Subject: Daily Dose - 080205 - KGB headquarters, BIZARRE NEWS, husband in line, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

An American and a Russian are talking about their governments.

"Ours is a free country," says the American. "Once, I was in Langley, VA, and couldn't find a public restroom, so I urinated near the CIA headquarters."

"Ours is a free country, too," says the Russian. "Once, I was on Lubyanka square in Moscow, and couldn't find a public restroom, so I took a shit near the KGB headquarters."

"And you got away with it?" asked the incredulous American.

"Of Course! Nobody saw it... I didn't even take my pants off."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Nude hula dancer arrested for stealing

DESOTO, Mo. - A nude man doing the hula was supposed to distract the clerk at Fish's Quick Stop in DeSoto, Mo., but instead it got the man and his friends arrested.

The naked man was allegedly supposed to distract store Clerk Vicky Gaines while one of his underage friends stole some beer, KMOV-TV, St. Louis, reported Thursday.

"Basically, a guy coming in, standing there naked and doing the hula," said Gaines, who was not distracted. "He was just standing there and saying, asking if you'd like some of this, and I told the cops, I have a naked man in my doorway with a mask on, can you come up here."

The naked man and his beer-thieving accomplice fled the scene before the police arrived, but another customer managed to get the license plate number of their car. They were caught and arrested a few days later and the nude man was charged with indecent exposure.

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Legless driver and pedal pusher get DUI's

DORCHESTER, Wis. - A man without legs and one of his friends were both arrested for driving the same vehicle while intoxicated in Dorchester, Wis.

Harvey J. Miller, 43, who has no legs, was steering the vehicle while Edwin H. Marzinske, 55, operated the pedals, The Marshfield News-Herald reported.

Both were issued citations for drunk driving. It was the third offense for Miller and the second for Marzinske, but both were also cited for driving after revocation.

Another drunk man who was in the vehicle walked home after the Aug. 18 incident.

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Woman allegedly lets 5-year-old drive

LAFAYETTE, Ind. - A woman from Lafayette, Ind., has been arrested for allegedly letting her 5-year-old son drive her around while she was intoxicated.

Holly Schnobrich, 24, was charged with two counts of felony neglect and public intoxication after neighbors noticed her son trying to drive her around in their car, WRTV Indianapolis reported. The boy and his 3-year-old brother were placed into the custody of the Department of Child Services, police said. The Tippecanoe County, Ind., Sheriff's Department said authorities were called Sunday after neighbors told them they saw the boy behind the wheel.

"It was just bizarre," a police officer told WRTV. "I asked, 'Is this toddler driving your car?' She said, 'He's a good driver.'"

Schnobrich reportedly admitted taking prescription painkillers and sleeping pills before the incident, the report said. The child reportedly told police he was having trouble because he couldn't reach the pedals.

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Baby born at sea on shrimp boat

FREEPORT, Texas - A ship's cook on a shrimp boat bound for Freeport, Texas, gave birth to a baby son while at sea.

Cindy Preisel's baby wasn't due until mid-September, but she unexpectedly went into labor Wednesday while her boat, the Raindear, was miles from shore and out of radio range, The (Brazoria County, Texas) Facts reported Thursday.

The ship's captain, Ed Keisel, who delivered the child, said he noticed the baby was coming out feet first. "I reached with my fingers and as gently as I could and popped out his left shoulder and then his right," Keisel said. "But then the little guy was stuck by his head, being strangled. So I did the only thing I could -- I waited for a contraction and then slid my fingers in around the top of his head and scooped him out."

The child was not yet out of danger, however, as he had not yet begun breathing. "I started giving mouth-to-mouth, three short puffs, and then thumping and rubbing its back," he said.

After 20 to 25 minutes of CPR, the captain said, the baby was breathing normally. "He is probably going to need an antibiotic just to be safe," Preisel said.

"I am so thrilled about how this turned out, though. He looks like he is happy and doing fine."

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The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church's appointed  marriage counselor.

"Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep  my husband in line?"

The counselor scowled. "Well young lady," he said, "maybe that's the problem, Your husband shouldn't have to wait in line."

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DDL

No matter how grouchy you're feeling,

You'll find the smile more or less healing.

It grows in a wreath

All around the front teeth -

Thus keeping the face from congealing.

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"The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you're not attractive. You are leaking."

-Fran Lebowitz

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"If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread to the rest of the nation, and the economy will collapse, and we will become a primitive society where we all run around naked with spears and refuse to attend meetings. Wouldn't that be GREAT?"

--Dave Barry

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"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with."

-Anonymous woman

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News from the British Tabloids....

THE FIRST LESBIAN BIGAMIST 

A MOTHER of five who entered into Britain’s first lesbian bigamist marriage was warned yesterday that she faces jail.

Suzanne Mitchell, 30, wed her lover Caroline Beddoes in a civil ceremony while still married to husband Charles. In a bizarre marital merry-go-round, Caroline, 24, moved in with Mitchell and shared her bed while Charles, who is 16 years older than his wife, slept on the sofa downstairs.

The two women, who met when they were both pregnant, have now split up, and Mitchell is back with husband Charles, 46, who insists he still loves her.

Mitchell, who blamed her gay fling on post-natal depression, appeared at Shrewsbury Crown Court, Shropshire, yesterday and pleaded guilty to making a false statement to forge the civil partnership. She bowed her head as she entered her plea in a case which has made legal history.

Mitchell said earlier: “Whatever the outcome, Charles and I are still happy together. I’m just grateful that I came to my senses and that I’m lucky enough to have a husband who would take me back.”

Charles, who did not attend the hearing, said at their home afterwards: “We want to put this behind us. We don’t speak to Caroline any more.

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Man flies to wedding a year early

A Welshman flew halfway around the world for a friend's wedding - a year early.

Toronto-based teacher Dave Barclay jetted 3,500 miles across the Atlantic, reports the Daily Telegraph. His mistake came after pal Dave Best, of Cardiff, sent him an email in which he mentioned he was getting married on July 6.

Mr Barclay said: "So I booked my ticket, paid £500 to fly into Cardiff, got the old suit cleaned, the goatee trimmed, the head shaved - I was going to be the belle of the ball. I called his mum to find his number and then I called him up and I said, 'When and where is this wedding? It's in a couple of days and I'd just like to know where I'm going'.

"He said to me, 'Mate it's not this year, it's next year. 2008 not 2007."'

Mr Barclay now feels more than a little embarrassed - but says he has at least provided some amusement for his friends.

"They're having a great time. They keep asking me the time, showing me today's newspaper, calling me the time traveller," he said. "At least it has assured me a mention in the speech next year, I reckon. Same time next year - I'll be there."

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NOW A DEGREE IN ART OF BEING A NORTHERNER 

SOUTHERNERS may well scoff into their fizzy lager.

But wearing a cloth cap, owning a whippet and drinking a proper pint of ale could put you on course for a top academic qualification. For students can now take a masters degree in northernness to teach them all about life on t’other side of the Watford Gap.

Leeds Metropolitan University says the aim of its one-year course is to embrace the unique culture and heritage of northern Britain while attempting to break free from traditional stereotypes.

Dr Marie Stinson, the university’s director of flexible learning, said the course will make use of its partnerships with outside organisations, which include a link-up with the Black Dyke Band, and will involve lectures from Tony Collins,

“Sport is one of the planks of northern culture we will explore alongside art, history and literature,” she said.

But devout Yorkshireman Sir Jimmy Savile poured scorn on the idea. He said: “Learning about northernness is not really hard work is it? It sounds more like a work avoidance scheme to me. I love Yorkshire and couldn’t be happier living anywhere else in the world, but I don’t need a degree to be able to tell people it’s fabulous.”

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

The lizards who love to lounge

Lizard Taylor and pals: Some of the 33 reptiles that live in Henry’s Los Angeles home do a little relaxing while they overlook the Hollywood hills When it comes to lounging lizards, surely none could be more laid back than those found at this reptilian heaven.

Lazing on chaises longues, snuggling under the bedcovers, swinging in a hammock, waterskiing or even strumming a guitar, these reptiles look like they live the life of Reilly.

In bed: What a night for the iguanas

They can be found at the US home of Henry Lizardlover in Los Angeles. Mr Lizardlover, 53 – who changed his surname from Schifberg – loves to pose the lizards.

Lizard Skynyrd: On Liz Paul guitar?

'It doesn't cause them any pain or discomfort,' he said. 'But out of 50 or 60 lizards, only one or two are going to be calm and comfortable enough to be posed up like this.'