Subject: Daily Dose - 080320 -
elaborate funeral, THIS is TRUE, Unsuccessful German Restaurants, DDL, News
from the British Tabloids
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
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THIS is TRUE...
CRITICAL THINKING: Five students at Oswego High School in Chicago, Ill., died in what investigators say was an alcohol-related crash. Several students said they wanted to discourage fellow students from drinking and driving during homecoming weekend, and wore shirts to school emblazoned "Class .08" the Friday before -- a double meaning of the class of 2008 and a reminder that .08 percent is the legal alcohol limit for drivers. School officials told the students to remove their shirts; all did but one. "I decided I wasn't going to back down," said Katie Kusnierz, 17, since their classmates' deaths "really impacted us." Kusnierz was thus suspended -- on the grounds that the shirt's message "could be" interpreted as promoting drinking. (Chicago Tribune)
...Of course, the school administrators "could be" idiots.
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UNCRITICAL THINKING: After a sheriff's deputy pulled over Reginald Cotton in Tampa, Fla., he got out and ran, an incident report says. Officers chased him down, and had to Taser him to subdue and arrest him. Investigators searched his car and found that when he ran, he left his two young children behind. They also found a bottle of crack cocaine hidden under the seat. Cotton was charged with two counts of child neglect, plus possession of cocaine with intent to sell, all felonies. They didn't bother charging him with what led to the traffic stop: the deputy simply wanted to warn him that the tinting on his windshield was excessive. (Tampa Tribune)
...So was his paranoia.
***
OPEN WIDE: A dentist in Woodland, Calif., appealed the suspension of his license to practice after 27 women complained that he touched or massaged their breasts during their treatments. Mark K. Anderson, 48, faces charges of battery and sexual battery in one case, and other cases are pending, prosecutors say. At least one of the women is suing him. An administrative law judge ruled that the license suspension will remain in effect as long as criminal charges are pending, despite Anderson's contention that "palpation" of pectoral muscles is an appropriate treatment for temporal mandibular joint disorder. (Davis Enterprise, Sacramento Bee)
...But only in women.
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CAMOUFLAGE CULTURE: Despite falling crime rates, the Japanese are becoming more fearful of crime, so the marketplace is responding. For instance, there's a new dress for women: if they're afraid they're being pursued, they can put themselves against a wall and pull a panel out of their dress that disguises them -- as a vending machine. Also available: a handbag that unfolds into a manhole cover: women can flip it open and toss it into the street. Thieves will supposedly think it's an iron disk and not pick it up and find the owner's wallet. For children, there's a backpack that unfolds into a fire hydrant so the child can hide inside. (New York Times)
...Which may work against school bullies, but not passing dogs.
***
THAT WON'T WORK EITHER: "Nerds to Auction Themselves to Women"
-- AP headline
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Unsuccessful German Restaurants
LuftWaffle House
BlintzKrieg
What-a-Braten
BurgerKraut
Dolph & Eva's Secret Garden
Mein Kaffe
Reich's Chris Steakhouse
Just-Stop-O
Burgermeister & Jerry's
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DDL
Two biologists, Hansen and Babbit,
Crossed a camel one time with a rabbit.
The offspring was jumpy,
And frightfully humpy,
And had a lascivious habit.
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In response to complaints from Reverand Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson that there is not enough Black and Hispanic people appearing on TV, FOX has decided that in the future 'America's Most Wanted' will be shown twice weekly.
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"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."
--Emo Philips
***
"Big Republican debate in California now. We're not used to that kind of big debate. The big debate here is usually, facelift or boob job?"
-Craig Ferguson
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News from the British Tabloids
MPs' guide to change lightbulbs
MPs have been issued with a 10-point guide on how to change broken light bulbs in the House of Commons.
Tory MP David Davies had asked "what guidance has been issued on procedures for cleaning up and disposing of environmentally-friendly light bulbs which have been broken".
The House of Commons Commission's reply was published in Hansard and came from Liberal Democrat MP Nick Harvey.
"The instructions are that the cleaning operative, using protective gloves and wearing a mask, should collect the main fragments of the light bulb and carefully place them in a sturdy box," Mr Harvey wrote. "All splinters should then be collected using stiff card or paper. The area should then be cleaned using a damp cloth. The splinters and the cloth should then be placed in the box. Once the area is clear and clean, the box should be sealed and labelled with details of the item. The box should then be taken to the waste removal area in the loading bay and passed to the waste disposal contractor in an appropriate manner."
The Taxpayers' Alliance said the guidelines were "ridiculous" and a waste of time.
But a spokesman for the House of Commons said every MP had a right to answer "house management issues" and that "Mr Harvey has a duty to respond".
However, the matter may yet eat up further Parliamentary resources as Mr Davies said he was not satisfied with the answer.
He said: "I heard there was mercury in these bulbs... The response was lengthy but it still didn't touch on the mercury. I may well go back to it another time."
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Bad night for the Grim Reaper
How's it hanging, Death? You might be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you'll dance with the reaper.
Unless, of course, he goes out and gets plastered, breaks into someone's house and soils himself. Then you might be okay...
A man dressed as Death was arrested after a drunken night out in Morecambe, Lancashire.
Christopher Kelly, 31, downed vodka and lager on a trip to the town in October. He got separated from a group of friends out celebrating a birthday. He wandered on to the beach and got stuck in the sand, losing his shoes, trousers and jacket. He then staggered across to the town hall and climbed through an open window, before rummaging through a number of rooms.
He took a camera and a mobile phone, which he tried to use to call his friends. It was at this point that he soiled himself. He threw his stained underwear into a black bin bag. Things went from bad to worse when he found a Grim Reaper costume and decided to wear it. He then left the town hall and eventually staggered to the police station.
As it was unmanned, he stood waiting for three hours, dressed as the Reaper, until officers arrived.
As the tale was told in Lancaster Magistrates' Court, one probation officer had to leave the room in a fit of laughter. Kelly was given a six-month conditional discharge after he admitted burglary, having entered the town hall as a trespasser.
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Sex group stripped of 'licence to shag'
The Swedish Association for Sexuality Education has been forced to get rid of its 'bonking badge'. It would appear the organisation, which promotes knowledge of the various acts of love, has been foiled by its arch-nemesis: the swimming club.
The Swedish Swimming Federation has successfully argued that the sex badge - called knullborgarmärket - is too similar to its own symbol for doing a few lengths (ahem) of the pool. The sex badge, dubbed the 'licence to shag', was awarded to about 35,000 people for their abilities in carnal activities.
Even the leader of the social democrats, Mona Sahlin, has a badge after taking the sex test in the summer, filling in written answers to questions about dildos and ejaculation. But the swimming federation was annoyed the badge was too similar to its own logo, and as a result the group stopped using it.
'They have a pin that you get when you swim 200 metres. Ours was too similar,' said Joakim Jakobsson from the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education.
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
The huge penises of Japan
Many Brits will have childhood memories of celebrating Harvest Festival, a boring event that mostly involved admiring vegetables. As is usually the case, they do this sort of thing much better in Japan.
The recently celebrated Hônen festival is a fertility festival (hônen meaning harvest), in which the centre of attention is less focused on prize cabbages, and more about gigantic wooden penises.
The largest and most renowned festival (with the most renowned wooden penises) taks place in the city of Komaki, in Aichi Prefecture in central Japan.
The festival involves carrying the aforementioned massive penis from one shrine to another, while in the surrounding festivities, revellers enjoy penis-shaped food and pray while rubbing stone testicles.
Penis souvenirs are also available.