Subject: Daily Dose - 080121 - giggled
and smiled, News from the British Tabloids, Dog toothpaste, DDL, Rotten News
When I asked her to the prom, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to dance, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to move in with me, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to kiss me, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to make love to me, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked for her hand in marriage, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to bear my children, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
That's when I realized, she was a retard.
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News from the British Tabloids....
Man shot his car while changing a tyre
A man shot himself in the foot – and legs and abdomen – after taking a shotgun to his car while trying to change a tyre.
The 66-year-old blasted the wheel when he failed to remove a wheel-nut and was peppered with buckshot and debris.
The man, from South Kitsap near Seattle, used a 12-guage shotgun to blast the wheel when he became frustrated while repairing his Lincoln Continental car. He was taken to hospital with severe but not life-threatening injuries. He was hit in the feet, legs and abdomen, with some pellets reaching as high as his chin, said police.
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Thai tattooist mistook day for gay
These tattoos were obviously completed in the correct way An Australian football fan's tattoo tribute to his team went horribly wrong when the tattooist got the words day and gay mixed up.
The Geelong Cats supporter wanted a permanent reminder of the team's AFL triumph and decided to get a tattoo done on a celebratory trip to Thailand. The supporter, called Neville, had 15 cans of beer to ease the pain and it took five-and-a-half-hours work. He had asked for "Day Premiers 2007" to be written on his arm but instead the Thai tattooist wrote "Gay Premiers 2007".
His instructions for each arm were also taken literally as he now has "left arm" and "right arm" tattooed on the appropriate limb.
He had paid $150 for the artwork and to make sure the Phuket tattooist got it right, he wrote down exactly what he wanted under the headlines "right arm" and "left arm".
Neville told 3AW radio: "I couldn't believe it. I gave them a piece of paper and wrote down on the right arm, I wanted the new Geelong emblem they've got out now ... and Day Premiers 2007. I gave them a week to work it all out. And on the left arm side I wrote "left arm" and the two grandkids names and Night Premiers 2006"
"When I first walked in he showed me the picture of the thing, and I just looked at a picture and didn't really take notice of the words. My son-in-law walked in halfway through it ... and told me what happened, and I thought 'you're joking! Once they'd written right arm, I told them you might as well have left arm on the other one – and make it a bit fun."
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Bride weds drunken groom's brother
A groom was so drunk when he turned up for his wedding that the bride married his more sober brother instead. The groom is now worried that he will never find another bride after villagers in Bihar's Arwal district, India, decided he was too drunk to marry.
Madho Singh, a senior police officer, said: "The groom was drunk and had reportedly misbehaved with guests when the bride's family and local villagers chased him away."
The younger brother readily agreed to take the groom's place beside the teenage bride at her family's invitation, witnesses said, according to the Hindustan Times.
Singh said: "The groom apologised for his behaviour, but has been crying that word will spread and he will never get a bride again."
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Getting On His Wick: Monk Gets Candle Stuck In Penis
“HE did a very stupid and shameful thing,” says a Romanian “monastry source” to the Daily Sport.
The man with the tonsure is speaking of trainee monk Dumitru Ilie who is said to have got “hammered” and spent the night a woman he met at a party. A woman who may or may not have been a nun.
In the morning Dumitru awoke full of regret and with candle wedged up his penis. Says the doctor who treated him: “I have no idea how he managed to do that but it looked extremely painful.”
Albeit unlit…
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Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community. In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever bought?"
She answered, "Dog toothpaste."
Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?"
Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"
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DDL
The legend of Bobbitt is growing.
It's a story well worth the knowing.
He offended his wife,
So she took up her knife,
And put an end to his coming and going.
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"The big story in Washington D.C... not the war in Iraq, not Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare... the big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13."
-Jay Leno
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"Russia sent a fleet of mini submarines down to the floor of the Atlantic and they planted a flag at the North Pole. I guess in the old days, you could plant a flag and you could own things. But then they invented lawyers and everything changed."
-Jimmy Kimmel
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"This week, a group of Mexican officials crossed the border into Texas to see how the U.S. handles immigration enforcement. As soon as the Mexican officials arrived, they yelled, 'Suckers!' and headed for Los Angeles."
-Conan O'Brien
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Rotten News.... (true)
Weirdest Work Stories of 2007
By Rachel Zupek, CareerBuilder.com writer
Natural disasters, revolutionary technology, pro-athlete scandals and national calamities marked 2007 as an unforgettable year. Yet, amid these major happenings arose stories that were overlooked, unseen or ignored altogether: tales of our nation’s work force.
Here are some headlines that exemplify the strange happenings that took place in the workplace in 2007.
“Employee eats 32 vending machine items for charity”
A juvenile probation officer ate one of every item in a county courthouse vending machine in one day. She consumed more than 7,000 calories and more than 300 grams of fat, eating such items as beef sticks, candy bars, Pop Tarts and potato chips – all to win a bet with co-workers and raise $300 for charity.
“Cola wars get physical as Pepsi worker attacks Coke employee”
Two employees from the rival companies got into a tiff over shelf space in the aisle of a Wal-Mart in Indiana. The Pepsi worker allegedly assaulted the Coca-Cola employee, hitting him in the face, giving him a black eye and breaking his nose. Police say the two were also accused of trying to run each other over with pallets full of soda bottles.
“Four women fired for gossiping”
Four women employed in a small New Hampshire town were fired for gossiping about a relationship between the town administrator and a fellow co-worker. They were fired on the basis that “gossip, whispering and an unfriendly environment are causing poor morale and interfering with the efficient performance of town business.”
“Employee took 1 million screws home from factory”
An assembly worker hid screws in a specially designed hiding place and took up to 7,000 home with him every day. Over a two-year period, he stole more than 1.1 million screws with an estimated value of $155,000. He allegedly sold the screws over the Internet at discount prices.
“Deputy nabbed twice for DUI – by husband”
An off-duty jail deputy was pulled over and charged with driving under the influence – by her husband, a fellow deputy. She supposedly left before he could give her a Breathalyzer test, so he pulled her over again and called for backup. She was placed on administrative leave.
“Workers killed after seeking raises”
A car dealership owner killed two employees because they kept asking for more pay. The employer told police he was having financial problems and was under a lot of stress.
“Man demands coupons from radio station employee”
A radio station employee was threatened at gunpoint when an angry patron was unhappy with the promotional bumper stickers he received. The patron demanded McDonald’s coupons instead; when the employee didn’t have any, the man flashed what looked like a handgun. She searched her car and found a coupon for a free cheeseburger. The man took it, made a derogatory comment about the radio station and rode away on his bike.
“Wienermobile gets cop roasted”
When a 27-foot-long, 11-foot-tall vehicle – known to most as the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile – was slowing traffic in a construction zone in Arizona, an officer ran its “YUMMY” license plate to make sure it was street legal. A bad computer entry erroneously showed the Wienermobile as having stolen plates, forcing the officer to pull it over. After further investigation, the officer learned that the entry should have read that license plate had been stolen – but only if found on any vehicle that isn’t a giant hot dog.
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Fireplace channel a hot property
By LINDSAY O'REILLY, SUN MEDIA
The Calgary Sun
The blockbuster log is back.
Shaw Communications is bringing its much-loved holiday fire log channel back for another season -- and it has arrived a little earlier than usual this year.
The hot programming reunites viewers with the acclaimed cast of Crackling fire Log and Occasional Stoking Hand for its 21st year, leaving a glow of digital warmth in homes and hearts through Jan. 20.
This is more than two months of log, compared with last year's Dec. 24 to 27 run.
"The holiday Fire Log is a 21-year tradition at Shaw that our viewers eagerly anticipate," said Peter Bissonnette, president of Shaw Communications Inc.
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Man in India marries dog as atonement
NEW DELHI - A man in southern India married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony as an attempt to atone for stoning two other dogs to death — an act he believes cursed him — a newspaper reported Tuesday.
P. Selvakumar married the sari-draped former stray named Selvi, chosen by family members and then bathed and clothed for the ceremony Sunday at a Hindu temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, the Hindustan Times newspaper said.
Selvakumar, 33, told the paper he had been suffering since he stoned two dogs to death and hung their bodies from a tree 15 years ago.
"After that my legs and hands got paralyzed and I lost hearing in one ear," he said in the report.
The paper said an astrologer had told Selvakumar the wedding was the only way he could cure the maladies. It did not say whether his situation had improved.
Deeply superstitious people in rural India sometimes organize weddings to dogs and other animals, believing it can ward off certain curses.
The paper showed a picture of Selvakumar sitting next to the dog, which was wearing an orange sari and a flower garland.
The paper said the groom and his family then had a feast, while the dog got a bun.
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Photo News from the British Tabloids....
British prison bosses ban sexist jokes in jail
"It's enough to make that old lag Norman Stanley Fletcher choke on his porridge ... prisoners have been banned from sharing "sexist" jokes.
Jail bosses say such quips could give the impression that women are "overly talkative" and "nagging." There is even a danger it could turn convicts to a life of crime, they say - since some lawbreaking stems from men having a "negative" view of the opposite sex.
The reaction of the country's 81,000 prison inmates remains to be seen as they digest a list of jokes which are now officially off-limits. It means that Fletch, played by Ronnie Barker in the classic television comedy Porridge, would certainly have been in trouble.