Subject: Daily Dose - 080218 - divine
right, News from the British Tabloids, DDL, Dumb Luck, Rotten News
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.
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News from the British Tabloids....
Men charged over brother sex switch
A man in Germany who was embarrassed about his penis size is facing charges, after asking his girlfriend to have sex in the dark – and getting his brother to stand in.
Manfred Schuh, 26, feared he would lose his 24-year-old girlfriend if he did not 'perform well', so he insisted on keeping the lights off during sex and going to the toilet beforehand. His brother Walter, 28, would then enter the room and have sex with the woman. She found out after two months – when she turned the light on.
A police spokesman said: 'She apparently had no idea. Both men look similar as they are brothers, and the older brother made a point of not speaking when he was impersonating his younger sibling.'
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Speeding ticket a little slow
A motorist was sent a speeding ticket for a car he has never owned nine years after the alleged offence.
Derrick Thomas was told he had driven a Mercedes at 60mph in a 40mph zone in Essex. The letter was postmarked December 1998, a month after the offence.
Essex Police said the matter would not be pursued, reports Metro. Royal Mail claimed it was unlikely that it was responsible for the letter's late arrival.
Mr Thomas, 71, of Ipswich, said: "I thought it was a joke. I've only ever driven BMWs since 1989."
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Chanting with rollercoasters
A theme park has called in a Native- American brave because it is fed up with the bad weather.
Alton Towers, in Staffordshire, asked Carlisle 'Walks With The Feather' Antonio to perform a cloud-chasing ceremony to halt the recent spate of floods and flash storms. Wearing his traditional regalia, Mr Antonio, from South Dakota, burnt tobacco and sage on a fire in front of a rollercoaster. He also recited ceremonial chants.
Alton Towers' Rebecca Farrer said: 'Let's hope we'll all walk with sunshine very soon.'
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Baby delivered using turkey baster and shoelace
Most people probably have more traditional uses in mind for their turkey baster for Christmas but the kitchen device came in handy when a woman gave birth recently in Michigan, USA.
Shannon Mata went into early labour at her home in Gladstone and called her mother-in-law for help. While the pair waited for an ambulance, emergency staff gave them instructions over the phone. Luckily, off-duty paramedic Edwin LaCosse heard the converstation on his radio and rushed over to Mata's home.
The resourceful paramedic successfully delivered the baby and then used a turkey baster to clear her nose and mouth, and a shoelace to tie off the umbilical cord.
Mother and baby are both said to be doing well.
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Firefighters Use Angle Grinder To Free Man’s Penis
TO the Royal Wigan Infirmary in Greater Manchester where a man has got a metal ring stuck on the end of his penis.
News is that the man faced amputation as the ring cut off his blood supply. What to do? Grease? A signed photo of Anthea Turner? Or two firefighters and a mini hand grinder?
No contest.
A thin sheet of metal (a Kitkat wrapper or some such household item) is placed around the middle-aged man’s penis to protect the skin while removing the ring, which seemed to have been cut off from the end of a pipe.
If you are the owner of the rest of the pipe, please get in touch…
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Dumb Luck?!?
After a night on the town with his buddies and a few too many drinks, Tom foolishly offers to give everyone a lift home.
As Tom is driving down the freeway, his friend yells out that he has missed the exit. "No problem," says Tom as he puts the car in reverse and begins reversing -- straight into another car.
Wouldn't you know it but 10 seconds later a police officer drives up. The officer approaches the other car first and after speaking to the driver he approaches Tom's car.
Sweating profusely, Tom rolls down the window and the officer leans in and says, "Sir, you might as well go on home now. The fella behind you is so drunk he thinks you were reversing down the freeway!!!"
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DDL
Her bush was a true work of art;
It was coiffed in the shape of a heart.
And just out of sight
Was another delight,
A twat with the taste of a tart!
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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
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Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.
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Behind every successful man, is a surprised mother-in-law.
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Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.
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Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
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Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
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You're not a complete idiot, there're still some parts missing.
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Forgive your enemies but remember their names.
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News from the British Tabloids
Rotten News.... (true)
Man vexed not sexed by text message
Tue Dec 11, 11:21 PM ET
WELLINGTON (Reuters) - A New Zealand woman who sent a naked man to the wrong house on the promise of a good time has been charged with misusing a telephone, local media reported on Wednesday.
The 17-year-old woman sent the man an enticing text message offering him an early Christmas present in the shape of two friendly women and suggested he take off his clothes to save time, the Manawatu Standard reported. The 31-year old man wasted no time in arriving at the house, and took off his clothes and threw them through the window before entering.
But it was the wrong house and the householder did not see the funny side. The police were called and the man arrested for being unlawfully on a property.
The woman, who sent the tempting but deliberately wayward message, was also tracked down and charged for misusing a phone. Both the man and the woman escaped prosecution and were cautioned and put on good behaviour bonds.
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Chilean prostitute auctions sex for charity
Wed Nov 28, 2:49 PM ET
SANTIAGO (Reuters) - A Chilean prostitute has auctioned 27 hours of sex to raise money for the country's largest charity during an annual fund-raising campaign.
Maria Carolina became an overnight celebrity in the conservative Roman Catholic country, making news headlines and appearing on talk shows since she made her unusual donation to the televised charity event, which runs for 27 hours starting on Friday evening.
"I've already auctioned off the 27 hours of love," Maria Carolina told Reuters on Wednesday, saying she had raised about $4,000. "One of my clients already paid. It seemed like a good deed to him."
Adult prostitution is legal in Chile. Chile's two-day Teleton fundraiser is endorsed by television stars and aims to raise funds for poor, disabled children.
Speaking about Maria Carolina's unusual donation, campaign organizer Mario Kreutzberger said he would not encourage "immoral" activities, but said he would accept her pledge.
But Maria Carolina, who advertises her services on the Internet, defended her money-raising scheme.
"There are people who are going to be donating money that's a lot more questionable than mine," she said. "The only thing I did was publicize it."
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December 12, 2007
Australian senator's advice: 'Always wear clean underwear'
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
DARWIN, Australia - A senior Australian Senator who was handcuffed in his underpants to a pole during a drunken night in a Russian strip club said Wednesday he learned from the experience to "always wear clean underwear."
Senator Nigel Scullion said he enjoyed his night out in 1998 in St. Petersburg where, as a professional fisherman, he led an Australian delegation at a global fishing conference. The escapade was first reported in Australian newspapers Tuesday, a week after the 51-year-old married senator was elected deputy leader of the opposition National party. He was first elected to Parliament in 2001.
"It was a terrific night," Scullion told Australian Broadcasting Corp. radio. "If you ever get an offer to go drinking with Icelandic whalers and Canadian crab fishermen, take them up on it," he said. "Two important lessons out of life from that: don't let anyone handcuff you to a post and make sure you always wear clean underwear," he added.
News media reported Scullion struggled to break free from the pole as a fight broke out between Russian sailors and other patrons. He fled the club partially clothed.
"Everybody has a colourful past," said Scullion, adding he is not ashamed of his behaviour.
Scullion is the latest Australian legislator to face scrutiny over a history in strip clubs.
Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, who was elected last month, made a public apology in August after revelations he had a drunken night in a New York City strip club in 2003 when he was a senior opposition MP.
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
New sports car creates a splash
A Swiss company says it has invented the world's first underwater car - and it's a convertible.
The Rinspeed sQuba concept car was inspired by James Bond's The Spy Who Loved Me.
Similar to 007's Lotus Esprit, the sQuba is a road-worthy vehicle that, at the touch of a button, can transform into an amphibious vehicle capable of diving to a depth of about 33 feet.
Rinspeed boss Frank M. Rinderknecht admitted it was Bond who gave him the idea for the car.
"And exactly thirty years later this becomes reality in today's world", he says, describing the sQuba as "the worlds first real diving car with zero emission power".
The one-off concept car is not for sale, but it cost around £750,000 to build.
Propulsion on the water is by two propellers in the stern while two powerful jet drives in the bow propel the vehicle while diving underwater. The lightweight body is made of futuristic "carbon nano tubes" and the driver is supplied with air by a self-contained on-board system.
The sQuba goes on show for the first time at next month's motor show in Geneva.