Subject: Daily Dose - 080204 - birthday
party, News from the British Tabloids, recovery-room record, DDL, Rotten News
Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"
"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."
"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."
"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."
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News from the British Tabloids....
MATHS EXAM BOY BITTEN BY ADDER
A BOY took his maths GCSE in a hospital bed yesterday after being bitten by an adder.
Teo Ernouf, 15, suffered a rare reaction after being bitten while playing football on a beach. He was flown to hospital in Plymouth where he will take all his exams.
Teo, of Ashburton, Devon, was given anti-venom but had his leg cut open to prevent gangrene. Mum Kay Cook, 53, said: "He'd done the revision so he thought he might as well get on with it."
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'All you can eat' man fills up
A guest stunned hotel staff by scoffing 15 fried breakfasts in one sitting.
Businessman Barry Bradley, 47, paid £7.50 for the 'all you can eat' grease mountain, which took more than three hours to devour. He gobbled up at least 30 sausages, 20 rashers of bacon, 15 fried eggs and three tins of beans, reports Metro. He even topped it off with six bowls of cereal at the Premier Travel Inn in Tonbridge, Kent.
A waitress said: "We couldn't believe it - he looked like he was never going to stop."
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Girls rescued from scary cows
Seven schoolgirls sparked a major search and rescue mission - after they were frightened by cows.
The terrified pupils, aged 14 and 15, were on a geography field trip in Swanage, Dorset, when they sent out an SOS, reports Sky News. They were dropped off three miles from their outdoor centre and told to map-read their way back.
But the teenagers, from St Albans, Herts, got stuck on a hill when they came across a herd of cows in a field blocking their way.
A Hertfordshire County Council spokeswoman said: "The children were concerned because they realised they were going to have to walk through a field with cows in it. They called their parents and then the centre. Someone from the centre went out to meet them and persuaded them the cows weren't dangerous. They got to the other side of the field but were feeling tired and it started to rain so someone from the centre called the coastguards."
Maire Lynch, headteacher of Loreto College, in St Albans, said: "None of the girls suffered any injuries, although one girl who complained of feeling cold was taken to hospital to be checked over by medical staff. She was discharged later the same night."
She said two other girls were suffering from aching knees and all three were resting at the centre while the others continue their activities
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Squirrel 'spies' seized
Police in Iran are reported to have taken 14 squirrels into custody - because they are suspected of spying.
The rodents were found near the Iranian border allegedly equipped with eavesdropping devices, according to Sky News. The reports have come from the official Islamic Republic News Agency (IRNA).
When asked to confirm the story, the national police chief said: "I have heard about it, but I do not have precise information."
The IRNA said that the squirrels were kitted out by foreign intelligence services - but were captured two weeks ago by police officers.
A Foreign Office source told Sky News: "The story is nuts."
But if true, this would not be the first time animals have been used to spy. During the Second World War, the Allied Forces used pigeons to fly vital intelligence out of occupied France.
More recently, US marines stationed in Kuwait have used chickens as a low-tech chemical detection system.
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The fill pill
A new weight loss pill made out of nappy material swells up to the size of a tennis ball in the stomach. Scientists say the invention will make people feel full for about two hours, reports the Daily Mirror.
Italian researcher Alessandro Sannino, the first person to take the pill, said: "It's the same as you feel after a plate of spaghetti. It's not uncomfortable. You don't feel it expanding in your stomach, but after about 15 or 20 minutes, you feel full. You take the pill 30 minutes before each main meal so that by the time the food is ready you don't want to eat so much. I could eat lunch if I wanted, but only a small portion, or an ice cream."
Scientists in Naples stumbled across the idea while designing a new material for nappies. They discovered an absorbent compound which can swell up to 1,000 times its original size.
The pill, which could be used in the war on growing obesity levels by next May, is being tested on 90 people in Rome.
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An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.
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DDL
Cried a long-peckered person named Ed,
"I hate fucking flat on a bed.
With my twenty-inch tool,
I look like a fool
For I'm up near the ceiling, instead!"
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My ideal measurements for a woman are...
80 ~ 20 ~ 102
80 years old
20 million in the bank
102 fever
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"Men look at stuff like sex very differently from women. It's one of the enduring, unsolvable problems of the gender gap. A male person has more in common with a male dog than he does with a women."
--Jack Nicholson, Parade Magazine, December 9, 2007
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The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.
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Rotten News.... (true)
October 28, 2007
US annexes Canadian landmark in new video promoted by the State Department
By Matthew Lee, THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
WASHINGTON - Oh, Canada! The USA is closer than ever.
The Bush administration appears to have annexed a major Canadian landmark as part of a slick new campaign to promote U.S. tourism and welcome foreign visitors to America.
A Disney-produced promotional video released last week by the departments of State and Homeland Security highlights majestic American landscapes, from New England's colourful fall foliage and the Grand Canyon to the Rocky Mountains and Hawaii's pounding surf. Backed by a soaring orchestral soundtrack, shots of those attractions are interspersed with the smiling images of people of all creeds and colours.
The video, "Welcome: Portraits of America," is to be played at select airports in the United States - starting at Dulles International Airport outside Washington, D.C., and George Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston - and at U.S. embassies abroad.
About four minutes into the seven-minute production, viewers are treated to the impressive sight and sound of water roaring over Niagara Falls before the screen shifts to the Lincoln Memorial. In showing the natural wonder, Disney's filmmakers, however, chose the Horseshoe Falls, the only one of Niagara's three waterfalls to lie on the Canadian side of the border separating western New York state from southern Ontario province.
Making matters worse, a visitor to the U.S. would not even be able to get the same view of the falls in the video because the scene was shot from a vantage point in Canada, according to Paul Gromosiak, a Niagara Falls, N.Y., historian and author.
Also, he said the video leaves out the two cascades that actually are on U.S. territory, the American Falls and Bridal Veil Falls.
Although brief, the appearance of the Horseshoe Falls in a U.S. tourism promotion effort is likely to also vex Canadians, who long have fought to distinguish themselves from their larger and more powerful neighbour to the South.
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Airline brings lovers down to earth
Wed Oct 31, 2007 9:17am EDT
SINGAPORE (Reuters) - Singapore Airlines, the first operator of the new Airbus A380, has dashed the hopes of sexual thrill-seekers planning to engage in amorous activity aboard the world's biggest jumbo jet. The carrier said it would ask passengers on the A380 to refrain from sex while ensconced in one of its 12 first-class suites, which boast the world's first airborne double beds.
"All we ask of customers, wherever they are on our aircraft, is to observe standards that don't cause offence to other customers and crew," the company told Reuters in a statement. Nothing different applies for our Singapore Airlines Suites customers."
While private, the double cabins are neither sound proofed nor completely sealed.
Singapore Airlines, the world's second-largest airline by market value, started commercial flights of the double-decker A380 with a Singapore-Sydney service.
"So they'll sell you a double bed, and give you privacy and endless champagne and then say you can't do what comes naturally?" Tony Elwood, who traveled with wife Julie in a suite aboard the inaugural flight, told the Times of London. "They seem to have done everything they can to make it romantic, short of bringing round oysters," Julie said. "I'd say they shouldn't really complain, should they?"
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Former Australian prisoner to buy his cell
Wed Oct 31, 2007 12:27am GMT
MELBOURNE (Reuters) - A former Australian prisoner liked his jail cell so much he has decided to buy it.
Graeme Alford, who spent several years in Melbourne's former Pentridge prison for embezzlement and armed robbery in the 1970s, will buy his old cell, number 43, as part of a commercial redevelopment of the jail, local media reported on Wednesday.
Pentridge, one of Australia's most notorious prisons and site of the country's last hanging, is being redeveloped into a wine block that will eventually house A$50 million (22 million pounds) worth of rare wines.
Alford was a barrister whose love of gambling and drinking left him in debt to bookmakers and led him to steal from trust funds and use a sawn-off shotgun in a failed bank robbery.
After leaving prison in 1980, Alford turned his life around, swearing off the drink, writing books and starting a career as a motivational speaker. He will sign the sale contract for his old prison cell on Wednesday night, said Australian Associated Press.
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
Earliest Britain map is cock of the north
It's been a popular pastime for schoolboys down the ages – drawing crude phalluses on their textbooks.
But would the pioneering 14th century cartographers who put together this map of Britain – the oldest surviving map of the country – possibly stoop so low? We wouldn't want to say… but surely we can't be the only ones who think that the map makes Britain look a little bit penile?
The map is the so-called 'Gough map', dating from roughly 1360, but likely copied from an earlier map created around 1280, during the reign of Edward I. It's the earliest surviving map that shows Britain in a recognisable shape – even if Scotland's priapic appearance might provoke giggles.
Previous maps had been largely rubbish, favouring theology over geography – they would show how Britain fitted into the wider world of Christendom, but would forget to make the island even roughly the right shape.