Subject: Daily Dose - 080312 - in the
Bible, News from the British Tabloid, blind date, DDL, News from the British
Tabloids, Rotten News
An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room.
She is indignant.
The guy says, "Don't get excited. This is all in the Bible."
Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry.
The man explains, "It's in the Bible."
An hour later they're in the guy's hotel room and he suggests They undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn't sinful since it's in the Bible.
"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"
Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, "Thelma the waitress is a great lay."
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News from the British Tabloids....
Cheeky bird caged
A zoo caged a cheeky mynah bird for 15 days for being abusive to tourists.
Eight-year-old Mimi was put in solitary confinement at Yuelishan Park in Changsha city, after a visitor complained. She had to stay in a darkened cage and listen to recordings of polite conversation in a bid to improve her behaviour.
"I was playing with her, and suddenly she said: "You're a stupid man"," the tourist, Mr Du, told the Chongqing Evening News. She also called me an ugly man."
A park spokesman said: "When she swears, the feeder refuses to feed her. And while she's confined, we play her tapes of polite speech."
The park says the sentence has cured Mimi of her habit, and that she is now welcoming guests pleasantly.
"We hope tourists won't teach her to swear again," added the spokesman.
***
Global Warming: now it hits brothels
Brothel owners in Bulgaria are blaming global warming for staff shortages.
They claim their best girls are working in ski resorts because a lack of snow has forced tourists to seek other pleasures.
Petra Nestorova, who runs an escort agency in Sofia, said: 'We have hired students, but they are temps and nothing like our elite girls.'
***
Angler, 13, hooks scuba diver
A 13-year-old Dutch boy made a surprise catch when he went sea fishing - a scuba diver.
The diver had been swimming close to the shore near the southern Dutch town of Zierikzee when the hook got caught in his lip.
"I heard a sound on my head and immediately I felt a jerk on my lip," Wim van Huffelen told De Telegraaf.
The newspaper ran a picture of the diver with the hook still embedded in his lower lip. A doctor later managed to free him.
***
Pomegranates to the rescue
Pomegranate juice can give men a boost in the bedroom according to scientists. A daily glass can act like Viagra, new research shows.
Nearly half the men who drank it for a month in the American study said they found it easier to rise to the occasion, reports The Sun. It is thought the juice is rich in antioxidants which increase blood supply to the penis.
Just like drugs for impotence, the antioxidants raise levels of nitric oxide, which relaxes blood-vessel walls. Fifty-three volunteers aged 21 to 70 with mild to moderate problems drank 8fl oz with their evening meal.
Researcher Dr Christopher Forest, of the University of California in Los Angeles, said: "Pomegranate juice has great potential in the management of erectile dysfunction."
Pomegranates have already been hailed a superfruit capable of reducing the risk of heart disease and preventing prostate cancer. The fruit is believed to have more antioxidants than any other juice, tea or red wine.
***
Actors stab each other for real
The show went on after a Serb and a Croat stabbed each other for real during a theatre performance.
Dozens of people walked out and one woman fainted after the incident at a theatre in the Croatian port of Zadar.
The actors, seated under their national flags, put their hands on the table and stabbed the woodwork between their fingers with real kitchen knives. After five rounds the table was covered in blood, and one of the actors had part of a finger missing.
The actors, Croat Boris Kadin and Serb Kristian Al-Droubi, both needed to be hospitalised afterwards to have their wounds stitched, and Kadin had lost a part of one of his fingers.
The play, called Not Like Me, was being performed by the Via Negativa troupe. It focuses on the relations between Croats and Serbs in the troubled region.
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An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
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DDL (OK,.. so its not a Limerick today...)
Suzzy's Quarter
Suzzy, came strolling -
Into the house, one day ...
With a smile on her face -
That just wouldn't go away ...
Her mom, noticed Suzzy -
Was flippin' a quarter ...
Where did you get that, said Mom -
And it sounded, like an order ...
Well Mom, today -
Coming home, after School ...
I ran into Johnny -
Who was down by the pool ...
He told me, he had -
A quarter for me ...
He bet me, I couldn't -
Climb up, in a tree ...
Suzzy, Mom said with concern -
Next he'll want to raise those antes ...
That naughty, Little Johnny -
Was just lookin', at your panties ...
Sorry Mom, I didn't know -
The next time, he won't win ...
I'll never let him see -
My, panties, again ...
The next day, Suzzy came hone -
Just ah hoppin' and ah skippin' ...
This time, in each hand -
A quarter, she was flippin' ...
I tricked him, today Mom -
As a matter of fact, I tricked him twice ...
You may think Johnny's naughty -
But to me, he is always nice ...
I remembered what you said -
And that's why I'm in stiches ...
Before I climbed that tree -
I took off, my Britches !!!
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"This year, the Immigration and Naturalization Service has raised their fee to become a U.S. citizen. It now costs about $700. You know how much the Immigration and Naturalization Service expects to make this year from people becoming U.S. citizens? Over $1,400."
-Jay Leno
***
"President George Bush is in Israel right now. He showed up wearing a 10-gallon yarmulke."
-Dave Letterman
***
"Of course I'm going to talk about the primaries. On Monday, Hillary got all tearied up... she cried. People are saying that's why she did so well. And they're criticizing her for crying as well. If she doesn't cry, she's a robot. If she does cry, she's an emotional crying robot."
-Craig Ferguson
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News from the British Tabloids
Rotten News.... (true)
Phone company cuts off FBI wiretap for unpaid bill By Randall Mikkelsen
Thu Jan 10, 4:27 PM ET
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A telephone company cut off an FBI international wiretap after the agency failed to pay its bill on time, according to a U.S. government audit released on Thursday. The Justice Department's inspector general faulted the FBI for poor handling of money used in undercover investigations, which it said made the agency vulnerable to theft and mishandled invoices.
It cited the case in which a wiretap under the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, which governs electronic spying in terrorism and intelligence cases, was disrupted due to an overdue bill.
Inspector general spokeswoman Cynthia Schnedar said she could provide no additional details on the disrupted wiretap.
FBI spokesman Richard Kolko said "no investigations were adversely affected."
The FBI acknowledged "widespread agreement" that its 1980s era accounting system was inadequate and said it was working to improve it.
"The FBI will not tolerate financial mismanagement," it said.
**********
January 7, 2008
Taser to sell MP3/stun gun combo device
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. - Taser International Inc.'s newest weapons for the public will come in leopard print and fit in a holster embedded with an MP3 player, the stun gun maker said Monday.
Taser wants to make it easy for people to integrate its C2 "personal protector" stun guns into their lives, company spokesman Peter Holran said.
"If people buy the C2 Taser and leave it in a drawer or under a shelf, it does them no good when they need it," Holran said.
The Taser C2, which shoots two electrically charged darts with the same shocking power as the police version, was launched last year. It previously came in four colours - silver, black, blue and pink. The company said Monday that it would also make the guns available in leopard print, "fashion" pink, and "red-hot" red.
"Women want whatever they're carrying - from a lipstick case to their eyeglass case to their Taser - to look nice and be something they won't mind if it falls out of their purse," Holran said.
The Taser MPH (Music Player Holster) will hold 1 gigabyte of music, enough to allow wearers to listen to a variety of songs while carrying a stun gun on their hip.
Holran said the company didn't do any extensive marketing to see what their customers wanted. The new products are largely a result of the manufacturer responding to customer suggestions, he said.
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Blind Mechanic Diagnoses Car Problems By Smell, Touch
POSTED: 8:10 am EST January 7, 2008
DEERFIELD BEACH, Fla. -- A mechanic in Deerfield Beach can smell trouble in the cars that come into his shop.
After losing his eyesight three years ago, Daniel Moncada relies on his senses of smell and touch to figure out what's wrong with a car's engine. He also helps remove a vehicle's seats so his crew can rebuild the interior he has redesigned based on his sense of touch.
Moncada lost sight in both eyes from a rare and aggressive deterioration of his retinas. It cost him work in construction and Web design.
Family members help run the mechanic shop he owns now, King Motors of South Florida. His mother runs the sales department, his mother-in-law does upholstery for cars and his wife oversees engine and vehicle inspections.
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
Man hired stripper for dad's funeral
A Taiwanese man hired an erotic dancer to perform at his 103-year-old father's funeral.
The stripper danced in front of Cai Jinlai's coffin for more than ten minutes at the funeral in Taizhong town.
Son, Cai Ruigong, paid her more than £80 to dance in memory of his late father, reports United Daily News.
Cai Ruigong says he promised his father a stripper for his funeral if he lived beyond the age of 100.
Cai Jinlai passed away at the age of 103 after a three mile walk into town to vote. He was the oldest person in his village and had more than 100 descendants.
His son said his father was famous locally for his interest in strip clubs: "He would travel around the island with his friends to see these shows," he added.