Subject: Daily Dose - 080124 - Heaven, THIS is TRUE, Email and Dick, DDL, News from the British Tabloids

I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, Not by the beauty of it all, by the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp-- the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.

I nudged the angel, "What's the deal? I would love to hear your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake.

And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."

"Hush, child," said he. "They're all in shock. No one thought they'd see you."

______________________________

THIS is TRUE...

DON'T LOOK NOW: The "Butt Cam" is a success. A new service at a clothing store in Scottsdale, Ariz., the Butt Cam allows shoppers trying on clothes to see what they look like from behind. "A lot of people dread trying on jeans and so any more entertaining you can make it the better," explains shop owner Tom Simon. "We're even thinking of doing a 'best of' and putting it on DVD," he said. "'Best Butts of '08' or whatever, yeah." (Arizona Republic)

...Yep: if there was one way to kill this idea, it would be to make customers fear they were being recorded.

***

MAKE A NOTE OF THIS: A tip after a $34,000 bank robbery in Callahan, Fla., led the FBI to Barbara S. Joyner, 59. They went out to have a chat with her. The robber had driven off in a yellow car; Joyner had one. A search of the car found a notepad of the type used for the holdup note. And in Joyner's purse they found several holdup notes, written on the same pad. In her house, they found bundles of cash still in bank wrappers. Yet Joyner insisted that she had not robbed the bank, even though she admitted writing the holdup notes for "practice". She was arrested and charged with bank robbery. (Jacksonville Times-Union)

...Sometimes practice doesn't make perfect.

***

THAT'S MY BOY: When Pat and Sheena Wheaton of New Zealand saw their unborn son in an ultrasound, they knew he was "for real". Thus, after he was born they registered his name as 4Real Wheaton, which Pat admits  is "a little bit cheeky." But Brian Clarke, the Registrar-General of Births, Deaths and Marriages, rejected the registration, saying the dictionary definition of "name" is "a sequence of characters" -- no digits allowed. The Wheatons say that if their 4Real appeal fails, they'll still call him 4Real, but will register his name as "Superman". (New Zealand Herald)

...What we have here is most definitely a sequence of characters.

***

OR ARE YOU GLAD TO SEE ME? A robber succeeded in escaping with 613 pounds (US$1,236) from a bookmaker's shop in Leicester, England. The clerks there assumed he had a gun hidden in a bag he pointed at them, but it wasn't. "In fact, what was contained within the carrier bag was the defendant's girlfriend's vibrator," the prosecutor told the judge. Nicki Jex, 27, admitted to the crime and was sentenced to five years in prison. (Press Association)

...Plus a lifetime of being known as the Rampant Rabbit Robber.

***

THAT'S THE WAY IT ALWAYS HAPPENS: "Man Married, Sentenced on Same Day"

-- AP headline

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Email and Dick

Why E-Mail is like a Dick?

1. Some folks have it, some don't.

2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

3. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

5. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).

6. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

7. In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

8. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.

9. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

10. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

11. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in a whole lot of trouble.

______________________________

DDL

There was a young lady, quite fearful

Of sucking a dick, she was tearful.

In a moment of dread,

She just turned her head.

And, Boy! Did she get an earful.

______________________________

"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they've tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of American men actually need one."

--Jay Leno

***

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other."

--Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts

***

"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me."

--Unknown

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News from the British Tabloids....

Dog smuggler sings to cover up barks

Maybe he sang something by the Pet Shop Boys or a bit of Snoop Dogg rap.

But one man's raucous wailing at 30,000ft failed to drown out the yelps from a poodle he smuggled on to a Virgin Atlantic flight from Chicago to Heathrow.

Chaos broke out as the dog was found in an overhead locker. The little mutt spent the rest of the flight running round the plane. Staff thought the American passenger was drunk when he began belting out songs at the top of his voice. Despite the din, the dog's cries were finally heard. His owner admitted he had smuggled the animal on board in his bag.

A Virgin worker said: "We thought we had a drunk on our hands because he was singing so loudly. But he was just trying to drown out the sound of his dog. It was an unusual flight with a small dog running up and down the aisles. Most people seemed to think it was funny."

The poodle was yesterday being cared for at Heathrow's Animal Reception Centre.

**********

Belgium's blind policemen a success

Sacha van Loo, blind policeman A blind police unit set up in Belgium is showing early signs of success – already helping to solve several criminal investigations.

The pioneering unit – which specialises in transcribing and analysing wiretap recordings – was set up in June. The six member blind police unit can use wiretap recordings to evaluate a range of evidence that sighted detectives might miss – ranging from the model of car a suspect may be driving, or identifying the phone numbers a suspect is dialling.

'Being blind of course you are used to, you have been trained, well in my case I have been trained since my birth to recognising voices, paying attention to backgrounds,' blind cop Sacha van Loo told AP Televsion.

Among other things, Van Loo is entitled to make arrests, and to carry a gun on the job.

In a recent case, Belgian police spent hours struggling to identify a drug smuggler on a faint wiretap recording before concluding that he was Moroccan. Van Loo, who has the rare skill of being able to identify accents in his head listened in fact concluded he was Albanian, something that was confirmed after the arrest of the smuggler.

**********

School cleaner appointed teacher

A Romanian school cleaning lady has been given a second job - as a teacher.

Rodica Sandu teaches English to primary school pupils in Teleg village, Neamt county, as a substitute teacher. She has worked for three years as a cleaner at the school and became a part-time teacher after passing her competency exam.

Mrs Sandu, 42, said: "I don't want to quit my cleaning job because I am old and it's steady. Who knows how long I can be a substitute teacher and there is less competition for the cleaning job. But it's good now that I can teach students during English classes not to throw away their litter and keep the school clean."

School headteacher Gheorghe Tepes said: "We appreciate Mrs Sandu for both her jobs in the school. It is something unusual but not illegal."

Head of the local school inspectorate, Grigorul Oniciuc, said the situation was caused by lack of interest among young teachers in working in rural schools.

He said: "It is sad that things have come to this but there is nothing wrong. It is even encouraging when you see a person who wants to work and develop professionally."

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Photo News from the British Tabloids....

Goth who walks fiancée on a leash is banned by bus driver who told him: 'No dogs allowed'

Given that she describes herself as a human pet – and is happy to walk around on a lead – Tasha Maltby is used to odd looks and even odder remarks. But nothing had prepared her for the reaction of the bus driver who allegedly told the self-styled Goth and her boyfriend: "We don't let freaks and dogs like you on."

Miss Maltby and her fiance Dani Graves were so angered they have complained to the bus company of being "victimised".

Going walkies: Dani Graves and girlfriend Tasha Maltby were allegedly barred from a bus

"It is definitely discrimination, almost like a hate crime," 19-year-old Miss Maltby said yesterday.

The music technology student had this defence of her lifestyle.

"I am a pet, I generally act animal like and I lead a really easy life," she said. "I don't cook or clean and I don't go anywhere without Dani. It might seem strange but it makes us both happy. It's my culture and my choice. It isn't hurting anyone."

The bus driver, however, has obviously not been listening. He has repeatedly refused to allow Mr Graves, 25, and his "pet" on to his bus in Dewsbury, West Yorkshire.

Last month, with Miss Maltby on a leash as usual, the couple tried to board a bus at the bus station. The driver, who was off duty, was standing near the door.

Mr Graves alleged: "He shoved me off the bus. He called us freaks and he called Tasha a dog. He said, 'We don't let freaks and dogs like you on'. He basically grabbed my T-shirt and slammed me backwards. I got a bit angry and called him a fascist pig."

In a separate incident, police were called when the driver, who has not been named, refused to allow other passengers on board after the couple ignored his orders and sat down. The couple, who live on benefits in a council house and plan to start a family, have been friends for years. They started going out together in July and became engaged in November.

Paul Adcock, of bus company Arriva Yorkshire, said: "We take any allegations of discrimination seriously. Mr Graves has already contacted us directly and as soon as our investigation has concluded we will inform him of the outcome."