Subject: Daily Dose - 080203 - bad week, BIZARRE NEWS, worm, DDL, Rotten News

Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."

"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.

Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"

"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions. To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"

"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!"

"I manufacture menswear."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Space Trivia

Seven U.S. Delta rockets and a French observation satellite have exploded in space.

In 1961, Cuban premier Fidel Castro charged that a chunk of a U.S. spacecraft had fallen on Cuba and killed a cow.

In 1962, a 21-lb. fragment of Soviet Sputnik IV landed at the intersection of Park and North 8th Streets in Manitowoc, Wisconsin.

Over 7,000 objects floating in space are being tracked from earth; only five percent are satellites.

Dodging space junk is a dangerous occupation. A 0.5 millimeter metal chip could puncture a space suit and kill an astronaut walking in space.

In 1978, a Soviet satellite came crashing back to Earth, contaminating hundreds of square miles of Canadian territory with radiation.

***

Band sickened by laxatives in cookies

CONNELLSVILLE, Pa. - Members of a Pennsylvania high school band who ate laxative-loaded cookies gave the song "Band on the Run" fresh meaning.

An undisclosed number of Connellsville Area High School Band members were sickened Thursday after eating cookies received from former band members, who now face criminal charges, said Superintendent James Duncan.

"We know who did it," Duncan said. "It's in the hands of the school security department now, and the people responsible will be charged when all is said and done."

While the incident abruptly ended band practice Thursday, Duncan said he was not aware of any students sick enough to require medical treatment, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported Monday.

***

Baby boa abandoned in booze bag

BOSTON - An abandoned baby boa constrictor in a purple velvet Crown Royal bag has joined the scaly troupe of performers in Boston's Rainforest Reptile Show.

The 30-inch long Colombian red-tail snake was in a pouch given to a police officer at Boston's St. Anthony's Fest celebration, the Boston Herald reported Monday. The black-tongued baby boa will be about 12-feet when mature, police dispatcher and herpetologist Christina Pagliuca told the newspaper.

"He's only a few months old," Pagliuca said. "He's very nice -- a very calm animal."

The snake dubbed "Velvet" will live out his years as part of the Reptile Rainforest Show, which will use him as part of their education program.

***

Peat bog race takes place in Wales

LLANWRTYD WELLS, Wales - One of the most bizarre yearly competitions has taken place in the Waen Rhydd Peat bog in Llanwrtyd Wells, Wales, the smallest town in Britain. Entrants raced to complete two lengths of a 60-yard trench while wearing snorkels and flippers, The Daily Mail reported Monday.

The competition has taken place ever year since 1985 on August Bank Holiday Monday and some people even dress up. This year, 11-year-old Ellie Jones dressed up as octopus for the race, and another entrant braved the peat in a Borat costume.

Proceeds from the bizarre sporting event go to a local charity.

***

Seven-person bike for rent in Scotland

EDINBURGH , Scotland - A Scottish entrepreneur has started an unusual business -- renting out a seven-person bicycle he shipped from Germany.

Iain Urquhart said he decided to bring the multi-rider bike -- which he renamed a "cozy bike" -- to Edinburgh after seeing it in action in Germany, The Scotsman reported Monday.

"Its real name is a conference bike, but it seemed a bit too formal. I call it a cozy bike as it's a very friendly and sociable bike to ride," Urquhart said.

He said the bike was designed by an American artist living in Amsterdam but has been stream-lined and made "a bit more elegant" by a German company. He said his is the first in Edinburgh and there are only four in Britain, though there are about 200 around the world. Urquhart said he plans to rent it out for events.

"It's great fun for parties and weddings, as well as festivals and parades," he said. "It's also very good for team-building. "The only disadvantage of Edinburgh is it's not great for hills, but the city is a lot more cycle-friendly than Glasgow."

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A fisherman's wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said, "Excuse me ma'am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you tell me where he is?"

She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends."

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DDL

An old maid hwo had a pet ape,

Lived in fear of perpetual rape.

His red, hairy phallus

So filled her mith malice,

She sealed up her snatch with Sc*tch Tape.

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"Last week, the city of Boston sparked controversy when it renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a holiday tree instead of a Christmas tree. Also, the city's nativity scene will now be referred to as the Holiday Homeless Family."

--Tina Fey

***

"A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual store. Well of course! There's no naked women at the stores."

--Jay Leno

***

"The hunting season in New York has begun. I love hunting season. And what is more American than accidentally shooting your drinking buddy?"

--Dave Letterman

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Rotten News....

Cardmakers, Bars Capitalize On 'Anti-V-Day'

POSTED: 8:29 am EST February 11, 2007

CLEVELAND -- Valentine's Day is coming, and plenty of folks are less than thrilled.

From bar-hopping bus tours for singles to cards with pictures of real -- and bloody -- hearts, there's a growing market for those not in the mood for love.

Valentine's Day trails only Christmas as big business for greeting card makers. About 190 million Valentines are sent each year, and 85 percent are bought by women.

Cleveland-based American Greetings is trying to tap into more customers with a line of anti-Valentines. The U.S. Census this year reported that single women outnumber married women for the first time.

It's not just cards. There are "Love Kills Slowly" shot glasses on the Internet and a cabaret show in San Francisco called "Love Bites the Hand that Feeds It."

**********

Iraqi fisherman nets shark 160 miles from sea

Tue Oct 30, 2007

NASSIRIYA, Iraq (Reuters) - A two-meter shark has been caught in a river in southern Iraq more than 200 km (160 miles) from the sea.

Karim Hasan Thamir said he was fishing with his sons last week when they spotted a large fish thrashing about in his net. "I recognized the fish as a shark because I have seen one on a television program," he told Reuters.

The shark was pulled from the mouth of an irrigation canal that joins the Euphrates River. The Euphrates joins the Tigris River further east to form the Shatt al-Arab waterway which flows south past Basra into the Gulf.

Dr. Mohamed Ajah, assistant dean of the college of science at Thi Qar University in Nassiriya, said barriers in river estuaries usually prevented sharks swimming upstream.

"In this case, I think this animal was there for a long time but no one had managed to see it," he said.

Locals blamed the U.S. military for the shark's presence.

Tahseen Ali, a teacher, said there was a "75 percent chance" Americans had put the shark in the water.

"This is very frightening for us. Our children always swim in the river and I believe that there are more sharks. I believe that America is behind this matter," said fisherman Hatim Karim.

**********

Holy smoke! Police find cannabis in nunnery

Tue Dec 4, 10:12 AM ET

ATHENS (Reuters) - A Greek Orthodox nunnery was turned into a marijuana plantation by two men posing as gardeners for elderly nuns, police said on Tuesday.

Acting on a tip-off, officers raided the nunnery in the village of Filiro, near the northern port city of Thessaloniki, and found more than 30 large cannabis plants in the enclosed garden.

"Two unknown men had told the two elderly nuns in the nunnery they would like to help them with the garden and then proceeded to plant the cannabis," a police official told Reuters. "The nuns did not know what they were and assumed they were large decorative plants," he said.

Police did not arrest the nuns and have launched a hunt for the culprits.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

The Carnival Of Holocaust

IT’S carnival time in Rio. And a judge has issued an order banning a Rio samba group from parading during carnival with a float depicting naked bodies of Holocaust victims.

Judge Juliana Kalichszteim issued the injunction in response to a lawsuit by the Jewish Federation of Rio de Janeiro, which asked for the float be removed from this city’s famed carnival parade next week, said Lara Voges, a spokeswoman for the judge.

The judge said the float could be used in the parade, but that organizers of the Viradouro samba group must remove mannequins meant to represent dead bodies from the Holocaust.

The Jewish Federation praised the judge’s decision.

“It’s inadmissible that they could have a parade float depicting dead Jews and a live Hitler on top of them,” said federation spokesman Jose Roitberg.

Reports in the media have said that Viradouro had planned to feature at least one dancer dressed as Adolf Hitler in the parade, using the theme: “It Gives you Goose Bumps.”

File under ‘Only ‘aving a laugh, mate; can’t you take a joke?’