Subject: Daily Dose - 080317 - MOST
FAMOUS MAN, BIZARRE NEWS, DDL, News from the British Tabloids, Rotten News
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
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MOST FAMOUS MAN WHO EVER LIVED
One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."
As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, 'You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"
(Thanks Sonia...)
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BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Wills
Ms. Eleanor Ritchey, the unmarried granddaughter of the founder of Quaker State Oil, died in 1968 with an estate worth around $12 million. According to Scott Bieber in Trusts and Estates magazine: "Under her will, she left over 1,700 pairs of shoes and 1,200 boxes of stationery to the Salvation Army. The rest of the estate went to the dogs." Real dogs, he means - a pack of 150 strays that Ritchey had adopted as pets.
When American patriot Patrick Henry died, everything he owned was left to his wife - as long as she never married again. If she did, he forfeited the whole thing. "It would make me unhappy," he explained, "to feel I have worked all my life only to support another man's wife!" She remarried anyway.
Robert Louis Stevenson, author of Treasure Island, tried to leave his birthday. He willed it to a good friend who'd complained that since she was born on Christmas, she never got to have a real birthday celebration.
An attorney in France left $10,000 to "a local madhouse." The gentleman declared that "it was simply an act of restitution to his clients."
An Australian named Francis R. Lord left one shilling to his wife "for tram fare so she can go somewhere and drown herself." The inheritance was never claimed.
Sandra West, a wealthy 37-year-old Beverly Hills socialite, left most of her $3 million estate to her brother - provided he made sure she was buried "in my lace nightgown and my Ferrari, with the seat slanted comfortably." That's how she was buried. The Ferrari was surrounded with concrete so no one would be tempted to dig it up and drive away.
A woman in Cherokee County, North Carolina left her entire estate to God. The court instructed the county sheriff to find the beneficiary. A few days later, the sheriff returned and submitted his report: "After due and diligent search, God cannot be found in this county."
Edgar Bergen, famed ventriloquist, left $10,000 to the Actor's Fund of America - so they could take care of his dummy, Charlie McCarthy, and put him in a show once a year. They went along with it.
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Ringing package prompts concern
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - A bomb squad was called to a Florida home Monday after a woman became concerned that a package sent to her by her estranged husband might be a bomb.
Alana Fowler of Jacksonville said she picked the package up from the post office Friday and left the box in her garage, noting she wasn't expecting a package from her soon-to-be ex-husband, The Florida Times-Union reported Monday. Then Saturday, she heard a ringing sound from the box.
Fowler said she waited until Monday to call authorities. When the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office bomb squad opened the package, they found a cell phone inside.
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Flap emerges over Jesus flapjack
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. - A disabled Florida woman who makes a living selling items on the Internet auction site eBay says an outline of Jesus and Mary appeared to her on a pancake.
Dana O'Kane of Port St. Lucie, who has dystonia, a movement disorder similar to Parkinson's disease, said she was about to sprinkle some chocolate powder on a pancake when she noticed the divine image, the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported Monday. Her mother, however, thought what her daughter saw as a divine image looked more like a Bedouin and Santa Claus.
O'Kane's first attempt to sell the pancake online fell through despite bidding that reached $450. So O'Kane decided to try again, the Times reported.
When the second online auction ended Saturday, O'Kane accepted a $29 bid by Stephen Kosmach of Wood Dale, Ill. O'Kane says she's going to donate the money to the Dystonia Foundation.
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Tests tossed over typos
WASHINGTON - Errors in thousands of testing booklets released by the U.S. Department of Education have led to the invalidation of U.S. scores for an international exam.
Reading scores on the Program for International Student Assessment test, which was administered successfully in 56 other countries, have been scrapped after it was revealed that errors in the test weren't corrected before it was administered to 5,600 U.S. 15-year-olds last fall, The New York Times reported Tuesday.
"I'm really upset about this," said Mark Schneider, commissioner of the National Center for Education Statistics at the department. "It's a big embarrassment."
The contractor that printed the tests has reimbursed $500,000 to the government. Patrick Gibbons, a spokesman for contractor RTI International, said "great care" was taken to ensure the accuracy of the exams but quality-control procedures failed to catch the flaws in the test.
"The testing industry is stretched," Schneider said. "There are some systemic problems, but the problem with this test was simply a copy-editing problem. A good copy editor would have caught this in 10 seconds."
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An Irishman went to see the doctor with a hole in his earlobe and blisters all over his feet.
The doctor asked, "What happened, Paddy?"
Paddy replied, "I was opening a Christmas pudding, and on the packet it said: 'pierce ere and stand in boiling water'."
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Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the Spanish word "manana" (manyana). Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.
"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency."
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DDL
One day on the Emerald Isle,
A leprechaun found me nubile.
When he reached for my fanny,
Said I, very canny,
"Beat it, you old pedophile."
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What do you call two full beers occupying both hands of a person?
Irish handcuffs.
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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News from the British Tabloids
Rotten News.... (true)
NYC pub owner bans `Danny Boy' in March
By VERENA DOBNIK, Associated Press Writer
NEW YORK - It's depressing, it's not usually sung in Ireland for St. Patrick's Day, and its lyrics were written by an Englishman who never set foot on Irish soil.
Those are only some of the reasons why a Manhattan pub owner is banning the song "Danny Boy" for the entire month of March.
"It's overplayed, it's been ranked among the 25 most depressing songs of all time and it's more appropriate for a funeral than for a St. Patrick's Day celebration," said Shaun Clancy, who owns Foley's Pub and Restaurant, across the street from the Empire State Building.
The 38-year-old Clancy, who started bartending when he was 12 at his father's pub in County Cavan, Ireland, promised a free Guinness to patrons who sing any other traditional Irish song at the pub's pre-St. Patrick's Day karaoke party on Tuesday.
At least one patron at Foley's was glad to hear the song was banned from the pub for the rest of the month.
The song is "all right, but I get fed up with hearing it — it's like the elections," Martin Gaffney, 73, said in a thick Irish brogue.
Gaffney said Wednesday he looked forward to crooning his own Irish favorites, such as "Molly Malone" — whose own theme is hardly a barrel of laughs.
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Big appetite for Marmite-Guinness
Guinness-flavoured Marmite, launched in the run-up to St Patrick's Day, is proving an unlikely sensation.
Two-thirds of the 300,000 jars made have already been sold, reports the Daily Mail. And about 100 jars are up for auction on eBay for up to three times the official price of £2.49.
One seller boasts: "It will probably be worth a fortune in a few years. Get it from me while you can, numbers are very limited."
The new version is made from yeast left over after Guinness is brewed. It is non-alcholic but has a distinctive yet subtle Guinness flavour.
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Irish nursing home keeps spirits up with own pub
DUBLIN (Reuters) - A nursing home in Ireland has hit on a cheering way to keep up the spirits of its elderly patients -- by providing its own pub.
St Mary's Hospital in County Monaghan, near the Irish border with Northern Ireland, believes ready access to a good pint may help its patients -- average age 85 -- actually live longer.
"We would say the whole social aspect of life does extend the years -- it means the patients aren't bored to death," Rose Mooney, assistant director of nursing told Reuters.
The pub, which opens at 11 a.m. and closes at 9 p.m. and charges normal bar prices, had also led to an increase in the number of visitors, she said.
Having its own bar made the hospital, which has around 140 patients, unique in Ireland, she added.
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AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH:
May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
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