Subject: Daily Dose - 080305 - Golf, News from the British Tabloids, Personals, DDL, Rotten News

Golf!

Mary:  My last ex didn't play golf, but maybe he should have.

Jill:  Why's that?

Mary:  Then he'd have known something about the importance of strokes, putting it into the right hole, and FOREplay.

Jill:  Yeah, but he'd also have known something about threesomes and foursomes!

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News from the British Tabloids....

Army officer 'tried to smuggle tank'

A Bulgarian army officer has been arrested after he allegedly tried to smuggle a tank out of the country.

Major Alexei Petrov had reportedly stolen the WWll German Panzer IV tank from a military garrison in Elchovo, near the Turkish border. Although worthless to the army the ancient tank is worth a fortune to collectors.

He was caught by secret service agents who had been tracking him for months and who discovered he had already managed to ship another similar tank to the West.

He was arrested along with two German accomplices, who it is believed had brokered a deal worth tens of thousands of pounds with war memorabilia collectors.

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Officials lose plot over OAP

A pensioner has been banned from tending a village flower bed unless she displays 'men at work' signs, wears a fluorescent jacket and gets a look-out.

June Turnbell, 79, spent eight years perfecting the small parish council plot, paying for plants from her own pension. Her efforts helped Urchfont win Best Kept Village in Wiltshire.

But officials at Wiltshire County Council spotted her working and ruled it too risky because of a bend in the road, reports The Sun. Defiant June said: "This is health and safety gone mad. They can send me to jail if they like."

The parish council meets next month to consider defying the ban.

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Couple divorce after online 'affair'

A Bosnian couple are getting divorced after finding out they had been secretly chatting each other up online using fake names.

Sana Klaric, 27, and husband Adnan, 32, from Zenica, poured out their hearts to each other over their marriage troubles, and both felt they had found their real soul mate. The couple had met in an online chat forum while he was at work and she in an internet cafe, and started chatting on under the names Sweetie and Prince of Joy.

The pair eventually decided to meet up - but there was no happy ending when they realised what had happened. Now they are both filing for divorce - with each accusing the other of being unfaithful.

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Banned driver drives away from court where he just got banned

Six minutes after being banned from driving for drink-driving, glazier Terry Dixon was spotted behind the wheel of his car by the policeman who had previously arrested him.

Yesterday, Dixon, 20, of Fazackerley, Liverpool, appeared again at Llandudno magistrates to be fined £200 and get a further one-month ban to run concurrently with his previous 12- month disqualification.

Elen Parry, mitigating, said he thought he could drive the 60 miles home.

'It's an idiotic thing to think,' she said, accurately.

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'Policeman' stripper cleared of offensive weapon charge

A male police strippogram was cleared of possessing an offensive weapon today when a court decided his truncheon was a lawful prop.

Stuart Kennedy, 24, was charged after two policewomen watched his act in Aberdeen, Scotland. The two female officers allowed Kennedy to perform his strip routine in a city bar before taking down his particulars and arresting him.

He went on trial accused of possessing two batons and having a fake spray with him without lawful authority. He was also originally charged with impersonating a police officer, but this was later dropped.

Aberdeen Sheriff Court ruled he had a “reasonable excuse” for carrying the batons. The charge concerning the fake CS gas spray was thrown out because the prosecution failed to get the substance analysed.

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Festive thieves swipe 16 tonnes of meat

Thieves in Australia left a special message of festive cheer for a company after taking tonnes of meat off their hands.

The criminals stole 16 tonnes of ham and bacon from a warehouse in Sydney, but still found time to write 'Thanks... Merry Christmas' on a wall.

The meat, worth about £42,000, was taken from the Zammit Ham & Bacon Curers building. Thieves made a hole in a wall and passed the meat through it on to a refrigerated truck. Police inspector Rodney Ormes said: 'You're talking about a business that's been a victim of a serious crime, it's lost a significant amount of Christmas stock.'

A reward of £2,100 had been offered by the company to anyone who could help recover the ham in time for Christmas.

Owner Anthony Zammit said: 'We're working 24 hours a day, seven days a week and have put on extra staff. We won't let anyone down.'

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Personals

Looking for third-degree-burned beauties to satisfy my growing fetish for wrinkled skin. Have tried elderly women and bathtub babes, but now only skin grafts get me going.

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I've got issues; you've got the cure. I need lots of time on the couch; you need a sympathetic ear and board certification. Must not charge by the hour.

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Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing. If you're under 6 feet tall, averse to ropes, or wary of long expeditions, don't apply.

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Single female who enjoys interpretive dance, wearing black clothing, and drinking herbal tea seeks standoffish, analytical wimp to create Jell-O sculptures and ballroom dance in my living room.

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Thirty-five-year-old doctor who wants to finally meet a woman with true inner beauty. Outward appearance not a factor. Please send X-rays.

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You have brown hair and green eyes, with a mole on your left cheek. I watch you from behind the bushes with my binoculars. Don't bother to respond; I already know where you live.

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Former scientist in search of test subject for study on the line between pleasure and pain, ecstasy and excruciation. Those with high pain thresholds ineligible.

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Born-again female Pentecostal seeks male acolyte for meaningful relationship and serpent handling. Speaking in tongues a plus! God-fearing applicants only.

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Tall, dark and handsome. Wishes to meet short, fat and dumpy. Object; ridcule.

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DDL

An astronomer's swift limousine,

Went through a red light in Racine.

He was going so fast,

That the light which he passed,

Through the Doppler effect, showed as green.

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"Tuesday was Super Tuesday, so I guess that makes Wednesday anti-Climatic Wednesday."

-Jay Leno

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"Super Tuesday elections were yesterday. I like to go in the voting booth and take off my pants. I hold them outside the curtain and say, 'You got these in a 38?'"

-David Letterman

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"Contrary to what the news says, Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neil hasn't been traded to the Phoenix Suns. He's actually been traded to the sun. In exchange, the earth will receive two moons and a dwarf star to be named later."

-Jimmy Kimmel

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Rotten News....  (true)

Living donkey meat ad sparks controversy in Beijing

Sat Nov 3, 12:32 AM ET

BEIJING (Reuters) - A mangy donkey tied to a post all day in a Beijing street wearing an advertisement for a donkey meat shop run by his owner has sparked debate in the Chinese capital, a local newspaper said on Saturday.

The donkey is periodically moved around wearing its green and white coat advertising the store, but left on its own, given a few cobs of corn to eat, and surrounded by its own manure, the Beijing News said.

"It has caused controversy," the newspaper added. "Some people think that using the donkey is very interesting. Yet others worry it's not hygienic, and may affect the city's image."

The owner doesn't seem to care for all the fuss, the report said. "The aim is to attract customers. The effect has been great," it quoted the man, whose surname was given as Zhao, as saying.

Animal rights are still a strange concept to many Chinese, who enthusiastically consume donkey, horse, dog and even cat and think little of keeping those meant for the pot in terrible conditions.

Last year though, banner-wielding animal rights protesters swarmed into a restaurant serving cat meat in the southern Chinese city of Shenzhen and forced it to shut.

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Priests fear driving bans over altar wine

By Jonathan Saul Sat Nov 3, 2:03 PM ET

DUBLIN (Reuters) - Celebrating more than one mass a day may push Roman Catholic priests over the alcohol limit if tougher drink driving rules come into effect in Ireland, a leading clergyman said on Friday.

Altar wine is an essential part of the Eucharist, the ritual in which Catholics believe the priest turns bread and wine into the body and blood of Jesus Christ. A priest drinks a small amount of the wine during the mass.

Under proposed Irish legislation, the limit of 80 milligrams of alcohol per 100 millilitres of blood is expected to be tightened but no new level has yet been specified.

Because the ranks of the Catholic clergy are thinning out, priests -- especially in rural areas -- often drive to several churches on Sunday to say mass for congregations who have no resident clergy.

"You could be over the limit trying to travel between maybe two or three churches on a Sunday morning and coming back again," Father Brian D'Arcy told Reuters.

Father Iggy O'Donovan from Drogheda, north of Dublin, said members of the congregation could always help finish the wine if too much was left over.

"The day that the celebration of the Eucharist becomes a defence for drunk-driving -- I am afraid it beggars belief," he told RTE radio.

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Police: Oregon panhandlers raking in the green

Published: Feb 3, 2008 at 11:26 AM PST

By Associated Press

COOS BAY, Ore. - A police survey says panhandlers outside Wal-Mart in Coos Bay can make $300 a day. Inside, it takes a clerk a week to make that much.

Police say people who have a problem with that needn't look to the law - asking for money is considered protected free speech.

Coos Bay authorities say most panhandlers are not criminals. Coos Bay Police Captain Rodger Craddock says most have lived in the city a long time and they actually have homes. Craddock says, "This is just their chosen profession." He says most are docile, and that people should report those who are not.

Bob More, director of housing and emergency services at South Coast Community Action, says many panhandlers are there for the money - to feed their addictions. He suggested a voucher system involving tickets people could give that are good for a meal or bed in a shelter.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Flatulent cow puts wind up locals 

A mechanical cow that breaks wind on the hour has become Edinburgh's latest tourist attraction.

The bovine backside has been attached to the side of the Rowan Tree pub in the city's historic Old Town. It lifts its tail and shoots out a cloud of white smoke at passers-by throughout the day.

Pub landlord Norrie Rowan, a former Scotland international rugby star, said the cow was becoming as popular with tourists as nearby Greyfriars Bobby. It was installed on the side of the pub earlier this year, but the mechanics that allow it to break wind at 1100 GMT, noon and 1300 GMT are a new addition.

A dry ice machine ensures the flatulent beast is regular and helps locals keep track of time in a similar way to the city's famous One O'clock Gun.

Mr Rowan said the cow was a bit of fun that had already become a popular landmark in the Cowgate area of Edinburgh. He added: "The cow is already famous around Edinburgh and I get hundreds of tourists coming by and taking pictures of it."

(Thanks for the lead George…)