Subject: Daily Dose - 080220 - True
Quebecer, News from the British Tabloids, turning 30m DDL, Rotten News
A True Quebecer
On the night before his honeymoon, a young husband to be, a member of the Parti Quebecois, was listening to some last-minute advice from his father, who was also a PQ member.
"My son, when you walk into your bedroom, you pick up your wife in your arms, because a Quebecer is strong! And you throw her on the bed because a Quebecer is proud! And then, you take your clothes off because a Quebecer is handsome!"
The next day, the father asked his son how everything went.
So the son told his father:
"I done as you told me, mon père. I pick her up in my arms to take her to de bedroom, because a Quebecer is strong! And den I trow her on de bed, because a Quebecer is proud! And den, I take off my clothes, because a Quebecer is handsome!"
"And den?" asked the father.
"And den I masturbate, because a Quebecer is INDEPENDENT!"
(Thanks George...)
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News from the British Tabloids....
Mugger 'pleased' at beating from 'victim'
When a pickpocketer saw a 72-year-old man walking down the street he thought he would be a good target. But the wannabe-thief got more than he bargained for and was promptly beaten by the man - a retired marine.
The retired soldier was scratching out a losing lottery ticket in a shop when he felt the hand of Jesse Rae enter his front left trouser pockets where he had $300. The ex-marine turned and grabbed Rae's hand and began pummelling his face repeatedly before a store detective intevened.
Rae is now expected to be jailed for about a year after pleading guilty to attempting unarmed robbery. But rather than begrudging the response of his victim, Rae has called the incident 'an eye-opening ordeal' that has made him realise he needed mental health care.
'This has actually lifted a lot of stress off my shoulders,' he said.
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Puppet man punches back
Punch and Judy puppeteer Glyn Edwards has created a new stage villain - a health and safety inspector.
Glyn, 63, decided to get his own back after his local authority demanded he fill in a risk assessment form for his show.
He said: "Have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous? I wrote back refusing to comply and they backed off."
Now Glyn, of Worthing, West Sussex, makes sure his inspector is frequently whacked by Punch.
He said: "He's a target for humour because health and safety has got completely out of hand. It's madness. Punch is all about bringing idiots and lunacy to light."
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Students played 'frisbee' with land mine
Two Swiss students on holiday played frisbee with an object they found on a beach unaware it was a live land mine.
Lukas Aider, 20, and Christoph Kurz, 19, took a plunge in the Danube river in Budapest when they found the mine and began their potentially lethal game. A lifeguard watching stopped them and immediately called the police.
A bomb squad then arrived to make safe what turned out to be an old Soviet 6 kilogrammes anti-tank mine.
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War over the roses
A council has ordered a green-fingered couple to remove a flower display from their house - because it's too pretty.
Barry and Betty Atack were told a trellis on their 200-year-old home "detracts from the area's architectural simplicity."
Betty said: "We rang the council and a lady said our house was 'too pretty'. They don't want us to have hanging baskets either. It's potty."
Lancaster City Council claim the 72-year-olds - who have won trophies for their garden in Poulton, Lancs - agreed to maintain the house's character after getting a £6,000 renovation grant, reports The Sun.
But defiant Betty said: "That trellis was there before they started. It's staying. They can send me to jail if they like."
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Letter to Santa pays off for police
French police have had their wish granted after writing to Father Christmas to ask for new police cars.
Police in Marignane near Marseille told Santa "even your sleigh is faster" after being told there was not enough money in the coffers to replace their ageing cars.
The letter, addressed to Father Christmas and written on official police note paper, read: "Dear Santa, our cars can't handle the job any more. If you think we are exaggerating, you can try out the cars yourself. Even your sleigh is better than one of them."
Local authorities have now put up the cash to buy new cars for police after seeing the letter published in a local paper.
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I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
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DDL
A Cambridge chap could arouse
Any girl that he liked, and carouse.
He'd have her in bed
With a nod of his head . . .
All - by simply just licking his brows.
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A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?"
The guy asks "What's it all about?"
The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink."
The guy replies, "No I don't think so, mate... the steaks are too high!"
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Rotten News.... (true)
Dad sells son's 90-dollar video game online for more than $9000
MONTREAL (AFP) - After catching his 15-year-old smoking pot, a father sold the hard-to-get "Guitar Hero III" video game he bought his son for 90 dollars for Christmas at an online auction, fetching 9,000 dollars.
The sale took place after the father spent two weeks searching for the video game for the Nintendo Wii gameboard.
"So I was so relieved in that I had finally got the Holy Grail of Christmas presents pretty much just in the nick of time. I couldn't wait to spread the jubilance to my son," the father wrote on the eBay website. "Then, yesterday, I came home from work early and what do I find? My innocent little boy smoking pot in the back yard with two of his delinquent friends."
The man, a school teacher, who kept his identity private, said he sold the coveted video game to punish his son and discourage him from smoking dope.
The sale was a boon for the family's bank account, since the game the father purchased for 90 dollars (US) was finally sold to an Australian who plunked down 9,100 dollars for it.
The naughty son, however, will not go without a present on Christmas.
"I am still considering getting him a game for his Nintendo. Maybe something like Barbie as the Island Princess or Dancing with the Stars ... I know he will just love them," the father said, tongue-in-cheek.
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Lonely guy shocked to get $83,000 phone bill
By Claire Sibonney
Fri Dec 14, 11:43 AM ET
TORONTO (Reuters) - A Canadian oil-field worker, stunned to get a C$85,000 ($83,700) cell phone bill, has had the charges reduced to C$3,400, but is still fighting them.
Piotr Staniaszek, a 22-year-old oil and gas well tester in rural northwest Alberta, became a figure of international media attention this week when his father went to the press to complain about the size of his son's bill.
Staniaszek's father, also named Piotr Staniaszek, said his son thought he could use his new phone as a modem for his computer as part of his C$10 unlimited browser plan from Bell Mobility, a division of Bell Canada. He downloaded movies and other high-resolution files unaware of the charges they would incur.
"He's working in the field sometimes, alone, in the shack. What to do? Drink vodka or go on the Internet?" Staniaszek senior told Reuters on Thursday from Calgary, Alberta. "Now it's $85,000 and nobody told him," he said.
According to his invoice, the son rang up C$60,000 in charges in November, and they have since climbed to C$85,000.
Staniaszek senior said Bell has agreed to reduce the charges to C$3,400 for "goodwill."
"It's still high...Who can afford it?" he said, adding his son can barely make payments on a new truck he bought for work, and will continue to fight the charges.
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December 13, 2007
Artist exhibits human excrement at London gallery
By Raphael G. Satter, THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
LONDON - An artist is inviting Londoners to come face-to-face with the wretched labour of one of India's lowest castes - by filling an art gallery with 21 big blocks of human excrement.
The monoliths are the brainchild of Santiago Sierra, whose previous work includes pumping a former German synagogue full of poisonous car exhaust (visitors wore gas masks) and an attempt to write the word "Submission" in giant, flaming letters near the U.S.-Mexico border.
Elena Crippa, curator at the Lisson Gallery where the work is being displayed, said the Spanish-born artist's intention is to confront audiences with the horror of the scavengers, the so-called untouchables who have traditionally cleaned private toilets and outhouses in India.
The human waste used in the exhibit was gathered from the Indian cities of Delhi and Jaipur by volunteers working for Sulabh International, a human rights organization devoted to helping improve the lives of scavengers. The muck was left to sit for three years before being mixed with plastic, moulded into man-sized blocks and shipped to Britain, by which point, Crippa said, it was the sanitary equivalent of dirt.
Sierra's work often seems tailor-made to incite disgust or outrage. Past stunts include spraying workers with toxic polyurethane foam or paying drug-addicted prostitutes for the right to tattoo lines on their backs.
A catalogue distributed by the gallery suggested the slabs of excrement were meant to shock by bringing the scavengers' work "too close for comfort."
"As long as exploitation remains on the other side of the glass, we can quietly rest our heads on our pillows, clutching a fair trade chocolate bar in our fist," it said.
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
Firm Workers: Paying Fat Workers To Lose Weight
It’s Pounds for Pounds. And if the fatties pound the pavement and run it’s Pounds For Pounds For Pounds.
Sadly, the initiative already has a name - Healthy Weight, Healthy Lives – and is under the auspices of the Well@Work scheme. The Telegraph says that one competition, called The Biggest Loser, awarded £130 in gift vouchers for the participant who lost the most weight.
This is just the start.
Companies should be encouraged to flag their interests, perhaps replacing the Ltd and PLC parts of their names with something to reveal that their clinically obese staff have signed up to the scheme.
What about [company name] FAT or FLAB (Fat Loser Aerobic Business)?
And there are are the belly ads…
