Subject: Daily Dose - 080210 - handle it so well, BIZARRE NEWS, excuses, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

The young man goes into a bar and picks up a tall woman. After a night of drinking and dancing they go back to his place. She unzips his fly and starts playing with his dick.

"Wow," he says, "you handle my penis so well...."

"I should," she replies, "I used to have one."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre "Onlys"

Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.

Baskin Robbins once made ketchup ice cream. This was the only vegetable flavored ice cream produced.

Bats have only one baby a year.

Giraffes are the only animals born with horns. Both males and females are born with bony knobs on the forehead.

Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

Swans are the only birds with penises.

Teeth are the only parts of the human body that can't repair themselves.

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache on a standard playing card.

The only part of the human body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.

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Rich guy complains of high N.Z. taxes

NORTH SHORE, New Zealand - Indian businessman Mike Panjwani plunked down a cool $11 million for a New Zealand penthouse but may not spend much time there, citing the nation's high taxes.

Panjwani, who two years ago sold a parcel of Auckland buildings worth more than $25 million and also does business in Singapore, Europe, Dubai and India, won't be able to move into his two stories of luxury digs in the 117-unit tower in Takapuna for a while because it's still under construction.

"We don't know how much time we're spending there," Panjwani told The New Zealand Herald. "My family can't afford to spend months in New Zealand. The taxes are very high."

The seaside penthouse came with a dedicated elevator, private parking spaces, a pool, spa and glass-enclosed decks. It will be renovated to include a home theater, gas fireplaces and reconfigured rooms, the newspaper said.

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Dog poop a problem on New York streets

NEW YORK - New York Department of Sanitation enforcement agents have named five city streets as among the worst in the city for pet droppings. Sedgwick Avenue, Aqueduct Avenue, Arion Road, 66th Street, Brightwater Court and West 12th Street are among the city roads where residents are most likely to accidentally step in doggie doo, the department told the New York Daily News.

"People walk their dogs and their dogs defecate in the middle of the sidewalk," said Toya Kelly, a resident who regularly walks her German shepherd, Saint, on Sedgwick Avenue. "There's a lot of kids around here and kids need to be able to run around," she said.

The Department of Sanitation is moving to tackle the problem by doubling fines for those who fail to scoop from $50 to $100. City officials said roads that feed into parks are also likely to be hotbeds of unscooped poop.

"There are many dog owners who believe parks should be used as outdoor toilets for their animals," said Geoffrey Croft, president of the non-profit New York City Park Advocates.

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Crank caller clocks in 2,000 pranks to 911

VALLEJO, Calif. - Emergency dispatchers in Vallejo, Calif., are trying to come up with a solution to take care of "Nomar," a prank caller who has plagued them since March.

The serial crank caller has already tallied almost 2,000 fake emergency calls to the Vallejo 911, the San Jose Mercury news reported Monday.

They believe that Nomar, who has also gone by "Steve," "Willie Davis," "David" and "Mike," is most likely a homeless man from San Francisco who calls in the emergencies from a donated cell phone.

"He can be quite convincing and he definitely knows the geography of Vallejo," said a frustrated Bill Powell, manager of Vallejo police communications. "If we can't determine it's a false call, we'll send people out."

And, believe it or not, Nomar isn't their worst prank 911 caller. An unidentified man from Hayward has actually called the California Highway Patrol 5,000 times since May, usually just breathing deeply or giggling.

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American wins world's best-beard contest

BRIGHTON, England - A young American put his best face forward this weekend in Britain and came away with the title of world's best beard.

Jack Passion of San Francisco won for best full, natural beard, considered the top category among the 17 divisions in the ninth annual event held in Brighton, The Guardian reported Monday.

"I feel fantastic," he said. "I'm 23 and I have the best beard in the world. I looked like a groom; too bad you never get married when you have a huge beard."

More than 250 men competed in the finals with thousands of people cheering them on, the British newspaper said. They were allowed to use wax and hairspray in most classes but dye and extensions are banned.

Other winners included Willi Chevalier of Sigmaringen of Germany, who sported a looping gray beard to win the partial beard freestyle category. Elmar Weisser, a 42-year-old German hairdresser, won the freestyle full beard prize by working his facial hair into a facsimile of London's Tower Bridge.

The event is organized by the Handlebar Club of Great Britain, which requires its members display "a hirsute appendage of the upper lip, with graspable extremities."

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Need a day off? Here are some excuses you can use...

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

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DDL

Said a snuff-taking Turk, "Why, with ease,

I can stifle the noisiest sneeze."

But at prayers, one day,

His asshole gave way,

And the shit filled his drawers to the knees.

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Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest people. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.

- Lily Tomlin

***

"When I realized that what I had turned out to be was a lousy, two-bit pool hustler and drunk, I wasn't depressed at all. I was glad to have a profession."

-Danny McGoorty

***

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

- Oscar Wilde

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News from the British Tabloids....

Garden birds too loud says council

A great grandmother was ticked off by her local council over noise - from birdsong in her garden.

The official note from environmental health warned of "a complaint alleging nuisance caused by birds singing."

Dorothy Berry, 65, of Fulham, West London, said: "When I saw the letter I thought someone was larking about. I have a lovely garden in which the blackbirds sing in the trees and on the aerial of the house. But I really don't see what we can do about that."

The letter to Dorothy claimed the problem was caused by birdsong "arising from your premises during the early hours".

It went on: "In the interests of preventing any possible disturbance to nearby residents you may wish to consider if any such noise is likely to cause offence."

But Dorothy has not kept birds inside her home since her beloved pet cockatiel died last year.

She added: "We have so much wildlife, it's so beautiful. The frogs croak in the pond - maybe they are doing that too loudly?"

A spokesman for Hammersmith and Fulham Council said: "We are aware that this matter has ruffled a few feathers. But we must investigate all complaints from residents - however bizarre they may appear."

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The hills are live with the Sound of Music - 24/7

A TV channel screening The Sound of Music non-stop has been launched in Salzburg where the movie was filmed.

The Julie Andrews classic will be shown in hotels and guesthouses 24 hours a day, seven days a week, all year round.

Hundreds of thousands of tourists travel to the city each year hoping to soak up the atmosphere of the 1965 film which is virtually unknown in Austria. It was decided to pump it out around the clock on a TV channel for subscribers such as hotels and guest houses after 70% of tourists said in a survey they went to Salzburg purely because of the film.

The film - called My Songs, My Dream in Austria - tells the story of how the anti-Nazi singing von Trapp family fled across the Alps to safety after Hitler annexed the country in 1938.

In the original film version released for Germany and Austria the final scene where the von Trapp family escape the Nazis was cut out. Now it has been restored.

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Brits blamed for 'man-eating' badgers

British forces have been accused of releasing a plague of ferocious, man-eating badgers in the Iraqi city of Basra.

Word spread among locals that UK troops had introduced strange man-eating, bear-like beasts into the area to sow panic. But several of the creatures, caught and killed by local farmers, have been identified by experts as honey badgers.

The rumours spread because the animals had appeared near the British base at Basra airport.

UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer said: "We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area."

Mushtaq Abdul-Mahdi, director of Basra's veterinary hospital, confirmed the animals were honey badgers.

"They are known locally as Al-Girta. Talk that this animal was brought by the British forces is incorrect and unscientific," he said.

It's believed the badgers have been driven towards the city by flooding in marshland north of Basra but the assurances have done little to convince some members of the public.

One housewife, Suad Hassan, 30, claimed she had been attacked by one of the badgers as she slept.

"My husband hurried to shoot it but it was as swift as a deer," she said. "It is the size of a dog but his head is like a monkey."

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Royal Thai Police Release Picture Of Suspected Bank Robber

FORGET the egg-headed e-fit of the Madeleine McCann suspect?

The Royal Thai Police have released the sketch of a man suspected of stealing 200,000 baht from the Ladprao branch of the Government Savings Bank (GSB) in Bangkok.

According to a report on a Japanese language Thai news site, this sketch is based on the recollections of eyewitnesses, who say the suspect wore a motorcycle helmet at the time of the robbery.

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