Subject: Daily Dose - 080212 - Ugly Suit, BIZARRE NEWS, never recorded a baptism, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

Ugly Suit

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about it, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that ugly pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

“That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Predictions

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax."

- English scientist William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, 1899

"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine."

- Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."

- Ken Olson, president, chairman, and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"By 2000, the machines will be producing so much that everyone in the U.S. will, in effect, be independently wealthy.

- Time Magazine, 1966

"An impractical sort of fad, and has no place in the serious job of postal transportation."

- Second Assistant U.S. Postmaster General Paul Henderson on airmail, 1922

"It's a bad joke that won't last. Not with winter coming."

- Fashion designer CoCo Chanel on miniskirts, 1966

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."

-   Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"

- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

"You ought to go back to driving a truck."

- Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."

- Decca Recording Co., rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"It doesn't matter what he does, he will never amount to anything."

- Albert Einstein's teacher to his father, 1895

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Singapore court rules on bad feng shui

SINGAPORE - Bad feng shui has been ruled a legitimate reason to sell a home in Singapore and not have to pay taxes on the proceeds.

Singapore's High Court ruled Thursday that a couple was indeed forced to sell their apartment due to the lousy design that soured the feng shui energy, so they don't owe the government a tax on their gains.

Feng shui is the Asian art of designing and decorating a home or office so that positive energy flows throughout and bad energy is kept outside. The Straits Times said the case, believed to be a first in Singapore, involved a couple who tax collectors had alleged were trading real estate in the 1990s and therefore owed the government a cut.

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Strippers find taker for carwash funds

INVER GROVE HEIGHTS, Minn. - A Minnesota veterans advocate said he doesn't get why people would get into a lather over accepting proceeds from a charitable carwash run by strippers. In fact, Gary Gullickson, a Vietnam veteran, said money raised when employees of the Kinds of Diamonds club wash cars Saturday would be "heaven-sent," the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported Friday.

"They do it for veterans and it comes from their heart," said Gullickson, who will use the money to buy hams for more than 1,600 veterans living in veterans homes around Minnesota -- just as he did last year.

"These girls work hard for this money. It's not like they're out there entertaining."

Three years ago, the King of Diamonds in the Twin Cities suburb of Inver Grove Heights, tried to donate its carwash earnings to an area high school, which which said thanks, but no thanks. The inaugural charity fundraiser eventually were donated to St. Paul minister who ran a program for at-risk youth. In 2005, strippers donated the money to victims of Hurricane Katrina.

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Suspected undies bandit under arrest

LAS CRUSES, N.M. - A suspect in a string of Las Cruces, New Mexico robberies has been charged with breaking into homes and stealing, among other things, women's undies.

Police dubbed the thief "the serial lingerie bandit" because of his proclivity for taking underwear, the El Paso (Texas) Times reported Friday.

The burglaries "were spread out over the last two months," Las Cruces Police spokesman Dan Trujillo said. "It could be more, and there could be other victims out there."

Although jailed on two burglary counts, investigators said they suspect Martin Angel Moreno, 23, broke into at least six homes to steal women's panties. When searching the suspect's home, police found, among other things, lingerie, DVDs, television sets and photos of victims and their families.

"We think (the photos are) probably like a memento for him, an additional memento beside the undergarments," Trujillo said.

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A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by.

Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much fun.

The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most.

"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"

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DDL

Said Cochrane to O.J., "I fear

Good news and bad I have here.

The judge won't prohibit

A conjugal visit,

But only if from Rosy Grier."

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"I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on."

-Beryl Pfizer, American journalist

***

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."

--Jerry Garcia - Grateful Dead

***

"I wrote a novel this year called, 'Shop Girl,' and several producers came to me and wanted to turn it into a movie. And I said, 'If you think you're going to take this book and change it around, and Hollywoodize it and change the ending, well, that's going to cost you.'"

-Steve Martin

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News from the British Tabloids....

Nappies for donkeys

Donkey owners in a Kenyan town are up in arms after officials ordered their animals to wear nappies.

The local council in Limuru said the measure was needed to keep the town's streets clean, reports the BBC. But adverse press coverage and outrage from the town's residents has led the authority to put its plans on hold.

"If we have to put nappies on our donkeys, soon they will say our cows need them too," one donkey owner said.

Another donkey owner, Kimani Gathugu, says: "Donkeys are very important. Not many people have cars in the area and the donkeys serve as a mode of transport."

But Limuru's mayor, James Kuria, seems determined to push on with his plan.

"I have heard that in some areas where they keep donkeys, they also have nappies," he said. "We will go to these areas and see how they do it and come back and show our people how to do it. We want the people to earn a living but at the same time we must keep our town clean."

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Lost daughter 'right behind you dad'

A father posed for a publicity picture in a desperate attempt to find the daughter he has not seen for ten years unaware she was just a few yards behind him.

Michael Dick scoured the streets of Sudbury, Suffolk, and looked through the electoral register searching for Lisa, 31, reports Metro. After drawing a blank, he went to the Suffolk Free Press newspaper, which ran a story on his search. The paper took a picture for the article, of Michael and his younger daughters Samantha, 22, and 10-year-old Shannon.

Lisa, a mother of three, discovered her father, 58, was trying to find her when friends mentioned the story. And when she looked at the photograph, she realised she and her mother were just a few metres behind them and got in touch.

Lisa said: 'I was completely shocked. Me and my mum had been standing in that exact place where the picture was taken about a minute earlier, and you can see us in the picture walking away. It is incredible.'

Lisa, who now lives in Colchester, Essex, had only gone to Sudbury on the day the picture was taken to visit her mother.

Mr Dick added: 'We basically lost touch because I was living in London and she was in Suffolk.'

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Jail hardman's teddy strop

A prisoner who needed lifesaving surgery refused to go to hospital without his favourite teddy.

Barry Piper, an inmate at Wakefield high security jail is known as "a man who can look after himself". But the hardened criminal staged a stand-off in the van waiting to rush him to hospital and demanded guards fetch the cuddly toy from his cell, saying: "I have to have my teddy."

Eventually the guards gave in and after the teddy was searched for contraband and handed to him, Piper - who is in his 60s - agreed to leave.

Piper is in Wakefield prison - dubbed Monster Mansion - alongside some of the most notorious inmates, including Ian Huntley, cannibal Robert Maudsley and Roy Whiting, who murdered eight-year-old Sarah Payne in 2000. The Prison Service last night declined to comment on Piper's condition due to patient confidentiality.

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Photo News from the Russian Tabloids....

Nude blonde visits petrol station creating public disturbance (PHOTOS)

2007/07/24 

A mysterious blonde paid a visit to a petrol station shop in the small eastern German town of Doemitz on Sunday -wearing nothing but a pair of golden stilettos and a thin gold bracelet.

The tall, slender woman strolled into the shop in the town of Doemitz on the warm afternoon and bought cigarettes, petrol station employee Ines Swoboda told Reuters on Monday.

"I wasn't surprised because she's come in naked before -- she's a very nice woman," Swoboda said, adding none of the other customers were bothered. The woman could have faced charges of creating a public disturbance if anyone had complained.

A quick-witted customer did, however, snap pictures of the woman believed to be about 30 years old as she walked back to a waiting Ferrari and climbed into the passenger seat. Several of those photos appeared in the German media on Monday.