Subject: Daily Dose - 080319 - Headphones, News from the British Tabloids, Slang From Down Under, DDL, Rotten News

Headphones

A blonde walks into a beauty salon to get a hair cut with headphones on. The hairdresser asks her to take them off for the haircut and she replies, "I can't, I'll die." The hairdresser proceeds to cut her hair and it looks awful.

Six weeks later the same blonde comes in for another haircut. The hairdresser pleads with her "Please take your headphones off - I can make your hair look beautiful. Once again the blonde replies "I can't, I'll die". So she receives another awful haircut.

Six weeks later the blonde show up at the salon and once again the hairdresser says "Please take your headphones off - I can make your hair beautiful if you would just take off the headphones. I can't, I'll die"

The hairstylist proceeds to cut her hair. While doing so the blonde falls asleep. The hairstylist quickly thinks to herself - I will remove the headphones and replace them before she wakes up, I'll make her hair beautiful. Seconds after doing this the blonde falls off the chair. The hairdresser checked her and she wasn't breathing.

Dying to know what was keeping her alive with the headphones on, she places them on her head. She hears............

"Breathe in, breathe out - breathe in, breath out."

______________________________

News from the British Tabloids....

Woman opens death-themed hotel

A Chinese woman has opened a mausoleum-themed inn to let people experience the feeling of death.

Jiao Meige set up the Mausoleum Inn in a house in Lishui town, Jiangsu province, reports the Jinling Evening Post. The building is shaped like a Chinese mausoleum, and the beds are in the shapes of coffins.

"I rented this piece of land to put a farm there, but because there are many old graves in the field, no one wants to work here," she said.

Jiao says the idea for the Mausoleum Inn came to her in a flash.

"Since there are so many graves, why don't I give people a chance to experience death?" she asked. "There are no services at night, and the guest can go nowhere, since outside is just a vast graveyard."

Jiao says no residents with heart problems will be accepted, and mental patients must be accompanied by healthy people.

***

Parrot in parking row

Officials in Greece are being challenged in court after they issued a parrot with a £320 parking ticket.

The local council in Patras say his perch is obstructing drivers because it partially blocks a metered parking space. But Coco the parrot's owner, Lambros Michalopoulos, says the bird will die if it has to move back inside.

Neither side is backing down so now the dispute is going to the courts, reports the BBC.

Patras's Deputy Mayor Spiros Demartinos is embarrassed that Coco's plight is attracting international attention.

"Is it bureaucratic to be concerned about the parrot's safety?" he asks. "The parrot's security is of paramount concern to the council."

The dispute is heading to the palace of justice where Mr Michalopoulos is hoping it will be laughed out of court.

***

Passion drives lovers over the edge

Police in Sarajevo have set up a permanent patrol on a hill after a spate of accidents in which young lovers have bounced their cars over the edge.

The hill is a popular place for young couples to park their cars and enjoy a little privacy - but it is not without its dangers. In some cases hand brakes have been knocked free, and in others cars have been bounced over the edge by enthusiastic lovers.

In the latest incident, Risto Bocic and Sonja Pasic, both 22, parked on the hill but the car bounced over the edge and hurled 30ft down the slope and into the Miljacka River.

The naked lovers were rescued by passers-by who saw the accident and pulled them free.

***

Cockroach compensation for picky prisoner

An Israeli judge has ordered the country's prison authority to pay an inmate over $1,000 in compensation after he complained of having to share a cell with cockroaches.

Mordechai Yehudai filed a lawsuit complaining of poor hygiene, a lack of fresh air, broken windows and inmates who smoke in a handful of cells, a spokeswoman for the Israel Prisons Service said. 'The Prisons Service mistreated the plaintiff in a number of ways, including ... broken windows, cockroaches as well as incarceration with smokers,' judge Irit Cohen wrote in her verdict, according to newspaper Yedioth Ahronoth.

The spokeswoman said the inmate's cell would be cleaned up. Yehudai has been held in three different prisons and has had complaints about conditions in all of them.

'Prisoners have the right to sue us whenever they see fit and we comply with the court's rulings,' she said.

***

Motorist filled car with petrol through window

Hungarian police are hunting an early morning driver who poured 150 litres of petrol through the back window of his car. He then staggered back into the driver's seat and drove off with petrol dripping on the floor at the petrol station at Nyiregyhaza.

Police suspect the confused motorist was either very tired or very drunk.

A police spokesman said: "When staff spotted what he was doing he was almost finished - and then he drove off before they could stop him. It is a surprise the fumes did not make him pass out - there is a real risk the petrol could start a fire."

______________________________

Slang From Down Under  

One in the departure lounge: The need to defecate imminently.

Picasso Arse: A woman, whose panties are too small for her, so she looks like she has four buttocks.

Salad Dodger: An overweight person.

Sperm Wail or Spuphemism: A verbal outburst made during the male orgasm.

Starfish Trooper or Arsetronaut: A homosexual.

Swamp Donkey: A deeply unattractive woman.

Tart Fuel or Bitch Piss: Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

Titanic: A woman who goes down first time out.

Todger Dodger: A lesbian.

Up on blocks: Menstruating or otherwise out of action, like a car in a garage. "I don't thin I'm in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks."

Vagina Decliner: A homosexual.

X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

Airplane Blonde: One who has bleached or dyed her hair blonde but still has a black box.

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.

Badly Packed Kebab: A term for the female genitalia.

Beaver Leaver: A homosexual.

Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at three in the morning.

Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Breaking The Seal: Your first piss in the pub, usually after two hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Bruce Lee: An erect nipple.

Budgie's Tongue, Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag: The female erection.

Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

Drink Link: A modern term, for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze cruise.

______________________________

DDL

There was a young girl of Bahari,

Who was chased on a night that was starry;

She was chased, so she raced,

Tore her gown in her haste,

And cried: 'I really must go - sew sari!'

______________________________

The four most important things for a plumber to learn:

1.Hot on the left, cold on the right.

2.Shit flows downhill.

3.Payday is Friday.

4.Don't chew your fingernails.

***

"New Jersey is trying to make it illegal to smoke in a car while children are in the car with you. Do you think that will do much good? Which is worse? The smoke in the car or the air in New Jersey?"

--Jay Leno

***

"According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly does not lead to doing much of anything."

--Conan O'Brien

______________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

Viagra pumps up Thai political race

Thu Nov 29, 7:01 PM ET

BANGKOK, Thailand - Vote-buying is an old practice in Thai politics, but one candidate for December's Thai election has reportedly come up with a new tactic — handing out Viagra instead of cash.

The allegation, made by a campaign worker against a rival party, comes as rules about handing out favors to voters have become stricter than ever, barring even the distribution of free T-shirts and soft drinks.

Sayan Nopcha, a campaigner for the People's Power Party in Pathum Thai province just north of Bangkok, said the drug used to treat sexual dysfunction in men was being distributed to elderly male voters at social functions. Viagra is supposed to be used only on a doctor's advice, but is generally available over the counter in Thailand.

"The politician is giving out Viagra to gain popularity and votes," said Sayan, a local government official whose older brother is the PPP candidate. "I think this is a very bad way of vote-buying."

He would not identify the candidate who allegedly handed out the pills.

Under a tough new law, both the supplier and recipient of vote-buying can face criminal charges. Candidates can be disqualified and their party disbanded, as was the case with the old law, while voters who accept money or gifts can now face from one to 10 years in prison.

**********

Neglect of parents a criminal offence

Fri Dec 7, 12:46 PM ET

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Indians who neglect their ageing parents face possible prison under a new law passed by worried politicians. The law, passed late on Thursday, reflects concerns that rapid modernization and a growth in nuclear families is undermining a centuries-old social fabric of extended families.

"At least now the elderly can have a roof to live under and food to eat in their old age," Gyan Prakash Pilania, a Hindu nationalist MP, was quoted as saying in local news reports.

Under the law, Indians can face up to a month in jail if found guilty of parental neglect. The law also allows authorities to order children or relatives to pay a monthly maintenance allowance to the aged.

**********

Man freed after 100 hours trapped in a lavatory

Mon Dec 10, 12:49 PM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - A retired Scottish school teacher was recovering on Monday after spending nearly four days trapped inside a men's toilet with no food or mobile phone.

David Leggat was locked inside the bathroom at a lawn bowling club near the Scottish city of Aberdeen after the door jammed and the handle on the outside fell off. The 55-year-old kept warm by dipping his feet in hot water but only managed to get about three hours' sleep a night in the freezing temperatures, the local Evening Express newspaper reported.

He was rescued when the cleaner at the club, which is little used in winter, turned up to collect her cleaning equipment. Leggat said a survival course he had once done had helped him endure his captivity. The cleaning lady said he looked shaken and grey when he emerged. Leggat was stoical.

"At least there was a toilet to use," he said. "The only thing I regret is not getting trapped behind the bar."

(Reporting by Luke Baker; Editing by Elizabeth Piper)

______________________________

Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Health warning against crucifixion

The Philippines government has issued an Easter public heath warning - on the dangers of crucifixion.

Thousands of worshippers in the Philippines will this week practice crucifixion and self flagellation to show their faith. The government is encouraging them to get a tetanus shot first and be sure to use a clean whip or nails, reports the Daily Telegraph.

"We are not trying to go against the Lenten tradition here because whipping has somewhat already become some form of atonement for sins for some of us," Health Secretary Francisco Duque the 3rd said. "Getting deep cut wounds during whippings or lashings is inevitable and being so exposed during the course of the penitence, with all the heat and dust blowing in the wind, welcomes all sorts of infections and bacteria like tetanus."

In San Fernando City 23 people, including two women, have signed up to re-enact the crucifixion at three improvised Golgothas. Four of them will use real nails. The festival is sponsored by Coca-cola and a company called Smart Telecommunications.

Penitents are encouraged to "bring enough drinking water for the whole course of the pilgrimage to avoid dehydration, rather than buy bottled drinking water from unfamiliar sources."

And tourists and spectators are warned: "It is also better to bring self-prepared foods such as sandwiches, not only to save money, but also to avoid getting diseases such as diarrhoea, hepatitis A, and typhoid after eating food bought from street vendors."