Subject: Daily Dose - 080206 - good place to live, News from the British Tabloids, green golf balls, DDL, Rotten News

At the urging of his doctor, John moved to Arizona.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

"Say, my doctor recommended I move here for my health. Is this really a good place to live?"

"It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

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News from the British Tabloids....

Prosecutors cannot find God

A Romanian convict's legal action against God has failed - because prosecutors could not find God’s address.

Pavel Mircea, from Timisoara, who is serving a 20 year sentence for murder, launched legal action against God two years ago. In his legal claim he stated: "God and I closed a contract when I was baptised and God did not respect his part of the deal. He was supposed to protect me from all evils and instead he gave me to Satan who encouraged me to kill."

And he demanded financial compensation for all the money he spent on candles and church services which he claims did not help him either.

But the prosecutors in Timisoara have decided to drop the case after two years. A spokesman said: "We could not find God’s address. He has no home address."

***

Germany to launch Death Channel

A round-the-clock television channel devoted exclusively to ageing, dying and death is to be launched in Germany.

Eos TV will feature documentaries about graveyards, televised obituaries, tips on finding a decent retirement home and even how to install in-house stair lifts.

Wolf Tilmann Schneider, 51, a former TV producer, has joined forces with Germany's funeral association to launch the 24-hour, seven days a week channel on cable television and the internet.

He said: "More than 800,000 people died in Germany last year. Multiply that by four and you have a rough estimate of the number of relatives affected. They will be our target audience. We are convinced that Eos TV will attract viewers."

The channel aims to capitalise on the changing demographics in a country that has one of the lowest birth rates in the world. Last year there were almost 150,000 more deaths than births, and an estimated 2.1 million elderly people were receiving professional care.

Viewers who tune into Eos TV can expect to be entertained by documentaries highlighting the beauty and tranquillity of graveyards both in Germany and abroad.

"It may come as a surprise, but older people really enjoy visiting cemeteries - not just to mourn, but for their peace and quiet," Mr Schneider said.

***

Nessie not on holiday in Wales

Coastguards were alerted after what appeared to be the Loch Ness monster was spotted in a river. The 8m (26ft) long beast was seen in a Welsh waterway hundreds of miles from its supposed Scottish home.

But this monster was a float, built for a festival, that had drifted from its moorings in Carmarthen. Searchers found the raft, which has a 2m (6.5ft) Nessie head at one end and a tail at the other, 8km (5miles) downstream in the River Towy.

Coastguards were reportedly 'in hysterics' when told what it really was.

***

Strippers robbed by unruly girl mob

Two male strippers were robbed, threatened with a bat and had their tyres slashed as they fled from unruly women at drunken bachelorette party that had got out of control, according to reports.

The police were called to the scene in Washington County, Oregon after a friend of the two strippers, who was acting as their security guard, called the emergency services. He said that his friends had stopped their act before finishing, as the crowd of young women were becoming drunk and uncontrollable. He told the maid-of-honour, 19-year-old Tessa Weller, that they were leaving – to which Weller's response was to call her boyfriend.

The boyfriend in question – Joshua Fultz – showed up as the strippers were trying to leave. They were finding this difficult because one of the party attendees had already slashed their tyres.

Fultz then reportedly threatened the strippers with a bat, and took back the $200 they'd been paid.

Fultz has now been arrested on weapons, menacing and robbery charges, while 19-year-old party guest Marisella Lee Vidalez was arrested over the tyre-slashing.

***

Student drank 4,000 lagers to build car

Student Jack Kirby drank 4,000 cans of lager and used the empties to build a car.

The life-size model 1965 Ford Mustang was finished yesterday after a three-year effort.

Design student Jack, 23, downed a Budweiser four-pack every day. "It was hard work," he said.

After a pause to admire his handiwork, Jack, who studies near his home in Hatfield, Herts, added: "I think I'll have a couple of cans to celebrate."

Budweiser said: "We would like to congratulate Jack on his efforts."

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A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

______________________________

DDL

The lovers of kooky Miss Fay,

Her neighbors believe are all gay.

For none, when they call,

Use her front door at all:

They always go in the back way.

______________________________

"A recent study has found that more senior citizens than ever are entering college. College faculty says that the seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots just for the Jell-O."

--Conan O'Brien

***

"A homemade bomb was found in the bathroom of a Starbucks in San Francisco. Police defused the device, saving over $85 million worth of coffee. 100 people were evacuated from the Starbucks. They were taken to the Starbucks to two doors down."

--Jay Leno

***

"Japanese Sumo wrestling officials may start allowing wrestlers now to wear pants. Ah, great – there goes the sex appeal."

--Dave Letterman

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Rotten News....  (true)

New Zealand toilet inventor flushes out worm worries

WELLINGTON (AFP) — The New Zealand inventor of a worm-driven composting toilet has flushed away concerns from bureaucrats that the system traumatised the wriggly creatures, local media reported Sunday.

Coll Bell, who built the "wormorator" as an alternative to septic tanks, was asked to get an expert's report on its mental impact on the tiger worms after an official became concerned during a site visit, the Sunday Star Times said.

"She felt that the worms were being unfairly treated, being expected to deal with human faeces, and that it could affect them in a psychological way," Bell told the newspaper. "I said, 'Well, what do I do about that?' and she said, 'You have to have someone with the necessary qualifications to say the worms are happy'."

In Bell's invention, a colony of worms filters solids from the toilet waste and the leftover water is filtered into underground trenches.

The Auckland Regional Council's concerns went down the pan after vermiculture consultant Patricia Naidu found the worms in excellent health and breeding happily.

A council spokeswoman told the newspaper the worm worries were justified because the system was going to be used at a campground, where sewage flowed heavily for two weeks each year, with little during the rest of the year.

**********

Property bust? Lunar land prices are rocketing

Mon Dec 17, 12:35 PM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - Property investors smarting from this year's housing bust in the United States might do well to look farther afield -- even out of this world.

Internet searches for lunar land prices show the cost of buying an acre of the moon's surface has risen 40 percent since the start of 2007, investment bank UBS told clients in a tongue-in-cheek analysis.

Lacing a year-end note with caveats, and not a little holiday cheer, UBS strategists said their "esoteric research" of archived news reports suggests lunar property trends may even be a leading indicator of U.S. house prices.

Rising sharply between 1997 and 2001, the cost of a slice of land on the moon suffered a mid-cycle retreat in 2002-03 after the dot.com bubble burst, the bank said. But prices defied gravity to hit record highs of $37 (18.35 pounds) per acre in December 2005 -- nine months before U.S. housing peaked.

Their fall to earth was a step ahead too, with lunar prices dropping 56 percent to $16 per acre between 2005 and January 2007, the report said.

"Our calculations suggest lunar land prices appear to be a reasonable lead indicator of U.S. house prices by around 12 months. This suggests a trough in U.S. house prices may occur around the beginning of 2008," the bank said.

Quick to caution against "preliminary" conclusions, UBS added: "This is most certainly not a forecast."

United Nations' treaties insist governments cannot claim ownership of the moon. But attempts to close a loophole allowing individuals or firms to do so have failed to garner support.

But, citing claims by a "leading lunar real estate agent," the UBS report said Germans are already the number one owners of moon property -- followed by Swedes, English and Poles.

**********

Fake Indian office issues birth, death certificates: report

Mon Dec 10, 3:55 PM ET

NEW DELHI (AFP) - A fake government office has been discovered in northern India that collected taxes, provided civic services and even handed out birth and death certificates, a report said Monday.

An office was set up outside Jhansi town in Uttar Pradesh state and 20 people were employed to carry out jobs such as street sweeping. Officials believe the operation originally started as a scam to collect fees from residents in return for one municipal janitor. But the leader of the operation, named as Shyam Valmiki, allegedly branched out, opening a functioning office that employed a team of janitors.

"He later seems to have decided to carry on with the office as it did not appear to be a loss-making proposition," an unnamed police officer was quoted by Times of India saying.

The scam only came to light after some employees complained about salary problems to superiors in the actual government department, the report said.

"We were shocked to hear this as we ourselves were not aware that our department had a branch office," R. Kulkshreshtra, an official with the Jhansi Municipal Corperation, told the newspaper.

It is not known how long the office had been running before being uncovered.

One man employed by the office as head supervisor of street cleaners said he had no way of knowing the branch was fake when he got his job.

"There was hardly any scope for suspicion," said Anirudh Singh Yadav. "After submitting the papers we went for a medical examination and were provided certificates."

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

High heels 'improve sex life'

Wearing higher heels may improve women's sex life, according to an Italian doctor.

Dr Maria Cerruto says 2ins high heels can help improve pelvic floor muscles, reports the BBC.

Dr Cerruto, a urologist and self-professed lover of high heels, set out to prove they were not as bad for women's health as some suggest. Her study of 66 women under 50 found those who held their foot at a 15 degree angle to the ground - the equivalent of a two inch heel - had as good posture as those who wore flat shoes.

And, crucially, they showed less electrical activity in their pelvic muscles suggesting they were at an optimum position, which could improve their strength and ability to contract.

Pelvic floor muscles assist sexual performance and satisfaction, and also provide vital support to the pelvic organs, which include the bladder, bowels and uterus. But they often weaken after pregnancy and childbirth, and as women get older.

Dr Cerruto said: "Women often have difficulty in carrying out the right exercises for the pelvic zone and wearing heels could be the solution. Like many women, I like high-heeled shoes," she added. "It's good to know they have potential health benefits."