Subject: Daily Dose - 080306 - as a bird, THIS is TRUE, lunch box, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

The teacher announces, "The topic of the day is describe your mother to me as a bird, and tell me why." She leaves the kiddies for a short while and then asks them their answers.

Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's pretty and elegant."

"Thank you, Kelly," says teacher, and she continues going around the class.

Bobby says, "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters."

"Thank you Bobby," says the teacher, and continues with the other students.

Finally there is no one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally asks him, "Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother?"

Little Johnny pipes up with, "A thrush!"

The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asks, "Why is that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because she's an irritating c*nt."

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THIS is TRUE...

GOT THE POINT: A police officer in Chandler, Ariz., noticed a motorcyclist weaving in and out of traffic and tried to pull it over, but the cyclist popped a wheelie and took off at such a high rate of speed -- over 100 mph -- that the officer decided it would be unsafe to chase him. A short time later, another officer saw the motorcyclist and tried to pull him over again. The cyclist ran again, but the second officer was in a better position to give chase. Ross Bidwell, 24, was taken to the hospital, and then charged with drunk driving, driving with a suspended license, failure to yield, reckless driving, and failure to appear in court on a previous DUI charge -- after he careened off of a pickup truck and slammed into a giant cactus beside the road. (Scottsdale East Valley Tribune)

...Figures: there just isn't a video camera around when you really, really need one.

***

OH? The downtown district of Miami, Fla., hopes to attract people to move into the area with an "edgy" new slogan: DWNTWN MIAMI. "Not having the O's makes it more creative," claims Oscar Rodriguez, a Downtown Development Authority board member. "It took some getting used to, but it's a smart logo," said Mauricio Giammattei of Cre8tiv Juice Brand Design. "You're not asking a 70-year-old to move to downtown. You're asking a 24-year-old to move to downtown." (Miami Herald)

...No 24-year-old will move downtown if there's no potential for "O"s.

***

CLOSE ENOUGH: The Tennessee Department of Human Services received a tip that a preschool in Jefferson City was not treating children correctly, so it conducted a surprise inspection. It found a 4-year-old boy had been put into a bathroom with a pacifier held in his mouth with packing tape. A caretaker admitted that they had taped children's mouths before, and it had been a "mutual decision" between her and the other on-duty caretaker. The center's license was immediately suspended. Before the suspension, the daycare facility had received the state's highest possible rating. (AP)

...That's the difference between scheduled inspections and surprise inspections.

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THE MOTION OF THE OCEAN: Caroline Corbett, 22, a crew member of a commercial sailboat off Key West, Fla., has been arrested and charged with lewd and lascivious battery on a child after having sex with a 15-year-old Boy Scout. The boy was one of 18 scouts on the boat for a weekend sleep-over. Corbett, 22, was the boat's first mate. (Miami Herald)

...What a coincidence: his too!

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"THEY'RE BIGGER THAN MINE!" WIFE SOBS: "Enlarged Breasts in Men Often Troubling"

-- Chicago Sun Times headline

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A bricklayer routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box.

"I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day. "Tonight I'll set my wife straight."

The next day the men could hardly wait until lunch time to hear what happened.

"You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!' We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point across."

He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut--and a hammer.

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DDL

Jack Horner, they say probed a pie,

With his thumb, for a plum, But "Oh My!

How the years will produce

A much better-placed use,

For his thumb," the young maidens all cry.

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"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look any better."

--Margot Black

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"I hate driving, and I hate when people honk at me. Unless I'm making a left turn. Then I like it because that's how I know it's time to turn."

--Rita Rudner

***

"The only comfort you can take from eating at a Denny's is that you know for sure that all over America, everyone else at a Denny's is just as unhappy as you are."

--Drew Carey

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News from the British Tabloids

Woman knocks husband out with potato

All couples have their arguments, but usually vegetables aren't used as weapons.

When things got heated between a husband and wife in Nicholson, Georgia, she reached for the first thing that came to hand - a spud.

When her partner called her by a rude word, she grabbed the potato and threw it at him. The spud hit him square in the nose, knocking him unconscious.

Police were called to the house on Thanksgiving morning. The 43-year-old woman told them that she and her husband started to argue in the kitchen at about 1am. The couple had been drinking.

The woman said she didn't mean to hit her husband and called police as soon as he fell unconscious. Her husband decided not to press charges.

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Confused police kill crime film actors

Two actors filming a crime movie have been shot dead by police who apparently took them for real-life robbers. Three other men were injured in the shoot-out on a film set in the Angolan capital Luanda.

The movie's director only just survived unscathed, but was left shocked by how police seemed to storm in and start firing.

Radical Ribeiro, of the Banda Mulundi production company, insists he had permission to film at the location, a gritty suburb of Luanda. He believes the police officers, who leapt from a speeding van, were members of an elite squad.

He said: "We saw the police pick-up speeding towards us. It looked empty but then suddenly it stopped and people appeared on the back. Without asking any questions, they started shooting at everybody at close range. I don't know how I escaped. I was just two metres away. They went on shooting until I shouted out: 'Please don't shoot - this is a movie.'"

He claims the officers then left the scene without tending to any of the victims, who were rushed to hospital.

Angolan officials have so far not commented.

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Parachuting cats into Borneo! A Cautionary Tale.

In the early 1950’s, the Dayak people of Borneo suffered a malarial outbreak.  The World Health Organisation (WHO) had a solution: to spray large amounts of DDT to kill the mosquitoes that carried the malaria.

The mosquitoes died; the malaria declined; so far so good.  But there were unexpected side effects. Amongst the first was that the roofs of the people’s houses began to fall down on their heads.

It seemed that the DDT had also killed a parasitic wasp which had previously controlled thatch-eating caterpillars.  Worse, the DDT-poisoned insects were eaten by geckoes, which were eaten by cats.  The cats started to die, the rats flourished, and the people were threatened by outbreaks of typhus and plague.

To cope with these problems, which it had itself created, the WHO was obliged to parachute 14,000 live cats into Borneo.

Operation Cat Drop, now almost forgotten at the WHO, is a graphic illustration of the interconnectedness of life, and of the fact that the root of problems often stems from their purported solutions.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Fastest limo faces Ferrari farrago flap

A man who made the world's fastest limousine is facing the wrath of an automotive giant – because Ferrari want him to stop calling his car a Ferrari.

Dan Cawley with his limousine, which definitely isn't a Ferrari

36-year-old Dan Cawley built the limo by chopping a Ferrari 360 Modena in half and sticking in an extra 3metres of car, hand-built from carbon fibre. But Ferrari are now demanding that he remove all the Ferrari badges and names from the car, and to stop referring to it as a Ferrari, on the grounds that it isn't a Ferrari any more. If he refuses, Cawley faces legal action for infringing Ferrari's trademark.

Furthermore, the car giant are demanding that Cawley never modify one of their cars again.

A disgruntled Cawley said: 'What kind of precedent does it set when you can't do what you like with your own property?'

The limousine set the new Guinness World Record for the fastest limo six months ago, reaching a speed of 166mph.