Subject: Daily Dose - 080128 - nightgown, News from the British Tabloids, TOILET PAPER FACTS, DDL, Rotten News

Fanny and Myron get married and on their first night in bed, Myron puts his arm around Fanny and very sweetly whispers, "Fanny darling, please pull up your nightgown."

Very sweetly Fanny answers, "Nooo."

Myron asks again, a little sterner, "Fanny pull up your nightgown."

Fanny again says, "No."

Myron is now angry and says, "Fanny, pull up your nightgown or I'm going out the door and you'll never see me again."

"No." says Fanny.

So Myron gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him. Fanny immediately gets up and locks the door.

Not too long after, Myron is back. He tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says, "Fanny, my darling, open the door, it's me."

Fanny says, "Nooo."

Myron knocks a little louder, "Fanny, sweetness, please open the door."

"No." says Fanny.

Myron starts kicking the door and shouts, "Fanny, open this door right now or I'll break it down."

Fanny says, "Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you can't pull up?"

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News from the British Tabloids....

Surgeon replaced fingerprints for footprints

A plastic surgeon who replaced the fingerprints of an alleged drug dealer with skin from the bottom of his feet pleaded guilty to concealing a fugitive.

Dr Jose Covarrubias, who practiced his medical specialty in Mexico, now faces a maximum sentence of five years in prison. The charges stemmed from surgery Covarrubias performed on Jamacian Marc George, 42.

The doctor replaced George's fingerprints with skin from his feet to help him avoid apprehension, authorities said.

The doctor's attorney, Stephen Ralls, said Covarrubias had "a lapse of judgment" and had no prior criminal record. Covarrubias, 49, had been indicted by a grand jury in Harrisburg for his involvement with a drug ring, which prosecutors said conspired to buy marijuana.

George, an alleged courier of drugs and cash for the drug ring, spent several weeks in a hotel in Mexico recuperating from the surgery. He was still limping badly when he was arrested at the Nogales border crossing in September 2005 on a charge of money laundering.

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Man kicked to death for watering lawn

A pensioner was kicked to death by his neighbour as he watered his lawn after they argued over hosepipe restrictions in drought-stricken Sydney.

Retired truck driver Ken Proctor, 66, was watering his lawn when an argument began with neighbour Todd Munter. Mr Proctor reportedly sprayed Munter with the hose and was then punched, pushed to the ground and kicked. An off-duty policeman intervened and arrested Munter. Mr Proctor was taken to hospital but later died.

Munter, 36, of Sylvania, appeared in court today charged with killing Mr Proctor. He did not enter a plea.

Mr Proctor was complying with Sydney's water restrictions when he was killed. Watering with hand-held hoses is allowed on Wednesdays and Sundays before 10 am and after 4 pm.

All major cities in Australia have water use restrictions as the nation experiences its worst drought in a century.

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Family values party dumps candidate for porn pics

CANBERRA (Reuters) - A family values campaigner accused of taking pornographic photographs of himself has been dumped as a candidate for Australia's November election by the Christian-values Family First Party.

Sydney music teacher Andrew Quah, 21, admitted photographs showing his penis and circulating widely on gay websites had embarrassed his party and made his candidacy untenable.

"But that's not my penis," Quah told the Sydney Morning Herald newspaper, adding one of the images may have been digitally altered. I might have been drunk off my face, or my political enemies might have drugged me," Quah said. "It was a mistake that I would not have committed had I been of right mind. All I know, I have been humiliated."

Family First leader and upper house Senator Steve Fielding spoke to Quah at the weekend and dumped him as the party's candidate for a western Sydney seat because his actions contradicted the party's strong family values platform.

"Andrew has admitted to the party that two of the photos were of himself, but he denied that a third photo was of himself," party spokeswoman Felicity de Fombelle told Reuters.

Quah, nicknamed "Australia's Smallest Loser" in a parody of a popular television series after the photos came to light, had been a member of Family First for 11 months, de Fombelle said

Family First was founded in 2002 and its first lawmaker to win election was former Assemblies of God pastor Andrew Evans, who won a place in South Australia's state parliament. In 2004 the party won one national Senate seat, running on a secular platform with strong religious roots.

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Thief accepts invitation

A thief has stolen a book titled "Steal this Book" from a modern art exhibition in Switzerland.

The organisers of the Basel Shift Festival have decided not to report the theft to the police yet, and hope the thief will return the book.

The book with the words "Steal this Book" emblazoned across its cover had been placed in an incubator by artists from the Viennese artist's group Ubermorgen.

A spokesman for the artists said: "The central part of the work was a book with the title 'Steal this Book' as a way of representing in art an internet hacking operation that made entire books readable on amazon.com, instead of just single pages. It was an attempt to praise those that fought for the right for literary freedom, and not an invitation to steal the book."

The book was written by Abbie Hoffman in 1970 and published in 1971, and includes advice on growing marijuana, starting a pirate radio station, living in a commune, stealing food, shoplifting, stealing credit cards, making pipe bombs, and obtaining a free buffalo from the US Department of the Interior.

Many bookstores refused to carry the book, because so many patrons followed the advice of the book's title and stole it.

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TOILET PAPER FACTS  

According to a 1999 survey by the Scott Paper Company:

* You can gauge a person's education by whether they read in the bathroom.

* More than 2/3 of the people with a master's degree and doctorates read in the stall.

* Only one in two high school grads read while in the bathroom, and 56 percent of those with college degrees do.

* Fifty four percent of Americans fold their toilet tissue neatly while 35 percent wad it into a ball before using it.

* Seven percent steal rolls of toilet paper (hotels/motels)

* More than sixty percent prefer that their toilet paper roll over the top, twenty nine percent from the bottom. The rest don't care.

What does all this mean? It means we Americans don't have anything better to think about than wiping our ass.

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DDL

An athelete there was of East Anglia,

Whose sinews were masses of ganglia.

But his racing he ceased

When his penis decreased,

While his balls grew progressively danglier.

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"Hillary Clinton is a money-making machine. She is a fund-raising juggernaut. Here's what she made: $80 million so far this year. $80 million! It's amazing, isn't it? Here's how it breaks down: $30 million for advertising, $50 million for pantsuits"

--David Letterman

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"A new poll of Democratic voters in Iowa has found that senior citizens prefer Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately for Hillary, the seniors still rank her third behind apple sauce and creamed spinach."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"It's fall - harvest festival time! I've only grown one plant in my life, and I'd rather not talk about it... for legal reasons."

-Craig Ferguson

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Rotten News....  (true)

German flasher strips off in court

Thu Nov 8, 1:49 PM ET

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German flasher stunned lawyers during his appeal hearing on a flashing conviction by stripping off in court, authorities said on Thursday.

"The court withdrew for deliberations and during the adjournment the man removed his clothes again," said a spokesman for the court in the western city of Duisburg. "It appears he sees it as art, and views himself as a living work of art."

The 60-year-old was in court to appeal against his conviction for running onto the pitch naked during a girl's soccer match and striking a range of "body builder poses", the spokesman said.

State prosecutors filed fresh charges of indecent behaviour against the man after the court incident.

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Saudi cleric condemns camel beauty contests as evil

Thu Nov 8, 11:48 AM ET

RIYADH (Reuters) - A leading authority of Saudi Arabia's hardline school of Islam has condemned camel beauty contests as evil, saying those involved should seek repentance in God.

Camel pageants have become major events in the desert kingdom in recent years as tribes hold ever larger competitions, with bigger prizes and wider publicity. Delicate females or strapping males which attract the right attention during a show can sell for more than a million riyals (127,000 pounds). Sponsors spent 10 million riyals on prizes for one competition this year.

"Everyone must repent of these acts from which no good can come because of its evils, and they should beg forgiveness from God," said a fatwa, or religious ruling, issued this week by Sheikh Abdul-Rahman al-Barrak and a lesser-known sheikh.

"Millions of riyals are spent on buying camels just to feel proud and not for the reasons God created camels, like for food, drink, riding and work," he said, attacking the contests as a backward tribal custom from pre-Islamic Arabia.

Commentators have pointed to camel contests as a sign of increasing tribal pride, seen as a threat to stability in the kingdom established by the Saudi royal family in 1932.

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"Ugly" Chavez among Venezuela's sexiest men: poll

Thu Nov 8, 3:25 PM ET

CARACAS (Reuters) - Hugo Chavez calls himself ugly and his looks earned him the nickname "Goofy" in the military, but the president's image is changing -- he is now considered one of Venezuela's sexiest men.

A poll said on Thursday the fifth-most desired man is Chavez, whose large nose, protruding lips, forehead mole and gap in his front teeth are easy fodder for caricature artists in a South American nation obsessed with beauty,

The poll was commissioned by Fedecamaras, Venezuela's principal business group that was for years openly hostile to Chavez and even helped install one of its leaders as de facto president during a brief 2002 coup against him.

The poll data came from a broader survey of consumer habits and preferences conducted by Venezuelan research group Keystone that consulted 14,123 people in 3,170 homes and included interviews with businesses and telephone surveys.

Chavez, leader of a self-described socialist revolution, is wildly popular among the nation's majority poor. He is also well known for his sometimes vulgar innuendo and flirtation with female supporters -- on live television.

Venezuelans are highly conscious of their appearance, with nips-and-tucks and breast implants common in a nation of beach goers where the annual beauty pageant traditionally draws more viewers than any other TV event.

Those that beat out Chavez for top stud included entertainer Winston Vallenilla of an opposition TV station that the leftist leader shut down earlier this year.

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Testicles face snip

A controversial Virginia lawmaker is trying to introduce new legislation to ban rubber testicles from being fitted to the back of trucks.

Lionel Spruill, known for his failed attempt in 2005 to ban baggy pants, says the motivation for his latest idea came from a constituent. The man complained that he had been left speechless when his six-year-old daughter spotted a pair and asked him what they were.

Mr Spruill agreed to act: "I said, 'Sir, I'm going to be the laughing stock, but I'm going to do it'," he told the Virginian-Pilot.

Truck drivers who sport fake testicles on the back of their vehicles would risk a $250 fine under his proposal.

"They're offensive to some folks," said Mr Spruill, a Chesapeake Democrat. "It's OK to express yourself, but citizens have the right not to be subjected to something vulgar."

Spruill said he became concerned when he learned that the truck accessories had got larger as their popularity had increased.

"How big are they going to go?" he said. "When will it stop?"

But John Saller, owner of bullsballs.com, laughed off Mr Spruill's campaign. He said he sold several hundred thousand last year, ranging in size from two-and-a-half to 10 inches.

"It's a novelty. It's funny. It doesn't have anything to do with being macho," he insisted.