Subject: Daily Dose - 080130 - fatherly
advise, News from the British Tabloids, no fire exit, DDL, Rotten News
I was watching the movie "John Q" this weekend. What a movie. I thought my heart was going to break and jump out of my throat when Denzel Washington thought he was going to die and started giving his son advice on how to be a good man. Advice on how to become a man that could look himself in the eye and not blink. Life advice. Advice that makes you cry from its simplicity and beauty. Advice that makes you think in black and white Advice a dying father gives to his son.
Yeah, my heart was breaking. Through my tears I remembered a piece of advice my father had given me after I'd gotten out of school and joined the work force. It too was solid advice and I've implemented it everyday since.
"Son," my father said looking me in the eye, "always crap on company time."
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News from the British Tabloids....
Car crash saves man's life
A US man saved his own life when he crashed his car into a tree as he choked on an onion ring.
Bryan Rocco had blacked out but the force of the collision dislodged the food that was stuck in his throat. Mr Rocco, 43, from Vineland, New Jersey, was not badly hurt in the crash, reports the Daily Journal.
"I was on my way back to the office and stopped at Burger King and bought a chicken sandwich and onion rings," he said. I started to choke on one of the onion rings and then I guess I just blacked out."
His company-owned Scion swerved and crossed the road, hit a kerb and then struck a tree.
"Next thing I knew, when I came back to," he said, "I was on my side, facing the opposite direction."
The air bag had apparently dislodged the bit of onion ring stuck in his throat.
Mr Rocco's boss, Dan Haer, said he had been emailing pictures of the crashed car to all of his friends.
"Bad news is, he crashed and most likely totaled the company-supplied 2006 Scion XB; good news is he didn't choke to death on his lunch," Mr Haer said.
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Biker's penis hit by lightning
A Croatian motorbiker's penis was zapped by lightning as he stopped beside the road to take a leak.
Ante Djindjic, 29, from Zagreb, said: "I don't remember what happened. One minute I was taking a leak and the next thing I knew I was in hospital. Doctors said the lightning went through my body and because I was wearing rubber boots it earthed itself through my penis."
Djindjic, who suffered light burns to his chest and arms, added: "Thankfully, the doctors said that there would be no lasting effects, and my penis will function normally eventually."
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Police probe 'Superman' sighting
Police are investigating after villagers in Romania claimed to see a Superman-like figure flying through the sky.
Almost 20 villagers, from Gemeni, Mehedinti county, claim the UFO was wearing a shiny blue suit, just like Superman's. Police officers took written statements from all of the witnesses and say they described the figure in the same way.
Local policeman Ion Anuta said: "We talked to people of different ages who are all reliable citizens in our village. They all said they saw this strange creature who flew over their houses in his shiny blue costume. We'll just have to see what happens next."
Villager Constantin Toader, 41, said: "He looked like Superman and was flying slowly at about 100 yards from the ground in a standing position. He didn't make any smoke or sound. Just cruising around."
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A streetcar named SLUT
A new tram system in Seattle has inspired cult T-shirts after locals claimed its initials originally spelt 'SLUT'.
Developers deny it was never going to be called the South Lake Union Trolleycar - but the damage has been done, reports the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. Officially, it's now called the South Lake Union Streetcar and developers Vulcan insist the SLUT rumours are an urban myth.
But hundreds of T-shirts, with the logo 'Ride the SLUT', are being made and are selling fast at local coffee shops.
Jerry Johnson, 29, said the T-shirts were done just for fun, but the first 100 sold out in days and now orders for the next 100 are underway.
"We're welcoming the SLUT into the neighbourhood," he said.
Seattle transportation spokesman Gregg Hirakawa and Vulcan spokeswoman Kym Allen insist 'streetcar' was chosen because it sounded modern whereas 'trolleycar' was old-fashioned.
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Man refuses £2m lottery win
A German pensioner who won £2 million on the lottery refused the cash because he didn't know what to do with it.
The 70-year-old man from Hameln, Lower Saxony, went to the HQ of the German lottery association in Hanover after finding out about his win and told them he did not want the money.
He reportedly said: "What would I do with so much money? My wife has already passed away, my parents are dead, I have no children and no other relatives. I don't want it."
He said he had only bought the lottery ticket out of a habit because his late wife had been a passionate player.
Lottery officials said they were trying to persuade him to keep the money.
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After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!
If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.
In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by returning your approval."
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DDL
There once was a gal from North Eire,
Who fondled a Middlesex Squire;
'Twas a sausage she seeked,
But then when she peeked,
All she found was a thin copper wire.
Such discovery might bring on some ire,
'Cause wire can't put out that fire,
But this lady was bright,
And she hooked it up right,
And discovered that 'Sqwires' never tire.
She satisfied needs which were dire,
And learned what it means to inspire;
When she flipped on the light,
His dang thing did ignite!
The inspired Squire's Wire was on Fire!
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When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."
When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please any of them.
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Top Economist Valentine's Day Cards
4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.
3. Let's raise housing starts together.
2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.
***
10 things not to do in the nude:
10. Fry bacon
9. Arc weld
8. Bathe a cat
7. Operate a snow blower
6. Clear a patch of poison ivy
5. Insulate the attic with fibre glass
4. Operate a lathe
3. Present a children's television show
2. Take Mass with the Pope
And the Number 1 thing not to do in the nude:
1. Pick up a dime from a San Francisco sidewalk
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Rotten News.... (true)
Man forgets car at petrol station
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man forgot his car after filling it up at a petrol station, police said on Friday.
"He just forgot about it and walked off home," said a spokesman for police in the western city of Wuppertal.
After the car had sat blocking the pump for about an hour, a woman working at the petrol station became suspicious and alerted authorities.
Officers contacted the 63-year-old from Remscheid, who came straight back to fetch the vehicle. He had paid to fill up the car before walking off.
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Ill. student gets detention for hugging
Tue Nov 6, 5:56 PM ET
MASCOUTAH, Ill. - Two hugs equals two days of detention for 13-year-old Megan Coulter. The eighth-grader was punished for violating a school policy banning public displays of affection when she hugged two friends Friday.
"I feel it is crazy," said Megan, who was to serve her second detention Tuesday after classes at Mascoutah Middle School. "I was just giving them a hug goodbye for the weekend," she said.
Megan's mother, Melissa Coulter, said the embraces weren't even real hugs — just an arm around the shoulder and slight squeeze.
"It's hilarious to the point of ridicule," Coulter said. "I'm still dumbfounded that she's having to do this."
District Superintendent Sam McGowen said that he thinks the penalty is fair and that administrators in the school east of St. Louis were following policy in the student handbook.
It states: "Displays of affection should not occur on the school campus at any time. It is in poor taste, reflects poor judgment, and brings discredit to the school and to the persons involved."
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Women in Nepal village mail condoms to husbands
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
KATHMANDU, Nepal — Women in a Nepal mountain village have been mailing condoms to their husbands working overseas to protect them from sexually transmitted diseases, a Nepalese newspaper reported Tuesday.
The Kantipur newspaper reported that the women in the village of Pang began writing the letters after social workers counselled them about sexually transmitted diseases. Although the women urged their husbands to remain faithful, many were also enclosing condoms just in case, it said.
“As I learned that unsafe relations make a person vulnerable to HIV, I sent a condom along with the letters to my husband,” one of the village wives, Laxmi Sunar, told the newspaper.
An estimated three million people from impoverished Nepal work overseas, most as manual labourers, and send money home to support their families.
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
Smurfs up!
Hundreds of Croatians painted themselves blue and put on silly hats to beat a world record - only to find they were too late.
A total of 395 people turned up dressed as smurfs in the town of Komin to try and beat the record for the most smurfs in one place. But when they contacted Guinness officials to register their world record, they were told "sorry - too late". They had been beaten by an English group in Warwick.
A spokesman for the organisers said: "We read on the internet that the record was 290 people held by a group of Americans, and decided to beat it, and we had TV, radio and print media report our success."
Organisers have now had to admit their volunteers wasted their time.
The current record, according to Guinness World Records, is 451 people set by Warwick University Students? Union last July.
One organiser of the failed Croatian record attempt said: "We could easily have got more Smurfs, but we thought that over a hundred more than the American record we found on the internet would be enough."