Subject: Daily Dose - 080123 - Jewish songs, News from the British Tabloids, Shakespeare, DDL, Rotten News

The two little old ladies, who were long time friends and a bit old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.

When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then all over, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me all over."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we f*ck."

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News from the British Tabloids....

World chessboxing champ crowned

A German policeman has been crowned world champion of the hybrid sport of chessboxing. Bouts are composed of a maximum of 11 alternating rounds of chess and boxing, reports the Daily Telegraph.

After parrying American David 'Double D' Depto's punches, Frank Stoldt clinched the light-heavyweight title with a checkmate in the seventh round.

The match was fought in front of 1,200 raucous fans in Berlin in what is being touted as the ultimate in physical and mental combat.

The bout was organised by the World Chess Boxing Organisation which has the slogan: "Fighting is done in the ring and wars are waged on the board."

The rules of the game are simple. Checkmates or knock-outs result in instant victory. Fighters also triumph if the boxing match is stopped by the referee, or if their opponent times-out at the chess board. If there is no winner after 11 rounds of punching and castling, victory is awarded to the fighter with the most points in the boxing ring.

The sport has already developed a strong following in central and eastern Europe, and the WCBO plans to expand its appeal next year with exhibition events in Los Angeles, Paris, Prague, Zurich and Moscow.

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Mum gets schoolboy a stripper for his birthday

A stripper, yesterday A schoolboy was given an unexpected surprise for his 16th birthday when a stripper turned up in his drama class.

The stripper - dressed as a policewoman - had been booked by the boy's mother, who had apparently asked for a 'gorilla' to mark her son's big day. The woman even asked the teenager's teacher at Nottingham's Arnold Hill School and Technology College to film the event so the family could see his reaction.

On arriving halfway through the lesson, the stripper walked the unnamed boy around the class on all fours like a dog. To the soundtrack of Britney Spears, she then spanked him 16 times - once for each year - before stripping down to her bra and knickers.

It was only when she asked the schoolboy to rub cream on her that the shocked teacher called a halt to the show.

The boy's mother reportedly told the school the incident was the result of a booking error. Today, a spokeswoman for the local education authority, Nottinghamshire County Council, said they were investigating how the incident happened.

She confirmed that nobody had been suspended and the police were not involved.

One teenager, who witnessed the show, told the Daily Mail: 'She (the stripper) asked the lad to stand up, which he did, and told him he had been a very naughty boy because he hadn't been doing his homework. Then she put on some Britney Spears music and got out a collar and lead from her bag and told him to put them on. No-one could believe it. Next she ordered him to get on all fours, led him around the classroom and hit him 16 times - once for each year - on the bottom with her whip. Then she took off some clothes until she was down to her bra and pants, pulled out some cream, put it on her buttocks and told him to rub it in. To be fair to the teacher, you could tell she was just stunned - and when the cream came out she told the stripper "That's it. That's enough."'

The teenager said the boy the ran out of the classroom while the stripper calmly packed her bag and left.

A spokeswoman for the school said Nottinghamshire County Council was handling the incident.

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Burglar 'too good' for crime

A veteran Austrian burglar was acquitted after a court agreed he was too experienced to have committed the crime was accused of.

Ernst Stummer, 69, was charged with breaking into a shop in Vienna and stealing £600 worth of goods after police found his DNA on a pair of pliers left at the scene. But lawyers for Stummer, who has 18 previous convictions for burglary, persuaded the court that it was too poor a burglary to be the work of their client.

Roland Friis, Stummer's lawyer, said: "He is experienced enough to never break into a building secured by an alarm. Also, no halfway reasonable burglar would use such needle nose pliers for a job, and my client would have surely worn gloves. In fact it is almost an insult to accuse him of such a dilettante approach."

Stummer said: "The pliers are probably mine but I have a lot of pliers and a lot of tools which I sometimes lend to not very reliable people. I think someone committed the crime using my pliers - but it wasn't me."

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Man killed wife - then shot divorce judge

A millionaire murdered his wife – then shot the divorce judge who had ordered him to pay $10,000 a month alimony, a court was told.

Darren Mack, 46, pleaded guilty to the murder of his estranged wife, Charla, and accepted a charge of attempted murder of Family Court judge Chuck Weller – who he shot through a third-floor window at his office. He stabbed his wife at their home in Reno, Nevada, then shot Judge Weller from a  city centre car park.. The judge survived.

In exchange for the admissions, prosecutors agreed to recommend a sentence of life in prison with possible parole after 20 years. If Mack had been convicted by a jury he would have served life with no chance of parole.

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No dying in Parliament tops weird laws

None of these people are dead. It would be against the law. A law prohibiting anyone from dying in the Houses of Parliament has topped a survey of Britain's most absurd legislation.

The poll of 3,931 people, commissioned by UKTV Gold, asked the public to pick the most ludicrous British and foreign laws still in existence, from a shortlist.

27% of those questioned thought the law against dying in the Houses of Parliament was the most ridiculous. In second place, with 7% of the vote, was a law stating that it is treason to place a postage stamp upside down.

The rule that only a clerk in a tropical fish store is allowed to be publicly topless in Liverpool came third, with a 6% share.

And yes, before you ask, we're still rather skeptical about that last one, given that it's been doing the rounds for a while now but nobody ever seems to give a source for it. Ah well.

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The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when my husband's co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks of books looking confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."

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DDL

Twin sisters: Awana, Anita,

Never swallow the cream from the meat-ah.

One chose to spit

When her mouth filled with it,

The other liked hers on a pita.

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Quotations

He who knows that he is mad is close to sanity.

Eccentricity is like having an accent.  It's what other people have.

In individuals insanity is rare, but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs. It is the rule.

Sensible people regard nothing as useless.

Where none admire, it is useless to excel.

The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.

The foolish and the dead alone never change their opinions.

Better an ugly face, than an ugly mind.

Respectable means rich, Decent means poor.

It is human nature to hate those, who we have injured.

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Rotten News....  (true)

Oregon teacher loses fight to take gun to class

Fri Nov 9, 7:45 PM ET

PORTLAND, Oregon (Reuters) - An Oregon high school English teacher will not be allowed to carry her gun to school, a state circuit court ruled on Friday in a decision closely watched by both sides of the gun debate.

Shirley Katz, who has a legal permit to carry a concealed handgun, argued she needed the Glock semi-automatic pistol to protect herself from her ex-husband. She sued the school district when it told her carrying a gun was against a district policy prohibiting guns.

Circuit Judge G. Philip Arnold agreed with the district, saying "The District has a right to enforce this policy." he noted that employees "accept their jobs subject to, and knowing, the policy."

The teacher had support from pro-gun rights groups. In light of multiple school shootings, some gun advocates have argued that teachers, and maybe even students, should be armed to prevent such tragedies in the future.

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I want my, I want my old fish house

Fri Nov 9, 5:20 PM ET

LONG PRAIRIE, Minn. - Brian Young wants his ice fishing house back. Young told authorities that someone put a "free" sign on it as a prank without his knowledge. Now the house is gone.

The sheriff's office says the house is not considered stolen and is asking whoever took it to return it.

The fish house had been sitting near the County Road 13 and state Highway 287 intersection in Bowlus, which is located about 26 miles northwest of St. Cloud.

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Mmmmmmmm: Fizzy, bottled ham

Fri Nov 9, 11:26 PM ET

SEATTLE - Coming soon next to the Coke and Pepsi in a store near you: ham-and latke-flavored soda to make your holiday feast complete. It even will be kosher, the company making it says — including the ham.

Jones Soda Co., the Seattle-based purveyor of offbeat fizzy water, is selling holiday-themed limited-edition packs of flavored sodas. The Christmas pack will feature such flavors as Sugar Plum, Christmas Tree, Egg Nog and Christmas Ham. The Hanukkah pack will have Jelly Doughnut, Apple Sauce, Chocolate Coins and Latkes sodas.

"As always, both packs are kosher and contain zero caffeine," Jones said in a statement.

Jones' products feature original label art and frequently odd flavors. Last year's seasonal pack was Thanksgiving-themed, with Green Pea, Sweet Potato, Dinner Roll, Turkey and Gravy, and Antacid sodas.

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Zero tolerance speed camera

With the Nevada highway death toll continuing to increase each year especially around the Holiday period, this will be the first year that Zero Tolerance Speed Cameras will be introduced in December gearing up to the holiday period.

The new cameras look different from the normal cameras, I have included a photo so that you are familiar with them and able to make sure not to speed when approaching. Please take this warning seriously as you will not get another chance.

If you have a short memory you may want to print this picture out so you can compare it to the ones you see along the road. Don't get caught speeding ... there are no warnings.

Better watch your speed if you live here or are just visiting. They are not playing around.

(Thanks for the lead, Jim)