Subject: Daily Dose - 080211 - Name
Change, News from the British Tabloids, Duty Free, DDL, Rotten News
Name Change
A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that so often used the name, Bubba. He went to court to change it and appeared before a judge who asked, "Sir, why do you want to legally change your name, are you in trouble, hiding from the law, what?"
"No sir, Your honor, I'm just tired of listening to jokes about rednecks that often use that name. It's Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want my name changed.
The judge asked," and what name do you want it changed to?"
He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy? Spell it for me."
He said, Candy, "C-A-N-D-Y, your honor."
The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, your name is now, Candy."
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard, "Who's there?"
He said, "It's me!
She said, "come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba."
She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."
She asked, "what it is?"
He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."
He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth.
"Oh!... Come on in, Peter."
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News from the British Tabloids....
WHOOPSSSSS!
HOW about this for a large-scale blunder...
Dozy dad Barry Cowan, 24, thought he'd ordered a harmless royal python as a family pet on the internet but ended up with a man-eating reticulated one that can reach 40ft.
When it grew at an alarming rate he called experts who warned it could one day swallow his three-year-old girl whole.
Barry, of Bathgate, West Lothian, said: "I feel a bit daft." The python is now at a nearby rescue centre.
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Spy-squirrel menace strikes Iran
In further news of the horrifying threat that squirrels pose to humanity, Iran has claimed 14 squirrels found near the nation's borders were spies.
The state-sponsored news agency IRNA said: 'In recent weeks, intelligence operatives have arrested 14 squirrels within Iran's borders.'
'The squirrels were carrying spy gear of foreign agencies, and were stopped before they could act, thanks to the alertness of our intelligence services.'
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White Stripes play shortest show ever
The White Stripes wrapped up their quirky tour of Canada by playing a show just one note long.
Jack and Meg White took to the stage on George Street in St John's and played a single note - reportedly a C-sharp, reports NME.com.
They then announced they had "now officially played in every province and territory in Canada" and left the stage.
Hundreds of fans showed up for the last minute event, but were pre-warned the show would be just one-note long.
Later that evening, the band played a full-length set at Mile One Stadium in the city, the final show on their Canadian tour which has featured gigs on boats, buses, bridges and classrooms.
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Pavement sex couple arrested
A Polish couple were pulled apart and arrested by police for having sex on a pavement alongside a busy road in broad daylight.
Pictures of the pair were caught on a shopping centre's CCTV cameras and have been reproduced in local newspapers.
Kamila Steranovska and Tomasz Mienkowicz, both 19, stripped off and started romping in front of astonished passers-by in the middle of the day in the Praga district of the capital Warsaw.
A police spokesman said: "They were so engrossed in their act that when we tried to arrest them they told us to get lost and leave them to finish what they were doing. They said they just couldn't help themselves."
Police released the pair without charge after no-one complained. Police may now have to answer a wrongful arrest charge from the couple.
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Rent-a-duck scheme is a hit
Germans are lining up to rent farm animals to help with the gardening as part of a new green scheme.
Werner Kiwitt, who runs an ecological park in Schleswig-Holstein, is offering sheep to cut the grass and ducks to eat the slugs.
He said: "You get free fertiliser provided by the animals as well, so it's not a bad deal."
Mr Kewitt said he was getting orders from all over the country after a plague of slugs nationwide following recent heavy rains.
Kiwitt, who rents the birds out for £20 a time, said: "Some people think this is just a gag but the ducks are really good at getting rid of the slugs. It beats using poison, especially when there are children or other aninals in the house."
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Duty Free
An old couple in Cuba was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from the USA. The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest, which read:
Dearest Mami y Papi,
I am sending you Tia Juana's remains for the funeral there in the Havana Cemetery. Sorry I couldn't come along as the expenses were too high. You will find inside the coffin, under Tia's body, 12 cans of Bumble Bee Tuna, 12 bottles of Paul Mitchell Shampoo 12 bottles Paul Mitchell Conditioner, 12 Vaseline Intensive Care Skin Lotion, 12 Colgate Toothpaste and 12 cans of Spam. Just divide it among the family. On Tia's feet is a brand-new pair of Reeboks (size 8) for Joseito. There are four pairs of Reeboks under her head for Antonio's sons. Tia is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts - one is for Roberto and the rest are for his sons. Tia is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bras (my favorite), just divide it among the ladies. The 2 dozen Victoria's Secret panties that she is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cousins.
Tia is also wearing eight Docker pants, please get one for yourself and the rest are for the boys. The Swiss watch you asked for is on Tia Juana's left wrist and she is also wearing what you asked for Mami (earrings, ring and necklace) just please get them before anyone arrives to view the body. Also, the six pairs of Chanel stockings that she is wearing must be divided among the teen-age girls there. I hope the colors are to their liking.
Your loving daughter,
Carmencita
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DDL
This pretty young girl from Eau Claire
Had [massive amounts of pubic hair.
She said to her steady,
"Please f_ck me, I'm ready."
He said, "I will as soon as I find where."
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"There is never enough time, unless you're serving it."
--Malcolm Forbes
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"Talk doesn't cook rice."
--Chinese proverb
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"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
--Steven Wright
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"I'm not making this up. In Switzerland a company is marketing a beer directed at gay people. If you drink too much, you're pulled over by a cop, a construction worker, an Indian, and a cowboy. It comes in a bottle although most guys like it in the can."
--Jay Leno
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Rotten News.... (true)
Shots Fired After Mansfield Man Passes Gas
Last Update: 12/07 11:16 pm
(WETM-TV) SOUTHPORT - Flatulence is blamed for a Sunday night shooting at a Southport business.
William Hoover, 32, pulled out a semi-automatic rifle at Wheeler's Beverage Barn and shot at three people who teased him about passing gas, a Chemung County sheriff's investigator said.
The incident began inside the store after 6 p.m., where Hoover got into an argument with the three people who teased him about his flatulence, deputies said. When the argument moved outside and turned physical, Hoover ran to his car, pulled out a semi-automatic rifle, and shot at the three people, deputies said.
Nobody was hurt, and Hoover, of Mansfield, Pennsylvania, was arrested Monday and charged with attempted assault.
Employees at Wheeler's Beverage Store would not comment on the incident, and the victims asked not to be identified due to fears of retaliation.
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Dutch cops let man off the 'hook'
By TOBY STERLING, Associated Press Writer
AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - When Dutch police stopped a car for a broken headlight and noticed the driver was accompanied by a prostitute, they gave him a break — and let him pay the traffic fine in cash rather than sending the ticket to his home.
"In the spirit of Christmas ... the man was allowed to leave the police station euro50 ($75) poorer but with an easy heart," a statement by Utrecht police Friday said.
The 40-year-old man, whose identity wasn't released, acknowledged the woman was a street prostitute after being stopped Thursday evening, the statement said. Regulated prostitution in brothels is legal here, while street prostitution is illegal.
The officer wrote the man a ticket for the headlight and said it would arrive in an official police envelope.
The man "wanted to pay immediately because otherwise his wife could have seen that he was ticketed on the Europalaan (a well known pickup strip) in Utrecht, with all the consequences that would bring," the statement said.
After the man begged for mercy, the officer relented and took him to a nearby station to pay cash, it said.
Utrecht police spokeswoman Ellen de Heer said the statement was intended to show that police aren't the unbending rule-followers they are often made out to be.
"We have some feeling for people's individual situations," she said.
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Saudi and Turk boys to swap homes 4 years after mix-up
RIYADH (Reuters) - Two boys, one Saudi and one Turk, will swap homes four years after a hospital gave them to the wrong parents, a Saudi newspaper said on Wednesday.
"Mistakes are always possible, but we will try to find who was responsible and hold them to account so it doesn't happen again," Prince Mishaal bin Saud, governor of Najran in the far south of the kingdom, said in comments in al-Watan newspaper.
Saudi health authorities had been reluctant to accept the Turkish father's claim that his son Yacoub was not his, but DNA tests carried out this week proved him right.
Published pictures show a distinctly Saudi-looking Yacoub.
The father of the other child, Saudi national Mohammed al-Monjem, had no inkling that pale-skinned Ali was not his. He will press a 50 million riyal (6.2 million pound) compensation claim against the health ministry, al-Watan said.
(Reporting by Andrew Hammond; Editing by Inal Ersan and Oliver Bullough)
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
Saddam sculpture mistaken for rubbish
A contemporary sculpture depicting Saddam Hussein's wife is causing confusion in a London park.
Passers-by have mistaken the collage of an oil drum, cable wheels, cardboard boxes, paint and adhesive tape for rubbish. The piece, by sculptor Graham Hudson, is the latest in a series of contemporary sculptures to occupy the same spot in Holland Park's Napoleon Garden.
Mr Hudson said in a recent interview: "It's a beautiful spot named after the most successful fascist dictator in history. So we've got fascism and leisure, what a great combination! How do they link to the here and now? I guess even dictators need a bit of R and R and a cuddle now and again. Sajida Talfah was Saddam Hussein's first wife (and cousin)."
What Sajida Talfah would make of the comparison is hard to say because in 2006 she was placed on Iraq's most wanted list and has not been seen since.
But passing members of the public were unimpressed. Barbara Whittall, on a day trip to London, said: "That's not a statue, is it? I thought they were just doing it up."
And her sister Jacqueline said: "It's too much. I can't take that. I prefer the statue of Lord Holland at the top of the park. Ask someone young - they might appreciate it."
But 25-year-old Amanda didn't like it either, saying: "It looks like someone has tried to wrap up a package very poorly and stuck it in the middle of the garden. It's not my idea of art."
A spokesman for Kensington and Chelsea council, which paid £2,000 for the installation, said: "As Holland Park had a tradition of showing sculpture, and one had always been sited in the Napoleon Garden, it seemed a pity to leave an empty space."