Subject: Daily Dose - 080217 - Did you use my name, BIZARRE NEWS, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

Did you use my name?

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said:

"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Convict Lawsuits

In April 1996, inmate Kirk Livingood attempted to sue his cell mate, Phillip Negrete, for routinely beating him.

Convicted rapist, robber and kidnapper Melvin Leroy Tyler, serving time in Missouri, filed a lawsuit for $129 million to have prisoners supplied with a salad bar and brunches on weekends and holidays.

A New York City inmate sued for $8.5 million in damages because he smuggled a gun into the prison and accidentally shot himself.

Richard Loritz filed a $2000 lawsuit against the South Bay Detention Center in San Diego, California, for refusing to allow him to use dental floss.

Roy Clendimen, a prisoner at the Mohawk Correctional Facility near Syracuse, New York, sued for $1 million because a guard wouldn't put his ice cream in the freezer and it melted.

A Utah prisoner filed a $1 million lawsuit against the state for suspending a program which provided hair transplants for prisoners. He claimed "emotional suffering."

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Blind man subdues mugger

MARBURG, Germany - The blind guy a young German mugger picked for his victim turned out not to be easy pickings after all.

The would-be robber punched the blind man in the face with the apparent intent of stealing his carton of cigarettes. But what the robber didn't know was the 33-year-old man he targeted near the train station in Marburg is a world judo champion, Der Spiegel reported Monday.

"The blind Judoka used some expert moves to wrestle the robber to the ground and pinned him down while he shouted for help," Marburg police said in a statement.

A passerby called police and the 17-year-old suspect was taken into custody.

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Smuggler learns not to stow pot near DEA

NEW YORK - A known New York drug smuggler faces possession charges for allegedly stowing 35 pounds of marijuana in a locker near the Drug Enforcement Administration.

The storage locker where Roger Golden stashed his stash was in a self-storage facility with two entrances -- one conveniently in the lobby of the DEA building, the New York Post reported Monday. Drug agents walking to the office passed the self-storage business caught a whiff, said John Gilbride, head of the office. They brought in a drug-sniffing dog, which plunked down in front of Golden's locker.

"Here's a guy that has been known to drug law enforcement for 30 years and he picks, of all places, to store his marijuana in a storage facility connected to the New York office of the DEA," said John Gilbride, head of the office.

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Man describes intruder 'running nude'

DULUTH, Minn. - A burglar, claiming he was a government agent and his cover was being blown, got away from a Minnesota home with no cover  -- or clothes -- at all.

Wayne and Kathie Boniface had returned to their Duluth, Minn., home, where they found the intruder, the Duluth News Tribune reported Monday. When confronted, the burglar said, "I'm with the FBI and you are blowing my cover," Kathie Boniface said. Then the burglar made a mistake by grabbing the wife.

Wayne Boniface said he tackled the thief and "had quite a scuffle" during which the intruder's shirt came off. The man broke free, getting as far as the porch. "His head was down over the railing, and in today's world, pants are worn fairly loose," Wayne Boniface told the newspaper.

"I pulled his pants, and his pants and underpants and shoes came completely off. He was completely nude."

When authorities asked for a description, Wayne Boniface said, "I believe he's the only guy running nude in Duluth."

Police caught a suspect, charging him with two counts of first-degree burglary, the News Tribune said.

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The seven-year-old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

______________________________

DDL

A young airline stewardess, Faye,

Has achieved liberation today.

She screwed without quittin'

From New York to Britain -

It's clear she has come a long way.

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"According to Self magazine, one in four women say they have negative thoughts about their body during sex. See, why do women worry about these kinds of things? During sex men are probably thinking about some other woman's body anyway. Don't worry about it."

--Jay Leno

***

Did you see that blizzard? There have been so many school closings, teachers have been forced to start having sex with their spouses again."

--Jay Leno

***

"It's been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name "Rudolph Giuliani" so other candidates don't use his name in negative campaign ads. For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words 'Ball-Buster,' 'Castrator' and 'Nut-Cruncher.'

--Conan O'Brien

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News from the British Tabloids...

A mermaid's tale

A New Zealand woman with no legs is having a mermaid's tail made to help her swim.

Nadya Vessey, from Auckland, is having the tail made by the company behind the special effects in Lord of the Rings and King Kong. She was born with a condition that meant her legs would never develop properly, reports the Stuff news website.

She began swimming after she had her first leg amputated at seven. Despite having her other leg amputated at 16, she swam competitively in high school and now swims as often as she can.

The tail will be moulded on to a pair of wetsuit shorts to make it easy to put on and take off. Vessey says it will allow her to propel herself through the water as if she was a mermaid.

Ms Vessey, who is in her 50s, came across Weta Workshop's prosthetic department one night while surfing the internet. She decided to email them her idea about a tail "just to put the idea out there" and, much to her surprise, their reply was immediate.

Weta was excited about the challenge and offered to donate its staff time and expertise to make the tail if Vessey could cover the costs of the materials, which she did with a grant from a charity.

Ms Vessey asked Weta to make the tail practical and beautiful. They told her not to worry that they would even put scales on it.

"So I really have no idea what to expect but it's going to be fun," she said.

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Butcher banned from chopping meat

A council has banned a butcher from chopping meat after a new neighbour complained about the noise.

Brian Clapton, 50, was stunned to get an official letter after a tenant moved in above his shop, reports The Sun. Noise enforcement officer Tim Jones told him "a statutory nuisance exists caused by loud impact or banging".

Barking and Dagenham Council instructed the butcher to soundproof his shop within two weeks or face court action. Brian, whose business is in Barking, was also barred from using his cleaver on weekdays between 6am and 8am.

The dad of three, a butcher for 35 years, complained: "That's the most important time for a butcher - getting meat ready for the customers. What do you honestly expect to hear if you move in above a butcher's shop? Butchers have chopped meat for hundreds of years."

A council spokesman said: "We understand he has a right to run a business but the people who live around him also have a right to a good night's sleep."

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Swinger sues over sex club ban

We'll be honest, we've no idea what a suburban sex party looks like. This is a guess. A man who holds sex parties in his home is suing the suburban Dallas city where he lives, claiming that a recently approved ban on sex clubs unconstitutionally targets his lifestyle.

Jim Trulock, whose home transforms into 'The Cherry Pit' on weekends, is suing the city of Duncanville. Last month city officials passed an ordinance banning sex clubs, calling it a response to neighbor complaints about the traffic and noise Trulock's house created.

City officials said the lawsuit will not stop their efforts to shut down the parties.

'We will continue to enforce the ordinances,' city spokeswoman Tonya Lewis said.

Trulock already has been cited for the parties, which draw upward of 100 people and feature themes like 'Naked Twister' nights. He accuses the city of having no 'constitutionally acceptable' grounds to enact the ordinance, according to the lawsuit.

Duncanville is a city of 36,000 just southwest of Dallas.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

German Rabbits The Size Of Small Dogs In North Korea

FILM director Julius Onah’s film of one man’s enthusiasm for giant rabbits is a hit at the Berlin Film Festival.

Karl Szmolinsky breeds giant rabbits. He sold a bunch (a nibbling of rabbits?) to North Korea with the idea of easing hunger. But he is concerned that his livestock did not reach the starving people but ended up being eaten by politicos.

As Spiegel reports, Szmolinsky, a 68-year-old German living in Eberswalde, near Berlin, won a prize for breeding a 10.5-kilogram (23.1 pound) rabbit named Robert in 2006. Robert was the size of a small dog. When North Korean leaders saw photos of him they contacted Szmolinsky through a breeding federation, hoping to purchase a line of “German Giant Grays” to alleviate hunger in their hermetic Communist state.

At the time, Szmolinsky said: “They’ll be used to help feed the population. I’ve sent them 12 rabbits so far; they’re in a petting zoo for now. I’ll be travelling to North Korea in April to advise them on how to set up a breeding farm. A delegation was here and I’ve already given them a book of tips.”

But as Onah tells us: “In April of ‘07 Szmolinsky was supposed to go to North Korea himself and oversee the breeding of the rabbits. But some time between January and April he found out that the rabbits he sent got eaten (by senior officials). All 12 of them. So he refused to cooperate (more…) with the North Koreans.”

As ever, this story lends itself to being “beyond parody”. All the more so when we learn that the South Korean government has contacted Szmolinsky.

Says Onah: “The South Koreans would like him to send his rabbits there and they sent this letter which even apologized for the behaviour of their neighbours in the north.”

Look out for herds of massive rabbits inhabiting the demarcation zone…