Subject: Daily Dose - 080302 - President at Beijing, BIZARRE NEWS, pholenfrometry, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

President at Beijing

President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"

Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear: "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Origins of Rock Band Names

The Bay City Rollers: Came up with their name by sticking a pin in a map of the world. It landed on Bay City, Michigan.

Buffalo Springfield: Members of the group were stumped for a name. A member of the band was looking out their manager's window at a construction site in Hollywood, when he spotted a steamroller with the brand name "Buffalo Springfield."

Iron Maiden: A medieval torture device.

Jethro Tull: Named after the 18th century British inventor of the seed drill.

Pink Floyd: An amalgam of two American blues artists, Pink Anderson and Floyd Council.

Steely Dan: Based on the name of a dildo in William Burrough's novel, The Naked Lunch.

Three Dog Night: It is a practice of Australian aborigines to sleep with three dogs on particularly cold nights.

UB40: Named after the British unemployment benefit form.

The Velvet Underground: Lou Reed lifted the name from a title of a cheap paperback novel.

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Oops! Man texts wife, not lover

MELBOURNE - Text to self: When having an affair, make sure to text your girlfriend, not your wife as one Australian Lothario recently did.

Serial lover Shane Warne swore to his wife -- with whom he was trying to reconcile -- that he would end his extramarital flings, but was caught red- thumbed when he mistakenly sent a cell-phone text message meant for his latest lady-friend to his wife, the Daily Mail reported Monday.

Simone Warne had agreed in December to take back Warne after he courted her for several months in hopes of reconciling following their divorce after 10 years of marriage. Sending the text message from his home in Britain, Warne wrote, "Hey beautiful, I'm just talking to my kids, the back door's open." When his wife's cell phone beeped at her home in Melbourne, she had the evidence that he'd been cheating on her again, the British newspaper reported.

Her reply was succinct: "You loser, you sent the message to the wrong person."

"I'm absolutely devastated," she says. "But it was the wake-up call I needed."

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Show goes on after TV emcee gets sick

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - While some may say television fare could be sickening, one Swedish TV host threw up on air because of biology.

Presenter Eva Nazemson was emceeing a late-night, phone-in game show when she was suddenly hit by an unexpected bout of nausea, The Local reported Monday. After asking a caller to solve a word puzzle, she turned her head to one side and vomited.

"It came as a bit of a shock," she said.

The caller cut short his answer as the hostess stepped away for a quick break. When she came back on camera to take his complete answer, he, unfortunately offered the wrong answer.

"OK, I just have to explain something here: I'm having period pains. Absolutely anything can happen during a live broadcast," she explained to viewers, then worked for another two hours before her shift ended.

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Dogs, handlers take a spin on dance floor

MILWAUKEE - Dogs can disco, waltz and keep a Latin beat as they shake their booty on the dance floor in an activity gaining popularity across the United States. And there are seminars to teach your pooch the proper dance moves.

"Dancers with Woofs K9 Freestyle Dance Camp," reportedly the first of its kind in the Milwaukee area, was a three-day seminar in which handlers and their dogs learned how to give Fred and Ginger paws on the dance floor, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported.

Dancing with Fido is no joke. Dogs, responding to verbal or hand commands, perform dance moves set to music. Enthusiasts in 1999 organized the World Canine Freestyle Organization, in which judges score freestyle dancing's creative and artistic endeavors similar to an Olympic competition.

Cheryle Homuth, 56, an emergency room nurse from Woodstock, Ill., said her 6-year-old border collie, Holly, loves Latin music and country music and is responsible for about 40 percent of the choreography.

"She'll throw in special moves she knows she'll get applause for," Homuth told the Journal Sentinel. "People don't realize the potential of their dog until they start doing freestyle."

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We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

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DDL

There was a young man of Eau Claire,

Enjoying his girl on the stair;

On the forty-fourth stroke,

The banister broke

And he finished her off in mid-air.

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"General Motors is producing a driver-less car. Here's my fear: I'll buy one of those driver-less cars, and I'll be home on a Saturday night, and the car will out driving without me!"

-David Letterman

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"This week, scientists have discovered a celestial body that is 18 billion times more massive than the sun. It was immediately hired to co-host The View."

-Craig Ferguson

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Never participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.

- Erma Bombeck

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News from the British Tabloids

Cops use chopper to buy doughnuts

It is one of the great cop clichés, like having the DA on your back and playing by your own rules to get the case solved.

But officers in Albuquerque have taken the act of chomping on doughnuts to a new action-packed level.

Must sugar-loving cops get their doughnuts by strolling into a shop or by taking the squad car. But when you really need to munch on some sprinkles, there is a time when only a helicopter will meet your transportation needs.

Witnesses say two cops used a police chopper to buy a box of doughnuts from Krispy Kremes. The helicopter costs taxpayers about £40 an hour, but that didn't stop the pair swooping in for a snack. They circled round their target several times before landing near the shop. Once officer jumped out, grabbed some doughnuts and then returned to the helicopter.

It then took off, sounding its siren as it went.

An employee at the doughnut shop said: 'I was angry, and I'm still a little angry. That's my tax dollars, your tax dollars. You've got no business flying in to get doughnuts.'

A police spokesman confirmed an investigation was underway.

'Between the two of them, I don't know how they decided that was a good idea,' he said. 'If they violated policy or procedure, they're going to get disciplined for it.'

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New starter 'blew up' boss's Porsche

A new starter parked next to her boss's Porsche, then watched in horror as her car exploded - and torched his too.

Sarah Dean was driving to her new admin job with a travel firm when she noticed smoke coming from her VW Polo. She carried on and parked next to managing director Craig Burkinshaw's £35,000 Porsche 911, reports The Sun.

But seconds later, flames began shooting out from the VW's bonnet, then ignited the fuel tank as the car went up in a huge fireball. The blaze was so intense it melted the side of the Porsche, warped the chassis and set fire to the tyres. Firefighters rushed to the scene and doused the blaze - but not before it wrote off another car parked the other side of Sarah's.

A pal at Audley Travel in Witney, Oxfordshire, said: "Sarah's new here and hadn't even met the boss yet - what a way to introduce yourself."

Employee Laura Morris added: "Everyone found it very funny, except Sarah of course. She could have been badly hurt. But the boss has been really good about it."

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Soldier 'sold bearskin hats on eBay'

A soldier is in trouble for allegedly selling the Queen's guards' famous bearskin hats on eBay.

The staff sergeant is also accused of trying to sell guardsmen's red tunics and weapon parts, reports The Sun. An investigation was launched after bearskin hats, worth £650 each, started showing up on the auction website.

The 38-year-old who works in the armoury at Victoria Barracks in Windsor Castle, was held and items were found in his house. He faces losing his £35,000 salary and his pension if charged and convicted.

The Sun quoted a Royal Military Police insider as saying: "The allegations are extremely serious. A large number of items of kits including bearskins, boots and scarlet tunics had been stolen from men's lockers which had been broken into, usually after dark. It's a very long and complex investigation. Officers are going through eBay archives tracing what was up for auction. His computer is also being looked at."

The MoD confirmed the investigation into "allegations of theft and fraud".

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Apple Users Agree Not To Engage In Nuclear Or Biological Warfare

APPLE user agreement:  “You will also agree that you will not use these products for any purposes prohibited by the United States, including, without limitation, the development, design, manufacture or production of missiles, or nuclear, chemical , chemical or biological weapons.”