in Tyumen in western Siberia. But when she tried to get up she found her bare hand had stuck to the track in the cold. She was found an hour later by a passer by who called rescue services. Workers who could not free her hand from the metal track had to use welding torches to cut the metal - and she was taken to hospital where doctors managed to release her.

She was treated for hypothermia and frost bite - and doctors are still waiting to see if she will lose the use of her hand or not.

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Teens buried speed camera

Two Austrian teenagers have been fined £75,000 for hacking down and burying a roadside speed camera.

Peter Hochstacher and Thomas Moebel, both 19, were snapped by the camera speeding in the town of Lustenau in Austria. They used a pair of axes and a saw they had with them in their car to chop it down and then buried it in a nearby field.

But the box was found by a local farmer as he ploughed his land and police who examined it found pictures of the pair on the camera inside and they later confessed to tearing down the device.

A local court said the fine would cover the cost of replacing the machine.

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Army recruit kicked out over fake boobs

A female recruit is appealing after she was kicked out of army training in Germany for having breast implants.

Alessija Dorfmann, 23, who has a D cup after the operation, said: "I am devastated - it has always been my dream to be a soldier and have a great figure - and now my fake boobs have cost me my job. I could not stop crying when they told me. I wanted to work as an army medic and help save lives."

The brunette who earned the money for the boob job working as a carer in an OAP's home before joining the army has now appealed the ruling - and military chiefs have pledged to review the situation.

Army spokesman Harald Kammerbauer said: "The rule that was brought in because of the increased risk of an injury is under review. It was introduced more than a decade ago and it may be that it is no longer relevant in the modern army. In future we may be prepared to make exceptions."

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The Museum Of Laziness Bogota

A MUSEUM dedicated to laziness has opened in Colombia’s capital, Bogota.

Marcela Arrieta, the museum curator, told Associated Press news agency: “We always think about laziness as an enemy of work. So we wanted to explore that and make people think about the social issues implied in taking a nap, in being jobless or in feeling that maybe we are wasting time - so we want to ask ourselves about that.”

(Museum hours are roughly 9-3 - depending on whether or not the staff bothers to show up...)

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South Africa’s Dumbest Criminal

A MAN walks into a police station in Pretoria, South Africa. He says he has been held up at gunpoint by a gang who had stolen his mobile phone.

The detective dials the number of the stolen mobile. Ring. Ring. It is in the man’s pocket.

“The shock left him speechless for a few minutes,” says police spokesman Eugene Opperman. The man was arrested for “perjury”.

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Co-Passenger

Although I'm not usually a nervous passenger, I became very frightened on a small commuter plane. A storm raged with sheets of rain and gale-force winds. Our first takeoff attempt was aborted because of engine trouble. We taxied back to the hangar, changed planes and then sat on the runway awaiting takeoff clearance.

I remembered learning in psychology class that one method for decreasing stress and anxiety is to engage in conversations, so I turned to the man sitting next to me. "What do you do for a living?" I asked.

"I'm an undertaker," he replied.

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DDL

King Richard was called Lionheart,

But he fell for a sixpenny tart.

The girl herself said,

When he crawled in her bed,

That the best he could do was to fart.

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"I got a good tip from my stockbroker the other day. He said, 'For only 39 cents, I can super size those fries for you.'"

-Jay Leno

***

"There was a story on 60 Minutes last night that said the happiest people on earth are not Americans. The Danish are the happiest people! I'm not surprised — they make Legos in Denmark. Who doesn't like Logos?"

-Craig Ferguson

***

"The New York City subway system announced that it will hire 350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the number of workers cleaning the subway to 350."

-Conan O'Brien

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News from the British Tabloids

Rotten News....  (true)

Cannon explodes during salute, killing two

Thu Nov 29, 9:20 AM ET

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - A 200-year-old cannon wheeled out by Indian villagers to greet a visiting minister exploded after being overstuffed with gunpowder, killing two men, a newspaper reported Thursday.

Residents of Badoli village in western India's Rajasthan state had planned the gun salute Tuesday evening to welcome Kirodi Lal Meena, a state minister, the Times of India reported.

The minister left immediately after the accident, which also injured six other people.

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Lights turn red for stunned jaywalkers

By Jonathan Allen

Thu Dec 6, 3:38 AM ET

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Pedestrians don't cross the Indian capital's chaotic streets so much as dash across as if their life depends on it, which it very often does.

More than 900 pedestrians a year fail to make it to the other side, killed by the city's lawless drivers. So police decided on Wednesday it was time to start enforcing a 27-year-old rule against jaywalking.

The result was puzzlement and sometimes anger from people for whom dicing with traffic death is a fact of Indian urban life.

At six busy New Delhi intersections on Thursday, police officers grabbed jaywalkers by the arm, issued them tickets, and made them pay 20-rupee (25-pence) fines before explaining the idea of waiting patiently for the lights to change.

"We have to run, the lights don't turn green long enough for us to cross," said D.K. Bhargav, an angry, 57-year-old office worker, fearlessly confronting an officer with his complaint. And in other places there's no crossing at all."

"Speak to the government and say, 'Kindly build us a crossing,'" was the policeman's advice.

"Next time I'll be watchful," said Vasant Pant, a 20-year-old courier late making his deliveries. "I'll look to see if there's a traffic policeman before crossing."

Some offenders, like Sachin Chaudry, a young, late-running bank executive, quickly handed over their fine and their details without even interrupting their mobile phone calls.

Others were more evasive.

"I don't have the money," pleaded Ankita Khurana, a nervous-looking 18-year-old student.

"Then you'll have to go to jail," the policeman replied. She suddenly remembered she had change in her bag.

But another jaywalker -- a scrawny man in unwashed clothes -- seemed to be telling the truth.

"This is all I have," he pleaded, holding out five rupees.

The enraged policeman took this as an insult, waving a finger in his face before pushing him back the way he came.

"Next time don't cross without a green light," he snarled.

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Man arrested for using bank notes as business cards

Thu Dec 6, 4:24 AM ET

HARARE (Reuters) - A professional hunter has been arrested on suspicion he turned Zimbabwean bank notes into business cards and handed them out at a tourism fair.

Zimbabwe is struggling with the world's highest inflation rate of about 8,000 percent because of an economic crisis and it is hard to buy anything with its smaller denomination "bearer cheque" bank notes. Harare police said on Thursday they had arrested Denis Paul, a 41-year-old professional hunter and lodge owner from Bulawayo, Zimbabwe's second largest city, on charges of defacing bank notes. He faces a fine or up to a year in prison.

Paul was not immediately available for comment.

The state-controlled Herald newspaper quoted him as saying he stamped his business details on 100 10-cent bearer cheques for distribution at the World Tourism Market fair in London last month because he had left without his usual business cards.

The Zimbabwe Tourism Authority (ZTA) alleges he distributed more than 10,000 stamped notes, the Herald said.

"The ZTA alleges that Paul had discouraged foreign tour operators from coming to Zimbabwe while claiming that the country's currency was so useless that it was only fit to be used as business cards," it said.

President Robert Mugabe's government lopped off three zeroes from the local currency in July 2006 in its fight against inflation. Zimbabweans still find themselves having to carry huge wads of cash for basic transactions.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Major disappointment...

A Chinese 'army major' who dated a string of girls and cheated them out of £16,000 has allegedly been exposed as a con artist - and a woman.

Police say Li Xu, from Anxian town, Sichuan province, had been disguising herself as an army officer for two years.

She was arrested after Liu Lian, of Datong city, Shanxi province, reported she had been cheated out of £11,000 by an army major named Li Zhanyu who she had met on the internet. Li had described himself as a university-educated army major, reports Oriental Today.

Liu Lian said: "He said he wanted to date my daughter, but first needed money to break up with his current girlfriend. He also promised to find my daughter a good job."

But, after Liu wired the money, Li disappeared from her life. Police caught up with him at an internet cafe in Kaifeng city. He reportedly told arresting officers: "You'll regret this. You'll pay for this. I'll call the leaders of the National Public Security Department."

Police thought he was a conman at this stage but their suspicions grew during questioning as they noticed his high-pitched voice and fair complexion. A check-up by female police revealed Li to be a 25-year-old woman. She confessed she had cheated another two women with the same marriage con.

Li has been transferred to police in Shanxi province where she faces charges.