Subject: Daily Dose - 080325 - Budweiser method of rating, News from the British Tabloids, Cops, DDL, Rotten News

Three men are walking down the street. One is from California, one is from New York, and the last is from St. Louis.

A good looking woman walks by, the man from California states, "She's about an 8."

The man from New York states, "No, no, she's a 6."

The man from St. Louis says, "Hell no, she's a 1."

The two men look at the guy from St. Louis and turn to each other and say, "Well, I guess she was not that good looking."

All three continue walking down the strip. As chance happens another woman walks by. She is more beautiful than the first.

The man from California exclaims, "9"

The man from New York cries, "8.5"

The man from St. Louis says, "2"

The man from California and New York State, "I guess it takes all types."

Finally an extremely beautiful woman crosses their line of sight.

The man from California and New York simultaneously state, "10!"

The man from St.  Louis states loudly, "3.5"

The man from New York asks the man from St. Louis, "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you gay? She was beautiful!"

The man from St. Louis turns to him and says, "I'm using the Budweiser method of rating."

The man from California asks, "What's that?"

The man from St. Louis responds, "The Budweiser method is to see how many Clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."

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News from the British Tabloids....

Shark Eats Surfing Knagaroo

DANIEL Hurst is walking along a beach near Torquay, Victoria, with his girlfriend.

Says he in the Telegraph: “We were just walking along the beach as a kangaroo came out of the shrub on top of the sand dunes. It just headed down towards the water and in it went. I could still see its head, and that’s when the shark leapt out of the water on its side. It just got its body out and that was about it. But [it was] clearly a shark. The kangaroo disappeared after that. I stayed around for a while, just very interested, and hoping the shark jumped again, but it never eventuated.”

And Mick Boucher saw it, too. “It was bobbing up and down,” says Mr Boucher said. “It was about 200 yards from shore when the shark struck.”

On Sunday, a kangaroo carcass was found on a nearby beach…

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Wolf walks into a bar...

The wolf strolled into the bar at Villetta Barrea, near to the Abruzzo national park, and helped itself to a steak sandwich from a table.

Bar owner Giacinto Lorenzo, 43, said: "It sounds like the start of a bad joke, but it really happened. Everyone here knows what a wolf looks like and there was no mistaking this beast for a big dog. It was one of the wolves from the national park. It looked pretty thin and we guess it must have been suffering with the recent cold weather and the snow. Everyone was so frightened we couldn't move for about five minutes afterwards, but the wolf just sauntered out as if it was the most normal thing in the world."

Local authorities have sent a team out to search for the wolf.

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Goats fined in sex scandal

The owner of two randy goats was fined after her pets were caught mating and reliving themselves in their own yard.

The law in Oklahoma says that it is illegal for any two animals to have sex in public within Dibble city limits - even if the animal is fenced in on private land. But when the owner Carol Medenhall found out about the charges, she said: 'I kind of thought if anyone was caught having sex in public, it could have been me,? Carol Medenhall said.

The woman fought the tickets and won partially because she didn't know she lived within city limits. Her land was recently annexed by the city, located south of Oklahoma City, but she claims no one told her.

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Man Sentenced To Remain In Someone Else’s Home

SHANE Sims has been convicted of two assaults. He has now breached a probation order and fitted with an electronic tag.

He should not move from his home. But it’s not his home he’s in. It’s the Bristol residence of Glenda and Robert Cole. Sims told the court he lived at the address.

“It’s a disgrace,” says Mrs Cole. “They’ve let a criminal come into our home and there is nothing we can do about it. Who needs to break into a house when the courts will do it for you?”

So Sims does not live at the address. But he has to remain in situ on pain of law. Says Glenda: “He’s taken over the whole place. He sprawls across the sofa and he’s always in the bathroom.” Says Local MP Roger Berry: “It’s scandalous.”

The Probation Service is looking into the matter.

And meanwhile a compromise of sorts has been reached as Sims and the Coles share the sofa, each sitting upright and offering half smiles to the Mirror’s cameraman…

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Woman charged for wiping nose on policeman

A US woman has been charged with assaulting a police officer after wiping her nose on his shirt.

It happened after police in Dunbar, near Charleston, West Virginia, were called out to deal with a domestic dispute. Corporal S E Elliott arrived to find a man sitting near his front door while a woman tried to slap him, reports the Charleston Daily Mail.

He arrested the woman, Georgia Newman, 36, after reportedly seeing her bite the man on his elbow and spit in his face. But as he later walked her into a local police station, she allegedly leaned over and wiped her nose on the back of his shirt.

Ms Newman was charged with domestic battery and battery on a police officer. Battery on a police officer is defined as intentionally making any physical contact of an insulting or provoking nature against an officer.

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(Warning - culturally insensitive joke ahead....)

How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, Australian Police Officer, and an American Police Officer?

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS

Answer: (Immediate thought processes)

Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?

Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?

Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?

Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?

Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?

Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?

Is the alleged "client" a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?

Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?

Is he a member of a gang that is just "misunderstood" by society?

Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?

Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?

Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?

Is he a member of the Muslim community or other visible minority group?

Warn and Charter him as he approaches.

AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS

Answer: BANG!

AMERICAN OFFICERS

Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

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DDL

Two middle-aged ladies from Fordham

Went out for a walk and it bored 'em;

As they made their way back,

A sex maniac

Leapt out from some trees - and ignored 'em.

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"An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford university and living in their dorms, even though she was not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight months. Hey, that's nothing. I pretended to be a student for four years!"

-Jay Leno

***

"President Bush will not concede that global warming may have something to do with this crazy weather though he has been conducting all official business wearing floaties."

--Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Yesterday President Bush spoke about his immigration bill. And he said, this is a quote, 'The political process is two steps forward, one step back.' Then Bush said, 'It's just like the Hokey Pokey.'"

-Conan O'Brien

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Rotten News....  (true)

Briton jailed for four years in Dubai after customs find cannabis weighing less than a grain of sugar under his shoe

By BETH HALE

A father-of-three who was found with a microscopic speck of cannabis stuck to the bottom of one of his shoes has been sentenced to four years in a Dubai prison.

Keith Brown, a council youth development officer, was travelling through the United Arab Emirates on his way back to England when he was stopped as he walked through Dubai's main airport. A search by customs officials uncovered a speck of cannabis weighing just 0.003g - so small it would be invisible to the naked eye and weighing less than a grain of sugar - on the tread of one of his shoes.

Dubai International Airport is a major hub for the Middle East and thousands of Britons pass through it every year to holiday in the glamorous beach and shopping haven. But many of those tourists and business travellers are likely to be unaware of the strict zero-tolerance drugs policy in the UAE. One man has even been jailed for possession of three poppy seeds left over from a bread roll he ate at Heathrow Airport. Painkiller codeine is also banned.

If suspicious of a traveller, customs officials can use high-tech equipment to uncover even the slightest trace of drugs.

Mr Brown was detained and arrested in September last year and has been held in a cell with three other men in the city prison ever since. This week the youth worker, who has two young children and a partner at home in Smethwick, West Midlands, was sentenced to four years in prison.

Last night campaign group Fair Trials International advised visitors to Dubai and Abu Dhabi to "take extreme caution".

Chief Executive Catherine Wolthuizen said: "We have seen a steep increase in such cases over the last 18 months. Customs authorities are using highly sensitive new equipment to conduct extremely thorough searches on travellers and if they find any amount - no matter how minute - it will be enough to attract a mandatory four-year prison sentence."

Last week Cat Le-Huy, a London-based German national, was arrested on arrival at the airport.

Mr Le-Huy, 31, head of technology with Big Brother production company Endemol, was arrested on suspicion of possessing illegal drugs after customs officers found melatonin, a health supplement used for jet lag available over the counter both in Dubai and in the US.

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£40k barometer makes £57 on eBay 

A £40,000 barometer belonging to the Ministry of Defence (MoD) was sold on eBay for £57, a court has heard.

Denbigh magistrates heard the barometer was being taken to an airbase by courier, but employee Darren Thomas, who denied theft, found it in a bin. The case against Mr Thomas, 35, from Bodelwyddan, Denbighshire, was dropped after his former boss declined to give details of the firm's disposal policy.

The barometer was recovered after a Met Office worker spotted the sale.

Prosecutor Helena Jackson said the precision instrument was made in 1975 and had been recalibrated by Met Office staff in Exeter, Devon. It was to be returned to the MoD air traffic control base at Llanbedr, Gwynedd, but somehow ended up in a bin at Cooper Carriers in March 2007.

Mr Thomas took it from the bin and advertised it on the auction site, where the successful bidder - a man from Guernsey - paid just £57 for it.

But the sale had also been spotted by a Met office employee who asked the seller for the instrument's serial number. After checks, the barometer was found to belong to the Met Office, which is part of the MoD.

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Mexican city mulls paying police to lose weight

Thu Feb 7, 8:04 PM ET

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - The central Mexican city of Aguascalientes is considering paying a cash bonus to local police who slim down, amid the increasingly common sight of overweight officers in Mexico.

Aguascalientes city hall plans to decide next week on whether to pay 100 pesos (5 pounds) for every kilogram (2.2 pounds) that officers lose, a police spokesman said on Thursday.

"We do have some fat officers. We have been encouraging them for a while to lose weight, to be more agile, to do sport," he added.

Obesity is one of the biggest health problems in Mexico, where diabetes is the biggest killer and where sugary soft drinks and fatty hamburgers are increasingly becoming part of the national diet.

($1=10.78 pesos)

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Cheesus, The Cheetos Christ Supersnack

STEVE Cragg, Director of Recreation and Youth Ministries at Memorial Drive United Methodist Church, Houston, is eating a bag of Cheetos when he comes across a vision.

He thinks it looks like a… a vision!

“When I first saw it. Oh, it kind of looks like a dog or something with the two legs. Then I turned it on its side. I was fixing to eat it,” said Cragg. “And that is the image I saw. I don’t think the heavenly choir actually started singing, but in my mind they did.”

His students have named it Cheesus.

Says he: “Please know that I am not making light of Easter or religion. I do not think that God makes Cheetos that look like Jesus or creates images of Himself on screen doors. I do know that God reveals Himself to us in a zillion different ways. Seeing the image of Christ in a Cheeto means that I was able to imagine it. God’s creation is full of signs and things that can and do remind us of Him.”

Old Mr Anorak once found a stain on his pyjamas that looked like a young Cliff Richard…