Subject: Daily Dose - 080313 - Quick, THIS is TRUE, favorite drink, DDL, News from the British Tabloids, Rotten News

Quick...

A bartender is polishing glasses in the middle of the afternoon when suddenly the door to his bar is flung open. He and his few customers at that hour watch as a man enters.

Sweat is pouring down his cheeks and forehead; he is breathing heavily, and he keeps looking back over his shoulder as if the devil were pursuing him. He staggers across the room, grabs onto the bar to keep himself from falling and gasps, "Quick! Gimme a triple!"

"A triple what?" asks the bartender.

"A triple anything! I don't know--whiskey!" the man croaks.

While the bartender is pouring the drink, the man pants for breath and shakes his head.  All the customers stare at him, and murmur; his shirt is dirty, his suit coat is torn and there are smudges of dirt on his face. The bartender slides a large glass in front of him and the disheveled man drains it in ten seconds flat.

"What happened to you, pal?" the bartender inquires as everyone looks on.

"I sure--needed that drink. I had--a terrible experience--just before I came--in here!" the man manages to say.

"And what experience was that?" asks the bartender.

"I went into a bar down the street and ordered a triple," the man says in a strained voice.  " I told the bartender I couldn't pay for my drink. So he threw me right out into the street!"

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THIS is TRUE...

GUNS AND ROSES: Officials in Denver, Colo., and its suburbs say they are astounded that there are so many federally licensed gun dealers in their cities. For instance many private homes are licensed dealerships, as well as car repair shops, a college bookstore, a doctor's office, a bank, and other unusual locations. Many "dealers" note that they simply get a license to be able to buy guns for themselves wholesale, and the Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms says that as long as applicants qualify for a license, they are required to grant one, even if it looks "unusual," an ATF spokesman said. "We've had mortuaries," he added. "What do you do at a mortuary with a gun?" (Denver Post)

...You make sure.

***

UNDRESS FOR SUCCESS: A police official in Madrid, Spain, decided a good way to cut down on prostitution in the city would be to charge hookers with indecent exposure when caught wearing revealing clothes in public. Nothing doing, said the city's chief public prosecutor, Mariano Fernando Bermejo. Scanty clothing is simply a prostitute's uniform, he said, and thus is not illegal. "The wearing of a uniform, or in this case almost the lack of one, [is] related to one's job," he ruled. (Reuters)

...Just wait until you see what they wear on "Casual Friday".

***

STICKY SITUATION: When police in Chesterton, Ind., responded to a call of a suspicious man in a gas station bathroom, they couldn't help but notice the odor of glue around him. They asked if he had been sniffing glue. Nope, he said, but then he tried to throw his cigarette away. It stuck to his fingers. Brett Kolarik, 34, was charged with public intoxication and glue sniffing. (The Times of Northwest Indiana)

...Who needs handcuffs when you can just press his hands together?

***

THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING: Professor Roman Kunikov of the Ufa Aviation Technical University in Ufa, Russia, recently showed off his new gasoline-powered boots at a public demonstration. "A person can move with significant jumps or strides," Kunikov said -- at up to 25 mph. A price was not mentioned, but the boots weigh two pounds each, including the gas tank, foot-long piston, carburetor and spark plug. He promises improvements to the original design. "We aren't standing in one place," he said. (AP)

...Even if he wants to.

***

BAD BOY, BAD BOY, WHATCHA GONNA DO? Benjamin Davis, 23, is charged with running S&M parties. Actually, the charges are keeping a house of ill fame for lewdness, lending or selling articles for self abuse and, for good measure, assault on a police officer. Davis lives with his mother, who admits she was "stunned" to learn he "may be" involved in "the sadomasochistic scene." Davis had allegedly been holding parties every two weeks for six months, and when the Hudson, N.H., police raided a recent party they "discovered about 55 men and women in various stages of undress along with whips, chains and other paraphernalia." But, she said, he is her son: "I'm proud of him. But the other part of me wants to spank him." (Hudson Sun)

...That may be what got him started in the first place.

***

GUN CONTROL: A policeman in Cotessey, England, was injured during a demonstration of the safe handling of firearms. Superintendent Chris Burgess was hit in the leg by wadding in a defective blank cartridge that was fired at him. "It stings a lot and my leg is stiff but it could have been exceptionally nasty," Burgess said. "My thigh was probably the best place it could have hit, under the circumstances." Meanwhile, Kim Barnes, 39, a former Air Force fighter pilot, was on a "first date" with a woman and telling her about the dangers of handguns. The Englewood, Colo., man was showing her his 9mm pistol when the gun misfired, shooting him in the leg. "It was a horrible, terrible thing that happened," the woman said, but "I certainly hope I get a second date. He is a lovely man." (PA, AP)

...Dear, if he offers a "safe sex demo", run.

***

STEP RIGHT UP: Internet auctioneer eBay has canceled the sale of a purported piece of Egypt's Great Pyramid of Cheops. If the piece is real, it would be illegal to sell, an eBay spokesman says. Zahi Hawass, Antiquities Director of the Pyramids, insists it's indeed not real. "This man could have taken any piece of rock from the desert and claim it was a piece of the pyramid," he said. (Reuters)

...In other words, it's just yet another online pyramid scheme.

***

HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU: Charles Dellaria, 37, was arrested in Mashantucket, Conn., for allegedly stealing an ice chest. Not just any ice chest: this one belonged to the New England Eye & Tissue Transplant Bank and contained two human corneas meant for transplant. "I don't believe he's involved in any type of stolen human body part ring," said State Police Detective Jeff Megin, who interviewed Dellaria, noting the foam container looked like ones fishermen use. "He thought they were lobsters." (AP)

...Wrong kind of seefood, pal.

***

AHOY THERE: "Clueless," says one coastguardsman. "Irresponsible," says another. The British sea rescue crews were talking about Eric Abbott, 56, of Cheshire, England, after having to rescue him 12 times in the last year, the last two times in a single day. Abbott, who built his own boat, uses an outdated road map for his navigation, but that doesn't help much: at one point, he called for help on the radio and noted he could see Wales when actually he was off the coast of Northern Ireland. Why doesn't Abbott take lessons on sailing? He says he doesn't need a skipper's license because he is "too intelligent." (PA)

...Apparently Gilligan finally did get off that island.

***

SORE LOSER: "Young Encouraged to Worship Bodies, Not Brains --Head"

-- PA headline

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One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with her to visit a friend at work. Everyone there knew her, and she was offered a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees went to make more coffee, her son followed her and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.

Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow! You know how to make beer?"

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DDL

There was a young man of Australia

Who painted his ass like a dahlia.

The drawing was fine,

The color divine,

The scent--ah, that was a failure.

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"United Airlines has announced they are moving their headquarters from Chicago to another city. The good news is that they are leaving from O'Hare so their departure won't happen for another six years."

--Conan O'Brien

***

"New Years Eve in L.A. is a little lame. In New York you get to see the ball drop. In L.A. you get to see Britney Spears pass out on a bar stool."

--Jay Leno

***

"Dennis Kucinich, who ran in '04, announced he's running again in '08. Coincidentally, 04 is the number of votes he received."

--David Letterman

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News from the British Tabloids

Grass found growing on baby's lung

Chinese surgeons who operated on a baby girl with breathing problems were amazed to find grass growing on her lung.

The 10-month baby girl, from Zhoukou city, was initially diagnosed with pneumonia but the symptoms didn't improve after several days of treatment. At the 3rd affiliated Hospital of Zhengzhou University, the baby was diagnosed with pyopneumothorax, a rare complication of pneumonia, but again the symptoms remained despite treatment.

Finally, doctors decided to perform open-chest surgery.

"We were surprised to find a 3cm piece of grass growing on the baby's right lung," said chief surgeon Li Qun.

Doctors removed the grass, and the baby is now recovering. The parents say the grass is the same type as in their yard at home where the little girl often plays.

Doctors says it's possible grass seed was blown into the baby's nose and through her respiratory system to the lung and found suitable growing conditions there. But they've never seen such a thing before.

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Romanian witches go online

Romanian witches are going online in a bid to win more customers now the country is in the EU.

Witchcraft is a recognised profession in Romania where white witches offer spells, potions and readings of the future.

But witches say the EU has offered a much wider market, and they need to move with the times and embrace modern technology to reach even more people.

One of the country's most famous witches, Witch Rodica, has set up her own web and blog site - http://vrajitoare.blogspot.com - offering everything from a dream interpretation book to tarot card reading.

Rodica calls herself the "incontestable and undisputed leader of the Romanian witches" and claims she can cure impotence, epilepsy and alcoholism.

She said: "I still do spells and potions the traditional way, but the blog keeps me closer to potential clients and can be used to convince the sceptical that witchcraft is real."

The witches are also offering a new range of spells such as love potions for gay men and lucky charms guaranteed to win EU grant money.

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Boy, 9, steals back car from kidnappers

A nine-year-old boy escaped from kidnappers in China by driving away in the car they had stolen from his mother.

The boy and his mother had been stopped and held up by robbers as they were driving to their home in Haikou city.

"I was pulled out by them, and thrown onto the curb," the mother later told police.

Passers-by said they didn't help because they thought it was a domestic dispute, reports Nanhai Net.

"We realised she had been robbed when she called police, saying her son had been kidnapped and her car stolen," said a witness, named Wang.

But, unexpectedly, police received another report two hours later saying a small boy driving a car had hit an agricultural vehicle.

Yang, a witness to the second incident, said: "A small boy got out of the car with his hands shaking and said: "Some people stole my mom's car, and I drove it away when they weren't paying attention"."

The boy was later reunited with his parents who are refusing to comment while police investigate the kidnapping.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Bet you can't gamble in these...

This compulsive gambler has been forced by his wife to wear 255kg (40 stone) iron shoes to stop him playing poker.

Lai Yingying, of Xiamen City in China, used to gamble every night at a friend's house - until his other half had the shoes made to stop him walking there.

It's a good thing there's no way to play poker from the comfort of your own house, for example using a global network of computers connected via the telecommunications system….