Subject: Daily Dose - 080221 -
Nightmare, THIS is TRUE, perestroika, DDL, News from the British Tabloids
Kuwait is taking 5 days off for the National Day and Liberation Day celebrations. And we’re taking off for the week to SE Asia. So rather than send these e-mails from KL – I’m holding them back until March 1st. Cheers!
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Last Night I Had A Nightmare
(A really bad one.)
It was a terrible nightmare, the most horrible one you could imagine. In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised! Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver license photo - and it was that same color. Black. No, no, God no, it can't be!! I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!!
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!! I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled. 'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my Boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual whore and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend. Sonofabitch!!!! Oh, my God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!
Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH, noooooo... I'm Bald!!!
The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap.. Any job.' Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in A shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere .
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker....Pacemaker? Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetiepie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote for next November? Hillary or Obama?'
Sonofabitch! Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black disabled one armed drug addicted Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please don't tell me I'm a Democrat!!!!
From Your Pal
Willy
(Thanks Jim...)
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THIS is TRUE...
JUST PASSING THROUGH: When a car crashed into the front of police headquarters in East Windsor, Conn., an officer ran to investigate. The driver, a 68-year-old woman, was fine, but when she saw the officer, police say, she backed up her car and tried to run him down, crashing into the building again. She then flipped the cop off and drove away. Officers pursued the car and arrested Lillian Dunn about a mile away. During a court hearing Dunn repeatedly interrupted the judge, who warned her that she would be gagged if she didn't be quiet. "Go ahead," Dunn urged. "Shove it!" She has been charged with criminal attempt to commit assault, criminal mischief, driving with a suspended license, and drunk driving. (Hartford Courant)
...Gosh: how come we saw that last charge coming from a mile away?
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WATCH OUT! Columbiana County, Ohio, Sheriff's officers responded to a report of an accident. Charles R. Hoyle, 34, had been riding an ATV near the town of Boardman when he hit a tree. When deputies arrived they found Hoyle was dead. A witness, Fred Powell, 53, said his brother Brian Powell, 46, had been following Hoyle on another ATV on his property when Hoyle sped off at full throttle and crashed. Hoyle, he noted, was blind. Brian admitted they had been drinking, but "not to the point of no return." (East Liverpool Review)
...Sure enough, by the time you realize you've gotten to the "point of no return," there's no returning from it.
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BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU: Ralph Williams of Cromwell, Otago, New Zealand, had his car briefly confiscated in a police investigation. When he got it back, he discovered a GPS tracking device had been installed behind a panel. He put a SIM card from the device into his mobile phone, and found it was programmed to text a police detective's mobile with reports on his location. Williams then put the tracking device up for sale online, noting "No police to bid on this." Williams has not been charged in any crime. A spokesman for the New Zealand Civil Liberties Council said the case sounded like a cross between George Orwell's "1984" and "the Keystone Kops". (Christchurch Press)
...Which is pretty much how I had always envisioned "1984" would be implemented.
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FOUL PLAY INDEED: Months ago, when the Rev. Gary Michael Aldridge, 51, of the Thorington Road Baptist Church in Montgomery, Ala., was found dead, church officials urged that the community "refrain from speculation" until the police finished its investigation. The autopsy report is finally in, and it reveals that Aldridge died alone with no sign of drug or alcohol ingestion, but that he was wearing two rubber suits, had bound his own hands and feet behind his back, and died from "accidental mechanical asphyxia", or hypoxyphilia. "It is not a criminal matter at this point," a prosecutor said. (Montgomery Advertiser)
...OK -- *now* the speculation can begin.
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RETURN TO SENDER, ADDRESS UNKNOWN: "Inmate Missing after Escaping via Mail Slot"
-- Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader headline
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[This joke is a little dated, but still very funny. The word 'perestroika' by the way, is a Russian term for restructure. It was introduced by Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev to describe the plan to restructure the Soviet economy in the 1980s. If it seems any funnier to you, you can substitute vodka for beer.]
A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender.
"One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopecks!"
"Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopecks for the beer and fifty kopecks for the perestroika."
Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecks and says, "We are out of beer."
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DDL
As we grow older year by year
my husband always mourns:
the less and less
we feel our oats
the more we feel our corns.
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Excuse
Wife to husband : "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife : "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband : "What ? At 2 a.m. ?!"
Husband to wife : "Yes, We used night clubs."
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News from the British Tabloids
Swearing nun swears off swearing
Monday, December 10, 2007
Children at a Catholic school got a surprise when their head nun instructed them not to swear - before reeling off a list of the words they weren't allowed to use.
Sister Kathy Avery, the principal of St. Clare of Montefalco Catholic School in Grosse Point Park, Michigan had students stay after a Mass last month and informed the fifth- through eighth-graders that she has a zero-tolerance policy for cursing. Just in case anyone was not sure what she was talking about, Avery read a list of the words and phrases that she was banning.
'It got a little quiet in church' during her talk, she told the Detroit Free Press. Some parents were shocked, but others applauded, the newspaper said.
'In a way you would think a nun would shy away from something like that, but she's very open with the children, very clear in her messages,' said Margaret Roache, chairperson of the school commission.
Roache's sixth-grade son was there when Avery read the list of banned words.
'When I asked him to give me a sample of it, he said "Oh, no, I can't say it!"' Roache said. 'I thought it was great.'
Sadly, it has not been reported exactly what swearwords the nun used, although it seems likely that ****, ****, ************, **********, *** and **** were on the list.
Swearwords are not the only things that set Avery off. She has also banned the words 'stupid' and 'boring'.
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Indian Judge Orders Hindu Gods To Appear In Court
JUDGE Sunil Kumar Singh kindly requests the presence of Ram and Hanuman to “appear before the court personally”.
The Hindu gods have been asked to appear before the court in Dhanbad, India, this coming Tuesday. The judge says letters addressed to the gods had gone unanswered.
“Ram and Hanuman are among the most popular Indian Hindu gods,” says the BBC, and accordingly in much demand. Perhaps if they can’t be there in person, Ram and Hanuman can appear in a live satellite link up or on the phone?
Judge Singh wants the gods to help in a 20-year-old dispute on the ownership of a 1.4 acre plot of land housing two temples, where supplicants worship the aforesaid deities. Temple priest Manmohan Pathak claims the land belongs to him. Locals say it belongs to the two deities.
Anorak would like it on the record that it has owned St Paul’s Cathedral ever since Jesus came to Old Mr Anorak and told him to look after the apcle and do with it as she saw fit. A petition is with the City of London Planning and Strip Club Licensee Office
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Lotto winner's son won't leave old house
A Lotto millionaire can't move into her new mansion - because her teenage son won't leave their old council house.
Jenny Southall splashed out £1.15million on a new five-bedroom house after winning an £8.3m jackpot in April, reports The Sun. But 15-year-old Jamie, says he's happier in their old house a few miles away in Newport, South Wales, because it's near his mates.
Divorced Jenny, 44, spends most of the day at the new house but returns every night to look after her son.
Jamie said: "I prefer living here rather than moving up to the new house. I am used to having my mates round and we can chill out here more."
Jenny and her three children moved into the council house last year after staying in a hostel when she lost her previous home because she couldn't afford the mortgage. She was struggling to cope on her earnings as a part-time cinema supervisor when she won her jackpot a few months later.
Jenny has met officials over whether she still needs a council house when she is now so wealthy.
A Newport Council spokeswoman said: "It's very hard to evict anyone who does not breach the tenancy agreement. Winning a lot of money is not a breach of the agreement as long as the person is still living there."
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
Buttock storm over mooning Israeli soldiers
Bad moon rising It's not the worst thing that has happened in the long and bloody history of the Israel-Palestine conflict - several Israeli soldiers have been suspended following revelations that they had mooned some Palestinian shepherds.
The buttock-exposing incident was revealed when video shot by a peace activist became public, being posted on an Israeli news site.
The video was reportedly shot outside Hebron, in the occupied West Bank, where the Israeli soldiers were apparently trying to get some Palestinian shepherds to leave the area, where they were grazing their flocks.
The video, published on the YNet news site, shows two of the soldiers resorting to the time-honoured crowd control method of dropping their trousers and waving their bottoms around, while a third gives a victory sign with his fingers.
In a statement, the Israel Defense Force said: 'All personnel implicated in this unfortunate affair have been identified and immediately suspended from all professional activity.'
'This affair dates to a month ago and does not characterise the values taught to our soldiers,' the statement added.
'The Israeli society should be shamed by this footage, especially the families who raised such monsters,' Israeli Arab politician Ahmed Tibi said to YNet.