Subject: Daily Dose - 080214 - BABYLONIAN WITCH, THIS is TRUE, never lend anything, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

A man making the bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a popular night spot. The bartender refused to serve him and told him he should go home.

Man: My wife will kill me.

Bartender: Take her some candy.

Man: She is on a diet.

Bartender: Take her some flowers.

Man: She has allergies.

Bartender: Tell her a poem.

Man: She loves poems... But I don't know any.

Bartender: Here is one for you. The Bartender recites:

YOU BABYLONIAN WITCH

BLUE EYES AND RUBY LIPS

BENEATH THINE EYES PASSION LIES

AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PASSION RISE

-"Shakespeare"

Man: I can handle that. So walking home the man was reciting to himself the poem. When he gets home he is unable to find his keys. So he knocks on the door.

Wife: You better not have been drinking!

Man: Sweetness, I have a poem for you!

Wife: It had better be good.

The man starts to recite the poem...

YOU BABYLONIAN BITCH ..

BLUE EYES AND PURPLE TITS.

BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS A PUSSY LIES

AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PECKER RISE.

______________________________

THIS is TRUE...

WE WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED: When Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe didn't visit a Shinto war shrine on the anniversary of Japan's surrender of World War II, Yoshihiro Tanjo, 54, who heads a "right-wing" political group, was incensed. Abe had avoided the shrine in an attempt to improve relations with China and South Korea, but Tanjo protested by cutting off his little finger and sending it to the Prime Minister. Included in the package: a DVD with "very graphic images of him chopping off a part of his finger, which he had filmed himself," said a Kurashiki police spokesman. Tanjo was arrested and charged with intimidation. (AFP)

...In the U.S. we often give the finger to politicians -- but it's just a brief loan.

***

TURF BATTLE: "We're not only in the business of paying claims," said a spokeswoman for AIG Private Client Group, which specializes in insuring homes valued at more than $1 million, "we're in the business of preventing them." So when a wildfire outside Ketchum, Idaho, threatened a number of homes the company insures, it sent a private fire crew to the area to protect them. The U.S. Forest Service had no problem with the contract firefighters ensuring homes were not lost, but local police did. "That sounds ridiculous to me," said Ketchum Police Department spokesman Kim Rogers. "I mean, this is a Forest Service fire, not a private fire." No homes -- protected by AIG or not -- were lost in the fire, which consumed nearly 50,000 acres. (Twin Falls Times-News)

...Mistake #1: Forgetting what the goal is. Mistake #2: Forgetting that civilians, who have more at stake than bureaucrats, can be part of the team.

***

BRAZEN JUVENILE DELINQUENTS: Austin Perkins, 17, a senior at Golden Gate High School in Naples, Fla., was one of several students sent to the office for violating the school's dress code. "This was a group of students who had been talked to before," said Principal Bob Spano. "Because there was a group of them, it sort of brought more attention to it." The violation: the students wore coats and ties to school. The school dress code "says 'business dress'," Perkins said. "A coat and tie are business dress." All the boys received in-school suspensions for "exceeding" the school's dress code. (Naples News)

...And what, exactly, does Spano wear to work?

***

JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: Police in southern Germany said they had found "Skippi" -- a kangaroo that had been reported missing from a petting zoo in Bad Wurzach. The 'roo had been hit by a car near Krumbach and killed, police said. "I don't think it was a deliberate suicide," a police spokesman added. "He was just hopping about." But Skippi's owner insisted it couldn't have been Skippi, and refused to come to identify the body. Police responded that the marsupial "matched the description" -- and no other kangaroos had been reported missing. Several days later the owner was proved right: a very-much-alive Skippi was captured near Ravensburg and returned to the zoo. (Reuters, AP)

...Identification of the decoy kangaroo is apparently still pending.

***

SEVEN-YEAR ITCH: "German Politician Proposes Seven-year Limit on Marriages"

-- AFP headline

______________________________

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son.

Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

______________________________

DDL

Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel

Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.

But her genital area

Is so vast it'll scare ya,

And you venture inside at your peril.

______________________________

Distress, n. A disease incurred by the exposure to the prosperity of a friend.

--Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

***

How to catch a polar bear. Cut a large circle in the ice. Line it with green peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

***

"Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is angry at the press. Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should  lay off his wife. Then Giuliani added, "I mean just this wife. It’s open season on the first two."

--Conan O'Brien

***

President Bush is the first U.S. President to spend the night in Buckingham Palace, at the request of the royal family. As he was showing the President around, Prince Charles asked Bush if he wanted to see Big Ben, and Bush replied, "Whoa, there, fella. I'm from Texas; don't try any of that funny stuff with me."

______________________________

News from the British Tabloids

Getting it off their chests

Women in a County Durham village are painting plates with their breasts to raise money for charity. They cover their breasts with paint and make imprints on the plates which are then glazed and fired, reports the Northern Echo.

Joanne Scott, of the Buttercups Ceramic Studio, in Hurworth, near Darlington, said: "We decided on Breast Cancer Care plates because we have a few customers who are going through breast cancer. You just want to do something to help. And this is a fun way to raise money for a good cause."

There are a number of designs to choose from including pandas, cherries, Christmas puddings and bumble bees.

Mrs Scott added: "One man came in and was admiring a panda plate I'd made the week before. He was asking lots of questions about it and I explained it was for Breast Cancer Care and I hadn't used my hands to paint it, but the penny still didn't drop. A few moments later, a look of recognition passed across his face and he just kind of went 'Oh!' and rushed out of the shop.

"I think the poor man was a bit embarrassed."

**********

Thai politician accused of Viagra vote-buying

The honourable member thanks you for your support Vote-buying is an old practice in Thai politics, but one candidate in December's Thai elections has reportedly come up with a new tactic - handing out Viagra instead of cash.

The allegation, made Thursday by a campaign worker against a rival party, comes as rules about handing out favors to voters have become stricter than ever, barring even the distribution of free T-shirts and soft drinks.

Sayan Nopcha, a campaigner for the People's Power Party in Pathum Thai province just north of Bangkok, said the drug used to treat sexual dysfunction in men was being distributed to elderly male voters at social functions. Viagra is supposed to be used only on a doctor's advice, but is generally available over the counter in Thailand.

'The politician is giving out Viagra to gain popularity and votes,' said Sayan, a local government official whose older brother is the PPP candidate. 'I think this is a very bad way of vote-buying.'

He would not identify the candidate who allegedly handed out the pills.

Under a tough new law, both the supplier and recipient of vote-buying can face criminal charges. Candidates can be disqualified and their party disbanded, as was the case with the old law, while voters who accept money or gifts can now face from one to 10 years in prison.

**********

Doe! Deer hunters shoot each other

Doe. A deer. A female gun-toting deer? Hunting is dangerous. There are guns involved. And shooting. And look out for those bullet-dodging deer.

No fewer than four hunters were shot while trying to kill the animal in Iowa at the weekend.

Has it really come to this? Are the deer finally packing some heat themselves in a final stand-off between stag and man?

Thankfully no, or Santa would have some serious armed protection on his sleigh this year.

Instead, the dumb hunters are wiping each other out, making that easy mistake of thinking a two-legged human is the spit of a four-legged animal.

The opening weekend of shotgun deer hunting season in the US state went off with a bang. Dick Cheney, get a load of this...

Derek Kleitsch, 19, was hunting in Fayette County on Sunday morning when he was shot in the leg by another hunter who fired at a nearby deer. Shane Pashek, 38, was hit in the shoulder by a fellow deer hunter on Sunday afternoon in Delaware County. Luke Sietstra, 29, was shot in the arm and shoulder on Saturday afternoon in Osceola County, by another hunter who mistook him for a deer. And finally, Don Brandon Sr, 59, was shot in the foot. By himself. He slipped while getting into a trick in Davis County. Oh deer - I mean - dear.

Rod Slings, safety officer at the Department of National Resources, said: 'Shooting at running deer while hunting in a group is the number one cause of people getting hurt by firearms while deer hunting.' Who would have thought it?

He added: 'It is vitally important that you know where everyone is and only take shots that will ensure the safety of everyone involved.'

Yes, only fire a gun when you are sure no-one will get hurt.

And remember, only have a shower when you are certain you won't get wet.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

100 Year-old Tortoise acts as Mom to Baby Hippo

A baby hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast has formed a strong bond with a giant male century-old tortoise in an animal facility in the port city of Mombassa , officials said The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about 300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down Sabaki River into the Indian Ocean, then forced back to shore when tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast on December 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him.

It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a male tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems to be very happy with being a 'mother'," ecologist Paula Kahumbu, who is in charge of Lafarge Park , told AFP.

After it was swept away and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized. It had to look for something to be a surrogate mother. Fortunately , it landed on the tortoise and established a strong bond. They swim, eat and sleep together," the ecologist added. "The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the way it followed its mother. somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo becomes aggressive, as if protecting its biological mother," Kahumbu added.

The hippo is a young baby, he was left at a very tender age and by nature, hippos are social animals that like to stay with their mothers for four years," he explained.