Subject: Daily Dose - 080129 - Lucky, BIZARRE NEWS, Guidelines for Enlightenment, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

Lucky

Paul and Simon are talking about their respective weekends when the subject of picking up ladies pops up. "I must say I'm doing fine in that department," says Paul. "This weekend I hooked up with that Jenny Harris girl."

"Jenny Harris!" Simon exclaims, "What happened?"

"Let's just say I got lucky."

"I've heard about Jenny," Simon says, "and I wouldn't call it 'lucky.'"

"I would," Paul says.

"In that case," Simon replies, "you're the luckiest guy with herpes I know."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Diner Slang Answers

Paint it red                 Put ketchup on an item

Java, Joe or a cup of mud    Coffee

A blonde with sand           Coffee with cream and sugar

Shake one in the hay         Strawberry milkshake

Cackle fruit                 Eggs

Wreck 'em                    Scrambled eggs

Adam & Eve on a raft         Two poached eggs on toast

On the hoof                  Any kind of meat cooked rare

Bloodhound in the Hay        Hot dog and Sauerkraut

Whistleberries               Baked beans

Frog sticks                  French fries

Paint a bow-wow red          Gimme a hot dog with ketchup

Irish turkey                 Corned beef and cabbage

Zeppelins in a fog           Sausages and mashed potatoes

Burn one                     Put a hamburger on the grill

Pin a rose on it             Add onion to an order

Burn one; drag it through    Hamburger with lettuce, tomato

the garden and pin a rose    and onion  

on it.  

***

Police: Parents forced girl to fight

MT. OLIVE, W.Va. - Police in Kanawha County, W.Va., have arrested a couple after they allegedly forced their daughter to fight a schoolmate.

Debra Sue and Thomas Leon Grubb of Mt. Olive, W.Va., were arrested and accused of forcing the July 22 confrontation between their daughter, Gabrielle, and a schoolmate, Megan Willis, The Charleston (W.Va.) Daily Mail reported Thursday.

State Police Trooper J.M. Comer said the two girls had been feuding over "kid things. You know, one is a cheerleader, one is not... childish stuff that should have ended long before this."

Willis told police she was riding all-terrain vehicles with two friends when their path was blocked by the Grubbs' family vehicle. Willis said Gabrielle Grubb's parents approached her and said she wouldn't be able to run from their daughter anymore.

"Gabrielle pleaded with her mom to please forget the situation, that she wished not to fight Megan," Comer wrote in the criminal complaint filed against the parents. "Debbie then removed Gabrielle from the vehicle" and the girls began to fight, Comer said.

Willis sustained cuts to her mouth and foot. Gabrielle Grubb was not injured.

***

Boy kills snake at petting zoo

CINCINNATI - A 10-year-old boy who said he hated snakes killed a 10-foot python at petting zoo by stomping on the reptile's head.

Scott Braunstein, a reptile handler who brought the snake to the St. Bernadette Festival in Amelia, Ohio, last weekend, said he was shocked by the boy's violence, The Cincinnati Enquirer said Thursday. The snake, named Popcorn, was a non-poisonous albino Burmese python.

Braunstein, who operates House of Reptiles in Dry Ridge, Ky., said the boy approached him and told him that he hated snakes. The child then raised his leg and stomped down on the snake's head, Braunstein said.

A man believed to be the boy's father grabbed the child and said, "This is why I don't take you anywhere," before disappearing into the crowd, the newspaper said.

"I've never, never had anything like that happen," Braunstein told the newspaper.

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Blinky the two-headed cow born in Calif.

TULARE, Calif. - Dairy workers at Hamstra Dairy in Tulare, Calif., were confused and astounded when Blinky the two-headed calf was born.

"We call her Blinky because all four eyes blink at the same time," said Greg Hamstra, owner of the dairy.

The heifer has one neck and two ears, but also has four eyes, two mouths and two noses, the Fresno Bee reported Thursday.

Hamstra joked that he wasn't charging admission for workers to view the two-headed calf, which was found Tuesday morning. "We're probably getting less done today than normal," he said.

Blinky was discovered by one of the workers, Hamstra said. Local veterinarian Pete Kistler said the calf is "a rare, freaky thing," adding that he isn't sure if the deformity is genetic or developmental.

***

Woman banned from smoking in her garden

VAXJO, Sweden - A Swedish woman has been banned from smoking in her garden in a trial headed by the Environmental Court in Vaxjo.

The 49-year-old single mother from Akarp, Sweden, said she is enraged by the decision but admitted that she will obey the ruling to avoid having to pay a fine, The Local reported Thursday.

"I actually do go and sit outside the area marked with an X. But I don't do it because I think it's right -- I'm just worried I'll be forced to pay and that makes me furious," she said.

The ban came after the woman's neighbor, a lawyer with an aversion to smoke, contacted the Environmental Court over the issue after attempting to sue the woman for smoking near him. The lawyer also told the court that his sensitivity to cigarette smoke forced him to wear a breathing mask every time he left his house.

"He walks around with the mask on regardless of whether I'm smoking or not. It used to annoy me but now I don't care any more," the woman told Sydsvenskan. But, the court took the lawyer's side and most of the woman's garden is now off limits for smoking.

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Ten Guidelines for Enlightenment

1. Be a Fundamentalist--make sure the Fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and that will ensure regular hilarity.

2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift, just for entering - so you are already a winner!

3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision.  That is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can simply change the channel.

4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.

5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Absurdiveness Training class: *Don't get even, get odd.*

6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it.

8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.

9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is: there is no key to the Universe. The good news is: it has been left unlocked.

10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So we don't have to go through channels.

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DDL

There was a young chap in Arabia,

Who courted a widow named Fabia.

"Yes, my tongue is as long

As the average man's dong.'

He said, licking the lips of her labia.

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"There's a religious group that goes door-to-door selling cosmetics. They call themselves the Jo-joba's witnesses."

-Jeannie Dietz

***

"Electricity can be dangerous. I once watched my nephew try to stick a penny into a plug.  Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded."

-Tim Allen

***

"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother's Day."

-Paul Clay

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News from the British Tabloids....

Wheelchair-bound burglar

Police in Germany say they have arrested a burglar in a wheelchair.

Officers say they caught Michael Maier, 43, in his wheelchair, red-handed. He was allegedly using a chisel and a screwdriver to open the front door of an office in Saarbruecken.

A police spokesman said: "He had already broken open the door of a shop further down the street, but had given up and moved to the next building as the first didn't have wheelchair access."

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Film buff's £22,000 Grant

In Hollywood's golden era, thousands paid to watch him in classics such as North By Northwest and To Catch A Thief. Now a fan of legend Cary Grant has achieved the ultimate role reversal - by being paid thousands to watch him.

Film tutor Dr Kathrina Glitre is getting a £22,548 grant to study his movies for eight months. And she told how the Bristol-born film idol had spurred on her other work.

Kathrina, 36, said: "I was a huge fan in my teens and it was my love of his films that inspired my MA on screwball comedy and PhD on Hollywood romantic comedy. He's described as the best and most important actor in cinema history. I'll explore aspects of his performance across a range of films." Grant starred in more than 70 movies and was Alfred Hitchcock's favourite actor.

Kathrina, based at the University of West England, will also examine the role of finance in films and write a 35,000-word thesis. Her cash comes from the Government-funded Arts and Humanities Research Council.

Jan 18, 1904 was the date star was born Archibald Alec Leach. He changed his name on moving to Hollywood in 1931. Grant died in 1986 at 82.

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Store refused to sell wine to OAP

Supermarket staff refused to sell wine to a 72-year-old man - because he would not prove he was over 21.

Check-out staff at Morrisons demanded Tony Ralls prove he was old enough to buy two bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon. The white-haired grandfather-of-three said he had refused to confirm he was over 21 as it was a "stupid question."

Mr Ralls asked to see the manager of the store, in West Kirby, Wirral, reports the BBC.

"I felt like saying: 'What do I look like? Are you a fool?' He picks up the wine and, in the manner of a child taking home his ball, says: 'Well, we won't serve you'."

The pensioner abandoned his shopping on the conveyor belt and left the store but not before demanding a complaints form and phone number for Morrisons' headquarters.

Mr Ralls said: "It is bureaucracy gone mad. If the check-out lady, who was about 40, had asked me with a twinkle in her eye perhaps I would not have been so tetchy. And if the manager had explained that all the staff had to ask everyone because they had previously been fined, but said I was clearly over 21, it would have been fine - but he showed no sense of humour."

A Morrisons spokesman said: "We take our responsibility with regard to selling alcohol very seriously and all our stores operate the Task 21 scheme, which addresses the difficulties our staff face in being able to determine if a customer is legally old enough to buy alcohol."

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Ice church bans candles

A church made completely from ice in Romania has proved so popular it's had to ban candles to stop it from melting.

Managers of the church in the Carpathian Mountains have been flooded with requests to carry out weddings and baptisms. So many services were taking place that the candles were burning almost non stop - damaging the church interior.

The 200 sq ft church was built near Balea Lake, 6,673 feet above sea level, by local businessman Arnold Kingleis who has also built a nearby ice hotel.

Inge Florea, spokesman for the ice church, said: "We have been flooded with requests for baptism ceremonies, weddings or other religious events. It's a novelty for people and something special they can look back on."